poke the penguin!

panda and me.

we've been laughing so hard. ^__^

moving on up

I have two jobs now. Having them will raise my net worth to around 30k a month. My mom has already told me to get an apartment.

Everything is going as fast paced as I can handle.

I'm happy about all this. I really am. But I know that certain people in my life won't be too happy to hear about these developments. Hay. I shouldn't care, but I do. I wish that they could just be happy for me. Everything is going my way and it never hurts to wish a friend well.

sinisinta kita

punyeta. in love talaga ako.

happy 4-1!

finally, am home

there are limits to my generosity. i've spent a week minding character c's family. so much so that we have been mistaken for a married couple many times. i know that character c and i move with a certain synchronicity. we move together, we think along the same lines. yes, it had the makings of two people meant for each other. something that i have missed because character a and i barely spoke the same language.

everything is just very comfortable with character c. am happy about that. what i don't like is being judged. i mean. c'mon now. we're the only ones willing to sleep in the goddamned hospital and you blame us for that? if you really didn't one us to be there, then someone else should have volunteered to do it instead. complaints without viable alternatives are a pain in the arse.

speaking of pains in the arse. his brother, (let's call him suzie) is another gigantic pain in the arse. he does need my help. i cannot imagine someone who claims to want to go into foreign service not understand BASIC concepts such as sustainable development, neo-liberalization, trade liberalization.

my gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad.

his stupidity appalls me. aside from his utter lack of respect for me and his brother (who is consequently sending him to school; whom he called useless crap), i am irritated by this brandishing of stupidity. i cannot.get.over.his.ignorance.

going the family way

i've been with character c and his family for almost a whole week. what this spells for our relationship is yet to be seen. suffice to say, it hasn't been smooth sailing. it's the first time we're stuck together for a really long time. it's not really that bad. just a little unsettling. i do have to get used to this somehow.

hot head

ewan. ang init ng ulo ko lately. grabe.

on escapism

today, i faced the day with two reading materials by my side. The Bible (a.k.a Cosmopolitan) and a fantasy book. which lead me to think about certain events unfolding in my life. for a really, really, really long while now; not much has been written on this blog that isn't (even vaguely) related to character c. with that thought in mind, i began to panic. am i loosing myself in this relationship?

panic. panic. panic.

which pretty much sums up my morning thoughts.

===

last night, we had birthday dinner for my mom and my aunt. beforehand, my mom gave a horrendous speech/sermon which REALLY DID HELP me get into the spirit of things. am not sure why my mother keeps on doing this to herself. it's as if the woman likes self destructing at crucial times. she notices everything. every minute detail. she cannot let things go, even for a time. that is why supposed happy ocassions (birthdays, weddings, christmas, new year's, etc) turn into major sob-fests. one cannot help but be a little annoyed. i wasn't annoyed last night though,

i was pissed.

it's her own birthday, god damn it. can't she just let things slide, even for one night? jesus h. christ. the woman is mad.

hanapin mo ang pinaka sweet sa picture na yan

bored? o stressed?

	Tish successfully averted WW3 with some covert operation that is top secret.
	... afterward, Tish became an ideal and disappeared.
	'How will you be remembered in history books?' at QuizGalaxy.com

quiz (totoo naman)

- May 6 -
You love literature and the arts and dreaming and traveling. You love attention and are constantly attracting people with your charm. People find you very stimulating intellectually.
Positive Traits: kind, generous, honest, trustworthy, responsible
Negative Traits: manipulative, a gossip, presumptive, codependency, controlling
'What does your Birthdate mean?' at QuizGalaxy.com

natuto na ako't nagtanda

ano ba dapat gawin kung ang isang kaibigang pinagkatiwalaan mo ng todo, inasahang mong tutulungan kang bumangon at binigay mo nang buong buo ang suporta sa kanya ay siya din naman palang magkakanulo sa iyo't magpapahiya sa harap ng maraming tao? paano mo haharapin yung katotohanang sa kabila ng lahat ng inyong pag-uusap, sa kabila ng kanyang pagsira sa iyong tiwala noon at pagsisikap mong ibalik ang tiwalang yaon; magagawa pa rin yang magsinungaling sa iyo. magagawa pa rin yang lokohin ka, paasahin ka, saktan ka?

hindi ko alam kung paano pa ako makikitungo sa kanya. sana nanging pranka na lang siya at sinabing kahit ano pa man ang sabihin ko sa kanya; ikakalat pa rin niya ang nalalaman niya sa akin, sa amin. hindi naman ako masasaktan ng ganito kung naging handa ako. ganun lang kasimple ang mga bagay. nagtiwala ako sa iyo. bilang isang kaibigan. sinabi mo noon sa akin kung anong hangganan ng mga ilalahad mo. tanga ako't naniwala pa sa iyo. tahasan mong nilagpasan ang mga hangganang yaon.

