The Very Personal Top Ten

(Continued)

The last recent peace-making effort was from (again) character c (on full throttle, no doubt). At another social gathering, he called me over while he was talking to Kidney; someone who had betrayed me (and him!). I came over and character c was prompting me to converse with the traitorous bastard. It went like this...

Kidney: "Galit ka pa ba sa akin?" (Are you still mad at me?)
Me: "I have to be honest with you, yes I am still mad.

What followed was an unfeeling conversation about people Kidney and I both knew and a silent ride home with character c.

This is my point: "I like being true to myself and others. I don't like making phony conversations with people I'd rather ignore. Stop trying to make me bury the hatchet. I like my hatchets within reach, thank you."

#6 Drinking One Too Many Slushy Drinks

Due to all of the paper-pushing I've been doing lately, I have been thirstier than usual. 711, McDonalds and Starbucks have all made money from my slush-drink cravings. I think it's a bad sign. I now need paralyzing cold to jump start my brain.

Hurrah for sugar, ice and all things nice.

Drinks of choice:
1. Bumbulbee Slurpee
2. Dunkin' Donuts Coffee Iceblast
3. Mcdo Milk Shakes
4. Starbucks Iced Caramel Mocha

#5 Discovering better places to eat

All that traveling makes me a hungry girl. Though I usually hate eating fast food, I have found great alternatives. One such is PinoyDon at the Podium. Its fusion menu; with both Japanese and Filipino influences is sure to satisfy any one's cravings. Their expansive menu has Bangus in tempura batter with Teriyaki sauce, Tortang Talong Maki, Adobo-inspired Katsudons and more. Top it with a serving of their one of a kind green tea ice cream, you've got one of the best meals in the Ortigas area.

A runner up would be, New Bombay at the Columns, Makati. This Indian resto also has an expansive menu; friendly to vegetarians, meat lovers and dieters alike. Whether you want to carbo load with its meat and potatoes-esque meals or have a light lunch with a serving of nan bread and Yogurt shake; this is a resto that gives you what you need for the day.

#4. Palawan, my long awaited beach trip

Summer came über late for me. But late this July, I finally...finally got to the beach. Good thing it was sunny in Palawan even if it was storming in Manila.

#3. Knowing that everything shall pass.

A lot of frustrating things happened during online hiatus. But am glad to say: everything passed, character c and I are alright. We're happier than before, we've survived the many init-ulo moments we had in the last months.

Of course, all this is compounded by the many issues my family also had. Though I cannot elaborate my family's difficulties here, (to do so would be invasive and unfair)... Let's just say that the past few months were turbulent. And that, oftentimes trying to keep my patience has tried my patience.

But all things do pass. I don't think Murphy's Law had anything to do with the last few months. For when my relationship issues were resolved, my familial and financial issues were resolved likewise.

#2. Tough Decisions

It is no secret that I have been living independently. But what never comes to light is the sacrifices it entails. Deciding not to live in lovely suburban homes means living in a bare urban apartment. I have always recognized my good fortune of having 2 suburban homes at my disposal, these are always appreciated. However, deciding to live on my own has prompted me to let go of their comforts.

Letting all that go was hard for me. When I made the decision to break away from my family late last year, I knew I was starting on a perilous path. What I did not know was being relatively absent from my family's affairs would also become a comforting thought. Coming home to an empty apartment does not always give one loneliness. I finally got to rest up, finally had a routine I could rely on.

As I am a closet OC personality; having routine, being able to schedule my days and knowing what to expect when I got home has given me relaxation. This peace of mind was unattainable when I was living at my lola's house; where I had to absorb the constant dramatics of its occupants, where I had to withstand everything said and left unsaid simply because I am the eldest of our brood.

Conversely, I doubt that I will have the same peace if I move into my mom's new house.

I like to think that I just need some space, some kind of distance. I don't think it's a matter of shirking from my responsibilities. It's a matter of letting myself breathe some. I will always be their grand daughter, her daughter, their sister, their niece. But I think it is also time I became just myself.

#1 My private self rediscovered

I have again found this out. The past half decade has not changed me much. I share things about me but withhold my bottom lines. I don't do it on purpose. I feel I withhold my private thoughts because I never really found the need to spell myself out...then and now.

