starting over

and i can see the pain in you
and i can see the love in you
fighting all the demons will take time, will take time.
-angels or devils, dishwalla

last monday's drinking spree left you and me alone. drinking once more. drinking because we knew we wouldn't get drunk anyway. and we both had scores to settle. and im not sure if the games we played that night really counted. but for all it's worth, i wanted them to. i wanted to start a mad dance with you, even if we could have died from dancing. even if we would never be happy again for the rest of our lives, i wanted that moment. that mad dance into oblivion.

but that was just me. im not sure if you wanted the same thing. from what you told me, you wanted a slow and steady walk into oblivion. i was never sure of anything with regards to you. except the fact that you would always be there when my world ceased to exist. when he left me, when i left him, when we left each other. i have no other ideas about you. except that im desperately trying to hang on to her to keep myself from falling in love with you.

to do, what to do? one, i stay with her. fuck her. be there for her. cook for her and do her laundry. and we will live happily ever after. two, i leave her and search you out again. and when i do find you, collapse in your arms. and then we will fight like nothing else. but i will love you and you will love me. and of course, we shall drink and drink and drink...and smoke and smoke and smoke.

decisions are hard to make when either way you go, you will hurt someone you care for.

but im starting over. im staring at these words im typing out and i keep on telling myself: im starting over, im starting over.