sabi mo kagabi, ituring kita hindi lang bilang kaibigan kundi bilang kasama din. ito ang sagot ko sa iyo: hinding hindi na kita ituturing na kaibigan. kahit kailan, hinding hindi na ako magtitiwala sa iyo. kaya kong ituring ka bilang kasama. pero hinding hindi na kita ituturing na kaibigan. huling pagkakataon na itong magpapaloko ako sa iyo't magtitiwala. huli na ito. magtatanda na ako sa susunod na lumapit ka pa sa aking nagkukunwaring magkaibigan pa rin tayo. sana, huwag ka nang umasang babalik pa ang dati nating samahan, ang dati kong tiwala sa iyo. kasi, sigurado akong hinding hindi na ako papayag maibalik pa yaon.

drunken

for all it's worth, character c and i are doing fine.

timing

last night, character c and i got out of the staff house as a legitimate couple. the events that unfolded beforehand were, in no small measure, of my own gauge of people around us. it was time to tell the world the real score between character c and i. it made a difference. a disconcerting difference for some, but a difference nonetheless. and to the dynamics of our relationship, telling the world that we are a couple makes a world of difference from hiding in the shadows and stolen moments. i love you, character c.

finally

alam na ng lahat na kami nga. :D

3

in less than two hours, character and i will be celebrating 3 months of having a functional relationship. that being said, no one still knows that we are really together. although, when we are with other people, they way we act around each other screams couplehood. even if we don't hold hands in public, or at least when there are other people around... it is still very much obvious that we are together.

tomorrow. zoo. movies and lots of sweet things. will gush about it soon. hahahahha.

...

there are no catty remarks or witty phrases today

a picture will do.

improvements

my relationship with character c has been steadily improving. he's done with his work. we've been spending much more time together, and we've been talking more as of late. last night. we were walking th flooded streets of manila. character c had to carry me a number of times. it was reassuring and sweet. i felt like i was being taken care of. we had dinner at his house before hand. his family was warm as usual.

today, he surprised me by bringing me pizza at home.

i'll stop gushing now. :D

motivation, lack thereof

i think that even though am nearing getting my degree (time wise), i am in fact farther from it than when i started. i lack motivation to finish this semester. it's getting depressing. i have been home for four straight days and i'm pretty sure i didn't accomplish anything by staying at home. in fact, the only things i did while stay at home are: 1. sleep 2. interwebs and 3. smoke. i need to get out of this house.

i should get a move on and finish my degree. god. 6 fucking subjects to go and i can't even swing it. where have all my energies gone lately?

ok. so maybe i do know why i am like this. character a has been giving me a hard time. this has been the most emotionally draining 3 weeks of my life. i want this to end. only three months till i finish and i still can't get myself to do this. i've maxed out all my cuts on all my classes and i feel like i'm back in junior year when i was doing badly in everything except philosophy. i don't know who i should turn to for this. my mom will murder me when she finds out all about my little lack of motivation. murder will be putting it lightly.

i asked a friend of mine, **** about it. and he said that i was just plain lazy. kthanks for the pick me up. really now. gads. maybe i am just being lazy. but whatdapak am i supposed to do now? my academic life has become a cesspool of resentment. i have no idea where to go from here.

another friend, ** said that she thinks i won't graduate at all. which in fact started this whole lack of motivation thing. i know she means well. but telling your already down in the dumps friend that you think she won't graduate is a bit rich. bloody rich. a little consideration please.

to make matters worse, character c has been pushing me to graduate. i don't have the heart to tell him that his little "study hard, etc" reminders are in fact pushing me against the wall and not helping at all. now, i know that he loves me and he does mean well. but please. please. for the love of god. don't treat me like i;m in grade school.

hay.

pursed lips

as much as i wouldn't want to admit it. i have to. my relationship with character c lacks spice.

me and my mom

my mom and i have a rather complex relationship. she is the first and last person i run to when i'm in trouble. we talk about just about anything but we hardly see each other. i love hearing her stories, she loves hearing mine but we both don't know what each person actually does in a day.

confusing?

maybe. but i enjoy being with her. we just don't talk too much about jobs and such, i guess. i do know all the sordid details of her heartbreaks as she does mine. what am trying to say is. am grateful.

~*~
oh, character c's mom is getting headway into my life. or is it the other way around? am i getting headway into hers? i really, really like her. except for the fact that i feel she won't approve of my, uhm, lifestyle?

~*~
i miss character c, dammit.

secret smiles

"see that saucer of iodized salt?
if you can count the grains,
you'd know how much i love you."
-character c

am hopelessly in love with character c now. and the secret smiles we have grow in number.

masaya

tinatawag niya akong "mutya".
tinatawag ko siyang "sinta".

masaya ako.

may theme song na kami.

