this leads nowhere

Changing Lanes

2009-09-02T17:13:00.002+08:00

Tish Martinez's updated blog can be viewed at www.tishmartinez.wordpress.com

Remembering Dad: One of the Few Constants of my Days

2009-08-29T07:32:00.000+08:00

I write belatedly about Dad's last birthday because I was too overwhelmed on the day itself. A poem from ee cummings depicts almost exactly who my dad was to me.

my father moved through dooms of love
ee cummings

my father moved through dooms of love
through sames of am through haves of give,
singing each morning out of each night
my father moved through depths of height

this motionless forgetful where
turned at his glance to shining here;
that if(so timid air is firm)
under his eyes would stir and squirm
---
newly as from unburied which
floats the first who,his april touch
drove sleeping selves to swarm their fates
woke dreamers to their ghostly roots

and should some why completely weep
my father's fingers brought her sleep:
vainly no smallest voice might cry
for he could feel the mountains grow.
---
Lifting the valleys of the sea
my father moved through griefs of joy;
praising a forehead called the moon
singing desire into begin

joy was his song and joy so pure
a heart of star by him could steer
and pure so now and now so yes
the wrists of twilight would rejoice

keen as midsummer's keen beyond
conceiving mind of sun will stand,
so strictly(over utmost him
so hugely)stood my father's dream

his flesh was flesh his blood was blood:
no hungry man but wished him food;
no cripple wouldn't creep one mile
uphill to only see him smile.
---
Scorning the pomp of must and shall
my father moved through dooms of feel;
his anger was as right as rain
his pity was as green as grain

septembering arms of year extend
less humbly wealth to foe and friend
than he to foolish and to wise
offered immeasurable is

proudly and(by octobering flame
beckoned)as earth will downward climb,
so naked for immortal work
his shoulders marched against the dark

his sorrow was as true as bread:
no liar looked him in the head;
if every friend became his foe
he'd laugh and build a world with snow.
---
My father moved through theys of we,
singing each new leaf out of each tree
(and every child was sure that spring
danced when she heard my father sing)

then let men kill which cannot share,
let blood and flesh be mud and mire,
scheming imagine,passion willed,
freedom a drug that's bought and sold

giving to steal and cruel kind,
a heart to fear,to doubt a mind,
to differ a disease of same,
conform the pinnacle of am
---
though dull were all we taste as bright,
bitter all utterly things sweet,
maggoty minus and dumb death
all we inherit,all bequeath

and nothing quite so least as truth
—i say though hate were why men breathe—
because my father lived his soul
love is the whole and more than all

=====

Dad,

They often say: " absence makes the heart grow fonder". But in our case, your absence did not have that effect. Or at least, I cannot imagine being more fond of you than I already am.

If your absence has indeed encouraged fondness, it has encouraged my love for the things you believed in. The "bottom lines of life" that you and mommy stressed when I was growing up were what I took up eventually; though I resisted them in my teens.

You believed in improving the human condition. In compassion and courage. You believed God was a God of justice. You always said: "To be Christian is to be relevant in today's world. Faith will compell you to action, anak. It will push you towards helping the destitute, to fighting for them if need be. Simply because you cannot imagine Jesus doing otherwise."

I am thankful Dad. I am thankful you gave me the support I needed when I decided what I finally wanted to make of myself, the course I wanted to take, the politics I believed in and saw the people I wanted to serve. You and mommy bore the brunt of comments and eyebrow raises from our relatives and friends when I made these choices. But you never took it against me that I became someone who did not fit in our family's perceptions of a good daughter.

I am grateful, Dad. I am grateful you let me be and you trusted me to discover the world on my own.

I am grateful you told me that women should be strong. That the world was full of opportunities for men to dominate. That to face a cruel world, a woman must be prepared and ready to strike. Though I only see the truth of your words today, I am happy to have been forewarned.

You taught me that I must never relent, never back down and never compromise what I believe in for trifles. You taught me to make few enemies and to mark them well. You often said: no matter what happens; I would get past anything life put in my path. If people think I am stubborn, they are welcome to blame you for it.

Dad, I miss you everyday. I miss all your advice. I miss all your jokes. I miss the instances people point out how much we look alike. I miss your text messages and your puttering about the house. I miss having a designated driver, a Dad who let me party but insisted I be picked up lest I roam the streets drunk and alone.

Missing you has become the norm. It is not a choice consciously made. It is something that just is. But though I miss you, I have to prod on. I have to work on the things you set me out to do. I have yet to become the person you encouraged me to be. I have yet prove to you that all your advice was not wasted on me.

Love,
Nams

I Long

2009-08-22T11:58:00.003+08:00

I need some peace.

An Illustration of How I "Sometimes" Live my Life

2009-08-10T13:47:00.001+08:00

The Very Personal Top Ten

2009-07-25T00:22:00.007+08:00

(Continued)

The last recent peace-making effort was from (again) character c (on full throttle, no doubt). At another social gathering, he called me over while he was talking to Kidney; someone who had betrayed me (and him!). I came over and character c was prompting me to converse with the traitorous bastard. It went like this...

Kidney: "Galit ka pa ba sa akin?" (Are you still mad at me?)
Me: "I have to be honest with you, yes I am still mad.

What followed was an unfeeling conversation about people Kidney and I both knew and a silent ride home with character c.

This is my point: "I like being true to myself and others. I don't like making phony conversations with people I'd rather ignore. Stop trying to make me bury the hatchet. I like my hatchets within reach, thank you."

#6 Drinking One Too Many Slushy Drinks

Due to all of the paper-pushing I've been doing lately, I have been thirstier than usual. 711, McDonalds and Starbucks have all made money from my slush-drink cravings. I think it's a bad sign. I now need paralyzing cold to jump start my brain.

Hurrah for sugar, ice and all things nice.

Drinks of choice:
1. Bumbulbee Slurpee
2. Dunkin' Donuts Coffee Iceblast
3. Mcdo Milk Shakes
4. Starbucks Iced Caramel Mocha

#5 Discovering better places to eat

All that traveling makes me a hungry girl. Though I usually hate eating fast food, I have found great alternatives. One such is PinoyDon at the Podium. Its fusion menu; with both Japanese and Filipino influences is sure to satisfy any one's cravings. Their expansive menu has Bangus in tempura batter with Teriyaki sauce, Tortang Talong Maki, Adobo-inspired Katsudons and more. Top it with a serving of their one of a kind green tea ice cream, you've got one of the best meals in the Ortigas area.

A runner up would be, New Bombay at the Columns, Makati. This Indian resto also has an expansive menu; friendly to vegetarians, meat lovers and dieters alike. Whether you want to carbo load with its meat and potatoes-esque meals or have a light lunch with a serving of nan bread and Yogurt shake; this is a resto that gives you what you need for the day.

#4. Palawan, my long awaited beach trip

Summer came über late for me. But late this July, I finally...finally got to the beach. Good thing it was sunny in Palawan even if it was storming in Manila.

#3. Knowing that everything shall pass.

A lot of frustrating things happened during online hiatus. But am glad to say: everything passed, character c and I are alright. We're happier than before, we've survived the many init-ulo moments we had in the last months.

Of course, all this is compounded by the many issues my family also had. Though I cannot elaborate my family's difficulties here, (to do so would be invasive and unfair)... Let's just say that the past few months were turbulent. And that, oftentimes trying to keep my patience has tried my patience.

But all things do pass. I don't think Murphy's Law had anything to do with the last few months. For when my relationship issues were resolved, my familial and financial issues were resolved likewise.

#2. Tough Decisions

It is no secret that I have been living independently. But what never comes to light is the sacrifices it entails. Deciding not to live in lovely suburban homes means living in a bare urban apartment. I have always recognized my good fortune of having 2 suburban homes at my disposal, these are always appreciated. However, deciding to live on my own has prompted me to let go of their comforts.

Letting all that go was hard for me. When I made the decision to break away from my family late last year, I knew I was starting on a perilous path. What I did not know was being relatively absent from my family's affairs would also become a comforting thought. Coming home to an empty apartment does not always give one loneliness. I finally got to rest up, finally had a routine I could rely on.

As I am a closet OC personality; having routine, being able to schedule my days and knowing what to expect when I got home has given me relaxation. This peace of mind was unattainable when I was living at my lola's house; where I had to absorb the constant dramatics of its occupants, where I had to withstand everything said and left unsaid simply because I am the eldest of our brood.

Conversely, I doubt that I will have the same peace if I move into my mom's new house.

I like to think that I just need some space, some kind of distance. I don't think it's a matter of shirking from my responsibilities. It's a matter of letting myself breathe some. I will always be their grand daughter, her daughter, their sister, their niece. But I think it is also time I became just myself.

#1 My private self rediscovered

I have again found this out. The past half decade has not changed me much. I share things about me but withhold my bottom lines. I don't do it on purpose. I feel I withhold my private thoughts because I never really found the need to spell myself out...then and now.

As such, I have been reminded in the past few months that though I have many friends and have had many lovers; very few know the intents of my actions and my private hurts and pains. It may be that I have become a duality of sorts, alternately giving and withholding information at need.

In my short life, I have lost many things. I have lost people I loved. I have lost memories. I have been left many times. I have seen horrible things. I have kept many secrets. But after all that pain, all that loss; I realized all of it has left me steeled for the future. Loosing so many loves has only made me more willing to loose more.

My private thoughts remain undaunted to the many entreaties from friends and family. I still refuse to bear my heart. And though at times I may wear my heart on my sleeve, the heart you see is only a minute reflection of those deeper yearnings.

For that, I am grateful

A Very Personal Top Ten

2009-07-14T18:22:00.010+08:00

Things have been spinning round wildly. But that wouldn't be news. So let me rephrase it. The past few weeks have offered me no hope of coherence. My would-be posts became as wily as my grandma's logic. As such, blogging has been on the back burner.

Now that most crap is in order, I have the time to list down ten things that have kept me on the tailspin.

#10. Change of Employment

Not many people know what I actually do for a living. It's mostly because (compared to the average Filipino yuppie) I hate talking shop. All the positions I've held always had to do with words. I am thankful to have had a malleable vocation. Something that adapts to my needs and the jobs I accept. However, my convictions aren't so flexible. The past 2 weeks have been a barrage of pushing papers, considering (and refusing) job offers and making silent concessions with myself.

In an earlier post, I discussed my employment conundrum. I'm glad to say things have progressed since then. On the 20th, I will start working as a business analyst for corporation A. A job that will not ask for creativity and (hopefully) not too much social skills. I have my reasons for taking this on, this "uncreative" job. All of which I won't discuss here.

#9. Falling in Love with the Sidelines

For the past half decade, I have embraced the headlines. I believed I needed to take part in history as it happened. The first quarter of this year has forced me to the sides, to toe the lapping waters of history rather than swim in it. Though I miss being in the middle of things; it hasn't been all bad. Time for reflection can never be bad.

Now that I am well-rested and have had enough reflection; I'm ready to dive into history's depths once more.

#8. Reading Good and Not-so Good Books

Waiting at government offices is great for catching up on your reading. Iris Murdoch forced me into philosophy as I delved in her well-crafted plots. I especially loved:
I also loved "The Principles of Love" by Emily Franklin. Its amusing treatise on pop culture and art coupled with dynamic narration makes it seem like a book within a book. A witty mix of self-exploration, rock & roll, pop psychiatry all told by one off beat voice.

My reading list also included "The Secret Word" by Jennifer Paddock, "The Gift of Acabar" by Og Mandino and (surprisingly) "The Elements of Style" by Strunk and White.

#7 Cornered and Still Standing

I make few enemies. But those I make, I mark for life. I don't like being forced into reconciliation or meaningless small talk by well-meaning common friends.

Perhaps, I have been too polite to make this clear. On three separate occasions, I was conned into conversing with 3 people I didn't even want to acknowledge.

Two of these incidents, character c was to blame. His philosophy of "putting it all behind us" never really did jive well with my "to the death!" philosophy. When he tried to make me talk to Sidney and Kidney on two separate occasions, I gave him a look that could have withered all the plants on Ayala Avenue.

The last and most devastating of all: one mid-June afternoon, character c and I were supposed to meet my friend D for some coffee and dinner. I was raring to see friend D and introduce him to character C; whom he had heard of but never met. Friend D inevitably rolls round with a lady friend in tow.

The said lady friend; was an old friend of mine. Someone who had the gall to call my mother and inform my mother that:

1. I was sleeping around
2. I was living with different men at a time
3. Her strange whack-job, street person type mother disapproves of me.

It was only natural I stopped talking to the manipulative, daughter of a cult-leader and street person; character E. (She was banned from setting foot on our house, my mother was THAT pissed).

But since my good friend D was so full of good peace-making intentions; I decided to put on a plastic mask and keep my seething anger at bay.Our dinner conversation was filled with trivial high school memories. Character E better be thankful that I am not at her level of crass. Else, I would have asked her the following questions over dinner:

1. How is your father and what does he do again for a living?
2. How is your mom and how are her rice cakes faring? Does she still sell them over at EDSA cor Aurora?
3. How are your illegitimate nephews and nieces? Is your sister still sleeping with exotic dancers?

Oh, and: "Kindly recount the night you called my mother up..."

But I did tell friend D that he had my support. That I was still rooting for them. What I meant to say was: "This is your grave you're digging. I fully support that. It's the only way you'll learn."

To be continued.

Answers from the Great Beyond...

2009-06-28T12:13:00.007+08:00

"I'm pushing an elephant up the stairs
I'm tossing up punch lines that were never there
Over my shoulder a piano falls
Crashing to the ground
I'm breaking through
I'm bending spoons
I'm keeping flowers in full bloom
I'm looking for answers from the great beyond"
-REM, The Great Beyond

A lot of things have been happening, lately. In fact, things have been happening too fast. There are changes in our life (mine and character c's) which we would rather not have. However, the bulk of the choices have had to be made on my part.

We all know that eventually, we'll arrive at a crossroad. Whether it's in our professional or personal lives, dilemmas are sure to appear. My dilemma of late has been of the professional kind. But not strictly so. It's also intertwined with my ideology and how I have planned to live the rest of my life.

Last February, I left my corporate job to go back to activism. Since then, character c and I have been waiting for that one call. The one call which would assure us our former circle would like to have us back.

The past months have been very hard on us financially; specifically because I turned down a lot of corporate jobs. I turned these down because I wanted to keep my schedule (and options) open; just in case our activist colleagues called us back to duty.

It has been four months. Four dire months.

Yesterday, I received a call from a really good company (let's call it company 55). Their salary was great and so were the add-ons and the benefits. Their offer was hard to ignore. They invited me to sign on. The appointment was made for Monday.

And as if I was being played for a fool by fate; the call I've been waiting for came in after company 55's call. I was asked by colleague R to report for duty on Monday.

Thus, I am in a major dilemma. Should I sacrifice my family's security for unstable employment? It's not just about the financial aspect. It's about the amount of waiting character c and I had to go through for this certain unstable job. An unstable job that I would love.

In my heart of hearts, I know that I'd like to drop everything for colleague R's proposal. But recent life-changes has forced pragmatism on me. And in my pragmatism, I've learned that not all things we love will love us back. Not everything we wait for comes at opportune time.

If it's true that when we want something, the universe conspires to give it to us; I have a message for the universe.

Dear Universe,

You're late. You're proposal will be given much thought and discussion. I cannot guarantee my approval. Don't do be late again.

Tish

Backlog: Maybe you're Gone

2009-05-27T20:51:00.002+08:00

"Won't be the first heart that you break
Won't be the last beautiful...
One that you wrecked, won't take you back
If you were the last beautiful..."

