the river runs forth

the river has sprung free.

and this blog will never be updated again.

undecided

there is a river that runs deep in the heart of the earth. for centuries it has been happy in the cool bed rock. but today the river has changed its mind and changed its course. it wishes to be one with the sea, the sea out there.
the earth will not set the river free. the river pounds and pounds on the earth's crust. it cries out desperately: "set me free! i want to see the surface for myself!"
but the earth remains silent, stubborn and unyielding. it will not let the river go for secretly, it hoped that the river would flow within it forever.
but the river only wishes to be free.

the river weeps as it pounds continously on the earth. it weeps for chances it lost. it weeps for the sea that it has not seen. and it weeps because secretly, it does not want to live without the captivity. it does not want to be without the earth.

toss coin

and you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
or the moment the truth in you lies
when everything feels like the movies
yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive

when everything's made to be broken
i just want you to know who i am...

-iris, goo goo dolls

it's been a while since i've taken a breather. and all my efforts feel so futile. my relationships always go to hell and well, apparently my degree wants to take that ride with it. which would be alright if i hadn't tried to hard to keep things in check. i haven't felt well in weeks. i've been swinging from "im getting well but not yet" to "oh god, im so fucking sick". maybe it's because i have been so stressed lately. and there's no point in convincing myself otherwise.

i keep on thinking. just thinking. i keep on analyzing my life. and most of all, i keep on trying to make a decision that i don't want to make but have to. i feel trapped. i feel like i have to put on a face that im happy. the mere fact that im posting this here and not on my LJ (where i have i think more than 70 friends) suggests that i don't want to make my helplesness common knowledge. maybe because i've always been too proud to admit that i am a helpless little girl. that im on the losing side of things today. and that i need someone to hug.

i want to toss a coin. to see if i should still do this or not. it's been hard holding back all these months.