Ihaharap kita sa bandilang pula
Tanda ng aking di magmamaliw na sumpa
Sa iyo at sa pakikibaka

Pagmamahal pakaiingatan
Kagaya ng aking tanging pagpapahalaga
Sa iyo at sa pakikibaka

Hindi mag-iisa
'Pagkat laging magkasama
Ang ating pagsuyo'y
Bahagi ng iisa

Pagmamahal pakaiingatan
Kagaya ng aking tanging pagpapahalaga
Sa iyo at sa pakikibaka

Hindi mag-iisa
'Pagkat laging magkasama
Ang ating pagsuyo'y
Bahagi ng iisa

Ikuyom ang mga bala
Sa ating mga palad
Saksi ang mga masa
Sa ating paglalahad

Na hindi mag-iisa
At palaging magkasama
Ang ating pagsuyo'y
Bahagi ng iisa.

mukhang nagmamahalan na nga talaga kami.

100 days

The Quiet Conquest

Strange. I could have sworn
that i did not see you
enter my secret chambers
inching your way
through these dark caverns
with only the dying embers
of my fallen cigarette to guide you.

Surreal. I could have torn
that smirk off your face that was
edging slowly into a smile
impairing all defenses
that my fortress had
with only the searing looks
of my hidden eyes.

Surrender. I could have borne
these lonesome halls alone
ever denying the sound of you footfalls
imploring me to come hither
that you may do battle for me
with only a heart
of steel to wager.

Still. You could have scorned
these pitiable treasures you found
ending your quest for this heart
icily turning away from me
that my fortress become barren
with only my disbelief
of this chance left.

Sly. You could have left by morn
these threadbare embraces i give
eclipsing a dream that was beginning
in my heart, it dared take form
that these walls be shattered
with sweet confirmations
of what we are and were

functional

character c wriggled out of work and family responsibilities so we could be together last night. :D he brought me lots of food! am gushing. haha.

recently, character c confirmed my every suspicion. there has been no cooling off in this relationship. we're back to normal, or as normal as we can get. i think that last night was a testament to our couplehood. we spent more time talking, watching stuff and cuddling than having sex. which indicates that our relationship isn't just a carnal one. which is reassuring. it is a sign that we might have something for the long run.


tomorrow, we will celebrate the hundredth day since our first kiss. time passes quickly no matter the circumstance, it seems.

kissing a fool

you were far, when i could have been you star
you listened to people

character b viewed my profile in an unamed social networking site. so, i viewed her. and ohmyfuckinggod. she is fugly as hell! am regretting that i was ever insecure of her. with that face? my god.

wala naman pala siyang face.

i just can't believe i thought i had competition.

relationship blues

i've always been a free spirit. i go where i want to, when i want to. for some people, it may appear like i am a selfish brat. however, that is not the case. i have learned to pay for my mistakes, clean up my own shit and basically bite the bullet when need be. i have been like this for so long that i've somewhat developed my own kind of independence. i was raised to think for myself, to demand what is due me and take care of myself. am not used to being monitored, being told to go home at certain hour, being reminded to eat, etc, etc.

for me to get used to those things, i really do have to go through a life-changing turn around.

am not used to this.

character c is invading my space. contrary to popular belief, i am a private person. i control what i say to other people. i believe in projecting an image and how it is separate from my core being. it's not an issue of not being true to yourself. i was just brought up having a very clear sense of my public and personal life. it's not really a bad thing, is it?

i have to admit it. i'm really, really, really uncomfortable with the idea of character c keeping tabs on me. i feel like am talking to my dad, only worse. when my parents want to know where i am and if i'm even coming home, i get 3 questions maximum. character c just goes on and on. i know that he's the worry wart type and the jealous type but please. can't he just trust me and stop asking me where i am every 5 goddammed minutes? is just irritating and i feel like my own private space is being invaded.

i just don't get it.

for one thing, i don't blow my top when he fails to text me on time or at all. i take it as a fact of life. sure i worry but hey, shit happens. it's not a case of life and death at all. that's not it at all. but the way he blew his top last night, it felt as if i'd done something monumentally hurtful or deceitful or something of the same manner.

and all i did was not text him that i was home.

if he was so worried, i could have just called me at home.

goddammit. i need my space.

heal

am confused out of my wits. it has been a week of confusion. at first i was terribly hurt with character c calling for a cool off. then i realized, i did not even know what the bloody thing meant. i haven't had any cool offs in any of my other relationships. and i feel like it is too early to have one at this point. cool off after barely a month?

it doesn't make sense to me.

i guess in the back of my head, i know that we should be enjoying ourselves now.