As such, I have been reminded in the past few months that though I have many friends and have had many lovers; very few know the intents of my actions and my private hurts and pains. It may be that I have become a duality of sorts, alternately giving and withholding information at need.

In my short life, I have lost many things. I have lost people I loved. I have lost memories. I have been left many times. I have seen horrible things. I have kept many secrets. But after all that pain, all that loss; I realized all of it has left me steeled for the future. Loosing so many loves has only made me more willing to loose more.

My private thoughts remain undaunted to the many entreaties from friends and family. I still refuse to bear my heart. And though at times I may wear my heart on my sleeve, the heart you see is only a minute reflection of those deeper yearnings.

For that, I am grateful

A Very Personal Top Ten

Things have been spinning round wildly. But that wouldn't be news. So let me rephrase it. The past few weeks have offered me no hope of coherence. My would-be posts became as wily as my grandma's logic. As such, blogging has been on the back burner.

Now that most crap is in order, I have the time to list down ten things that have kept me on the tailspin.

#10. Change of Employment

Not many people know what I actually do for a living. It's mostly because (compared to the average Filipino yuppie) I hate talking shop. All the positions I've held always had to do with words. I am thankful to have had a malleable vocation. Something that adapts to my needs and the jobs I accept. However, my convictions aren't so flexible. The past 2 weeks have been a barrage of pushing papers, considering (and refusing) job offers and making silent concessions with myself.

In an earlier post, I discussed my employment conundrum. I'm glad to say things have progressed since then. On the 20th, I will start working as a business analyst for corporation A. A job that will not ask for creativity and (hopefully) not too much social skills. I have my reasons for taking this on, this "uncreative" job. All of which I won't discuss here.

#9. Falling in Love with the Sidelines

For the past half decade, I have embraced the headlines. I believed I needed to take part in history as it happened. The first quarter of this year has forced me to the sides, to toe the lapping waters of history rather than swim in it. Though I miss being in the middle of things; it hasn't been all bad. Time for reflection can never be bad.

Now that I am well-rested and have had enough reflection; I'm ready to dive into history's depths once more.

#8. Reading Good and Not-so Good Books

Waiting at government offices is great for catching up on your reading. Iris Murdoch forced me into philosophy as I delved in her well-crafted plots. I especially loved:
I also loved "The Principles of Love" by Emily Franklin. Its amusing treatise on pop culture and art coupled with dynamic narration makes it seem like a book within a book. A witty mix of self-exploration, rock & roll, pop psychiatry all told by one off beat voice.

My reading list also included "The Secret Word" by Jennifer Paddock, "The Gift of Acabar" by Og Mandino and (surprisingly) "The Elements of Style" by Strunk and White.




#7 Cornered and Still Standing

I make few enemies. But those I make, I mark for life. I don't like being forced into reconciliation or meaningless small talk by well-meaning common friends.

Perhaps, I have been too polite to make this clear. On three separate occasions, I was conned into conversing with 3 people I didn't even want to acknowledge.

Two of these incidents, character c was to blame. His philosophy of "putting it all behind us" never really did jive well with my "to the death!" philosophy. When he tried to make me talk to Sidney and Kidney on two separate occasions, I gave him a look that could have withered all the plants on Ayala Avenue.

The last and most devastating of all: one mid-June afternoon, character c and I were supposed to meet my friend D for some coffee and dinner. I was raring to see friend D and introduce him to character C; whom he had heard of but never met. Friend D inevitably rolls round with a lady friend in tow.

The said lady friend; was an old friend of mine. Someone who had the gall to call my mother and inform my mother that:

1. I was sleeping around
2. I was living with different men at a time
3. Her strange whack-job, street person type mother disapproves of me.

It was only natural I stopped talking to the manipulative, daughter of a cult-leader and street person; character E. (She was banned from setting foot on our house, my mother was THAT pissed).

But since my good friend D was so full of good peace-making intentions; I decided to put on a plastic mask and keep my seething anger at bay.Our dinner conversation was filled with trivial high school memories. Character E better be thankful that I am not at her level of crass. Else, I would have asked her the following questions over dinner:

1. How is your father and what does he do again for a living?
2. How is your mom and how are her rice cakes faring? Does she still sell them over at EDSA cor Aurora?
3. How are your illegitimate nephews and nieces? Is your sister still sleeping with exotic dancers?

