the aftermath, once more

fine. so now, that small part of the population of this country who have the right to know about us DO know about us...to a certain extent. but i hope it never comes to the point wherein the most intimate details of my relationship with character C will have to be examined.

i was very frustrated with him for saying things he shouldn't have said AND recounting things that DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING HAPPEN. what will he say next? that we slept together? god. at the rate he's going, i don't think i'll still wait around to see what happens next. in my opinion: TANG INA MO, WALA KA NA BABALIKAN!

hay. =c

~*~
i know for a fact that what happened was wrong. i will not go on and justify what happened. but for the fucking love of god...can't he just stick to what we agreed we'd say?! i know that people are pressuring him to spill the beans. but people around us are pressuring me too. but do i spill my beans? no. do i say something outside what was agreed? no. jesusfuckinglord. it's a simple statement. a simple fucking statement confirming what HAS happened and denying what can both get us into deeper shit than we can possibly handle. my god. doesn't he have any brain cells left in him? given that i've long acknowledged that he has little to no spine, but brain cells too? and he wants to be a fucking doctor? jesus h. christ.

~*~
breathe.

~*~
i don't want to be mad at him. i don't want to be bitter. i don't want to be any of these things because i brought this upon myself. and sometimes, i delude myself into thinking that despite everything that has happened; i love him. that's the only logical explanation to my putting up with all of this. this whole thing has taken a toll on me. and i do, i do want this to end.

still, he keeps me hanging. hay.

~*~
and before i forget. i remember your flight today, daddy.

the end of an affair

"hello pain, you're home again
i missed your acid smile again
i never dreamed you'd come back..."


hurt like hell, but it was worth the while. though i will have trouble explaining myself later, i will be alright. yes, it hurts. it fucking hurts. but it's nothing i can't live though. i guess from the very start, it was bound to end. at the back of my head, i kept wishing that things would turn out for the better. but no, i really has to be this way. i know that he's right. for once, he's done something right. but of course, it can't help feel wrong. i know this, for anything that hurts you will always feel wrong.

i didn't write this on my rage blog because...well, i'm not stark raving mad. i'm hurt, but i'm not mad at him for leaving me. i don't think i have to be. he left because he knew what we had was wrong and hurtful for other people. he left because he finally grew a spine. and i can't really be mad at him for doing that, can i? i can actually understand his bloody point. he really does have to fix his life before we can get a move on ours. and i appreciate that he never did point his finger at me and say, "you fix your bloody life too, goddammit!" he never did hold me accountable for anything. which i think is pretty nice.

*sigh*

must learn to live without him now. him and the great "stuff".

goodbye, it was worth all the trouble.

delusion

how many times do we have to tell ourselves that we don't have a relationship before we give up and admit that we do have one?

i need you to tell me yourself. that i'm not just some other girl you're fucking with.

but even if that were the case, i have no complaints nor regrets. :D

~*~
me: maghahanap na ako ng iba...
him: iiwan mo na ako?
me: hindi mo naman ako hahanapin...
him: hahanapin din.

seriously.

"Cos little by little
We gave you everything
You ever dreamed of
Little by little
The wheels of your life
Have slowly fallen off
Little by little
You have to give it all in all your life
And all the time I just ask myself why
You're really here"

there are just some relationships that are too easy. my greatest concern however, is how i will cope once he has gone.

thursday night, was the best i ever had.

i keep on having to remind myself that this thing we're having is so fleeting. but every time i tell myself that, i try harder to make every moment with him count. but we still argue, i think. but the thing is, even our arguing never gets anywhere. the only thing that gets anywhere in this relationship are our passions.


i think the most problematic part of the whole set up is, he cannot and will not come to terms about what he feels. i think he doesn't want to. he likes hearing me say what i feel, but he never opens up. thus, i have resolved to stop telling him how i feel. i cannot take this anymore. i can't let myself become the source of another person's smugness. it is actually emotionally debilitating to never be assured of his affections.

~*~
we were at the hospital today. my cousin was there too. and he said that i should see what's in front of me: kami nga.

okay, okay.

