3

in less than two hours, character and i will be celebrating 3 months of having a functional relationship. that being said, no one still knows that we are really together. although, when we are with other people, they way we act around each other screams couplehood. even if we don't hold hands in public, or at least when there are other people around... it is still very much obvious that we are together.

tomorrow. zoo. movies and lots of sweet things. will gush about it soon. hahahahha.

...

there are no catty remarks or witty phrases today

a picture will do.

improvements

my relationship with character c has been steadily improving. he's done with his work. we've been spending much more time together, and we've been talking more as of late. last night. we were walking th flooded streets of manila. character c had to carry me a number of times. it was reassuring and sweet. i felt like i was being taken care of. we had dinner at his house before hand. his family was warm as usual.

today, he surprised me by bringing me pizza at home.

i'll stop gushing now. :D

motivation, lack thereof

i think that even though am nearing getting my degree (time wise), i am in fact farther from it than when i started. i lack motivation to finish this semester. it's getting depressing. i have been home for four straight days and i'm pretty sure i didn't accomplish anything by staying at home. in fact, the only things i did while stay at home are: 1. sleep 2. interwebs and 3. smoke. i need to get out of this house.

i should get a move on and finish my degree. god. 6 fucking subjects to go and i can't even swing it. where have all my energies gone lately?

ok. so maybe i do know why i am like this. character a has been giving me a hard time. this has been the most emotionally draining 3 weeks of my life. i want this to end. only three months till i finish and i still can't get myself to do this. i've maxed out all my cuts on all my classes and i feel like i'm back in junior year when i was doing badly in everything except philosophy. i don't know who i should turn to for this. my mom will murder me when she finds out all about my little lack of motivation. murder will be putting it lightly.

i asked a friend of mine, **** about it. and he said that i was just plain lazy. kthanks for the pick me up. really now. gads. maybe i am just being lazy. but whatdapak am i supposed to do now? my academic life has become a cesspool of resentment. i have no idea where to go from here.

another friend, ** said that she thinks i won't graduate at all. which in fact started this whole lack of motivation thing. i know she means well. but telling your already down in the dumps friend that you think she won't graduate is a bit rich. bloody rich. a little consideration please.

to make matters worse, character c has been pushing me to graduate. i don't have the heart to tell him that his little "study hard, etc" reminders are in fact pushing me against the wall and not helping at all. now, i know that he loves me and he does mean well. but please. please. for the love of god. don't treat me like i;m in grade school.

hay.

pursed lips

as much as i wouldn't want to admit it. i have to. my relationship with character c lacks spice.

me and my mom

my mom and i have a rather complex relationship. she is the first and last person i run to when i'm in trouble. we talk about just about anything but we hardly see each other. i love hearing her stories, she loves hearing mine but we both don't know what each person actually does in a day.

confusing?

maybe. but i enjoy being with her. we just don't talk too much about jobs and such, i guess. i do know all the sordid details of her heartbreaks as she does mine. what am trying to say is. am grateful.

~*~
oh, character c's mom is getting headway into my life. or is it the other way around? am i getting headway into hers? i really, really like her. except for the fact that i feel she won't approve of my, uhm, lifestyle?

~*~
i miss character c, dammit.

secret smiles

"see that saucer of iodized salt?
if you can count the grains,
you'd know how much i love you."
-character c

am hopelessly in love with character c now. and the secret smiles we have grow in number.

masaya

tinatawag niya akong "mutya".
tinatawag ko siyang "sinta".

masaya ako.

may theme song na kami.

Ihaharap kita sa bandilang pula
Tanda ng aking di magmamaliw na sumpa
Sa iyo at sa pakikibaka

Pagmamahal pakaiingatan
Kagaya ng aking tanging pagpapahalaga
Sa iyo at sa pakikibaka

Hindi mag-iisa
'Pagkat laging magkasama
Ang ating pagsuyo'y
Bahagi ng iisa

Pagmamahal pakaiingatan
Kagaya ng aking tanging pagpapahalaga
Sa iyo at sa pakikibaka

Hindi mag-iisa
'Pagkat laging magkasama
Ang ating pagsuyo'y
Bahagi ng iisa

Ikuyom ang mga bala
Sa ating mga palad
Saksi ang mga masa
Sa ating paglalahad

Na hindi mag-iisa
At palaging magkasama
Ang ating pagsuyo'y
Bahagi ng iisa.

mukhang nagmamahalan na nga talaga kami.