i think that character c is getting used to me always giving him whatever the hell he wants. i've been thinking of changing my number of becoming unavailable all out once but i'm scared of hurting his fragile ego. i like complimenting character c because i feel that if he can't be secure with me, it will never work in the long run. it's something i didn't do with character a, actually. but that's a whole different story.

so, after a bout of crying; i was prepared to let character c slip me by. after all, i knew well enough that i could survive. not having character c in my life means less complications for the next six months, actually. and when i thought of it that way, i was (partially) glad to have gotten rid of him.

but no.

character c comes crawling back. stating that in truth, nothing was wrong with me. that he needs to fix his life...he loves me...blah, blah, blah. am skeptical. and a bit unfair. but i have license to be both. after all, character c has done lots of things which don't really bring out his better side. anyways, am still in a conundrum.

we're still "cool off" see? but then again, what does that mean? he's already in some hick town in bloody laguna, we haven't seen each other for more than a week, he doesn't call or email... he actually has all the "space" he needs. but when he does sms, he does it so excessively with all the "iloveyou's" that one may wonder "jesus h. christ, what cool off?"

and here lies my confusion. although tempers have already abated, my eyebrows are still raised. i still have half a mind to change my number. and leave him hanging for at least a day or seven.

~*~

in other news, time does heal all wounds. lately, i've been getting in touch with people that i wouldn't have touched with a ten foot pole 3 or four years before. ah yes, the internet. it amazes me everytime.

i tried

Last weekend, character c and i celebrated our first month as a couple. and it ended in disaster. We were doing fine till the sunday morning. that's when things began to get awry. he wasn't so up to having sex the whole time. but i figured it was because he was so tired from work. at around 6am, i was tired of being enthusiastic. a little dark green thought had formed in my head. maybe, he wasn't up for the challenge because he had had sex with character b again. mistakenly, i blurted this out.

and he was so mad.

i was relieved that before he left, he assured me that he wasn't mad at me anymore.

i was mistaken.

last night, character c has called for space. cool off. am not sure what it all means. he told me that i had hurt him, that i did not trust him enough. i kept on explaining and apologizing. i kept on tellling him that i only had a fleeting fit of jealousy. that it was unfounded and that i did not really believe he was cheating on me. i felt that we didn't need this cool off set up. that i didn't understand and that i was and am afraid of loosing him. i asked him if he still loved me. he said: "mahirap magmahal ng puro duda."

since sunday moring, he hasn't told me again that he loves me. i am in pain. i know that i hurt him, but did he really have to this? countless times he has hurt me and yet i kept on loving him. i'm not sure about what i should do. i feel so broken. i feel like i have been put aside. i don't know where all this is leading. i don't know how things blew up like this.

i have tried my hardest to undestand. i have given character c all the leeway i could ever give. and yet, here he is. what strikes me is how easy it is for him to let this go. and it is what gives me doubt and pain. i have always believed that if you love someone, you will do everything in you power for that someone to stay in your life. and here he is, pushing me away at the first sight of trouble.

i don't regret loving character c. i don't regret choosing him, convincing myself that we should be together. i cannot just up and go from all this. i cannot just call it quits. i am in pain but i am trying to understand. im trying my damnest to understand. i just wish he could see. that this is such a small issue. that it is not worth all the pain that he has inflicted upon both of us. and i just wish he will realize that i cannot wait forever. that i have had enough of waiting for him.
he broke my heart again.

fonder

"alone at last."

spent the weekend with character c. :D he bought me a banoffee pie! besides the over the top performance in the bedroom, character c is unbearingly sweet. two words: ketchup and glass. i think that i'm going to be happy for a really long while.

===

am supposed to go to Hong Kong tomorrow. I hope everything works out fine.

2 weeks

today character c and i celebrate two full weeks of coupledom. and while it may not seem like much to everyone else; i cannot explain how important it is to him and i. character c and i had to go through different stages of uneasiness and self doubt before we even took a real step forward towards becoming a couple. so, two weeks of being together is actually quite worth celebrating. i like having him around. and im happy.

he's back in manila by tomorrow. yey! :D

first week

it has been one week of couple blissfulness for me and character c. aside from the usual arguments, there have been no major issues to far. of course, it's far too early to say. :D

time

that's what we need. time to be together. since character c is now working, we've had close to no time at all to be able to bond. during the course of last week, we really had to make major adjustments. his mom/my mom and both our schedules are not the only considerations anymore. we now have to take into account that he will only be in close proximity during weekends. for the rest of the time, he will be at godforsaken alabang for work. and while am perfectly alright with him working, am really really finding it hard to adjust. given, i wasn't exactly ready for this. when we talked about this before, we had no definite relationship to consider. there were no "i love you's" exchanged between us. just me, making all those declarations. i know, i know; i was pretty le pathetique. but then again, i did feel that we were going somewhere and that he was actually giving me something to work with.