"all i really want to say
you're the reason i want to stay
but destiny is calling...
don't change, your plans for me..."

we've been talking. and we have discovered a facet of our sexual desires...he likes getting hurt, i like hurting others. hahaha. we're going at it again later, to see where all this leads. and if we never get anywhere plausible in the future, i will be happy we had these moments.

sabi ko naman sa iyo, hindi ako takot mawalan. hindi ako takot, pakawalan ka.

we both belong to different people. that being said, even from the very beginning...this affair was doomed to fail. and yet, the most beautiful things are those things which are doomed. i read that somewhere, but i can't find it now. anyways, i'm pretty happy about our status. i think the moment i liked you best so far was when i toasted to us: "para sa mga hindi mabubuking!"

hahahaha. i will thank you, someday. thank you properly.

ice packs/rm 4

when i said yesterday that we were getting somewhere, i didn't think that we'd move ever so quickly. character C invited me to have a drink with his friends last night. i obliged and subsequently got lost on my way to the place. his friends were asking about our status, etc. and i have to say this: i answered as truthfully as i could. towards the end of the evening, one of his friends suggested that we kiss in front of everyone. we couldn't really say that we haven't done that yet.

our first kiss happened at a vietnamese restaurant, in front of all his friends. if only they knew.

the look on his face after was priceless and i can't get it out of my head.

needless to say, we went home together; fucked around and now i have an ice pack on my neck.

hay.

as things escalate

watching a film about married life last night, we had a breakthrough. we talked about said breakthrough. said breakthrough was a physical one. so there. at first he was telling me he was not ready, he's been hurt...all that jazz. but this morning, things escalate as he tells me that we should keep things under wraps until the "proper time".

ohmyfuckingjesuslord.

it.is.going.somewhere.

i don't know whether i should be glad or if should run away as fast as i can.

here i am world! and i am getting what i want again!

*cringe*

but then again, he is good at being discreet...so no worries on that aspect.

today

well. it looks like we're headed somewhere. and that somewhere is not really some place i'd like to see for myself.

dizzy

my yellow handbag being carried. a hospital. an elephant. a head on a shoulder.

and the choices we make between conversations.
~*~
i know. i've told myself to let go. i've convinced myself that even if i can get what i want without making myself look bad, i will still not go and get what i want. i know that even if people think that i have done nothing wrong, i will know deep in my heart that i did; in fact, do something wrong. something hurtful.

and i've chosen to let him go. it's the only way for now.


and it is exactly, exactly how i feel. i'm letting you go now. you were the easier route, i know. the convenient route. i've asked myself if i'm settling by doing this, why i try so hard at one relationship when something easier and better is right within reach. i keep asking myself if i really should let you go. but you said so yourself, you do want to go.

flicker

lately, i've been far too busy to write anything on my blogs as well as write for other people...it sounds pretentious, but that's the bible truth. if i were to describe my personal life these past few weeks, i would have to say: humid and stormy. and if i had to describe my so-called academic life, i would have to say: falling apart.
amidst everything, i would also have to admit that i've allowed myself to have secret thoughts. these thoughts were not personal longings. rather, these were thoughts about reversing certain situations. long ago, i said on this blog (and on other blogs now that we're talking about it) that i have always had an inclination towards infidelity. it's not that i actually promote it, it's just that i always, always tend to do it. my reasons for doing so rarely matter, and most times these do not quantify as valid reasons. it has ranged from being sick and tired of le ole boyfriend to being left alone for a weekend. and there were times when i had no other reasons except that i just had to.
for most part of my life with richard, i have been faithful. when i say "for the most part", i do mean it. but i do have to admit that there have been certain characters and situations in the course of our story that do spell out infidelity on my part. but then again, what he will never find out will never come back again to haunt us. might haunt me, but never us.
this caveat in place, i will have to admit the content of these past few weeks' secret thoughts. a certain character C has taken a rather prominent role in my life. it wasn't a matter of need as of proximity. when you're with a certain person everyday, to such an extent as eating all meals together and sleeping in the same house with other people; one cannot help but feel close to that person. to my credit, i have tried to remain platonic with him, for everyone's sake. but sometimes, things are really out of one's hands. yes, i can say that i did help things/feelings go their natural course but not as much as i could have. the thing is, for the past weeks; i've been entertaining thoughts about ditching richard for C. but unlike my previous infidelities, i actually had a valid reason for this one! haha. i figured that i'd had enough struggling with my family to accept richard. instead of the daily struggle, i will now acquire a life partner whom they will accept. and these secret thoughts were not helped by C showing equal unabashed interest.
nevertheless, i resisted these thoughts with gallant efforts equal only to those knights fighting off the moors during the crusades. so far, i have kept these thoughts at bay. and thankfully, they have not been translated into action.
but what if, in an unguarded moment...i blurt them out to C?
no good will come out of it, i am sure. experience had taught me that relationships born out of infidelity almost never succeed, and if they do...they will forever be haunted by mistrust.