I was once told by a close personal friend, that when someone falls out of love; it is usually because of falling in love with someone else. At that point of our alcohol-induced conversation, I did not believe a word my friend said. I have always believed that love is a conscious decision you make, not something you just tumble into. In the many relationships I have gone through in my life, I have seen my philosophy about love to be true. And I have applied this to all areas of my life. I keep on telling myself that the decisions I make are mine; that I am never to tell myself that I have no choice but to go through with things. It is also true that while we cannot always choose our circumstances, we can choose how to respond. Now that I am at the ripe old age of 22, I can say that I have made choices that weren't exactly what one would call wise. I have wrecked my life numerous times and in the process, I have wrecked others' lives as well. But despite all these, I still do not have the shadow of regret on my persona. Why? It's because I just let everything go. No matter how painful (and sometimes humilating) circumtsances are, I recover because I know that even if I may feel like dying; I really won't.

Today was a case in point. After more than two years of emotional investment and efforts, another relationship has ended. Even though we have not really been smooth sailing for a while, I really did not expect this. For countless times, I chose to work things out. I chose to painstakingly make compromises that hurt my pride. I chose him, over and over again. And while I have been doing this for the past two years of my life, he chose a different route. I need not expound further for you to be able to understand that he did not choose me.

I have always been a fighter, but over time; I have learned to pick my fights. When someone tells you straight to you face that he wants to leave you, it's useless to swallow your pride and beg him not to leave. Especially if you have done everything humanly possible not to get to this point. It simply isn't worth the energy and the self-doubt. And while I would have liked to counter his statements with sentences such as: "How dare you, you filthy lowlife!" or "I never really loved you anyway."; all these are also not worth the trouble. When he told me he wanted out, I simply gave in. Mind you, it was not a rare show of weakness. Au contraire, it took all the restraint left in me not to retaliate. I just felt that if he cannot even give our relationship a chance, if he can just let it go after investing so much; he is simply not worth my time or words.

What bothers me is that we did not even have an easy start. Even the most turbulent of relationships are given at least that.From the very beginning, I could see that we did not have much in common. You could say that we were bonded by two things: proximity and ideology. When I met him, we were both part of a political group. He was part of my immediate circle. What drew me to him was his energy, his vivacity and his drive to further the cause of our group. I have always been drawn to people with those qualities. I saw in him someone who would share my commitment to the movement. I thought that I had finally met someone who would support me. Well, I guess that most people are optimistic at the blossoming of love. That he and I came frome different backgrounds is an understatement. We were polar opposites. I was an undergraduate student at a prestigious university then, he didn't even give college a shot. I don't blame him for not going to college though. He chose upholding human rights and freedom over getting a college degree. I admired him for that then and I still admire him now.

But sometimes, these are not enough to make the spark last. You can admire a person from afar. You need not have a relationship with that person. The trouble started when I began to see that aside from our commitments to the struggle, we had nothing else to talk about. We did not have the same friends. We did not have the same interests. We didn't even agree with what we did on dates. Given that reading is one of my primary habits, I felt fairly disappointed that he did not have any favorite books. In fact, he barely read for leisure at all. To his credit, he did try to read the books that I gave him. Though I don't recall him finishing any of it. But at that point in time, I didn't see it as a fatal incompatibility. I thought that our differences would make our relationship richer. I thought that because we were so different, we would learn and grow from each other.

I was never so wrong in my life.

Over time, I grew to discover that our differences were more than skin deep. It was not a matter of preferences. We simply did not agree on anything. To be able to hurdle our differences, we did not talk about them anymore. And slowly, we came to a time when silence engulfed us. At first, that silence was thought to be the comfortable kind. Personally, I thought that we had finally become so stable that we did not need words. Of course I was wrong. The worse part of it was I knew that something bad was happening. I watched our relationship slowly whither away. I was a spectator to our deaths. I stood there, paralyzed; my eyes fixed on the destruction of what we worked so hard to have. I was loosing him and I had never felt so disempowered in my life. For me, that would easily be the lowest point of life. I have never felt powerless before.

But why was that

I felt that I could do nothing to salvage our relationship. I felt like that because he did not do anything to show me otherwise. And for the life of me, I could never figure it out. I did not understand then, I do not understand now. The months that preceded our break up were quiet at best. And when we fought, I was usually the first to concede.

He began belittling everything I did. He told me that I was not contributing anything to our cause. He began criticizing my style of work. His criticisms were riddled with broken glass. What he said were painful. He even went to the length of telling me that my college degree was useless and my family was nothing more than a bunch of apathetic bourgeoisie people, living off the blood of the poor around them. Did I leave him when he said those things? Of course not. I am not a woman who gives in easily.

All the hurtful things he said, I chalked up to us growing up differently. In retrospect, I could have been as hurtful. I could have said that he made politics his excuse for his laziness. That he had no aptitude to make a name for himself, that he had no capacity to be able to give me a decent life. But love can make us get over ourselves. I did not say these things because I loved him. I did not want things to take a turn for the worst. Those things were hurtful, they hurt my pride. Strangely enough, even with my pride being pulverized right before my eyes; I did not even flinch. Despite all these attacks, separation was not even an option for me. Through all the troubles we had, I believed that everything was just a chapter in our story. I believed that we would go through the other chapters together.

I had no idea that the bloody end was near.

Maybe, I did not think that he had enough balls to leave me. I under estimated him. I over appraised myself. Sure, I was wrong to just stand there as he was slowly walking away from me. I am not a passive person. But when I dealt with him, I chose to be passive. And therein lies the fault. I wonder what would have happened if I had asserted myself. If he wouldn't have left if I told him how bruised I was with his words. I would silence my words because I was so afraid to loose him. In skirting all those "danger subjects", I had failed to save what was left of our relationship. I cannot say that I did all these things because I loved him so much. Rather, I did not try so hard because I did not love him enough. I did not love him enough to call out his short comings.

Love is many things, but it is never blind obedience. I feel as if I deluded myself into thinking that all our hardships would pass if we refused to talk about it. I would like to have stayed in love with him. I would like to have loved him more. But after all has been said and done, wanting cannot heal a pulverized heart. Broken self-respect cannot be fixed by an apology.

I do not regret getting into a relationship with someone like him. I cannot say that I would like to turn back the clock. We were unequally matched, that much is true. But our problems were deeper than that. We had both refused to recognize our problems. We had both stood back as everything fell apart. I have been hurt, I have been humiliated and I have been walked out on. But I have no monopoly of pain. I know that somewhere within the deep belly of Metro Manila, he is there; also wallowing in pain. We have both lost two years of our lives we can never get back. We have both lost our unborn children. Most especially, we have both lost the future we have planned for ourselves. In the aftermath of it all, we are both derelict and alone.

But all these thoughts are moot and academic. There is no longer an "us".

One, two, 23!

2009-05-09T17:07:00.003+08:00

"Time makes you bolder..."
-Landslide

OMG.

Of all the things to say on the very minute I turned 23, OMG just had to be it. On many occasions, I suspect that I am not as smart as I should be. Reasons for this mainly stem from my personal brand of word vomit. I tend to say or think the ditziest remarks on crucial moments.

It's a great, great thing I know better to edit myself in social situations. It's partly due to the fact that I have been embarrassed a lot in the past.

But since I was alone in my apartment waiting for the clock to strike twelve, I had nothing to worry about.

Anyways, after the said Elle Woods-inspired remark, I stealthily began my way back into sanity. I did some retrospection, watched some news, took note of the major changes in my life and watched a little Rachel Zoe Project.

Scratch that last bit.

23 is but a number. But it's a good number.

One the best (and worst) things about being in this age is independence. And since I have talked about this before, I won't anymore.

I'm still not at that point where I resent getting older. And I hope I will never arrive at that juncture. I believe in growing old gracefully...and looking like Jackie O. or Audrey Hepburn when I'm 70.

Cheers. :)

Child Rearing in these Precariuous Times

2009-02-20T15:34:00.005+08:00

“They get what they want,
But they never want it again
Go on take everything,
Take everything you want to...
You should learn to say no.”
-Violet, Hole

I was a crazy kid in high school.

Reminiscing high school life fills me with alternating dread and relief. I was so “socially adept”, it was horrible. At that juncture of my life; I didn’t have much respect for authority. Generally, I lacked respect for anyone. Irreverent, would be a nice-sounding description for it.Thankfully, I did eventually grow out of that phase.

And while I am as irreverent as ever, I have learned to channel my energies better. Call it maturity, call it getting older, call it getting tired…basta napagod ako sa pagiging pasaway.

When those “open party” stories circulated through the blogosphere some time back, I was left reminiscing times past. After sifting through epic proportions of reposts and replies, I now have the basic facts:

A high school kid went to an open party. He danced with a girl. They cam whored. And some time later, the same kid got beat up.

End of facts.

When I look at the incident through my wild child high powered lenses (also known as I thought about it for five minutes…while taking a dump), my reactions were the following (in order of thought process):

-Whut?! OMAYGAD. That’s so appaling. How could these people do this?

-I am never letting my (future) kids parteeeey

-Meh. It’s so epic. And so high school.

-Must get to the bottom of this.

So I made an effort. I sifted through more blogs. I even wrote to the people involved. It was a helluvalot of clicking and googling. Such a Herculean task. But I didn’t want to just repost stuff. I mean, so many people have reposted the beat up kid’s mom’s letter. I didn’t want to join in, repost without verifying.

In short, ang arte ko kasi kaya nag hirap akong magresearch.

After all that investigative journalism, I came up with these conclusions:

The kid was beat up at an open party, that much is true. But when it comes to determining which party he went to, confusion abounds. There were two open parties that night.

Some people and groups have become whipping boys. Other kids have taken (undeserved) heat for this. Just because they were mentioned in the beat up kid’s mom’s letter.

So many people have posted,reposted and reacted to this issue; it has become a case of mass paranoia.

People seem to have forgotten that high school kids tend to do stupid things, it’s what they’re supposed to be doing at that point. We “grown ups” should hold ourselves morally accountable to them. And accountability as elders includes being mature enough to keep oneself in check before lashing out on kids. This means that: GROWN UPS SHOULDN’T JUST REPOST WITHOUT CHECKING OUT THE FACTS.

And lastly, though justice must and should be served; let us not blow things out of proportion. I will say this again: these are high school kids.

When you think about it, it is not their morality that we should question.It is our own morality that we should question. We should ask ourselves how could we have let this happen? And how could we call ourselves adults if we refuse to see beyond the blame game?

This incident should serve as a wake up call for all of us. It is not a reason for vendetta or prohibition campaigns. It is a call for tolerance and maturity. It is a call for self-examination.

Raising children will be difficult, no matter what decade you happen to be in. When our children get hurt, we naturally want to retaliate. We want to strike back at once. We suffer with our children. We have all the reason to be mad.

But you know what?

When we strike back at those other kids who have hurt our own; WE FORGET THAT THOSE KIDS HAVE LOVING PARENTS TOO. And that these parents can and will be equally hurt by our actions.

Who shall cast the first stone, then? Cast it you may, but remember to look at the dirt on your palms.

The Real World vs. the Realistic World and Other Anomalies

2009-02-10T21:05:00.007+08:00

When I was in college, I used to be told by my parents that I would get my shot at independence when I moved out and got a job. Then I would know the hardships of the real world and appreciate how much they sacrificed to give me a good education and stuff.

Luckily (or unfortunately...it depends), I had my shot at independence long before I finished college. I did not have to wait to finish my degree to get pushed into the real world. I didn’t need a diploma to know what it was to starve. I made a deal with my parents: let me do my activist stuff and will not ask for money.

Now that I’m working, I’ve moved out and have generally steered clear of my family’s precarious finances; I would like to commemorate this event by listing down the top ten things that set “Icanmakeitonmyown” from “Buymestuffmommeh”.

10. The consequences of waking up late.

Waking up late in college meant two things: not showing up at class and sleeping the day off or two, spending your day’s allowance drinking, lamierdizing (bwahahahaha) or going to random places.

Yuppie stage: waking up late can mean a number of things. It can mean a salary deduction, it can me you were too drunk the night before to remember you had work the next day, it could mean staying late at the office to finish stuff you could have finished if you’d arrived on time or it could me you take a day off and drink more beer.

Being a yuppie will force you to wake up on time. When you are faced with HR personnel from hell, administrators that make hell seem like a peachy place to be and demanding bosses who can make Hitler cry; you have no choice.

Actually you do: you can quit your job.

9. The consequences of being pissed drunk at 6AM.

Being one of the cool kids in college; I had my share of drunken 6AM, 10AM, 3PM and what am pm (?!) moments. As much as I would like to say that I paid dearly for these drunken festivities, in all brutal honesty; I didn’t. And if I did, I may have been too hung over to remember.

When you’re earning your keep, one of the major consequences of being pissed drunk at 6 AM is no. 10’s consequences. That, and you can’t make heads or tails of anything at the office when you come in (if you do).

8. When you want something, you…

Ask your parents to buy it. Whine till they buy it. Or skip lunch for a whole week so you can buy it. Pretty simple, right?

In the real world, you learn that saving money isn’t a suggestion, it’s a must. Especially if you’ve moved away from you parents, saving up and controlling your expenses can be a real challenge. And by challenging, I mean practicing practical consumerism can drive you to tears. No matter how much or little you make, you will always have to save for a rainy day. Corollary to that; this also means that you can’t just splurge on impulse buys, conditioners in pretty containers, sleek gadgets and foodstuff that strike your fancy.

You have no mummy or daddy to “borrow” extra money for “stuffineedpleaseohplease” You will have to bite the bullet and admit that you may be a little too poor for some things.

7. There will always be food when I get home.

One of the most ignored facts of college life: your parents’ pantry. Getting that degree may throw so much shite at you, you’d wish you stayed in high school. But no matter what happens at school you can be sure you’ll be able to wolf down something when you get home.

Not so when you move out.

6. Your college self uses all the household utilities till kingdom come.

You pay the bills now. Enough said.

5. Explaining why you crawled in at 7AM the next day when your class ended at 3PM.

Moving out and being on your own does have its perks. If you’re like me and you live alone in an apartment, you can crawl in at any time of day or night. You have no one to answer to and conversely, no one to be stressed about.

Living alone means that you have to learn to take care of yourself. This also means you will have to know how to get home by yourself.

A lot of college kids take this for granted. Independence entails getting to places on your own. It also means figuring out how to get home when you’re wasted in a place which seems like another country.

End point: no explanations means no stressing. But it also means keeping up with the wide world out there by yourself.

4. Clean up your own mess.

Robert Fulghum one said: “being grown up means scooping the gunk out of the kitchen sink"

Let me tell you this: grown ups should not flinch at the sight of icky stuff. Or at least, should control their flinching. A big part of growing up is having sufficient gag reflex/strength to clean up your own mess.

We shouldn’t expect the following.

-that mommy will do your laundry

-that daddy will help you get a new job

-that you can run home when you run out of food

-that you can hide behind your parents’ influence/money/glamour/fame/personality when you fuck things up.

Growing up is like acknowledging poop. It’s disgusting, it’s hard to ignore but you can be mature and clean up.

3. Buying Furniture

When you move out, don’t bring all your teenage furniture with you. Leave your baggage at your parents’ house. Similarly, leave parental baggage behind. Just like pushing an old, bulky sofa up a flight of stairs: it is simply not worth it.

Buy new furniture. It will teach you the value of not spilling stuff on the upholstery. Something that your mother tried in vain to teach you when you were young.

2. Balance your life.

Balancing your schedule was hard enough in college (with all the parties, tests, parties and more tests). It becomes doubly harder to sort out your professional and personal schedule when you don’t live at home.

Make sure to call mom every week. Moving out isn’t about pushing your parents away. It is giving you and your parents room to grow.

Kung baga, tapos na paghihirap nila sa iyo. Mwahahahaha.

And lastly, independence means having two things: wisdom and freedom.