100 days

The Quiet Conquest

Strange. I could have sworn
that i did not see you
enter my secret chambers
inching your way
through these dark caverns
with only the dying embers
of my fallen cigarette to guide you.

Surreal. I could have torn
that smirk off your face that was
edging slowly into a smile
impairing all defenses
that my fortress had
with only the searing looks
of my hidden eyes.

Surrender. I could have borne
these lonesome halls alone
ever denying the sound of you footfalls
imploring me to come hither
that you may do battle for me
with only a heart
of steel to wager.

Still. You could have scorned
these pitiable treasures you found
ending your quest for this heart
icily turning away from me
that my fortress become barren
with only my disbelief
of this chance left.

Sly. You could have left by morn
these threadbare embraces i give
eclipsing a dream that was beginning
in my heart, it dared take form
that these walls be shattered
with sweet confirmations
of what we are and were

functional

character c wriggled out of work and family responsibilities so we could be together last night. :D he brought me lots of food! am gushing. haha.

recently, character c confirmed my every suspicion. there has been no cooling off in this relationship. we're back to normal, or as normal as we can get. i think that last night was a testament to our couplehood. we spent more time talking, watching stuff and cuddling than having sex. which indicates that our relationship isn't just a carnal one. which is reassuring. it is a sign that we might have something for the long run.


tomorrow, we will celebrate the hundredth day since our first kiss. time passes quickly no matter the circumstance, it seems.

kissing a fool

you were far, when i could have been you star
you listened to people

character b viewed my profile in an unamed social networking site. so, i viewed her. and ohmyfuckinggod. she is fugly as hell! am regretting that i was ever insecure of her. with that face? my god.

wala naman pala siyang face.

i just can't believe i thought i had competition.

relationship blues

i've always been a free spirit. i go where i want to, when i want to. for some people, it may appear like i am a selfish brat. however, that is not the case. i have learned to pay for my mistakes, clean up my own shit and basically bite the bullet when need be. i have been like this for so long that i've somewhat developed my own kind of independence. i was raised to think for myself, to demand what is due me and take care of myself. am not used to being monitored, being told to go home at certain hour, being reminded to eat, etc, etc.

for me to get used to those things, i really do have to go through a life-changing turn around.

am not used to this.

character c is invading my space. contrary to popular belief, i am a private person. i control what i say to other people. i believe in projecting an image and how it is separate from my core being. it's not an issue of not being true to yourself. i was just brought up having a very clear sense of my public and personal life. it's not really a bad thing, is it?

i have to admit it. i'm really, really, really uncomfortable with the idea of character c keeping tabs on me. i feel like am talking to my dad, only worse. when my parents want to know where i am and if i'm even coming home, i get 3 questions maximum. character c just goes on and on. i know that he's the worry wart type and the jealous type but please. can't he just trust me and stop asking me where i am every 5 goddammed minutes? is just irritating and i feel like my own private space is being invaded.

i just don't get it.

for one thing, i don't blow my top when he fails to text me on time or at all. i take it as a fact of life. sure i worry but hey, shit happens. it's not a case of life and death at all. that's not it at all. but the way he blew his top last night, it felt as if i'd done something monumentally hurtful or deceitful or something of the same manner.

and all i did was not text him that i was home.

if he was so worried, i could have just called me at home.

goddammit. i need my space.

heal

am confused out of my wits. it has been a week of confusion. at first i was terribly hurt with character c calling for a cool off. then i realized, i did not even know what the bloody thing meant. i haven't had any cool offs in any of my other relationships. and i feel like it is too early to have one at this point. cool off after barely a month?

it doesn't make sense to me.

i guess in the back of my head, i know that we should be enjoying ourselves now.