and look at us now.

we almost have a functional relationship.

i say almost because we're not quite out in the open. there is literally only a handful of people who actually know what the real score is. and by a handful, i do mean a handful. i am scared, actually. i'm scared that people will see me differently when everything is out and in the open. i'm scared that if we fail at this, people will just nod and brush it off.

character c is the closest i've been to a compromise between what i want and what my family expects. and now that we are finally getting somewhere, i feel as if the rest of the world won't be able to take the news.

more than time to be together, we need time to let things pass; let issues die down. it won't do us any good if we make our declarations now that everyone is emotional. i just want us to have a fair chance at a relationship. i just want us to be able to grow with each other.

and yes, i just want us to be left alone.

progress

this weekend was another one of those breakthrough weekends character c and i always seem to be having.

sa wakas, nasabi na niya na mahal niya ako at oo, kami nga.

finally, finally

character c has decided to leave character b.

him: hihiwalayan ko siya para mahalin ka.

i can't breathe. i can't breathe.
~*~
ok. i was half expecting this. but not really. i had more than half a mind this afternoon to really, forcefully call it quits with character c. i came upon this decision in fit of rage over his jealousy over this old friend of mine who just happened to be an old flame too. i was in a rage because i was oh so very confused. and i don't like being confused about anything. anyways, we were both in a rage after around 3 messages.

what was i supposed to do?

i just can't have him tell me over and over that i cannot see so and so persons, he is jealous of so and so...and more importantly, that i should stop smoking; if he cannot get himself to tell me that we do, we do have a bloody relationship.

so maybe i did play hardball with him. but i really couldn't help it. i just don't like constraints without labels, i guess. i'm fine with minimal labels, but none at all at this point seems simply absurd. no one tells me to stop smoking without trying at least to explain why they say so. or at least, i don't think he should have that much hold on me unless, unless he gets over himself and admits that what we do have is an honest to goodness relationship. am sorry, but i really don't have time or energy for vagueness right now.

in retrospect, i may have been too hard on character c. but then again, if i don't push him against the wall now, when will i start to get a move on with my charmed life? i've said this over and over, i don't like to be kept hanging. i hate uncertainty. especially uncertainties i can remedy. and this, my friends is certainly one of them. this is the type of problem that i can avoid, these are the types of questions i can live without if only character c just said whatever is running through his brain.

well, my efforts have paid off. he is leaving her. and that is that.
~*~
in other news, character a is becoming terribly assertive. he refuses. flat out refuses to give up on the carcass of our relationship with the hopes of reviving the damn thing. but what else can he do? i've already made my choice.

i can't stand character a anymore. i just can't bloody stand him. and that's not very hard to understand. a lot of people can actually understand why i simply cannot stand him. there's really not much he can do about the whole thing since i've already made up my mind. given, i gave character a 5 months to clean up his act. it's five months of lip service. i'm not sure if i explained that to character c. prolly not. prolly not.

but then again, do i really have to explain myself? do i really have to?

sometime soon, character a must come to understand this: that all the time he ignored me and took me for granted was precious too. that i don't appreciate the close to zero efforts he gave in the past. and it's not really feasible for him to try and make up for lost time now, now that he realizes that i cannot possibly be here forever if our relationship stays this way.

i have been demonstrative all this time. i do not want to explain myself again.

100

i was so goddamned drunk last night, character c had to pick me up. i was really, really stark raving drunk. he really, really had to take care of me then. he had to rock me to sleep, clothe me and put me to bed. i was so bloody out of it last night that i couldn't even count.

weekend gave me some points of clarity.

1. i do, i do love character c.
2. he keeps on choosing character b, goddamned it.
3. if he doesn't give me a straight answer by the next weekend, i will fucking whoop his ass.
4. i want to be with him but i won't lower my pride.
5. he won't lower his pride either.

this is going nowhere. this is going absolutely nowhere.

~*~
yesterday morning, he was here. he now holds the distinction of being the only boy that i took into my own bed. i've never brought anyone into my room, let alone have some guy naked on my bed. but now he owns the distinction as my first.

sunday's child

am waiting for character c to arrive. no boy has done this before. and i'm hoping, no other boy will. :D

wince

i spent most of yesterday at character c's house. i met most of his family too. it was fun. they fed me till i couldn't breathe. his family is warm, chatty and forthcoming. not at all like mine. mine is just cold and disdainful towards most of my boys. i do wonder though, what they think of me...as per my reasons for being there in the first place. but i like them. i noticed that they do get into each other's business a little too much. then again, that's the case for practically all of the families in this little country.

i'm still wondering though. do they think character c and i have a thing going on? more importantly, do they feel that we have something going on?