Oh, and: "Kindly recount the night you called my mother up..."

But I did tell friend D that he had my support. That I was still rooting for them. What I meant to say was: "This is your grave you're digging. I fully support that. It's the only way you'll learn."

To be continued.

Child Rearing in these Precariuous Times

“They get what they want,
But they never want it again
Go on take everything,
Take everything you want to...
You should learn to say no.”
-Violet, Hole

I was a crazy kid in high school.

Reminiscing high school life fills me with alternating dread and relief. I was so “socially adept”, it was horrible. At that juncture of my life; I didn’t have much respect for authority. Generally, I lacked respect for anyone. Irreverent, would be a nice-sounding description for it.Thankfully, I did eventually grow out of that phase.

And while I am as irreverent as ever, I have learned to channel my energies better. Call it maturity, call it getting older, call it getting tired…basta napagod ako sa pagiging pasaway.

When those “open party” stories circulated through the blogosphere some time back, I was left reminiscing times past. After sifting through epic proportions of reposts and replies, I now have the basic facts:

A high school kid went to an open party. He danced with a girl. They cam whored. And some time later, the same kid got beat up.

End of facts.

When I look at the incident through my wild child high powered lenses (also known as I thought about it for five minutes…while taking a dump), my reactions were the following (in order of thought process):

-Whut?! OMAYGAD. That’s so appaling. How could these people do this?

-I am never letting my (future) kids parteeeey

-Meh. It’s so epic. And so high school.

-Must get to the bottom of this.

So I made an effort. I sifted through more blogs. I even wrote to the people involved. It was a helluvalot of clicking and googling. Such a Herculean task. But I didn’t want to just repost stuff. I mean, so many people have reposted the beat up kid’s mom’s letter. I didn’t want to join in, repost without verifying.

In short, ang arte ko kasi kaya nag hirap akong magresearch.

After all that investigative journalism, I came up with these conclusions:

• The kid was beat up at an open party, that much is true. But when it comes to determining which party he went to, confusion abounds. There were two open parties that night.

• Some people and groups have become whipping boys. Other kids have taken (undeserved) heat for this. Just because they were mentioned in the beat up kid’s mom’s letter.

• So many people have posted,reposted and reacted to this issue; it has become a case of mass paranoia.

• People seem to have forgotten that high school kids tend to do stupid things, it’s what they’re supposed to be doing at that point. We “grown ups” should hold ourselves morally accountable to them. And accountability as elders includes being mature enough to keep oneself in check before lashing out on kids. This means that: GROWN UPS SHOULDN’T JUST REPOST WITHOUT CHECKING OUT THE FACTS.

• And lastly, though justice must and should be served; let us not blow things out of proportion. I will say this again: these are high school kids.

When you think about it, it is not their morality that we should question.It is our own morality that we should question. We should ask ourselves how could we have let this happen? And how could we call ourselves adults if we refuse to see beyond the blame game?

This incident should serve as a wake up call for all of us. It is not a reason for vendetta or prohibition campaigns. It is a call for tolerance and maturity. It is a call for self-examination.

Raising children will be difficult, no matter what decade you happen to be in. When our children get hurt, we naturally want to retaliate. We want to strike back at once. We suffer with our children. We have all the reason to be mad.

But you know what?

When we strike back at those other kids who have hurt our own; WE FORGET THAT THOSE KIDS HAVE LOVING PARENTS TOO. And that these parents can and will be equally hurt by our actions.

Who shall cast the first stone, then? Cast it you may, but remember to look at the dirt on your palms.

The Real World vs. the Realistic World and Other Anomalies

When I was in college, I used to be told by my parents that I would get my shot at independence when I moved out and got a job. Then I would know the hardships of the real world and appreciate how much they sacrificed to give me a good education and stuff.

Luckily (or unfortunately...it depends), I had my shot at independence long before I finished college. I did not have to wait to finish my degree to get pushed into the real world. I didn’t need a diploma to know what it was to starve. I made a deal with my parents: let me do my activist stuff and will not ask for money.

Now that I’m working, I’ve moved out and have generally steered clear of my family’s precarious finances; I would like to commemorate this event by listing down the top ten things that set “Icanmakeitonmyown” from “Buymestuffmommeh”.