You are not supposed to be a wild child at this time of your life. You will just have to accept it. Embrace your freedom with some maturity. Make yo momma proud.

2009-01-30T23:13:00.000+08:00

Love Letter

Sylvia Plath

Not easy to state the change you made.
If I'm alive now, then I was dead,
Though, like a stone, unbothered by it,
Staying put according to habit.
You didn't just toe me an inch, no--
Nor leave me to set my small bald eye
Skyward again, without hope, of course,
Of apprehending blueness, or stars.

That wasn't it. I slept, say: a snake
Masked among black rocks as a black rock
In the white hiatus of winter--
Like my neighbors, taking no pleasure
In the million perfectly-chiseled
Cheeks alighting each moment to melt
My cheek of basalt. They turned to tears,
Angels weeping over dull natures,
But didn't convince me. Those tears froze.
Each dead head had a visor of ice.

And I slept on like a bent finger.
The first thing I saw was sheer air
And the locked drops rising in a dew
Limpid as spirits. Many stones lay
Dense and expressionless round about.
I didn't know what to make of it.
I shone, mica-scaled, and unfolded
To pour myself out like a fluid
Among bird feet and the stems of plants.
I wasn't fooled. I knew you at once.

Tree and stone glittered, without shadows.
My finger-length grew lucent as glass.
I started to bud like a March twig:
An arm and a leg, an arm, a leg.
From stone to cloud, so I ascended.
Now I resemble a sort of god
Floating through the air in my soul-shift
Pure as a pane of ice. It's a gift.

The Choices We Make

2009-01-23T15:37:00.004+08:00

“Too many walls have been built in between us
Too many dreams have been shattered around us
If I seem to give up they'll still never win
Deep in my heart I know the strength is within”
-Too Many Walls, Cathy Dennis

Sometimes I wonder why I even bothered to be idealistic. I spent most of my college life marching around Metro Manila whilst shouting for the downfall of the government. I spent the better part of my so-called youth learning about poverty (other’s and my own) and the lack of empathy my fellow students had.

So many hours have been spent fuming at spineless student body presidents, ranting relentlessly and even falling apart from sheer exhaustion. All these have made my college experience in Ateneo two things: academically suicidal and borderline non-existent.

Again I ask myself; “Why did I even bother?”

I’m thinking about these things as I’m sitting here on my cushy chair in an air conditioned office in Ortigas. The irony of ironies never fails to present itself when I report for work each day. Why did I go against the corporate flow all my college life only to sell out and become a corporate whore thereafter?

The answer is frustratingly simple: I did this because I could.

After almost half a decade of being active in cause-oriented groups I have met astounding people who have lived out their life’s calling. These were not twenty somethings assuring you of their lifetime commitment. These were people who were jailed and tortured during Martial law, people who gave the prime of their lives to serving the people. These people, despite all their hardships are the lucky ones. They have purpose, their lives are meaningful.

A good friend once told me: “You’re lucky to have something to die for. The rest of us are just ambling along aimlessly.”

A few years after those fateful words were spoken, I found myself at a job interview. Apparently, I had enough qualifications to become a copywriter for a lingerie retail company. At the time, I was still very much active in the movement and I was a bit hesitant to try anything else. But I was also a firm believer in stretching my wings, trying out things I had never considered before. Needless to say, I accepted the offer.

And here I am now. Staring at underwire bras, soft cup bras, push up bras, Wonderbras, girdles, thongs, boy shorts and whatnot for eight hours a day while trying to amuse myself with more cerebral activities. Though I am far from being a jaded employee, I am still bothered that I am even employed at a corporation; albeit a small one.

After countless recounts of my college activist days, certain thoughts have come into play. I realize that all I needed was a change of scenery to be able to tell myself that I cannot turn my back on activism. I guess you could say that a step back is all you need to realize that you have indeed found your life’s calling. And that your calling doesn’t involve staring at breasts for hours on end.

Every time I am reminded of the sordid situation this country is in, I am appalled by the lack of response from my fellow yuppies. I cannot believe that people can just go about their business and not notice that our country is submerged in a political, moral and economic cesspool. Coming to terms with the growing apathy among young professionals is disheartening.

It is so disturbing to hear those Americanized twangs in Starbucks, talking about their iPods while the rest of our nation is in turmoil. I wish people would learn to be more proactive. Moreover, I wish yuppies would see that no matter how much you make; no matter how accented your speech is and no matter where you go: you will always be Filipino.

We should stop heaping thick unnatural accents on our heritage in an effort to hide it. We should stop playing the apathetic dunces who make money. We should stop because in truth, caring about the society we live in is what sets us apart from the other members of the animal kingdom.

Youth enables one to do so many things. Being young means having enough energy and gall to try and change the status quo. A young professional actually has more reason for rage when taxpayer’s money is pocketed by individuals. You actually pay income tax now. By virtue of shelling out money for the government every month, one should naturally be concerned where it goes.

Which all boils down to my daily question; why did I even bother to become a yuppie if I despise corporations and paying tax so much?

I entered the corporate world because I could. I am employed in an American corporation despite all my political convictions because I can be employed and also, because I am afraid. I am afraid to pass up a chance. I’m afraid that if all I do is march down streets, shout political slogans and discuss ideologies I will never ever learn anything else.

The dissipation of my lifetime learning curve is something that I cannot stomach. But now that I can say: I tried working in a cushy corporate job and it sucks, I can go back to my former life.

Now no one can say I never tried anything else but activism. No one can say that I never experienced a hard day’s labor or that I never paid taxes. I’ve been overworked for measly pay.

One needs options in order to choose. And now that I’ve tried both corporate whore and militant activist, I can determine where I am called to be.

And you know what?

I’ve decided to turn in my resignation and return to the streets.

Breaking Point

2009-01-13T20:56:00.002+08:00

I don't think a lot of people have seen me stark raving mad. That's because I don't like being stark, raving mad. I often think that being angry zaps me of energy and wastes my time. However there are times when being stark raving mad is the only way to make things right.

Today is such a day.

I hate it when people think that they can abuse my kindness and generosity. I simply hate it when people I work with get this impression that I always let things slide. It's not that I'm a pushover. I just find most confrontations (or persons for that matter); a waste of my bloody time. Some spats, albeit some people are not worth my attention. Thus I have this veneer of acceptance, of blind charity.

I would have let this pass. It's been some months since I last had news of your dreary, pathetic and bug-like existence. But alas, you come back. And you come back in the slimiest form possible. You come back as a memory, a memory of someone spreading slanderous stories about me amongst my closest friends. Serves you just right that they told me straight off what you were saying about me.

My dear barnacle faced girl, did you think my friends; whom I have known for years would automatically believe you? We don't even know who you really are. In fact, if it weren't for the constraints of work, I wouldn't be caught dead within a 10 mile radius of you.

Why?

It's because I despise people like you. People who feel that by virtue of certain circumstances, they are entitled to some things. The world owes you nothing, remember that. I don't care if you have issues, I don't care if you're insecure and I don't care that you look like a mongoose. Those things are your problems. Don't drag the rest of us into your quagmire of a life. We don't owe it to you. We don't need to help you out.

After virtually making my house your personal credit/debit-free grocery store and coffee shop, after making my boyfriend your loading station and after making my close friend a virtual cash cow, you have the gall to come up with this shite. You have the gall to go around, spreading rumors. You have the gall to call me names. Most especially, you have the gall to act as if you have the moral upper hand.

Let me keep this simple: ANG KAPAL NG MUKHA MO.

Here are my wishes for you:
1. May you never get your vagina fixed (I refuse to help you out with your Vagoo issues)
2. May you never get proper fashion sense
3. May your stupid ass of a boyfriend cheat on you over and over again while you cling on to him in all your martyred glory.
4. May you never be able have a decent life.

Why do I wish you ill?
I wish you ill and I'm being merciful my dear barnacle faced girl. I am being merciful because if I did not value you as a person I WOULD HAVE WISHED YOU DEAD.

Be forewarned: never ever set foot in my house again, bitch.

Of Making Lists and Being Listless

2009-01-05T19:35:00.002+08:00

I usually find myself listless at the beginning of each year. Sometimes I think that this is due to the fact that I have a "year in review" habit. At the start and end of every year, I become a news junkie. I tend to relive each news worthy moment of the year that was. Be it current events, fashion, showbiz or even obscure events; I like looking back at the year that was. All of which bring me to the question:

"So, what's next?"

That, my friends is when the listlessness starts. I start to wonder. I start to imagine. At this point of the year, I cannot be functional at all. My mind wanders. I usually get up to speed by the 11th of January. Till then, I'm in lalaland.

My state of mind is so not working for me now. I have things to finish up at the office, and other things to finish up on the side. In fact, I have so much work that I shouldn't be wasting my time blogging.

But alas, HERE I AM.

Anyways, one of the best strategies I have against my wandering thoughts is making lists. It makes me feel efficient. Making lists makes me feel that the things I want to do are actually feasible. And I like ticking off things on my list when I am done with them.

The downside: I also tend to make lists of things to buy. Though this shopping list habit is not entirely a bad thing, it does tend to side track me a lot. I like shopping for things I want. But I don't want to go for broke.

With this in mind, I came up with another strategy. I will make a shopping list but put it where I don't see it all the time. This way, when I have extra money; I do know where I put my shopping list and I'm not blindly shopping. Also, when I should be saving up, I'm not yearning for things I can't have at the moment.

While my system for doing things isn't entirely efficient, it does save me a lot of grief.

Now back to work.

year in review

2009-01-02T17:44:00.003+08:00

It's high time I made my 2008 in retrospect entry. I think it's high time because am back at the office and kinda bored. Since the holidays are pretty much over, it's time to make a run down of the major things that happened in 2008. Since things have a way of happening all at the same time, I decided to give one or two highlights for each month of 2008. Let's start.

2008 was a year of changes for me. Some of these changes, I accepted readily. Though most of it happened without me realizing; 2008 brought changes that turned my life upside down.

January 2008
Spent the first days of 2008 in Sagada. This was a great start. My first new year's day away from my family. The best thing about this was I had time to reflect and rethink my life; something that I didn't do much in 2007. I made decisions and a list of short term goals for 2008.

These were:
1. Finish college
2. Move out
3. Get a job in journalism or creative writing
4. Go to part time law school
5. Don't let activism slip away.

Of my 5 goals, I accomplished 4. This is pretty good in my book.

February 2008
I spent the better half of this month problematizing valentine's day. Not because I didn't have a boyfriend but because I had a boyfriend who didn't want to do anything. The continuous shooting down of mt v-day ideas gave some perspective to out relationship. I realized that unless the dynamics of our relationship changed soon, I would be stuck with someone who was very insecure. I also realized his under appreciation of my worth was mainly because of his pea-sized ego which couldn't cope with how "ambitious" I was.

Needless to day, the month of love left me yearning for a better kind of love.

I also landed my first "real" job this month at writers.ph.

March 2008
This month was a mix of rallies, realizing that there are more things to life and lots of mixed up priorities. This picture says it all:

That's me on a bout of ADHD at a rally in Plaza Miranda.

Pivotal entry for March:

hindi ko alam kung dapat ko ba iniisip ito. unang una, maraming trabaho. as in maraming trabaho ngayon. pangalawa, parang masisira naman buhay ko pag ginawa/inisip ko pa ito. pero...may maliit na boses sa puso kong nagsasabing hindi kami ang dapat magkasama.

nahihirapan na ako. lalo na ngayong parang may ibang hinahabol ang puso ko.

April 2008
This month was dedicated to my thesis, or the lack thereof. This month also assured my that my brain was still functional enough to do academic things. The great thing about this month is that I finished my thesis in record time. Another great thing?

Rediscovering that giddy feeling.

May 2008
All hell broke loose. Character a and I finally called it quits. Though I saw it coming, I was very very hurt with what happened.

It was inevitable. Picture taken during less turbulent times.

June 2008
Character c and I were busy dodging bullets this month. We were also holding on to each other.

Pivotal Conversation:

kristel dahlin: well... if you can leave him just like that, he might not be that special to YOU
tish: it's not that. it's just that i'm no martyr.
tish: i want him in my life, but if he gives me shite in exchange for my heart, ima do him in. :D

July 2008
By far, the most trying time of my relationship with character c. Also, the most stressful month of my professional life. July is SONA month. Any political activist knows that this can lead to major headaches. Fortunately, it didn't show on my face.

I also went to Hong Kong this month.

August 2008
Am living in a pressure cooker, with all these other people. I can call this month my short fuse month. I was forced to work with people I absolutely detested. I was even forced to defend them. This month was very exhausting, physically and emotionally. It forced to recognize three truths:
1. Even if I don't like a person, I will never be willing to trash their reputations just for the sake of it.
2. I should learn my lessons well; stop trusting people who have failed you at each turn.

3. Cut ties, cut your losses when you should. A relationship that's more damaging than good can and will destroy you.

September 2008

The start of many many adventures.

October 2008
Landed another job. Met amazing people.

November 2008
Finally moved out.

December 2008
Had the best holiday ever.

===
2008 was full of challenges. I can say that it was full of emotionally crippling moments. Thankfully, I chose not to focus on falling down. 2008 taught me that there are some things that matter more than appearances. It was a year that left me steadfast in my personal convictions and political beliefs. It was also a year that tested my morals and how far I was willing to go to defend myself.

2008 was a year of travelling: emotionally and physically. I learned to cut ties with people who were doing more harm to me than good. I also reconnected with old friends.

It was also an eye-opening year: I realized that no matter what life throws at me; everything is a matter of perspective. I can't forsee or prevent every bad thing that comes my way. However, I can control how I react to life's catastrophes.

2008: I got pissed. I got raging mad. I got hurt. I fell out of love. I fell in love. I disconnected. I reconnected. I set on a path, I chose another highway.

It was great.

Materialism

2008-12-17T20:50:00.002+08:00

Since Christmas is all about getting gifts... I decided to join the bandwagon and post the top ten items on my extensive Holiday wish list.

Though, on the back of my head I'm thinking: "It's time I gave myself some goodwill...I buy stuff for myself this year...Never mind friends who never call or pesky relatives.."

10. Notebooks, Coloring Materials and Pens
Call me old school. I still get the best results when I think with a pen and some paper in hand. So, if you wanna go the cheap route; give me some ball point pens, pencils, notepads, post its and whatever else you can find in your local bookstore under 50 pesos. Times are hard, I don't mind cheap at all.

9. Plastic Containers and Boxes

Another sign of unavoidable aging: my compulsion to organize my stuff. While I like the appeal of a "this is not a mess, this is art!" room; sometimes it appears a little too juvenile. Call it maturity, call it OCD, call it plain twentysomething despair, quarter life crisis. I simply cannot tolerate stuff lying about anymore. You can buy these at your local bookstores, department stores and hardware shops. Is cheap, useful and I will be grateful.

8. Soap, Bath Gel, Shower Gel, Bath Salt or Body Wash
Since I like taking a bath so much. Anything that can aide my in my soapy endeavors will be much appreciated. My choices vary from drugstore bough shower gels to expensive cult brand/designer stuff. But my rule of thumb is: if it is sud-inducing, I will most likely like it.

7. A Book
I'm not very picky when it comes to books. I'd read anything just to get to the bottom of things. But I do have favorite genres. I like chick lit, history, politics, philosophy, comics and crime books. And whatever you do, don't even think about The Alchemist.

6. A Laptop Computer

Since I currently don't have one, I need one. Haha. This is probably the priciest item on my list. Something I don't expect on Christmas morning.

5. Stiletto Pumps

Since I wear a size 4 and a half, it's usually very hard for me to find shoes that fit. Which is a tragedy since I am secretly in love with shoes. I don't care what brand it is as long as it's my size. I just need new stilettos. Black, Red, Hot Pink and Yellow are my top picks.