i think that character c is getting used to me always giving him whatever the hell he wants. i've been thinking of changing my number of becoming unavailable all out once but i'm scared of hurting his fragile ego. i like complimenting character c because i feel that if he can't be secure with me, it will never work in the long run. it's something i didn't do with character a, actually. but that's a whole different story.

so, after a bout of crying; i was prepared to let character c slip me by. after all, i knew well enough that i could survive. not having character c in my life means less complications for the next six months, actually. and when i thought of it that way, i was (partially) glad to have gotten rid of him.

but no.

character c comes crawling back. stating that in truth, nothing was wrong with me. that he needs to fix his life...he loves me...blah, blah, blah. am skeptical. and a bit unfair. but i have license to be both. after all, character c has done lots of things which don't really bring out his better side. anyways, am still in a conundrum.

we're still "cool off" see? but then again, what does that mean? he's already in some hick town in bloody laguna, we haven't seen each other for more than a week, he doesn't call or email... he actually has all the "space" he needs. but when he does sms, he does it so excessively with all the "iloveyou's" that one may wonder "jesus h. christ, what cool off?"

and here lies my confusion. although tempers have already abated, my eyebrows are still raised. i still have half a mind to change my number. and leave him hanging for at least a day or seven.

~*~

in other news, time does heal all wounds. lately, i've been getting in touch with people that i wouldn't have touched with a ten foot pole 3 or four years before. ah yes, the internet. it amazes me everytime.

i tried

Last weekend, character c and i celebrated our first month as a couple. and it ended in disaster. We were doing fine till the sunday morning. that's when things began to get awry. he wasn't so up to having sex the whole time. but i figured it was because he was so tired from work. at around 6am, i was tired of being enthusiastic. a little dark green thought had formed in my head. maybe, he wasn't up for the challenge because he had had sex with character b again. mistakenly, i blurted this out.

and he was so mad.

i was relieved that before he left, he assured me that he wasn't mad at me anymore.

i was mistaken.

last night, character c has called for space. cool off. am not sure what it all means. he told me that i had hurt him, that i did not trust him enough. i kept on explaining and apologizing. i kept on tellling him that i only had a fleeting fit of jealousy. that it was unfounded and that i did not really believe he was cheating on me. i felt that we didn't need this cool off set up. that i didn't understand and that i was and am afraid of loosing him. i asked him if he still loved me. he said: "mahirap magmahal ng puro duda."

since sunday moring, he hasn't told me again that he loves me. i am in pain. i know that i hurt him, but did he really have to this? countless times he has hurt me and yet i kept on loving him. i'm not sure about what i should do. i feel so broken. i feel like i have been put aside. i don't know where all this is leading. i don't know how things blew up like this.

i have tried my hardest to undestand. i have given character c all the leeway i could ever give. and yet, here he is. what strikes me is how easy it is for him to let this go. and it is what gives me doubt and pain. i have always believed that if you love someone, you will do everything in you power for that someone to stay in your life. and here he is, pushing me away at the first sight of trouble.

i don't regret loving character c. i don't regret choosing him, convincing myself that we should be together. i cannot just up and go from all this. i cannot just call it quits. i am in pain but i am trying to understand. im trying my damnest to understand. i just wish he could see. that this is such a small issue. that it is not worth all the pain that he has inflicted upon both of us. and i just wish he will realize that i cannot wait forever. that i have had enough of waiting for him.
he broke my heart again.

fonder

"alone at last."

spent the weekend with character c. :D he bought me a banoffee pie! besides the over the top performance in the bedroom, character c is unbearingly sweet. two words: ketchup and glass. i think that i'm going to be happy for a really long while.

===

am supposed to go to Hong Kong tomorrow. I hope everything works out fine.