i think at some points, they saw us holding hands and such. character c did kiss me when no one was looking. that was nice. i didn't really expect that.

something happened when i left though. i was hugging character c goodbye...

me: i love you
him: i...salamat

hay. jesus h. christ. sayang.


i'll see him again tomorrow. this time, he'll be coming over to my house. sana hindi kami mahuli. hahahahaha.

him: mukhang ok sa kanila (his family) ah!
me: parang ok naman
him: ganun talaga. pag mahal ng isa, tanggap ng lahat.

ibig sabihin ba nito, mahal niya rin ako? o general statement lang yun. but then again, as my friend **** would said:

tae, hindi ka ipapakilala kung di ka mahal. walang tangang gagawa nun.

maybe he does love me and he's just afraid of saying so. it's confusing because i keep waiting for him to tell me but he just doesn't. he likes resisting me. he has a conscious crusade to resist me, goddamn him.

when this absurd set up end? for the love of god, we're perpetually hanging by a thread. we're almost there but not quite. i really can't stand it for much longer.

notes for today

1. be wary, very wary.

went to character c's today. andohmyfuckinglord.

tis all.

past the point of no return

i was with character c again this evening. it's past one in the morning now and i just got home. we spent time together alone for most of (last) the night despite the fact the a great person from our group passed away earlier in the day.

yesterday (monday), i defended my bloody thesis. i have to say i did this quite well for someone who barely had time to prepare and make the said paper. character c brought me food when i got home. it was some kind chinese bread thingy that he had to go all over binondo to find. it was sweet. he didn't even stay for more than ten minutes.

i have noticed some changes with the way character c acts around me.

first, he is getting into the habit of carrying me around. he carries me around (in private of course) for the most mundane reasons. when he wants me to move over, instead of telling me he just takes me in his arms. if we're supposed to go to another part of the room together, he doesn't wait for me to get up; he just carries me. and sometimes, he carries me for no reason at all.

second, he has taken the habit of burrowing his face into my breasts, neck or whatever body part is nearest to him.

third, he likes rocking me back and forth now and saying "baby".

fourth, he doesn't pull back first when we hug anymore.

and lastly, he also has gotten into the habit of giving me little kisses on the forehead and on my nose.

hmmmm....

tonight was experiment night. some things, i've never done before. monday night, he was asking me about my weaknesses and such. then he asked me:

"kung manliligaw ba ako sa iyo, matatagalan ba bago mo ako sagutin?"

hmmm....again.

~*~
there have been some questions in my head, of course. if i go through with this, that is if character c leaves character b... am i willing to go through a change of lifestyle for this relationship? am i really willing to relocate to another country just to make sure we have all the chances to make it work?

am still not sure.

i've never really gone that far for one relationship. but then again, am older now with an actual chance to be able to relocate. but still. im not really sure of i should do this.

he's leaving soon and i'll know by then what i have to do. if he chooses me, then i definitely have to find a way to justify moving to singapore before the year ends.

'course im scared. who wouldn't be?

but he makes me oh so happy. :D

Completion without satisfaction

i have managed to start and finish my undergraduate thesis in 12 hours. how i actually managed the whole thing remains a mystery to me. i can only hope that whatever i wrote made sense. but then again, judging from the work of other people in my program; i don't think i did too badly. i thought i was the worst of the lot but at around 1 am this morning, i was talking to **** who was also doing her thesis. she told me she was stuck at 500 words. (my word count at that time was roughly 2 500 words or so. i needed around 1 500 more to be able to meet the minimum.)

i then realized that i was not the only one doing the flail dance. which was good to know.

at 3 am this morning, i finished my bloody thesis. fucking integration, migration and labor in the EU. for the ironic effect, it had a bible-theme to it coupled with a marxist framework. just so i could amuse myself. i hope people get the joke. if not, well. it's alright, i guess.

~*~
in other news, character c and i seem to be making some headway. this weekend was enlightening, actually. i think friday was the first time we had dinner and just dinner. he chose this obscure hole in the wall chinese restaurant near avenida. pinsec house, i think. of course, nothing like northpark (which happens to be one of my favorites). but delicious all the same. something he said at that point actually got to me.

him: ayaw mo sa ganito? di ka sanay?
me: *embarrassed smile*
him: di nga?
me: *more embarrassed smiling* ok lang, ok lang talaga
him: naku, dapat masanay ka na. mahilig ako sa mga ganito
me: *further reddening*

it's all these references to the future that are messing with my head. i think that he refers to our collective future more than i do. yes, that's a definite. what i really don't understand about this whole "relationship" that we have is the fact that even if i'm the one making nice pronouncements about how i feel, he's actually the one planning out the whole future ahead. which is strange. he cannot say he loves me BUT he can tell me about a future "us". it is all very strange to me. i've never been in a set up like this. and i don't think i want to be in it again.