4. Philosophy Purity Facial Wash and Toner
This worked miracles for me this year. I want to spend 2009 with this facial wash.

3. A new mobile phone
This is such a common item. Everyone has this on their wish lists. But I'll put it here anyway. I'm not sure what kind of phone to get so I just stick with basic stuff: great reception and user-friendly. I have my eye on this phone though, the nokia 6300.

2. A kickass journal
Contrary to popular belief, I'm actually very organized. I like scheduling things, making sure I do things on time. I'm also not scared of breaking my plans for some other worthwhile activity (but not before rescheduling other stuff). This journal suits me better than the coffeehouse ones.

number ONE: SOME PEACE AND QUIET I need a vacation.

kthnx. :D

Your Objection Gets My Nod

2008-12-03T22:27:00.005+08:00

A good newspaper is never nearly good enough but a lousy newspaper is a joy forever.
- Garrison Keillor
That Old 'Picayune-Moon
Harper's September 1990

I have just read a very, very, very disturbing pooled editorial by a certain group of student journalists from sorta reputable school. Now, am not one to gripe and flail around muddy uni politics and I am not about to start defending Ateneo. Mainly because I believe Ateneo is not without faults.

As a prelude to writing my "no-i-am-not-defending-Ateneo" post; I read A WHOLE LOT of reactions from Ateneans who blog, non-Ateneans who blog and even tuned in to my college friends' whole discussion on the said editorial.

Being someone who served twice on a student publication's editorial board, I can enumerate lots of reasons to be simply appalled at the editorial. But I will just stick to one.

Not for want of facts or drive or even form. I was appalled at the lack of logic. A journalist doesn't simply report and quote various sources (like wikipedia, which was apparently consulted for this editorial). A journalist is supposed to make a coherent and logical story out of all the data collected. Moreover, sifting fact from fiction from downright incoherent thought is one of the main reasons why it is imperative for journalist to have some grasp of reality and logic.

The mere fact that the editorial seemed like a distorted group of arguments with nothing connecting A to B makes it a bit taxing to read. And when it finally dawns on you what the editorial was really about (read: bitterly bashing Ateneo), you cannot decide whether to laugh it off or demand those editor's heads.

I laughed it off.

At first.

Then I told myself:

Fine.

Taga Ateneo ako.

Fine.
Nakaka offend nga ito.

Nakakaburat nga. Slanderous ang piece na ito. Oo, maraming mayaman sa Ateneo at oo, sanitized environment ito. Maraming elistang walang alam sa paghihirap ng Pilipinas sa Ateneo.

But still, Ateneans; though slow to the chase have usually stood their ground on pertinent issues. Is that merit enough to go to hell? Is supporting a reproductive bill unchristian?

I think not.

Christ believed in uplifting those who had none, He hung out with poorest of the poor and most importantly; He preached tolerance.

Which is why I am surprised of the lack of tolerance these supposedly Christian editors have for those who need a bill that will uphold their human right to health. I am sad to see bright minds believe that overpopulation is something that can be treated with band aid solutions (like post natal care, more health care providers, etc).

We are a nation faced with poverty and overpopulation (mainly due to the lack of resources for recreational activities)

In Filipino: pag gigil, walang makakapigil.

We need preemptive solutions to overpopulation. Corollary to that point, the RH Bill is geared towards protecting those whose pregnancies could be caused by sexual abuse or will have high risk pregnancies. Conversely, it is also for those who cannot support a child (or another child for that matter). Access to better health care and more options is a great step towards a healthier country.

To be Atenean means to become a person for others. This person will put their name and reputation on the line for what they believe is right. I am proud that some members of the Ateneo faculty gave a voice to all those who are in dire need of reproductive health care.

NO PREGNANCIES = NO ABORTIONS.

===
I don't so much mind that newspapers are dying-it's watching them commit suicide that pisses me off.
-Molly Ivins

*I also find it misleading that the statement issued by some members of the faculty are quoted and stabbed at relentlessly as the stand of the whole institution.

A Time for Thingies

2008-12-03T16:36:00.002+08:00

"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: To everything there is a season....A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace."

this week so far: a time to keep friends close. i've been running into old friends for the last three days. i wonder if the universe is telling me something.

blast from the past

2008-12-02T20:03:00.002+08:00

i kept no pictures of you. not because i never wanted to remember but because the memories were vivid enough. after almost half a decade, i still remember. i find it foolish that i still remember those hallways, that car seat, that pair of shoes.

though i don't resent it; i believe my memory isn't doing you justice.

now, some coherence is in order

2008-12-01T17:39:00.002+08:00

the past weeks have been tiring, stressful and rewarding. it's been a combination of being really pissed off at something and actually being happy. but this post is about something more important.

i want to talk about the animated feature: Bolt.

yesterday, i dragged character c to watch Bolt. i realize that while most people our age were watching (or raring to at least) Twilight, we were lining up at Glorietta to watch a kiddie flick. the thing is, i've never read the Twilight books. add that to a lot of bad reviews from my friends and my love for dogs...

endpoint: we just had to watch Bolt.

admittedly, Bolt isn't as irreverent as Madagascar 2. it doesn't have a lot of slapstick in it. the great thing about it is, it actually gives you a lot of themes to work with.

i'm not giving a synopsis of the film. but i do encourage people to go and see it. i have four reasons for doing so.

1. it has a cute hamster character (the one in the ball thingy)
2. its characters (animal and human) are all round characters or at least undergo some kind of epiphany; making the film enjoyable for those who like character development that go well with the plot.
3. it explores our perceptions of reality, kindness and love.
and lastly, any dog with super powers is a winner for me.

reading the news: not healthy

2008-11-20T17:38:00.002+08:00

a recent study by the World Health Organization (WHO) concluded that reading or watching the news on a daily basis is not beneficial to general health. being in the know can actually cause heart disease, cardiovascular failure or obesity.

i am just joking.

but seriously, sometimes ignorance is bliss. now that i've gotten into the habit or reading the news every time i log on to the internet; i find that i'm collecting reasons to be seething. i read US news, local news and international news. and evry goddamned day, i find an a-hole or two that i want to kill with a fork through his penis.

howells. back to reading the news.

An Angry Taxpayer

2008-11-19T22:11:00.004+08:00

I have always tried not to write anything political on my personal blog. I'm OC like that, my politics is usually relegated to the columns I write. But today, I can't help but be unhappy and seething.

1. I cannot believe that Jocjoc Bolante is readily taking us for fools. His story is worse than a grade schooler's explanation of a missing chocolate bar. Does he think that people will actually buy the "Malacanyang/GMA had nothing to do with the plundering? They knew not what he was doing" story?
Given, he has taken pains to look like crap (as in nakakaawa naman ang matanda..leave him alone!?) BUT LOOKING FORLORN SHOULD NEVER BE AN EXCUSE. You cannot show up and say; "hey, i'm sickish and old...please don't prosecute me for the gross injustices I did against Filipinos.." THE LAW SHOULD DEAL WITH YOU. YOU SHOULD BE PROSECUTED, YOU BASTARD. I am all for ethical treatment, but to treat Mr. Bolante as a VIP is an insult to everyone else in this country. My anger can be justified. I'm one of the millions of Filipinos whose paycheck gets hacked to pieces because of the GODDAMNED INCOME TAX. I'm part of the many who aimlessly push their carts in the grocery store because EVERYTHING IS MORE EXPENSIVE WITH RVAT AND I CANNOT GET MY PESO TO STRETCH MORE. I have every right to be mad at Mr. Bolante, he has spent and wasted tax payer's money. He should pay up, even if he has to pay up with pounds of his own flesh. I mean that literally.

2. What opposition? There is no opposition.

it could get worse...

2008-11-19T16:24:00.001+08:00

i had a fight with character c last night.

bouts of self doubt

2008-11-18T18:03:00.002+08:00

Ok. So maybe this is all my fault. Ok. Not a maybe. This is all my fault. Why is it that I have all these thoughts about whether character c and i will last? why am i even thinking about that? i don't think he's done anything to sound the alarm. so why am i thinking like this?

i sound all whiny. gad.

grief passes somehow.

2008-11-14T15:47:00.003+08:00

"And yet the compensations of calamity are made apparent to the understanding also, after long intervals of time. A fever, a mutilation, a cruel disappointment, a loss of wealth, a loss of friends, seems at the moment unpaid loss, and unpayable. But the sure years reveal the deep remedial force that underlies all facts. The death of a dear friend, wife, brother, lover, which seemed nothing but privation, somewhat later assumes the aspect of a guide or genius; for it commonly operates revolutions in our way of life, terminates an epoch of infancy or of youth which was waiting to be closed, breaks up a wonted occupation, or a household, or style of living, and allows the formation of new ones more friendly to the growth of character. It permits or constrains the formation of new acquaintances, and the reception of new influences that prove of the first importance to the next years; and the man or woman who would have remained a sunny gard."

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

~*~
it's been a tough week. but it's also been most rewarding.

changing times

2008-11-13T20:09:00.001+08:00

things do change a lot. i think the le familia really has to live with me being away. please family, give me a break.

inasmuch as

2008-11-10T16:24:00.004+08:00

admittedly, i've been very busy as of late. i took on two full time jobs, am moving out of my mom's, moving in with character c, etc.

that's not exactly what i want to talk about here.

lots of people i know will agree; my life is nothing short of a fantastic roller coaster adventure. there's always some goddamned exciting or emotional thing happening everyday. i think that my definition of a "normal day" is a far cry what a normal day should really be.

but then again, it's all a matter of perspective.

i can trip/have an embarrassing fall while commuting or walking round ortigas (or wherever my clumsiness strikes), be drenched in the rain, walk in a flood or forget my wallet AND STILL consider the day i had a great day. i tend to laugh everything off.

i've reached this point where anything can be funny. when i look back on the bad things that have happened, i always find something funny about them though i may still feel defensive, irate or sensitive about an issue.

everyday is just happy. i can't stay sad for too long. it takes too much effort and energy to rant and rave. i just want to stay happy.

my life is not all peachy. but i choose to cope and be positive.

that and i have an arsenal of alcohol and ciggies to back me up. nyahahahahahahaha.

character c

2008-10-14T15:55:00.003+08:00

i'm an irrational girl. i demand things. but i think like a guy. for all it's worth, thank you for putting up with me. i wouldn't put up with myself even if i'd be paid to.

poke the penguin!

2008-10-13T23:23:00.002+08:00

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panda and me.

2008-10-11T03:51:00.001+08:00

we've been laughing so hard. ^__^

moving on up

2008-10-04T13:55:00.003+08:00

I have two jobs now. Having them will raise my net worth to around 30k a month. My mom has already told me to get an apartment.

Everything is going as fast paced as I can handle.

I'm happy about all this. I really am. But I know that certain people in my life won't be too happy to hear about these developments. Hay. I shouldn't care, but I do. I wish that they could just be happy for me. Everything is going my way and it never hurts to wish a friend well.

sinisinta kita

2008-09-29T13:30:00.002+08:00

punyeta. in love talaga ako.

happy 4-1!

finally, am home

2008-09-27T10:18:00.003+08:00

there are limits to my generosity. i've spent a week minding character c's family. so much so that we have been mistaken for a married couple many times. i know that character c and i move with a certain synchronicity. we move together, we think along the same lines. yes, it had the makings of two people meant for each other. something that i have missed because character a and i barely spoke the same language.

everything is just very comfortable with character c. am happy about that. what i don't like is being judged. i mean. c'mon now. we're the only ones willing to sleep in the goddamned hospital and you blame us for that? if you really didn't one us to be there, then someone else should have volunteered to do it instead. complaints without viable alternatives are a pain in the arse.

speaking of pains in the arse. his brother, (let's call him suzie) is another gigantic pain in the arse. he does need my help. i cannot imagine someone who claims to want to go into foreign service not understand BASIC concepts such as sustainable development, neo-liberalization, trade liberalization.

my gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad.

his stupidity appalls me. aside from his utter lack of respect for me and his brother (who is consequently sending him to school; whom he called useless crap), i am irritated by this brandishing of stupidity. i cannot.get.over.his.ignorance.

going the family way

2008-09-25T15:00:00.003+08:00

i've been with character c and his family for almost a whole week. what this spells for our relationship is yet to be seen. suffice to say, it hasn't been smooth sailing. it's the first time we're stuck together for a really long time. it's not really that bad. just a little unsettling. i do have to get used to this somehow.

hot head

2008-09-16T20:54:00.002+08:00

ewan. ang init ng ulo ko lately. grabe.

2008-09-13T01:24:00.004+08:00

on escapism

2008-09-11T08:24:00.003+08:00

today, i faced the day with two reading materials by my side. The Bible (a.k.a Cosmopolitan) and a fantasy book. which lead me to think about certain events unfolding in my life. for a really, really, really long while now; not much has been written on this blog that isn't (even vaguely) related to character c. with that thought in mind, i began to panic. am i loosing myself in this relationship?

panic. panic. panic.

which pretty much sums up my morning thoughts.

===

last night, we had birthday dinner for my mom and my aunt. beforehand, my mom gave a horrendous speech/sermon which REALLY DID HELP me get into the spirit of things. am not sure why my mother keeps on doing this to herself. it's as if the woman likes self destructing at crucial times. she notices everything. every minute detail. she cannot let things go, even for a time. that is why supposed happy ocassions (birthdays, weddings, christmas, new year's, etc) turn into major sob-fests. one cannot help but be a little annoyed. i wasn't annoyed last night though,

i was pissed.

it's her own birthday, god damn it. can't she just let things slide, even for one night? jesus h. christ. the woman is mad.

hanapin mo ang pinaka sweet sa picture na yan

2008-09-10T00:53:00.003+08:00

bored? o stressed?

2008-09-10T00:44:00.001+08:00


	Tish successfully averted WW3 with some covert operation that is top secret.
	... afterward, Tish became an ideal and disappeared.
	'How will you be remembered in history books?' at QuizGalaxy.com

quiz (totoo naman)

2008-09-09T11:02:00.002+08:00

- May 6 -
You love literature and the arts and dreaming and traveling. You love attention and are constantly attracting people with your charm. People find you very stimulating intellectually.
Positive Traits: kind, generous, honest, trustworthy, responsible
Negative Traits: manipulative, a gossip, presumptive, codependency, controlling
'What does your Birthdate mean?' at QuizGalaxy.com

natuto na ako't nagtanda

2008-09-09T10:13:00.005+08:00

ano ba dapat gawin kung ang isang kaibigang pinagkatiwalaan mo ng todo, inasahang mong tutulungan kang bumangon at binigay mo nang buong buo ang suporta sa kanya ay siya din naman palang magkakanulo sa iyo't magpapahiya sa harap ng maraming tao? paano mo haharapin yung katotohanang sa kabila ng lahat ng inyong pag-uusap, sa kabila ng kanyang pagsira sa iyong tiwala noon at pagsisikap mong ibalik ang tiwalang yaon; magagawa pa rin yang magsinungaling sa iyo. magagawa pa rin yang lokohin ka, paasahin ka, saktan ka?

hindi ko alam kung paano pa ako makikitungo sa kanya. sana nanging pranka na lang siya at sinabing kahit ano pa man ang sabihin ko sa kanya; ikakalat pa rin niya ang nalalaman niya sa akin, sa amin. hindi naman ako masasaktan ng ganito kung naging handa ako. ganun lang kasimple ang mga bagay. nagtiwala ako sa iyo. bilang isang kaibigan. sinabi mo noon sa akin kung anong hangganan ng mga ilalahad mo. tanga ako't naniwala pa sa iyo. tahasan mong nilagpasan ang mga hangganang yaon.

sabi mo kagabi, ituring kita hindi lang bilang kaibigan kundi bilang kasama din. ito ang sagot ko sa iyo: hinding hindi na kita ituturing na kaibigan. kahit kailan, hinding hindi na ako magtitiwala sa iyo. kaya kong ituring ka bilang kasama. pero hinding hindi na kita ituturing na kaibigan. huling pagkakataon na itong magpapaloko ako sa iyo't magtitiwala. huli na ito. magtatanda na ako sa susunod na lumapit ka pa sa aking nagkukunwaring magkaibigan pa rin tayo. sana, huwag ka nang umasang babalik pa ang dati nating samahan, ang dati kong tiwala sa iyo. kasi, sigurado akong hinding hindi na ako papayag maibalik pa yaon.

drunken

2008-09-07T13:35:00.001+08:00

for all it's worth, character c and i are doing fine.

timing

2008-09-03T14:21:00.005+08:00

last night, character c and i got out of the staff house as a legitimate couple. the events that unfolded beforehand were, in no small measure, of my own gauge of people around us. it was time to tell the world the real score between character c and i. it made a difference. a disconcerting difference for some, but a difference nonetheless. and to the dynamics of our relationship, telling the world that we are a couple makes a world of difference from hiding in the shadows and stolen moments. i love you, character c.

finally

2008-09-02T23:35:00.001+08:00

alam na ng lahat na kami nga. :D

3

2008-08-28T22:18:00.002+08:00

in less than two hours, character and i will be celebrating 3 months of having a functional relationship. that being said, no one still knows that we are really together. although, when we are with other people, they way we act around each other screams couplehood. even if we don't hold hands in public, or at least when there are other people around... it is still very much obvious that we are together.

tomorrow. zoo. movies and lots of sweet things. will gush about it soon. hahahahha.