10. The consequences of waking up late.

Waking up late in college meant two things: not showing up at class and sleeping the day off or two, spending your day’s allowance drinking, lamierdizing (bwahahahaha) or going to random places.

Yuppie stage: waking up late can mean a number of things. It can mean a salary deduction, it can me you were too drunk the night before to remember you had work the next day, it could mean staying late at the office to finish stuff you could have finished if you’d arrived on time or it could me you take a day off and drink more beer.

Being a yuppie will force you to wake up on time. When you are faced with HR personnel from hell, administrators that make hell seem like a peachy place to be and demanding bosses who can make Hitler cry; you have no choice.

Actually you do: you can quit your job.

9. The consequences of being pissed drunk at 6AM.

Being one of the cool kids in college; I had my share of drunken 6AM, 10AM, 3PM and what am pm (?!) moments. As much as I would like to say that I paid dearly for these drunken festivities, in all brutal honesty; I didn’t. And if I did, I may have been too hung over to remember.

When you’re earning your keep, one of the major consequences of being pissed drunk at 6 AM is no. 10’s consequences. That, and you can’t make heads or tails of anything at the office when you come in (if you do).

8. When you want something, you…

Ask your parents to buy it. Whine till they buy it. Or skip lunch for a whole week so you can buy it. Pretty simple, right?

In the real world, you learn that saving money isn’t a suggestion, it’s a must. Especially if you’ve moved away from you parents, saving up and controlling your expenses can be a real challenge. And by challenging, I mean practicing practical consumerism can drive you to tears. No matter how much or little you make, you will always have to save for a rainy day. Corollary to that; this also means that you can’t just splurge on impulse buys, conditioners in pretty containers, sleek gadgets and foodstuff that strike your fancy.

You have no mummy or daddy to “borrow” extra money for “stuffineedpleaseohplease” You will have to bite the bullet and admit that you may be a little too poor for some things.

7. There will always be food when I get home.

One of the most ignored facts of college life: your parents’ pantry. Getting that degree may throw so much shite at you, you’d wish you stayed in high school. But no matter what happens at school you can be sure you’ll be able to wolf down something when you get home.

Not so when you move out.

6. Your college self uses all the household utilities till kingdom come.

You pay the bills now. Enough said.

5. Explaining why you crawled in at 7AM the next day when your class ended at 3PM.

Moving out and being on your own does have its perks. If you’re like me and you live alone in an apartment, you can crawl in at any time of day or night. You have no one to answer to and conversely, no one to be stressed about.

Living alone means that you have to learn to take care of yourself. This also means you will have to know how to get home by yourself.

A lot of college kids take this for granted. Independence entails getting to places on your own. It also means figuring out how to get home when you’re wasted in a place which seems like another country.

End point: no explanations means no stressing. But it also means keeping up with the wide world out there by yourself.

4. Clean up your own mess.

Robert Fulghum one said: “being grown up means scooping the gunk out of the kitchen sink"

Let me tell you this: grown ups should not flinch at the sight of icky stuff. Or at least, should control their flinching. A big part of growing up is having sufficient gag reflex/strength to clean up your own mess.

We shouldn’t expect the following.

-that mommy will do your laundry

-that daddy will help you get a new job

-that you can run home when you run out of food

-that you can hide behind your parents’ influence/money/glamour/fame/personality when you fuck things up.

Growing up is like acknowledging poop. It’s disgusting, it’s hard to ignore but you can be mature and clean up.

3. Buying Furniture

When you move out, don’t bring all your teenage furniture with you. Leave your baggage at your parents’ house. Similarly, leave parental baggage behind. Just like pushing an old, bulky sofa up a flight of stairs: it is simply not worth it.

Buy new furniture. It will teach you the value of not spilling stuff on the upholstery. Something that your mother tried in vain to teach you when you were young.

2. Balance your life.

Balancing your schedule was hard enough in college (with all the parties, tests, parties and more tests). It becomes doubly harder to sort out your professional and personal schedule when you don’t live at home.

Make sure to call mom every week. Moving out isn’t about pushing your parents away. It is giving you and your parents room to grow.

Kung baga, tapos na paghihirap nila sa iyo. Mwahahahaha.

And lastly, independence means having two things: wisdom and freedom.

You are not supposed to be a wild child at this time of your life. You will just have to accept it. Embrace your freedom with some maturity. Make yo momma proud.

