toss coin

and you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
or the moment the truth in you lies
when everything feels like the movies
yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive

when everything's made to be broken
i just want you to know who i am...

-iris, goo goo dolls

it's been a while since i've taken a breather. and all my efforts feel so futile. my relationships always go to hell and well, apparently my degree wants to take that ride with it. which would be alright if i hadn't tried to hard to keep things in check. i haven't felt well in weeks. i've been swinging from "im getting well but not yet" to "oh god, im so fucking sick". maybe it's because i have been so stressed lately. and there's no point in convincing myself otherwise.

i keep on thinking. just thinking. i keep on analyzing my life. and most of all, i keep on trying to make a decision that i don't want to make but have to. i feel trapped. i feel like i have to put on a face that im happy. the mere fact that im posting this here and not on my LJ (where i have i think more than 70 friends) suggests that i don't want to make my helplesness common knowledge. maybe because i've always been too proud to admit that i am a helpless little girl. that im on the losing side of things today. and that i need someone to hug.

i want to toss a coin. to see if i should still do this or not. it's been hard holding back all these months.