though i don't want to force an answer out of him, soon would be nice. am actually trying to concentrate on assuring him that i'm here. that i'm not leaving anytime soon. i will leave eventually, of course. no use keeping his hopes up.

evetually, the conversation lead to a deadline. something that i both regret and want. i have this creeping sensation that i'm competing against an unknown, this character b whom i have never met nor seen pictures of. and i don't like having to compete with someone i can't gauge. i work well competing against something finite, can actually do well in that. but when it comes to character b, all i have are snippets of information. stuff such as:

1. she's some registered nurse practicing somewhere
2. she's going to canada to work, or similar
3. i vaguely remember a portion of her nouveau name (ang mean ko talaga)
4. she has a healthy sexual appetite and is more adventurous than i am since she goes for three ways and i cannot for the life of me...
5. she lives in pasig
6. her mom is from ilocos, or similar northern province

ok, that's about all i know about her. of course, i could have tried sneakily looking over character c's phonebook. but what good would that do? she may not even be there. hell, i'm not there. anyways, i dread the deadline. i dread it. i am scared that after all my efforts; character c will choose character b and i will be left with my misery. and if there's one thing i cannot stand at this point, it is loosing to someone like character b. someone that hasn't been as good as i have been for character c.

of course, i cannot possibly understand the dilemma character c is in. simply because of the lack of facts to paint such a dilemma. in any case, in six months i would have likely forgotten the whole point of this blog entry. which is not to say, i won't recall it if i urge my memory to.

today though, i have this urge to run away from everything. i have this urge not to answer anyone's calls or messages. maybe this is despair at its finest. maybe this is my way of coming to terms with what i cannot have and giving up. am not really sure.

but really. in all blunt honesty. i am giving up. i just can't take this shite. goddammit. i just can't. sure, i am neurotic as hell. and i have my moods. but sometimes, even the foulest of moods cannot equal that silent pain.

my god. it's back. that silent cold pain through the heart. i think i've talked about it before. and now, it's back. though not as intense as before, it's back.

i give up. i will not take this sitting down. i run.

general discontent

here i am. i just got home from seeing him. and i feel like i'm flinging myself at him.

pakiramdam ko, pinagpipilitan ko lang sarili ko sa kanya.

how much more do i have to give, before i finally break? how much time do you need, character c? how much time before you get over yourself and admit why:

1. you go crazy jealous with the thought of me getting it on/going out with someone else
2. you sneak out of the house and give your mom excuses just to see me
3. you want me to move to the country you're moving to
4. you want to have a kid/s with me
5. you told your mother about me (and the pregnant story)

now, if these are not the actions of someone truly in love...i will never be able to tell what love is.

hard choices

character a and i are over. i told him myself. i feel relieved. what bothers me is that character c is still weighing his options. he still loves her, goddammit.

why? why?

i might be seeing character c by friday and i want to be ready then.

even more disturbing. last monday, character c and i had a false alarm. early that morning, i was throwing up all over the staff house. he went white with concern but he couldn't really do much since everyone else was there. but i did see the look on his face. a baby is not what we need right now. we can't have a baby if he can't even goddamned decide if he wants to be with me or not. if he did get me pregnant at this point in time, i would rather not tell him. i wouldn't tell him and i'd run away. but of course, during the whole day that frantic messages were being exchanged (and we were beside each other...just not talking) while we were at the transport strike; i assured him that i would never hide the kid. that i'd let the kid have his last name. that i'd make sure he saw the kid and the kid knew that he was the dad. of course, i lied to him.

really, what was i supposed to do? tell him straight to his face that i think that if he can't even commit to the mother, i'm damn well sure he cannot commit to a kid. i couldn't and wouldn't hurt him that way. i couldn't really say: "i'm sorry, but i just don't see myself building a family with you because you're so goddamned clueless about your own bloody life." or "you can't get your act together. you can't even pick a girl friend. what makes you think you'd be a good dad?"

anyways, it was a false alarm. but god damn it and bloody hell. he told his mom. he fucking told his mom that i might be pregnant. given that he didn't say who the "girl" was, i don't think his mom has lots of options. me and her. practically the only two women in his life. i asked him why he didn't just tell his mother that i was the girl. and now, he will tell her. and not sure if i feel better now.

i just want us to be normal. i don't want to be kept hanging. how much more do i have to wait before he says that he cannot be without me. the question is: will he say that at all? or will he say that he has decided to be with her?

of course i really can't do much here. i've said all there is to say. and if he can't get it into his bloody head that with all due respect, i've been doing a better job at being a girlfriend than her...well, he can just go fuck himself. in the literal and symbolic sense.

if he still can't make a bloody decision by the time he leaves for singapore, i'm calling it quits. by god, i'm calling it quits.

and jesus h. christ. by quits, i really do mean quits.