The Choices We Make

“Too many walls have been built in between us
Too many dreams have been shattered around us
If I seem to give up they'll still never win
Deep in my heart I know the strength is within”
-Too Many Walls, Cathy Dennis

Sometimes I wonder why I even bothered to be idealistic. I spent most of my college life marching around Metro Manila whilst shouting for the downfall of the government. I spent the better part of my so-called youth learning about poverty (other’s and my own) and the lack of empathy my fellow students had.

So many hours have been spent fuming at spineless student body presidents, ranting relentlessly and even falling apart from sheer exhaustion. All these have made my college experience in Ateneo two things: academically suicidal and borderline non-existent.

Again I ask myself; “Why did I even bother?”

I’m thinking about these things as I’m sitting here on my cushy chair in an air conditioned office in Ortigas. The irony of ironies never fails to present itself when I report for work each day. Why did I go against the corporate flow all my college life only to sell out and become a corporate whore thereafter?

The answer is frustratingly simple: I did this because I could.

After almost half a decade of being active in cause-oriented groups I have met astounding people who have lived out their life’s calling. These were not twenty somethings assuring you of their lifetime commitment. These were people who were jailed and tortured during Martial law, people who gave the prime of their lives to serving the people. These people, despite all their hardships are the lucky ones. They have purpose, their lives are meaningful.

A good friend once told me: “You’re lucky to have something to die for. The rest of us are just ambling along aimlessly.”

A few years after those fateful words were spoken, I found myself at a job interview. Apparently, I had enough qualifications to become a copywriter for a lingerie retail company. At the time, I was still very much active in the movement and I was a bit hesitant to try anything else. But I was also a firm believer in stretching my wings, trying out things I had never considered before. Needless to say, I accepted the offer.

And here I am now. Staring at underwire bras, soft cup bras, push up bras, Wonderbras, girdles, thongs, boy shorts and whatnot for eight hours a day while trying to amuse myself with more cerebral activities. Though I am far from being a jaded employee, I am still bothered that I am even employed at a corporation; albeit a small one.

After countless recounts of my college activist days, certain thoughts have come into play. I realize that all I needed was a change of scenery to be able to tell myself that I cannot turn my back on activism. I guess you could say that a step back is all you need to realize that you have indeed found your life’s calling. And that your calling doesn’t involve staring at breasts for hours on end.

Every time I am reminded of the sordid situation this country is in, I am appalled by the lack of response from my fellow yuppies. I cannot believe that people can just go about their business and not notice that our country is submerged in a political, moral and economic cesspool. Coming to terms with the growing apathy among young professionals is disheartening.

It is so disturbing to hear those Americanized twangs in Starbucks, talking about their iPods while the rest of our nation is in turmoil. I wish people would learn to be more proactive. Moreover, I wish yuppies would see that no matter how much you make; no matter how accented your speech is and no matter where you go: you will always be Filipino.

We should stop heaping thick unnatural accents on our heritage in an effort to hide it. We should stop playing the apathetic dunces who make money. We should stop because in truth, caring about the society we live in is what sets us apart from the other members of the animal kingdom.

Youth enables one to do so many things. Being young means having enough energy and gall to try and change the status quo. A young professional actually has more reason for rage when taxpayer’s money is pocketed by individuals. You actually pay income tax now. By virtue of shelling out money for the government every month, one should naturally be concerned where it goes.

Which all boils down to my daily question; why did I even bother to become a yuppie if I despise corporations and paying tax so much?

I entered the corporate world because I could. I am employed in an American corporation despite all my political convictions because I can be employed and also, because I am afraid. I am afraid to pass up a chance. I’m afraid that if all I do is march down streets, shout political slogans and discuss ideologies I will never ever learn anything else.

The dissipation of my lifetime learning curve is something that I cannot stomach. But now that I can say: I tried working in a cushy corporate job and it sucks, I can go back to my former life.

Now no one can say I never tried anything else but activism. No one can say that I never experienced a hard day’s labor or that I never paid taxes. I’ve been overworked for measly pay.

One needs options in order to choose. And now that I’ve tried both corporate whore and militant activist, I can determine where I am called to be.

And you know what?

I’ve decided to turn in my resignation and return to the streets.

