when standing still...just isn't enough

so emo moment na naman ba?

~*~
today is supposed to be like all the other days i've had. not that nothing ever happens in my life. that's not it at all. it's more like, a lot happens in my life. and many of those things that happen in my life don't concern you at all. actually, up till this morning i haven't even thought about you.

why?

because the last time i saw you (and this was a few months back, i think) you were an inconsiderate bastard. that and i had so many other things on my mind. there was jason. there was timothy. and now presently, there is kevin. relationships, all of which i fucked up quite wonderfully. i didn't even have to try that hard to mess everything up. i just did. i think im gifted in messing up people's lives, hands down...im the winner.

but let's not talk about that now.

what pisses me off is YOU. suddenly appearing out of nowhere. waltzing back into my life like you weren't the inconsiderate bastard that you were before. and just because im too nice to tell you that yes, i seriously think you are an inconsiderate bastard, doesn't mean you aren't.

me not talking about it doesn't mean it's not there.

im not sure where you missed the message. but when i fucking walked out on you that night in galle...dude, i fucking meant it. and don't tell me to be a good christian and forget about the whole thing. because i think there are certain degrees of fuckwittage that the good Lord allows...and this isn't one of them. im sure He will understand if im not really keen on seeing you again.

why?

it's because being with you makes me doubt why im a protestant in the first place. it makes me rethink what i believe in, in a really really bad way. i ask myself: "if being a christian protestant means love and kindness and you're supposedly one with great faith and such...why o why are you SUCH AN ASSHOLE???!!!"

and why do you have to be so friggin hypocritical about everything? and why do you want to change who i am??

i've had enough boy problems in the past. do me a favor, GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME.

~*~
That being said, i want to skip the rage and move on to the melodrama. in a fit of utter dismay and/or annoyance...as of 2045 H yesterday...kevy has walked out me.

i dunno. and yes, i didn't do anything to stop him. i just stood there. looking stupidly at the falling rain in RMT. i was trying to count the actual raindrops forming from the sky or something.

why didn't i do anything?

it's because it is about time i let him go. i've been keeping him for too long. and for what? im not sure. i have to admit, someone to run to was definitely a thought. and although i've become so used to him and such...i don't miss him at all.

i don't miss him because i never loved him.

and it's really hard to miss things/people you don't even remotely love.

and yet, i feel that standing still wasn't enough. im not sure what i should have done or what i could have done...but im pretty sure i could have done something else other than just stand there, stupified. but i guess all things will work out for the best.

i will always trust the benevolent spirit..because it tells me there is nothing, absolutely nothing to be afraid of.

*sigh

~*~
im sorry. for making your life more complicated. and for not being who you needed. i hope life gives you everything you need. and i hope when i see you again on campus, you won't have an urge to hack me to death. im so sorry.