...

2008-08-23T23:54:00.002+08:00

there are no catty remarks or witty phrases today

a picture will do.

improvements

2008-08-16T20:52:00.002+08:00

my relationship with character c has been steadily improving. he's done with his work. we've been spending much more time together, and we've been talking more as of late. last night. we were walking th flooded streets of manila. character c had to carry me a number of times. it was reassuring and sweet. i felt like i was being taken care of. we had dinner at his house before hand. his family was warm as usual.

today, he surprised me by bringing me pizza at home.

i'll stop gushing now. :D

motivation, lack thereof

2008-08-03T22:31:00.004+08:00

i think that even though am nearing getting my degree (time wise), i am in fact farther from it than when i started. i lack motivation to finish this semester. it's getting depressing. i have been home for four straight days and i'm pretty sure i didn't accomplish anything by staying at home. in fact, the only things i did while stay at home are: 1. sleep 2. interwebs and 3. smoke. i need to get out of this house.

i should get a move on and finish my degree. god. 6 fucking subjects to go and i can't even swing it. where have all my energies gone lately?

ok. so maybe i do know why i am like this. character a has been giving me a hard time. this has been the most emotionally draining 3 weeks of my life. i want this to end. only three months till i finish and i still can't get myself to do this. i've maxed out all my cuts on all my classes and i feel like i'm back in junior year when i was doing badly in everything except philosophy. i don't know who i should turn to for this. my mom will murder me when she finds out all about my little lack of motivation. murder will be putting it lightly.

i asked a friend of mine, **** about it. and he said that i was just plain lazy. kthanks for the pick me up. really now. gads. maybe i am just being lazy. but whatdapak am i supposed to do now? my academic life has become a cesspool of resentment. i have no idea where to go from here.

another friend, ** said that she thinks i won't graduate at all. which in fact started this whole lack of motivation thing. i know she means well. but telling your already down in the dumps friend that you think she won't graduate is a bit rich. bloody rich. a little consideration please.

to make matters worse, character c has been pushing me to graduate. i don't have the heart to tell him that his little "study hard, etc" reminders are in fact pushing me against the wall and not helping at all. now, i know that he loves me and he does mean well. but please. please. for the love of god. don't treat me like i;m in grade school.

hay.

pursed lips

2008-08-02T17:57:00.001+08:00

as much as i wouldn't want to admit it. i have to. my relationship with character c lacks spice.

me and my mom

2008-08-02T01:32:00.002+08:00

my mom and i have a rather complex relationship. she is the first and last person i run to when i'm in trouble. we talk about just about anything but we hardly see each other. i love hearing her stories, she loves hearing mine but we both don't know what each person actually does in a day.

confusing?

maybe. but i enjoy being with her. we just don't talk too much about jobs and such, i guess. i do know all the sordid details of her heartbreaks as she does mine. what am trying to say is. am grateful.

~*~
oh, character c's mom is getting headway into my life. or is it the other way around? am i getting headway into hers? i really, really like her. except for the fact that i feel she won't approve of my, uhm, lifestyle?

~*~
i miss character c, dammit.

secret smiles

2008-08-01T15:10:00.001+08:00

"see that saucer of iodized salt?
if you can count the grains,
you'd know how much i love you."
-character c

am hopelessly in love with character c now. and the secret smiles we have grow in number.

masaya

2008-07-28T01:28:00.002+08:00

tinatawag niya akong "mutya".
tinatawag ko siyang "sinta".

masaya ako.

may theme song na kami.

Ihaharap kita sa bandilang pula
Tanda ng aking di magmamaliw na sumpa
Sa iyo at sa pakikibaka

Pagmamahal pakaiingatan
Kagaya ng aking tanging pagpapahalaga
Sa iyo at sa pakikibaka

Hindi mag-iisa
'Pagkat laging magkasama
Ang ating pagsuyo'y
Bahagi ng iisa

Pagmamahal pakaiingatan
Kagaya ng aking tanging pagpapahalaga
Sa iyo at sa pakikibaka

Hindi mag-iisa
'Pagkat laging magkasama
Ang ating pagsuyo'y
Bahagi ng iisa

Ikuyom ang mga bala
Sa ating mga palad
Saksi ang mga masa
Sa ating paglalahad

Na hindi mag-iisa
At palaging magkasama
Ang ating pagsuyo'y
Bahagi ng iisa.

mukhang nagmamahalan na nga talaga kami.

100 days

2008-07-23T20:10:00.001+08:00

The Quiet Conquest

Strange. I could have sworn
that i did not see you
enter my secret chambers
inching your way
through these dark caverns
with only the dying embers
of my fallen cigarette to guide you.

Surreal. I could have torn
that smirk off your face that was
edging slowly into a smile
impairing all defenses
that my fortress had
with only the searing looks
of my hidden eyes.

Surrender. I could have borne
these lonesome halls alone
ever denying the sound of you footfalls
imploring me to come hither
that you may do battle for me
with only a heart
of steel to wager.

Still. You could have scorned
these pitiable treasures you found
ending your quest for this heart
icily turning away from me
that my fortress become barren
with only my disbelief
of this chance left.

Sly. You could have left by morn
these threadbare embraces i give
eclipsing a dream that was beginning
in my heart, it dared take form
that these walls be shattered
with sweet confirmations
of what we are and were

functional

2008-07-22T17:11:00.002+08:00

character c wriggled out of work and family responsibilities so we could be together last night. :D he brought me lots of food! am gushing. haha.

recently, character c confirmed my every suspicion. there has been no cooling off in this relationship. we're back to normal, or as normal as we can get. i think that last night was a testament to our couplehood. we spent more time talking, watching stuff and cuddling than having sex. which indicates that our relationship isn't just a carnal one. which is reassuring. it is a sign that we might have something for the long run.

tomorrow, we will celebrate the hundredth day since our first kiss. time passes quickly no matter the circumstance, it seems.

kissing a fool

2008-07-18T12:33:00.002+08:00

you were far, when i could have been you star
you listened to people

character b viewed my profile in an unamed social networking site. so, i viewed her. and ohmyfuckinggod. she is fugly as hell! am regretting that i was ever insecure of her. with that face? my god.

wala naman pala siyang face.

i just can't believe i thought i had competition.

relationship blues

2008-07-16T05:42:00.004+08:00

i've always been a free spirit. i go where i want to, when i want to. for some people, it may appear like i am a selfish brat. however, that is not the case. i have learned to pay for my mistakes, clean up my own shit and basically bite the bullet when need be. i have been like this for so long that i've somewhat developed my own kind of independence. i was raised to think for myself, to demand what is due me and take care of myself. am not used to being monitored, being told to go home at certain hour, being reminded to eat, etc, etc.

for me to get used to those things, i really do have to go through a life-changing turn around.

am not used to this.

character c is invading my space. contrary to popular belief, i am a private person. i control what i say to other people. i believe in projecting an image and how it is separate from my core being. it's not an issue of not being true to yourself. i was just brought up having a very clear sense of my public and personal life. it's not really a bad thing, is it?

i have to admit it. i'm really, really, really uncomfortable with the idea of character c keeping tabs on me. i feel like am talking to my dad, only worse. when my parents want to know where i am and if i'm even coming home, i get 3 questions maximum. character c just goes on and on. i know that he's the worry wart type and the jealous type but please. can't he just trust me and stop asking me where i am every 5 goddammed minutes? is just irritating and i feel like my own private space is being invaded.

i just don't get it.

for one thing, i don't blow my top when he fails to text me on time or at all. i take it as a fact of life. sure i worry but hey, shit happens. it's not a case of life and death at all. that's not it at all. but the way he blew his top last night, it felt as if i'd done something monumentally hurtful or deceitful or something of the same manner.

and all i did was not text him that i was home.

if he was so worried, i could have just called me at home.

goddammit. i need my space.

heal

2008-07-07T23:23:00.005+08:00

am confused out of my wits. it has been a week of confusion. at first i was terribly hurt with character c calling for a cool off. then i realized, i did not even know what the bloody thing meant. i haven't had any cool offs in any of my other relationships. and i feel like it is too early to have one at this point. cool off after barely a month?

it doesn't make sense to me.

i guess in the back of my head, i know that we should be enjoying ourselves now.

i think that character c is getting used to me always giving him whatever the hell he wants. i've been thinking of changing my number of becoming unavailable all out once but i'm scared of hurting his fragile ego. i like complimenting character c because i feel that if he can't be secure with me, it will never work in the long run. it's something i didn't do with character a, actually. but that's a whole different story.

so, after a bout of crying; i was prepared to let character c slip me by. after all, i knew well enough that i could survive. not having character c in my life means less complications for the next six months, actually. and when i thought of it that way, i was (partially) glad to have gotten rid of him.

but no.

character c comes crawling back. stating that in truth, nothing was wrong with me. that he needs to fix his life...he loves me...blah, blah, blah. am skeptical. and a bit unfair. but i have license to be both. after all, character c has done lots of things which don't really bring out his better side. anyways, am still in a conundrum.

we're still "cool off" see? but then again, what does that mean? he's already in some hick town in bloody laguna, we haven't seen each other for more than a week, he doesn't call or email... he actually has all the "space" he needs. but when he does sms, he does it so excessively with all the "iloveyou's" that one may wonder "jesus h. christ, what cool off?"

and here lies my confusion. although tempers have already abated, my eyebrows are still raised. i still have half a mind to change my number. and leave him hanging for at least a day or seven.

~*~

in other news, time does heal all wounds. lately, i've been getting in touch with people that i wouldn't have touched with a ten foot pole 3 or four years before. ah yes, the internet. it amazes me everytime.

i tried

2008-06-30T11:13:00.000+08:00

Last weekend, character c and i celebrated our first month as a couple. and it ended in disaster. We were doing fine till the sunday morning. that's when things began to get awry. he wasn't so up to having sex the whole time. but i figured it was because he was so tired from work. at around 6am, i was tired of being enthusiastic. a little dark green thought had formed in my head. maybe, he wasn't up for the challenge because he had had sex with character b again. mistakenly, i blurted this out.

and he was so mad.

i was relieved that before he left, he assured me that he wasn't mad at me anymore.

i was mistaken.

last night, character c has called for space. cool off. am not sure what it all means. he told me that i had hurt him, that i did not trust him enough. i kept on explaining and apologizing. i kept on tellling him that i only had a fleeting fit of jealousy. that it was unfounded and that i did not really believe he was cheating on me. i felt that we didn't need this cool off set up. that i didn't understand and that i was and am afraid of loosing him. i asked him if he still loved me. he said: "mahirap magmahal ng puro duda."

since sunday moring, he hasn't told me again that he loves me. i am in pain. i know that i hurt him, but did he really have to this? countless times he has hurt me and yet i kept on loving him. i'm not sure about what i should do. i feel so broken. i feel like i have been put aside. i don't know where all this is leading. i don't know how things blew up like this.

i have tried my hardest to undestand. i have given character c all the leeway i could ever give. and yet, here he is. what strikes me is how easy it is for him to let this go. and it is what gives me doubt and pain. i have always believed that if you love someone, you will do everything in you power for that someone to stay in your life. and here he is, pushing me away at the first sight of trouble.

i don't regret loving character c. i don't regret choosing him, convincing myself that we should be together. i cannot just up and go from all this. i cannot just call it quits. i am in pain but i am trying to understand. im trying my damnest to understand. i just wish he could see. that this is such a small issue. that it is not worth all the pain that he has inflicted upon both of us. and i just wish he will realize that i cannot wait forever. that i have had enough of waiting for him.
he broke my heart again.

fonder

2008-06-16T19:15:00.000+08:00

"alone at last."

spent the weekend with character c. :D he bought me a banoffee pie! besides the over the top performance in the bedroom, character c is unbearingly sweet. two words: ketchup and glass. i think that i'm going to be happy for a really long while.

===

am supposed to go to Hong Kong tomorrow. I hope everything works out fine.

2 weeks

2008-06-13T11:31:00.002+08:00

today character c and i celebrate two full weeks of coupledom. and while it may not seem like much to everyone else; i cannot explain how important it is to him and i. character c and i had to go through different stages of uneasiness and self doubt before we even took a real step forward towards becoming a couple. so, two weeks of being together is actually quite worth celebrating. i like having him around. and im happy.

he's back in manila by tomorrow. yey! :D

first week

2008-06-08T19:45:00.001+08:00

it has been one week of couple blissfulness for me and character c. aside from the usual arguments, there have been no major issues to far. of course, it's far too early to say. :D

time

2008-06-02T22:38:00.003+08:00

that's what we need. time to be together. since character c is now working, we've had close to no time at all to be able to bond. during the course of last week, we really had to make major adjustments. his mom/my mom and both our schedules are not the only considerations anymore. we now have to take into account that he will only be in close proximity during weekends. for the rest of the time, he will be at godforsaken alabang for work. and while am perfectly alright with him working, am really really finding it hard to adjust. given, i wasn't exactly ready for this. when we talked about this before, we had no definite relationship to consider. there were no "i love you's" exchanged between us. just me, making all those declarations. i know, i know; i was pretty le pathetique. but then again, i did feel that we were going somewhere and that he was actually giving me something to work with.

and look at us now.

we almost have a functional relationship.

i say almost because we're not quite out in the open. there is literally only a handful of people who actually know what the real score is. and by a handful, i do mean a handful. i am scared, actually. i'm scared that people will see me differently when everything is out and in the open. i'm scared that if we fail at this, people will just nod and brush it off.

character c is the closest i've been to a compromise between what i want and what my family expects. and now that we are finally getting somewhere, i feel as if the rest of the world won't be able to take the news.

more than time to be together, we need time to let things pass; let issues die down. it won't do us any good if we make our declarations now that everyone is emotional. i just want us to have a fair chance at a relationship. i just want us to be able to grow with each other.

and yes, i just want us to be left alone.

progress

2008-06-02T01:10:00.002+08:00

this weekend was another one of those breakthrough weekends character c and i always seem to be having.

sa wakas, nasabi na niya na mahal niya ako at oo, kami nga.

finally, finally

2008-05-28T20:14:00.008+08:00

character c has decided to leave character b.

him: hihiwalayan ko siya para mahalin ka.

i can't breathe. i can't breathe.
~*~
ok. i was half expecting this. but not really. i had more than half a mind this afternoon to really, forcefully call it quits with character c. i came upon this decision in fit of rage over his jealousy over this old friend of mine who just happened to be an old flame too. i was in a rage because i was oh so very confused. and i don't like being confused about anything. anyways, we were both in a rage after around 3 messages.

what was i supposed to do?

i just can't have him tell me over and over that i cannot see so and so persons, he is jealous of so and so...and more importantly, that i should stop smoking; if he cannot get himself to tell me that we do, we do have a bloody relationship.

so maybe i did play hardball with him. but i really couldn't help it. i just don't like constraints without labels, i guess. i'm fine with minimal labels, but none at all at this point seems simply absurd. no one tells me to stop smoking without trying at least to explain why they say so. or at least, i don't think he should have that much hold on me unless, unless he gets over himself and admits that what we do have is an honest to goodness relationship. am sorry, but i really don't have time or energy for vagueness right now.

in retrospect, i may have been too hard on character c. but then again, if i don't push him against the wall now, when will i start to get a move on with my charmed life? i've said this over and over, i don't like to be kept hanging. i hate uncertainty. especially uncertainties i can remedy. and this, my friends is certainly one of them. this is the type of problem that i can avoid, these are the types of questions i can live without if only character c just said whatever is running through his brain.

well, my efforts have paid off. he is leaving her. and that is that.
~*~
in other news, character a is becoming terribly assertive. he refuses. flat out refuses to give up on the carcass of our relationship with the hopes of reviving the damn thing. but what else can he do? i've already made my choice.

i can't stand character a anymore. i just can't bloody stand him. and that's not very hard to understand. a lot of people can actually understand why i simply cannot stand him. there's really not much he can do about the whole thing since i've already made up my mind. given, i gave character a 5 months to clean up his act. it's five months of lip service. i'm not sure if i explained that to character c. prolly not. prolly not.

but then again, do i really have to explain myself? do i really have to?

sometime soon, character a must come to understand this: that all the time he ignored me and took me for granted was precious too. that i don't appreciate the close to zero efforts he gave in the past. and it's not really feasible for him to try and make up for lost time now, now that he realizes that i cannot possibly be here forever if our relationship stays this way.

i have been demonstrative all this time. i do not want to explain myself again.