2 weeks

today character c and i celebrate two full weeks of coupledom. and while it may not seem like much to everyone else; i cannot explain how important it is to him and i. character c and i had to go through different stages of uneasiness and self doubt before we even took a real step forward towards becoming a couple. so, two weeks of being together is actually quite worth celebrating. i like having him around. and im happy.

he's back in manila by tomorrow. yey! :D

first week

it has been one week of couple blissfulness for me and character c. aside from the usual arguments, there have been no major issues to far. of course, it's far too early to say. :D

time

that's what we need. time to be together. since character c is now working, we've had close to no time at all to be able to bond. during the course of last week, we really had to make major adjustments. his mom/my mom and both our schedules are not the only considerations anymore. we now have to take into account that he will only be in close proximity during weekends. for the rest of the time, he will be at godforsaken alabang for work. and while am perfectly alright with him working, am really really finding it hard to adjust. given, i wasn't exactly ready for this. when we talked about this before, we had no definite relationship to consider. there were no "i love you's" exchanged between us. just me, making all those declarations. i know, i know; i was pretty le pathetique. but then again, i did feel that we were going somewhere and that he was actually giving me something to work with.

and look at us now.

we almost have a functional relationship.

i say almost because we're not quite out in the open. there is literally only a handful of people who actually know what the real score is. and by a handful, i do mean a handful. i am scared, actually. i'm scared that people will see me differently when everything is out and in the open. i'm scared that if we fail at this, people will just nod and brush it off.

character c is the closest i've been to a compromise between what i want and what my family expects. and now that we are finally getting somewhere, i feel as if the rest of the world won't be able to take the news.

more than time to be together, we need time to let things pass; let issues die down. it won't do us any good if we make our declarations now that everyone is emotional. i just want us to have a fair chance at a relationship. i just want us to be able to grow with each other.

and yes, i just want us to be left alone.

progress

this weekend was another one of those breakthrough weekends character c and i always seem to be having.

sa wakas, nasabi na niya na mahal niya ako at oo, kami nga.

finally, finally

character c has decided to leave character b.

him: hihiwalayan ko siya para mahalin ka.

i can't breathe. i can't breathe.
~*~
ok. i was half expecting this. but not really. i had more than half a mind this afternoon to really, forcefully call it quits with character c. i came upon this decision in fit of rage over his jealousy over this old friend of mine who just happened to be an old flame too. i was in a rage because i was oh so very confused. and i don't like being confused about anything. anyways, we were both in a rage after around 3 messages.

what was i supposed to do?

i just can't have him tell me over and over that i cannot see so and so persons, he is jealous of so and so...and more importantly, that i should stop smoking; if he cannot get himself to tell me that we do, we do have a bloody relationship.

so maybe i did play hardball with him. but i really couldn't help it. i just don't like constraints without labels, i guess. i'm fine with minimal labels, but none at all at this point seems simply absurd. no one tells me to stop smoking without trying at least to explain why they say so. or at least, i don't think he should have that much hold on me unless, unless he gets over himself and admits that what we do have is an honest to goodness relationship. am sorry, but i really don't have time or energy for vagueness right now.

in retrospect, i may have been too hard on character c. but then again, if i don't push him against the wall now, when will i start to get a move on with my charmed life? i've said this over and over, i don't like to be kept hanging. i hate uncertainty. especially uncertainties i can remedy. and this, my friends is certainly one of them. this is the type of problem that i can avoid, these are the types of questions i can live without if only character c just said whatever is running through his brain.

well, my efforts have paid off. he is leaving her. and that is that.
~*~
in other news, character a is becoming terribly assertive. he refuses. flat out refuses to give up on the carcass of our relationship with the hopes of reviving the damn thing. but what else can he do? i've already made my choice.

i can't stand character a anymore. i just can't bloody stand him. and that's not very hard to understand. a lot of people can actually understand why i simply cannot stand him. there's really not much he can do about the whole thing since i've already made up my mind. given, i gave character a 5 months to clean up his act. it's five months of lip service. i'm not sure if i explained that to character c. prolly not. prolly not.

but then again, do i really have to explain myself? do i really have to?

sometime soon, character a must come to understand this: that all the time he ignored me and took me for granted was precious too. that i don't appreciate the close to zero efforts he gave in the past. and it's not really feasible for him to try and make up for lost time now, now that he realizes that i cannot possibly be here forever if our relationship stays this way.

i have been demonstrative all this time. i do not want to explain myself again.