Your Objection Gets My Nod

A good newspaper is never nearly good enough but a lousy newspaper is a joy forever.
- Garrison Keillor
That Old 'Picayune-Moon
Harper's September 1990

I have just read a very, very, very disturbing pooled editorial by a certain group of student journalists from sorta reputable school. Now, am not one to gripe and flail around muddy uni politics and I am not about to start defending Ateneo. Mainly because I believe Ateneo is not without faults.

As a prelude to writing my "no-i-am-not-defending-Ateneo" post; I read A WHOLE LOT of reactions from Ateneans who blog, non-Ateneans who blog and even tuned in to my college friends' whole discussion on the said editorial.

Being someone who served twice on a student publication's editorial board, I can enumerate lots of reasons to be simply appalled at the editorial. But I will just stick to one.

Not for want of facts or drive or even form. I was appalled at the lack of logic. A journalist doesn't simply report and quote various sources (like wikipedia, which was apparently consulted for this editorial). A journalist is supposed to make a coherent and logical story out of all the data collected. Moreover, sifting fact from fiction from downright incoherent thought is one of the main reasons why it is imperative for journalist to have some grasp of reality and logic.

The mere fact that the editorial seemed like a distorted group of arguments with nothing connecting A to B makes it a bit taxing to read. And when it finally dawns on you what the editorial was really about (read: bitterly bashing Ateneo), you cannot decide whether to laugh it off or demand those editor's heads.

I laughed it off.

At first.

Then I told myself:

Fine.

Taga Ateneo ako.

Fine.
Nakaka offend nga ito.

Nakakaburat nga. Slanderous ang piece na ito. Oo, maraming mayaman sa Ateneo at oo, sanitized environment ito. Maraming elistang walang alam sa paghihirap ng Pilipinas sa Ateneo.

But still, Ateneans; though slow to the chase have usually stood their ground on pertinent issues. Is that merit enough to go to hell? Is supporting a reproductive bill unchristian?

I think not.

Christ believed in uplifting those who had none, He hung out with poorest of the poor and most importantly; He preached tolerance.

Which is why I am surprised of the lack of tolerance these supposedly Christian editors have for those who need a bill that will uphold their human right to health. I am sad to see bright minds believe that overpopulation is something that can be treated with band aid solutions (like post natal care, more health care providers, etc).

We are a nation faced with poverty and overpopulation (mainly due to the lack of resources for recreational activities)

In Filipino: pag gigil, walang makakapigil.

We need preemptive solutions to overpopulation. Corollary to that point, the RH Bill is geared towards protecting those whose pregnancies could be caused by sexual abuse or will have high risk pregnancies. Conversely, it is also for those who cannot support a child (or another child for that matter). Access to better health care and more options is a great step towards a healthier country.



To be Atenean means to become a person for others. This person will put their name and reputation on the line for what they believe is right. I am proud that some members of the Ateneo faculty gave a voice to all those who are in dire need of reproductive health care.

NO PREGNANCIES = NO ABORTIONS.



===
I don't so much mind that newspapers are dying-it's watching them commit suicide that pisses me off.
-Molly Ivins

*I also find it misleading that the statement issued by some members of the faculty are quoted and stabbed at relentlessly as the stand of the whole institution.

inasmuch as

admittedly, i've been very busy as of late. i took on two full time jobs, am moving out of my mom's, moving in with character c, etc.

that's not exactly what i want to talk about here.

lots of people i know will agree; my life is nothing short of a fantastic roller coaster adventure. there's always some goddamned exciting or emotional thing happening everyday. i think that my definition of a "normal day" is a far cry what a normal day should really be.

but then again, it's all a matter of perspective.

i can trip/have an embarrassing fall while commuting or walking round ortigas (or wherever my clumsiness strikes), be drenched in the rain, walk in a flood or forget my wallet AND STILL consider the day i had a great day. i tend to laugh everything off.

i've reached this point where anything can be funny. when i look back on the bad things that have happened, i always find something funny about them though i may still feel defensive, irate or sensitive about an issue.

everyday is just happy. i can't stay sad for too long. it takes too much effort and energy to rant and rave. i just want to stay happy.

my life is not all peachy. but i choose to cope and be positive.

that and i have an arsenal of alcohol and ciggies to back me up. nyahahahahahahaha.