100

2008-05-26T23:01:00.002+08:00

i was so goddamned drunk last night, character c had to pick me up. i was really, really stark raving drunk. he really, really had to take care of me then. he had to rock me to sleep, clothe me and put me to bed. i was so bloody out of it last night that i couldn't even count.

weekend gave me some points of clarity.

1. i do, i do love character c.
2. he keeps on choosing character b, goddamned it.
3. if he doesn't give me a straight answer by the next weekend, i will fucking whoop his ass.
4. i want to be with him but i won't lower my pride.
5. he won't lower his pride either.

this is going nowhere. this is going absolutely nowhere.

~*~
yesterday morning, he was here. he now holds the distinction of being the only boy that i took into my own bed. i've never brought anyone into my room, let alone have some guy naked on my bed. but now he owns the distinction as my first.

sunday's child

2008-05-25T10:29:00.000+08:00

am waiting for character c to arrive. no boy has done this before. and i'm hoping, no other boy will. :D

wince

2008-05-24T22:12:00.003+08:00

i spent most of yesterday at character c's house. i met most of his family too. it was fun. they fed me till i couldn't breathe. his family is warm, chatty and forthcoming. not at all like mine. mine is just cold and disdainful towards most of my boys. i do wonder though, what they think of me...as per my reasons for being there in the first place. but i like them. i noticed that they do get into each other's business a little too much. then again, that's the case for practically all of the families in this little country.

i'm still wondering though. do they think character c and i have a thing going on? more importantly, do they feel that we have something going on?

i think at some points, they saw us holding hands and such. character c did kiss me when no one was looking. that was nice. i didn't really expect that.

something happened when i left though. i was hugging character c goodbye...

me: i love you
him: i...salamat

hay. jesus h. christ. sayang.

i'll see him again tomorrow. this time, he'll be coming over to my house. sana hindi kami mahuli. hahahahaha.

him: mukhang ok sa kanila (his family) ah!
me: parang ok naman
him: ganun talaga. pag mahal ng isa, tanggap ng lahat.

ibig sabihin ba nito, mahal niya rin ako? o general statement lang yun. but then again, as my friend **** would said:

tae, hindi ka ipapakilala kung di ka mahal. walang tangang gagawa nun.

maybe he does love me and he's just afraid of saying so. it's confusing because i keep waiting for him to tell me but he just doesn't. he likes resisting me. he has a conscious crusade to resist me, goddamn him.

when this absurd set up end? for the love of god, we're perpetually hanging by a thread. we're almost there but not quite. i really can't stand it for much longer.

notes for today

2008-05-21T23:46:00.001+08:00

1. be wary, very wary.

went to character c's today. andohmyfuckinglord.

tis all.

past the point of no return

2008-05-21T01:25:00.003+08:00

i was with character c again this evening. it's past one in the morning now and i just got home. we spent time together alone for most of (last) the night despite the fact the a great person from our group passed away earlier in the day.

yesterday (monday), i defended my bloody thesis. i have to say i did this quite well for someone who barely had time to prepare and make the said paper. character c brought me food when i got home. it was some kind chinese bread thingy that he had to go all over binondo to find. it was sweet. he didn't even stay for more than ten minutes.

i have noticed some changes with the way character c acts around me.

first, he is getting into the habit of carrying me around. he carries me around (in private of course) for the most mundane reasons. when he wants me to move over, instead of telling me he just takes me in his arms. if we're supposed to go to another part of the room together, he doesn't wait for me to get up; he just carries me. and sometimes, he carries me for no reason at all.

second, he has taken the habit of burrowing his face into my breasts, neck or whatever body part is nearest to him.

third, he likes rocking me back and forth now and saying "baby".

fourth, he doesn't pull back first when we hug anymore.

and lastly, he also has gotten into the habit of giving me little kisses on the forehead and on my nose.

hmmmm....

tonight was experiment night. some things, i've never done before. monday night, he was asking me about my weaknesses and such. then he asked me:

"kung manliligaw ba ako sa iyo, matatagalan ba bago mo ako sagutin?"

hmmm....again.

~*~
there have been some questions in my head, of course. if i go through with this, that is if character c leaves character b... am i willing to go through a change of lifestyle for this relationship? am i really willing to relocate to another country just to make sure we have all the chances to make it work?

am still not sure.

i've never really gone that far for one relationship. but then again, am older now with an actual chance to be able to relocate. but still. im not really sure of i should do this.

he's leaving soon and i'll know by then what i have to do. if he chooses me, then i definitely have to find a way to justify moving to singapore before the year ends.

'course im scared. who wouldn't be?

but he makes me oh so happy. :D

Completion without satisfaction

2008-05-19T05:22:00.004+08:00

i have managed to start and finish my undergraduate thesis in 12 hours. how i actually managed the whole thing remains a mystery to me. i can only hope that whatever i wrote made sense. but then again, judging from the work of other people in my program; i don't think i did too badly. i thought i was the worst of the lot but at around 1 am this morning, i was talking to **** who was also doing her thesis. she told me she was stuck at 500 words. (my word count at that time was roughly 2 500 words or so. i needed around 1 500 more to be able to meet the minimum.)

i then realized that i was not the only one doing the flail dance. which was good to know.

at 3 am this morning, i finished my bloody thesis. fucking integration, migration and labor in the EU. for the ironic effect, it had a bible-theme to it coupled with a marxist framework. just so i could amuse myself. i hope people get the joke. if not, well. it's alright, i guess.

~*~
in other news, character c and i seem to be making some headway. this weekend was enlightening, actually. i think friday was the first time we had dinner and just dinner. he chose this obscure hole in the wall chinese restaurant near avenida. pinsec house, i think. of course, nothing like northpark (which happens to be one of my favorites). but delicious all the same. something he said at that point actually got to me.

him: ayaw mo sa ganito? di ka sanay?
me: *embarrassed smile*
him: di nga?
me: *more embarrassed smiling* ok lang, ok lang talaga
him: naku, dapat masanay ka na. mahilig ako sa mga ganito
me: *further reddening*

it's all these references to the future that are messing with my head. i think that he refers to our collective future more than i do. yes, that's a definite. what i really don't understand about this whole "relationship" that we have is the fact that even if i'm the one making nice pronouncements about how i feel, he's actually the one planning out the whole future ahead. which is strange. he cannot say he loves me BUT he can tell me about a future "us". it is all very strange to me. i've never been in a set up like this. and i don't think i want to be in it again.

though i don't want to force an answer out of him, soon would be nice. am actually trying to concentrate on assuring him that i'm here. that i'm not leaving anytime soon. i will leave eventually, of course. no use keeping his hopes up.

evetually, the conversation lead to a deadline. something that i both regret and want. i have this creeping sensation that i'm competing against an unknown, this character b whom i have never met nor seen pictures of. and i don't like having to compete with someone i can't gauge. i work well competing against something finite, can actually do well in that. but when it comes to character b, all i have are snippets of information. stuff such as:

1. she's some registered nurse practicing somewhere
2. she's going to canada to work, or similar
3. i vaguely remember a portion of her nouveau name (ang mean ko talaga)
4. she has a healthy sexual appetite and is more adventurous than i am since she goes for three ways and i cannot for the life of me...
5. she lives in pasig
6. her mom is from ilocos, or similar northern province

ok, that's about all i know about her. of course, i could have tried sneakily looking over character c's phonebook. but what good would that do? she may not even be there. hell, i'm not there. anyways, i dread the deadline. i dread it. i am scared that after all my efforts; character c will choose character b and i will be left with my misery. and if there's one thing i cannot stand at this point, it is loosing to someone like character b. someone that hasn't been as good as i have been for character c.

of course, i cannot possibly understand the dilemma character c is in. simply because of the lack of facts to paint such a dilemma. in any case, in six months i would have likely forgotten the whole point of this blog entry. which is not to say, i won't recall it if i urge my memory to.

today though, i have this urge to run away from everything. i have this urge not to answer anyone's calls or messages. maybe this is despair at its finest. maybe this is my way of coming to terms with what i cannot have and giving up. am not really sure.

but really. in all blunt honesty. i am giving up. i just can't take this shite. goddammit. i just can't. sure, i am neurotic as hell. and i have my moods. but sometimes, even the foulest of moods cannot equal that silent pain.

my god. it's back. that silent cold pain through the heart. i think i've talked about it before. and now, it's back. though not as intense as before, it's back.

i give up. i will not take this sitting down. i run.

general discontent

2008-05-18T00:56:00.002+08:00

here i am. i just got home from seeing him. and i feel like i'm flinging myself at him.

pakiramdam ko, pinagpipilitan ko lang sarili ko sa kanya.

how much more do i have to give, before i finally break? how much time do you need, character c? how much time before you get over yourself and admit why:

1. you go crazy jealous with the thought of me getting it on/going out with someone else
2. you sneak out of the house and give your mom excuses just to see me
3. you want me to move to the country you're moving to
4. you want to have a kid/s with me
5. you told your mother about me (and the pregnant story)

now, if these are not the actions of someone truly in love...i will never be able to tell what love is.

hard choices

2008-05-15T00:17:00.003+08:00

character a and i are over. i told him myself. i feel relieved. what bothers me is that character c is still weighing his options. he still loves her, goddammit.

why? why?

i might be seeing character c by friday and i want to be ready then.

even more disturbing. last monday, character c and i had a false alarm. early that morning, i was throwing up all over the staff house. he went white with concern but he couldn't really do much since everyone else was there. but i did see the look on his face. a baby is not what we need right now. we can't have a baby if he can't even goddamned decide if he wants to be with me or not. if he did get me pregnant at this point in time, i would rather not tell him. i wouldn't tell him and i'd run away. but of course, during the whole day that frantic messages were being exchanged (and we were beside each other...just not talking) while we were at the transport strike; i assured him that i would never hide the kid. that i'd let the kid have his last name. that i'd make sure he saw the kid and the kid knew that he was the dad. of course, i lied to him.

really, what was i supposed to do? tell him straight to his face that i think that if he can't even commit to the mother, i'm damn well sure he cannot commit to a kid. i couldn't and wouldn't hurt him that way. i couldn't really say: "i'm sorry, but i just don't see myself building a family with you because you're so goddamned clueless about your own bloody life." or "you can't get your act together. you can't even pick a girl friend. what makes you think you'd be a good dad?"

anyways, it was a false alarm. but god damn it and bloody hell. he told his mom. he fucking told his mom that i might be pregnant. given that he didn't say who the "girl" was, i don't think his mom has lots of options. me and her. practically the only two women in his life. i asked him why he didn't just tell his mother that i was the girl. and now, he will tell her. and not sure if i feel better now.

i just want us to be normal. i don't want to be kept hanging. how much more do i have to wait before he says that he cannot be without me. the question is: will he say that at all? or will he say that he has decided to be with her?

of course i really can't do much here. i've said all there is to say. and if he can't get it into his bloody head that with all due respect, i've been doing a better job at being a girlfriend than her...well, he can just go fuck himself. in the literal and symbolic sense.

if he still can't make a bloody decision by the time he leaves for singapore, i'm calling it quits. by god, i'm calling it quits.

and jesus h. christ. by quits, i really do mean quits.

Emotional

2008-05-11T16:08:00.002+08:00

To You Who is Forever Away
Raph Doval-Santos

Forgive me, forgive me -
already the days are numbered, marked and measured
when you are here in Manila;
tomorrow, you will leave me again,
away to that distant shore of my dreams,
jagged as dashed rapids are jagged,
crashing on a cliff.

It is in dreams now I find you,
in a place where no phone numbers can be reached as dialed
or no letters can be read in our wordless language of waiting.
Tomorrow you will leave again,
and I will watch the sky for signs of you.
I stay and watch my face grow old,
ever nearing a future where you're not here.

Yet, I tell you,
at every hour, every second,
at every single moment you spend leaving me,
I am here, still waiting for you.
And for all that time, I will stay,
'till the day comes when I will find you, chase you down
to where the moon can't swim from these shores and drown.

320

2008-05-10T18:19:00.003+08:00

Last night, character c was in my arms again. this scene was preceded by me frantically texting him after his bout of jealousy over character d. i was shocked into reality when he declared that he was leaving character b. i was shocked because he never mentioned this before. and in a fit of frustration, he just had to tell me.

could this be? that after all this time, character c and i will finally, finally be together (with no one else in the equation)? can you blame me for being shocked? for not really getting his point immediately.

we had dinner last night and he gave me my birthday gift

waking up

2008-05-03T14:36:00.002+08:00

"when the ice gives in beneath you
it changes how you dream"
-John Gorka
"Temporary Road"

It's true. when all is said done, all i have left to do is adapt. i have finally deleted all his messages in my inbox as well as his home and mobile number in my phone book. i am quite happy that we have not been together that long for me to be able to memorize either numbers. i feel better now. better than last night, at least. am going out with my friends tonight and i will make an effort not to mention everything that has happened lately. i don't want to start talking about it because if i do, i'll monopolize the whole conversation. therefore, i will not talk about characters a, c and d tonight. i want to catch up with my friends. i want to hear about what they have been up to.

i will be alright. i can do this. i've moved on before and i can move on now.

but jesus h. christ, why has it to be so goddamned hard?

i miss you, character c. but sadly, the shit you give me isn't what i need now or at any point in my life. i refuse to be your doormat. i refuse to validate you when the whole world walks out on you. i refuse to hold and comfort you when SHE can't do it because she has no time for you. i refuse to just give you my heart just because for the time being, you can't have hers. and then, you forget all about me when you're with her. i have better things to do with my life. and i will forget you. by god, i will forget you.

i have no regrets that i told you last night that i would wish you dead if you ever hurt me again.

makulimlim

2008-05-03T00:04:00.003+08:00

I'm Dying, Dying to wake up without you, without you in my head again
I'm Dying, Dying to forget about you, that you ever lived
There's a shade come over this heart that's coping with laying down to rest
I'm Dying to live without you again

I'm Dying, Dying to find a distraction, get you away from me
I'm Dying, Dying to reach a conclusion, so that the world can see
It's the same old story of love and glory that broke before it bent
I'm Dying to live without you again

The first time you left I said goodbye
Now there's not a prayer that can survive

Dying, Dying to die just to come back so we can meet again
Dying, Dying to say what I always should have said
It's a strange emotion this but there's still hope in this
As long as there's a breath...
I'm Dying and I can't live without you again

It's a strange emotion this but there's still hope in this
As long as there's a breath...

I'm Dying and I can't live without you
I'm Dying and I can't live without you again

~*~
bakit ganon? ngayon na nakuha ko na talaga ang gusto ko (ma-abswelto), hindi pa rin ako masaya? pero hindi ko na dapat tinatanong sa sarili ko yan. alam ko naman talaga kung bakit hindi ako masaya. kasi alam ko, kahit na mayroon pa rin ako makukuha sa kanya... hindi talaga siya sa akin. alam ko na sa kabila ng lahat ng pinakita ko't ibinigay, hindi naman talaga ako ang mahal niya. hindi naman talaga ako ang pipiliin niya. kailangan ko nang kilalalanin ang malaking posibilidad na ginagamit lang niya ako. na sa ilalim ng lahat ng nangyari, hindi ako ang mahalaga sa kanya. hindi ako ang gusto niyang kasama. kasi kitang kita ko naman yun. kaya shempre naman, nung sinabi niya sa akin kanina na adun nanaman siya sa bahay ng girlfriend nya (pagkatapos namin magkita kaninang umaga); nasaktan ako. granted, hindi ito yung: nahihilo ako't ikakamatay ko ang sakit type of pain...but still. no one likes to get hurt, diba? so ayun, nasaktan nanaman ako. i have this feeling that i should delete all his messages and his number from my phone. para naman sa loob-loob ko, nagantihan ko naman siya kahit papano. pero what good would that do? pag nalaman ko rin naman na siya yung nagtext, sasagutin ko rin naman eh. malungkot talaga ako ngayon. i feel all hollow.

ito pa ang isang nangyari sa araw ko. nakipagkita ako sa isang kaibigan na nagpaparamdam na gusto niya ako. lagi ko na lang siya di pinapansin, kaya naman dahil naudlot ang "happy time" namin ni character c, ayun. pinuntahan ko si character d sa kanila. hindi ko talaga siya gusto. kaso, bad trip nga ako sa umaga namin ni character c. nagpaunlak ako.

at kahit naman dapat maging masaya ako dahil nakadalawa ako sa isang araw. (i am the bomb!) hindi talaga ako masaya. i haven't been this low since... last year. and i'm not even sure what my issue was last year. still, i haven't hit rock bottom. kaso, i think i may well be on my way.

shet.

gusto ka na talagang maging maligaya. saan ba ako makakahanap ng maayos na kausap, may panindigan, magaling sa sex at higit sa lahat, mahal ako? :c pakiramdam ko, kapag natapos na ang lahat ng ito (kay characters a, c at d), hindi na talaga muna ako tatanggap ng kahit anong porma ng pakikipag-relasyon. nahihirapan na kasi ako. baka kailangan ko lang magpahinga.

at putang ina, ayoko nang nasasaktan. ayoko ng bigay lang ako ng bigay. putang ina, buburahin ko na number niya.

the storm has settled

2008-05-01T01:55:00.002+08:00

yes, my friends. the storm has passed. and unlike most endings, this one gave me a realization. it's never over. he has come back.

what's strange is i'm ready to loose him all over again.

the aftermath, once more

2008-04-29T16:49:00.003+08:00

fine. so now, that small part of the population of this country who have the right to know about us DO know about us...to a certain extent. but i hope it never comes to the point wherein the most intimate details of my relationship with character C will have to be examined.

i was very frustrated with him for saying things he shouldn't have said AND recounting things that DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING HAPPEN. what will he say next? that we slept together? god. at the rate he's going, i don't think i'll still wait around to see what happens next. in my opinion: TANG INA MO, WALA KA NA BABALIKAN!

hay. =c

~*~
i know for a fact that what happened was wrong. i will not go on and justify what happened. but for the fucking love of god...can't he just stick to what we agreed we'd say?! i know that people are pressuring him to spill the beans. but people around us are pressuring me too. but do i spill my beans? no. do i say something outside what was agreed? no. jesusfuckinglord. it's a simple statement. a simple fucking statement confirming what HAS happened and denying what can both get us into deeper shit than we can possibly handle. my god. doesn't he have any brain cells left in him? given that i've long acknowledged that he has little to no spine, but brain cells too? and he wants to be a fucking doctor? jesus h. christ.

~*~
breathe.

~*~
i don't want to be mad at him. i don't want to be bitter. i don't want to be any of these things because i brought this upon myself. and sometimes, i delude myself into thinking that despite everything that has happened; i love him. that's the only logical explanation to my putting up with all of this. this whole thing has taken a toll on me. and i do, i do want this to end.

still, he keeps me hanging. hay.

~*~
and before i forget. i remember your flight today, daddy.

the end of an affair

2008-04-27T00:57:00.004+08:00

"hello pain, you're home again
i missed your acid smile again
i never dreamed you'd come back..."

hurt like hell, but it was worth the while. though i will have trouble explaining myself later, i will be alright. yes, it hurts. it fucking hurts. but it's nothing i can't live though. i guess from the very start, it was bound to end. at the back of my head, i kept wishing that things would turn out for the better. but no, i really has to be this way. i know that he's right. for once, he's done something right. but of course, it can't help feel wrong. i know this, for anything that hurts you will always feel wrong.

i didn't write this on my rage blog because...well, i'm not stark raving mad. i'm hurt, but i'm not mad at him for leaving me. i don't think i have to be. he left because he knew what we had was wrong and hurtful for other people. he left because he finally grew a spine. and i can't really be mad at him for doing that, can i? i can actually understand his bloody point. he really does have to fix his life before we can get a move on ours. and i appreciate that he never did point his finger at me and say, "you fix your bloody life too, goddammit!" he never did hold me accountable for anything. which i think is pretty nice.

*sigh*

must learn to live without him now. him and the great "stuff".

goodbye, it was worth all the trouble.

delusion

2008-04-21T23:14:00.003+08:00

how many times do we have to tell ourselves that we don't have a relationship before we give up and admit that we do have one?

i need you to tell me yourself. that i'm not just some other girl you're fucking with.

but even if that were the case, i have no complaints nor regrets. :D

~*~
me: maghahanap na ako ng iba...
him: iiwan mo na ako?
me: hindi mo naman ako hahanapin...
him: hahanapin din.

seriously.

2008-04-21T00:35:00.002+08:00

"Cos little by little
We gave you everything
You ever dreamed of
Little by little
The wheels of your life
Have slowly fallen off
Little by little
You have to give it all in all your life
And all the time I just ask myself why
You're really here"

there are just some relationships that are too easy. my greatest concern however, is how i will cope once he has gone.

thursday night, was the best i ever had.

i keep on having to remind myself that this thing we're having is so fleeting. but every time i tell myself that, i try harder to make every moment with him count. but we still argue, i think. but the thing is, even our arguing never gets anywhere. the only thing that gets anywhere in this relationship are our passions.

i think the most problematic part of the whole set up is, he cannot and will not come to terms about what he feels. i think he doesn't want to. he likes hearing me say what i feel, but he never opens up. thus, i have resolved to stop telling him how i feel. i cannot take this anymore. i can't let myself become the source of another person's smugness. it is actually emotionally debilitating to never be assured of his affections.

~*~
we were at the hospital today. my cousin was there too. and he said that i should see what's in front of me: kami nga.

okay, okay.

2008-04-17T08:21:00.002+08:00

"all i really want to say
you're the reason i want to stay
but destiny is calling...
don't change, your plans for me..."

we've been talking. and we have discovered a facet of our sexual desires...he likes getting hurt, i like hurting others. hahaha. we're going at it again later, to see where all this leads. and if we never get anywhere plausible in the future, i will be happy we had these moments.

sabi ko naman sa iyo, hindi ako takot mawalan. hindi ako takot, pakawalan ka.

we both belong to different people. that being said, even from the very beginning...this affair was doomed to fail. and yet, the most beautiful things are those things which are doomed. i read that somewhere, but i can't find it now. anyways, i'm pretty happy about our status. i think the moment i liked you best so far was when i toasted to us: "para sa mga hindi mabubuking!"

hahahaha. i will thank you, someday. thank you properly.

ice packs/rm 4

2008-04-16T00:44:00.003+08:00

when i said yesterday that we were getting somewhere, i didn't think that we'd move ever so quickly. character C invited me to have a drink with his friends last night. i obliged and subsequently got lost on my way to the place. his friends were asking about our status, etc. and i have to say this: i answered as truthfully as i could. towards the end of the evening, one of his friends suggested that we kiss in front of everyone. we couldn't really say that we haven't done that yet.

our first kiss happened at a vietnamese restaurant, in front of all his friends. if only they knew.

the look on his face after was priceless and i can't get it out of my head.

needless to say, we went home together; fucked around and now i have an ice pack on my neck.

hay.

as things escalate

2008-04-14T10:51:00.002+08:00

watching a film about married life last night, we had a breakthrough. we talked about said breakthrough. said breakthrough was a physical one. so there. at first he was telling me he was not ready, he's been hurt...all that jazz. but this morning, things escalate as he tells me that we should keep things under wraps until the "proper time".

ohmyfuckingjesuslord.

it.is.going.somewhere.

i don't know whether i should be glad or if should run away as fast as i can.

here i am world! and i am getting what i want again!

*cringe*

but then again, he is good at being discreet...so no worries on that aspect.

today

2008-04-12T21:53:00.003+08:00

well. it looks like we're headed somewhere. and that somewhere is not really some place i'd like to see for myself.

dizzy

2008-04-11T00:04:00.003+08:00

my yellow handbag being carried. a hospital. an elephant. a head on a shoulder.

and the choices we make between conversations.
~*~
i know. i've told myself to let go. i've convinced myself that even if i can get what i want without making myself look bad, i will still not go and get what i want. i know that even if people think that i have done nothing wrong, i will know deep in my heart that i did; in fact, do something wrong. something hurtful.

and i've chosen to let him go. it's the only way for now.

and it is exactly, exactly how i feel. i'm letting you go now. you were the easier route, i know. the convenient route. i've asked myself if i'm settling by doing this, why i try so hard at one relationship when something easier and better is right within reach. i keep asking myself if i really should let you go. but you said so yourself, you do want to go.

flicker

2008-04-05T21:28:00.004+08:00

lately, i've been far too busy to write anything on my blogs as well as write for other people...it sounds pretentious, but that's the bible truth. if i were to describe my personal life these past few weeks, i would have to say: humid and stormy. and if i had to describe my so-called academic life, i would have to say: falling apart.
amidst everything, i would also have to admit that i've allowed myself to have secret thoughts. these thoughts were not personal longings. rather, these were thoughts about reversing certain situations. long ago, i said on this blog (and on other blogs now that we're talking about it) that i have always had an inclination towards infidelity. it's not that i actually promote it, it's just that i always, always tend to do it. my reasons for doing so rarely matter, and most times these do not quantify as valid reasons. it has ranged from being sick and tired of le ole boyfriend to being left alone for a weekend. and there were times when i had no other reasons except that i just had to.
for most part of my life with richard, i have been faithful. when i say "for the most part", i do mean it. but i do have to admit that there have been certain characters and situations in the course of our story that do spell out infidelity on my part. but then again, what he will never find out will never come back again to haunt us. might haunt me, but never us.
this caveat in place, i will have to admit the content of these past few weeks' secret thoughts. a certain character C has taken a rather prominent role in my life. it wasn't a matter of need as of proximity. when you're with a certain person everyday, to such an extent as eating all meals together and sleeping in the same house with other people; one cannot help but feel close to that person. to my credit, i have tried to remain platonic with him, for everyone's sake. but sometimes, things are really out of one's hands. yes, i can say that i did help things/feelings go their natural course but not as much as i could have. the thing is, for the past weeks; i've been entertaining thoughts about ditching richard for C. but unlike my previous infidelities, i actually had a valid reason for this one! haha. i figured that i'd had enough struggling with my family to accept richard. instead of the daily struggle, i will now acquire a life partner whom they will accept. and these secret thoughts were not helped by C showing equal unabashed interest.
nevertheless, i resisted these thoughts with gallant efforts equal only to those knights fighting off the moors during the crusades. so far, i have kept these thoughts at bay. and thankfully, they have not been translated into action.
but what if, in an unguarded moment...i blurt them out to C?
no good will come out of it, i am sure. experience had taught me that relationships born out of infidelity almost never succeed, and if they do...they will forever be haunted by mistrust.

considering everything

2008-03-17T02:32:00.002+08:00

the fact is, the only reason i'm pushing through with my trip to poland is my dire need for space. i need so much space that i have to hop on a 30 hour flight to get it. my mother has gone through my cabinets and found a pregnancy test kit thingy. she tells me she didn't do this intentionally...but why was she looking for the laptop in one of my cabinets thingies where it couldn't have fit? and if it was open (and i guess it was since i never lock the thing), how did she happen to "accidentally" look into it and discover a pregnancy test that was located in a not-so-accessible/not-so-obvious part of the cabinet?

i am baffled. truly baffled.

i was thinking about writing about this on my "rage" blog, but that wouldn't give this event justice. im just sick of not being able decide whether i like living with my mother or not. she's not very strict per se. but she can be really, really, really pushy. i know that i haven't been like her at all. and i know that i will never be near her personality, ever. but she has to stop insisting that she isn't comparing her twenty-ish self to me while constantly measuring me up with her moral meter. i've had enough of guilt trips. i've had enough "i stood by you but what did you do to repay me?" speeches.

and what sucks the most is, I DIDN'T EVEN REALLY DO ANYTHING!

while i would have stood by and taken the shit if i actually did something, this time round...i can honestly say that i really didn't do anything. sure i went out, but i texted way ahead of time. and that was all i did.

everything that has happened today makes me sorely tempted to just leave this house. i cannot stand this anymore. i just can't. she doesn't know what kind of pressure i am in right now. she doesn't understand that i'm fighting to get my semester over and done with right.

and i have a feeling that if i told her, she wouldn't really understand since she's never had trouble in school.

~*~
my god. i sound like a whiny teenager! sometimes, i can't be so mature when i'm being treated like a teenager.

hopefully, when i wake up later, i will be calmer. i might just slit my wrists if im not.

joke lang.
~*~
in other news...

pwede ko naman sabihing, 3 and 1/2 subejcts to go na lang! tapos na ang sem na ito! yehey! ^__^

Asiong, kamusta ka na?

2008-01-16T00:28:00.000+08:00

natututuwa talaga ako sa blog na ito. wala kasi masyado nakaaalam na meron pala akong blogspot. palibhasa, ang pinangangalandakan ko parati ay ang livejournal ko. ok lang naman sa akin na walang comments sa blog na ito, kasi hindi naman dapat kalat na kalat sa sangkatauhan na andito nga ito.

pakshet. paano ko ba sisimulan 'to?

gaya ng karamihan ng tema ng mga nakasulat sa blog na ito, pag-ibig nanaman ang gusto kong i-discuss. hindi ko alam kung kung bakit tuwing naiisipan kong magsulat dito, naka-love mode ako. marahil, nakasanayan ko lang na pang love mode ito. nagsimula naman ang blog na ito dahil na-in love ako sa isang taong hindi ako pinahalagahan. kung mababasa niya ito (at may hinala akong mababasa niya ito dahil bukod sa may pagka-stalker siya ay isa siya sa tatlong taong alam na narito ang blog na ito) malamang sa malamang ay mag-protesta siya. sasabihin niya sa akin na mali ako, na nagkaroon naman ako ng halaga sa kanya at kung anu-ano pang chorva. pero kahit ano pa ang sabihin niya, may dalawang tumataginting na katotohanang hindi niya mapagkakaila. una, kahit kailan hindi niya ako minahal. pangalawa, naging napakadali para sa kanya na iwan ako. ay, may pangatlo pa pala. pangatlo, nasaktan ako ng todo ng tarantadong yun. kung iniisip mo na bitter pa ako sa mga nangyari noon, hindi naman. pero hindi ko mapagkakaila na paminsan-minsan (tulad ngayon), naiisip ko siya. pag naiisip ko siya, may dalawang bagay na maaring mangyari. una, may isang pamilyar, malamig at maliit na saksak na tumatagos sa puso ko. natitigilan ako kapag nangyayari yun. pangalawa, napapakunot ako ng noo sabay mura. hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit kahit na 2008 na ay may epekto pa sa akin ang mga bagay na nangyari noong 2005. siguro mahirap lang talaga makabangon kapag tinabunan ka ng kumunoy. aaminin ko, naiisip ko pa rin kung ano pa kaya ang nangyari kung nag-iba ang tingin niya sa akin o kaya naman kung hindi ko nakilala ang karelasyon ko ngayon. hindi naman sa mahal ko pa rin ang taong yun (tawagin natin siyang Asiong, inaksaya kasi niya ang pag-ibig ko....hayup!). hindi naman dahil may tunay akong panghihinayang sa pinakawalan ko. hindi yun eh. siguro, namimiss ko lang talaga siya. iba din talaga kasi ang samahan namin. palagay ko, kahit na nangungulila ako kay Asiong ngayong gabi hindi ibig sabihin noon na pag-gising ko bukas, proproblemahin ko pa siya. palagay ko, para ngayong gabi lang talaga ang pakiramdam ko.

kaya eto...

~*~
Mahal kong Asiong,
Kamusta ka na nga ba talaga? Marami akong nababasang pira-piraso tungkol sa iyo kung minsan kung dumadaan ako sa blog mo. Pilit kong ipinagkakabit-kabit ang mga pira-pirasong iyon para naman magkaroon ako ng ideya kung kamusta ka na nga ba talaga. Pero gaya ng maraming bagay na sinubukan kong kasama ka, hindi ako gaano nagtatagumpay. Hindi ko talaga alam kung kamusta ka na nga ba talaga, kung masaya ka ba o kung kinakaya mo pa ang mga palo ng buhay sa iyo. Pero gaya ng nakasanayan ko na, pilit kong sinusubukang humiling ng walang hanggang biyaya para sa iyo. Sinasabi ko rito na pilit kong sinusubukan dahil hanggang ngayon, hindi ko pa rin talaga maaring sabihin na talagang napatawad na kita. Pasensya ka na ha? Alam ko, inaasahan mong nakalimutan ko na ang usaping ito. Sa isang banda, nakalimutan na nga ito ng isip ko sa maraming paraan. Pero ang puso, madalas ay nahihirapang makalimot at magpatawad. Tuwing may nakikita akong gitara o pag nadadaan ako ng Tomas Morato o kaya naman kapag nanonood ako ng sine sa Gateway, hindi ko talaga mapigilan. May kumikirot pa rin sa aking puso. Ayaw ko naman talaga mangyari yun, pero parati talagang nangyayari. Hindi kita gusto guluhin, kaya nga dito na lang ako nagsusulat. Nais ko lang talaga maglabas ng sama ng loob. Alam mo, masakit talaga yung ginawa mo. Marami kang nagawa't nasabi pero sa madaling salita, ginamit mo lang talaga ako. Inabuso mo lang ang pagmamahal ko sa iyo. Wala na rin naman akong magagawa, pero gusto kong malaman mo ito. Kahit halos tatlong taon na ang nakalipas, kahit na nakahanap na ako ng magmamahal sa akin; putang ina mo hindi pa rin kita napapatawad talaga. Ngayon ko lang inamin sa sarili ko ito talaga dahil pilit kong ipinapakita sa mundo na mabait ako at mapagpatawad. Pero mahirap maging mabait kapag katulad mong tarandato ang pinag-uusapan. Pasensya ka na't hanggang ngayon may kinikimkim pa rin akong galit sa iyo. Marahil, kapag nabasa mo ito magugulat ka't magagalit rin sa akin. Sa usaping iyon, wala akong pakialam. May sarili ka namang blog, dun ka magngingit sa galit. Pero alam mo, kahit galit ako sa iyo, hinahanap-hanap din kitang gago ka. Hindi ko alam kung bakit. Matagal ka nang wala sa buhay ko. Pero dahil pakalat-kalat pa rin ako sa mga lugar kung saan tayo naglalagi noon, naalala kita parati. Baka ganoon lang talaga. Kailangan ko lang ng "change of scenery" ika nga ng iba. Kahit na nangungulila ako sa iyo, ayaw ko namang imbitahin kang bumalik sa buhay ko. Ito ay isang masakit na kabalintunaan. Ayaw ko nang bumalik ka pa sa buhay ko dahil wala akong tiwala sa iyo. Alam kong sasaktan mo lang ako ulit. Sana balang araw, maintindihan mo ito: may mga bagay na kapag nasira mo na, hindi mo na maayos at hindi mo na maaring palitan. Wala ka nang magagawa upang maibalik ang mga bagay na pinakawalan mo. Tulad ko, wala ka nang magagawa para bumalik pa ako sa iyo. Hindi lang dahil ayoko na, pero dahil alam kong hindi ko na kaya.

Asiong, sana maging tunay kang masaya. Masaya rin naman ako at alam kong mas magiging masaya ako kapag tuluyan ko nang nalimutan ang kawalanghiyaang ginawa mo sa akin.
~*~

after the storm

2007-09-20T00:32:00.000+08:00

it's been two years since i last wrote in this blog. and i guess it's time i wrote in it again. the reasons why i stopped writing here are long gone and forgotten. rather, he is long gone and forgotten. so here i am again, writing here in the midst of my academic hell week. somehow, i always get the time to write on my blogs when i least have the time.

welcome back, blog. we've been through so much.

the river runs forth

2005-08-12T12:22:00.000+08:00

the river has sprung free.

and this blog will never be updated again.

undecided

2005-08-10T10:11:00.000+08:00

there is a river that runs deep in the heart of the earth. for centuries it has been happy in the cool bed rock. but today the river has changed its mind and changed its course. it wishes to be one with the sea, the sea out there.
the earth will not set the river free. the river pounds and pounds on the earth's crust. it cries out desperately: "set me free! i want to see the surface for myself!"
but the earth remains silent, stubborn and unyielding. it will not let the river go for secretly, it hoped that the river would flow within it forever.
but the river only wishes to be free.

the river weeps as it pounds continously on the earth. it weeps for chances it lost. it weeps for the sea that it has not seen. and it weeps because secretly, it does not want to live without the captivity. it does not want to be without the earth.

toss coin

2005-08-05T10:34:00.000+08:00

and you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
or the moment the truth in you lies
when everything feels like the movies
yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive

when everything's made to be broken
i just want you to know who i am...

-iris, goo goo dolls

it's been a while since i've taken a breather. and all my efforts feel so futile. my relationships always go to hell and well, apparently my degree wants to take that ride with it. which would be alright if i hadn't tried to hard to keep things in check. i haven't felt well in weeks. i've been swinging from "im getting well but not yet" to "oh god, im so fucking sick". maybe it's because i have been so stressed lately. and there's no point in convincing myself otherwise.

i keep on thinking. just thinking. i keep on analyzing my life. and most of all, i keep on trying to make a decision that i don't want to make but have to. i feel trapped. i feel like i have to put on a face that im happy. the mere fact that im posting this here and not on my LJ (where i have i think more than 70 friends) suggests that i don't want to make my helplesness common knowledge. maybe because i've always been too proud to admit that i am a helpless little girl. that im on the losing side of things today. and that i need someone to hug.

i want to toss a coin. to see if i should still do this or not. it's been hard holding back all these months.

delubyo

2005-07-31T02:15:00.000+08:00

ito na. ito na ang hinihintay ko.
ito na ang delubyo.

mananatili akong nakatayo hanggang matangay sa wakas.

at sa wakas, mamamatay ako.

stiff

2005-07-30T00:11:00.000+08:00

it's so hard when life smacks back at you. this afternoon, i was talking to my team mate. nothing much, actually. general things that most people know bits and pieces of. then, as i was making my exit to rush to enta...i told her: "i still love him." i smiled my ass off, but as i was walking back to RMT, i kept on crying.

i want to run away. run till i don't see anything that reminds me of you. run till my lungs burst out. i just don't want to admit defeat because i always thought that no matter what, i would win this fight. that i'd get over this. but too many things remind me of you. and i still have that urge to call you up/ask you for a hug/whine to you when things upset me. it's just that this time around, i fight that urge with all my might. this time around, i can't depend on you for support.

because you're gone. and because you never wanted to be here, with me.

~*~
and to YOU. thank you for never asking me to give what you knew was beyond me. thank you for giving me enough space to move around and grow. and thank you for being so unlike him.

~*~
super bad day today. i want to be hugged. but im alone in this house.

procastination

2005-07-27T00:16:00.000+08:00

i've been procastinating about too many things. im less than 48 hours away from my history of political theory mid terms and i haven't actually studied. im close to having a decent relationship with ****, but i've been putting it off for weeks now. and it doesn't help that i have too many farking things to do and i don't want to move at all. i just want to sit somewhere and stare at stuff. i want to fall asleep. just fall asleep. or maybe ask myself questions till nothing makes sense anymore. but i hafta study. i really need to study.

i keep on telling myself that i can't possibly fall in love because im tired of loving. but i know that somehow, little by little...my heart is giving way. when in gives way completely, i'll be dead by then.

kung mamatay ako

2005-07-25T00:13:00.000+08:00

parang gusto kong magpakamatay.

in church this morning, i heard about a fifth grade student who tried to commit suicide by jumping off his school building. it was very disturbing. what is more disturbing (for me, at least) is that when i look back, i also attempted suicide when i was in fifth grade. although, i was a sissy and i just drank lysol and baygon.

but still.

it's disturbing nonetheless.

im at a point in my life where i can't see anything clearly anymore on a more personal level. and it's depressing. i feel that i've lost whatever cloak of goodness i had about me. im so tired. im so fucking tired.

but at least now i know that it is possible for someone to suck the life out of you. funny how it has happened to me several times before (but not quite like this) and i still thought that all the life i had in me would stay dancing.

well. apparently, whatever notions i've had of myself aren't true at all. i am not an overflowing well of happiness and optimism. i cannot love and just love. i cannot forgive. and neither can i forget anything. and im not as strong as i seem.

im weak. and today, i whither and surrender.

masakit lang talaga, masakit.

song in my head...

2005-07-19T02:16:00.000+08:00

suspension

Lately I’m alright
And lately I’m not scared
I figured out, that what you do to me
Feels like, I’m floating on air

I don’t need to know right now
All I know is, I believe
In the very thing that got us here
And now I can't leave

Say anything, but, say what you mean
Cause I’m caught in suspension

Now, I’m wanting this for sure
And I’ll beg for nothing more
I’ll plan all day and drive all night
You’ll love what’s in store

I cant seem to stop this now
Even if it's not so clear
And I'll take what I can get
If you want me here (If you want me here)

Say anything
But, say what you mean
When you whisper you want this
Your eyes tell the same
We are gaining speed
I can barely breathe
Cause I’m caught in suspension

It’s enough for me to get excited
Is enough for me to feel well
Whoa, whoa... whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa

Say anything
But, say what you mean
When you whisper you want this
(Your eyes tell the same)
We are gaining speed (Suspension)
I can barely breathe (Oh, I can barely breathe)
Cause I’m caught in suspension (Suspension)
I’m caught in suspension

Say anything (Say Anything, Suspension)
But, say what you mean (Oh, I can barely breathe)
I’m caught in suspension (Suspension)
I’m caught in suspension
We are gaining speed (Suspension)
I can barely breathe (Oh, I can barely breathe)
Cause I’m caught in suspension (Suspension)
I’m caught in suspension

Say anything (Say Anything, Suspension)
But say what you mean (Oh, I can barely breathe)
I’m caught in suspension

~*~
i should get a copy of this song sometime. TIME. if only i had more time on my hands. i feel that the universe is conspiring so that i'd be forced to grow up, finally. i was talking to one of my oldest college friends earlier and we both agreed that life has made us grow up before our time. we experienced things way ahaed of our time. and now, we're grovelling. we're desperately trying to hang on to the little peter pan experiences that we had.

i think im having senior's syndrome THIS farking early. im beginning to appreciate cameras and camwhoring. im beginning to see the changes ateneo has gone through. the changes me and my blockmates have gone through. the new faces in the pub room. everything.

and for the first time in my life, im actually sad that i lived/live with such rapidity. i changed loves, perpectives, clothing preferences, hair styles, orgs, commitments without hesitation. i believed in change, in trying out everything. i believed that i had all the time in the world.

now i just wish i could be at a stand still. everything goes by so fast.
~*~
lifemeter:

people i called the love of my life:1
people i have loved: 3
boyfriends: 8
girlfriends: 2
relationships: 14
broken hearts: 2
instances of excruciating pain: 1
chances at taking drugs: more than i can count
cigarettes smoked: more than 700 sticks, i think
bottles of beer consumed: more than 200
bottles of vodka consumed: approx. 25
tequila shots: about 25
friends: 100
best friends: 5
enemies: 1
regrets: 0

imagined freedoms

2005-07-08T16:21:00.000+08:00

in light with the political turmoil our country has been going through, i have found myself wondering if the Philippines would ever have a break. i think that i have seen the best and the worst of situations in the Philippines (having been part of a relatively middle class family, being private school bred, having spent time in urban and rural poor communities, going from reservist of the AFP to UG activist, going from Mendiola to Starbuck's) and i've always thought that the main problem was always the fragmented sense of nationalism that each Filipino has.

although i do believe that every Filipino, no matter how cynical he may be of our current political climate does want something better for this country, each one of us have defined for ourselves concepts of this nation without taking much consideration for the greater picture. and somehow, fraternal and fillial bonds hold much more hold on us as a people than the motherland's grasp.

and our president is not above all these. from day one, there has always been suspicion about her motives. and even if in EDSA 2 she seemed like the best alternative to Erap, her pronouncements and subsequent actions (declaring that she wouldn't run in the May polls THEN running anyway) suggest a clear void in her morals. how one person, a supposely intelligent and moral one; could easily be swayed to break promises is beyond me. moreso, how one who alledgedly has faith in the Filipino people and its capabilities should see it necessary to call up a COMELEC official for fear of fraud is odd.

her actions and words don't add up at all. and as someone who believes that the Philippines deserves a leader with integrity i feel sad that we have Mrs. Arroyo for a president. someone who has murdered and cheated millions of Filipinos, here and abroad through her Gestapo like measures deftly cloathed in reforms and laws with pretty words.

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hindi kailangan ng bansang ito ang pandurugas. hindi kailangan ng mga Pilipino ng isang pinunong yumuyurak sa kalayaan na nararapat lamang na matamasa sa ilalim ng democrasya. ngayon ang panahon upang mag-aklas. Pilipinas, gumising na.