Emotional

To You Who is Forever Away
Raph Doval-Santos

Forgive me, forgive me -
already the days are numbered, marked and measured
when you are here in Manila;
tomorrow, you will leave me again,
away to that distant shore of my dreams,
jagged as dashed rapids are jagged,
crashing on a cliff.

It is in dreams now I find you,
in a place where no phone numbers can be reached as dialed
or no letters can be read in our wordless language of waiting.
Tomorrow you will leave again,
and I will watch the sky for signs of you.
I stay and watch my face grow old,
ever nearing a future where you're not here.

Yet, I tell you,
at every hour, every second,
at every single moment you spend leaving me,
I am here, still waiting for you.
And for all that time, I will stay,
'till the day comes when I will find you, chase you down
to where the moon can't swim from these shores and drown.

320

Last night, character c was in my arms again. this scene was preceded by me frantically texting him after his bout of jealousy over character d. i was shocked into reality when he declared that he was leaving character b. i was shocked because he never mentioned this before. and in a fit of frustration, he just had to tell me.

could this be? that after all this time, character c and i will finally, finally be together (with no one else in the equation)? can you blame me for being shocked? for not really getting his point immediately.

we had dinner last night and he gave me my birthday gift

waking up

"when the ice gives in beneath you
it changes how you dream"
-John Gorka
"Temporary Road"

It's true. when all is said done, all i have left to do is adapt. i have finally deleted all his messages in my inbox as well as his home and mobile number in my phone book. i am quite happy that we have not been together that long for me to be able to memorize either numbers. i feel better now. better than last night, at least. am going out with my friends tonight and i will make an effort not to mention everything that has happened lately. i don't want to start talking about it because if i do, i'll monopolize the whole conversation. therefore, i will not talk about characters a, c and d tonight. i want to catch up with my friends. i want to hear about what they have been up to.

i will be alright. i can do this. i've moved on before and i can move on now.

but jesus h. christ, why has it to be so goddamned hard?

i miss you, character c. but sadly, the shit you give me isn't what i need now or at any point in my life. i refuse to be your doormat. i refuse to validate you when the whole world walks out on you. i refuse to hold and comfort you when SHE can't do it because she has no time for you. i refuse to just give you my heart just because for the time being, you can't have hers. and then, you forget all about me when you're with her. i have better things to do with my life. and i will forget you. by god, i will forget you.

i have no regrets that i told you last night that i would wish you dead if you ever hurt me again.

makulimlim

I'm Dying, Dying to wake up without you, without you in my head again
I'm Dying, Dying to forget about you, that you ever lived
There's a shade come over this heart that's coping with laying down to rest
I'm Dying to live without you again

I'm Dying, Dying to find a distraction, get you away from me
I'm Dying, Dying to reach a conclusion, so that the world can see
It's the same old story of love and glory that broke before it bent
I'm Dying to live without you again

The first time you left I said goodbye
Now there's not a prayer that can survive

Dying, Dying to die just to come back so we can meet again
Dying, Dying to say what I always should have said
It's a strange emotion this but there's still hope in this
As long as there's a breath...
I'm Dying and I can't live without you again

It's a strange emotion this but there's still hope in this
As long as there's a breath...

I'm Dying and I can't live without you
I'm Dying and I can't live without you again

~*~
bakit ganon? ngayon na nakuha ko na talaga ang gusto ko (ma-abswelto), hindi pa rin ako masaya? pero hindi ko na dapat tinatanong sa sarili ko yan. alam ko naman talaga kung bakit hindi ako masaya. kasi alam ko, kahit na mayroon pa rin ako makukuha sa kanya... hindi talaga siya sa akin. alam ko na sa kabila ng lahat ng pinakita ko't ibinigay, hindi naman talaga ako ang mahal niya. hindi naman talaga ako ang pipiliin niya. kailangan ko nang kilalalanin ang malaking posibilidad na ginagamit lang niya ako. na sa ilalim ng lahat ng nangyari, hindi ako ang mahalaga sa kanya. hindi ako ang gusto niyang kasama. kasi kitang kita ko naman yun. kaya shempre naman, nung sinabi niya sa akin kanina na adun nanaman siya sa bahay ng girlfriend nya (pagkatapos namin magkita kaninang umaga); nasaktan ako. granted, hindi ito yung: nahihilo ako't ikakamatay ko ang sakit type of pain...but still. no one likes to get hurt, diba? so ayun, nasaktan nanaman ako. i have this feeling that i should delete all his messages and his number from my phone. para naman sa loob-loob ko, nagantihan ko naman siya kahit papano. pero what good would that do? pag nalaman ko rin naman na siya yung nagtext, sasagutin ko rin naman eh. malungkot talaga ako ngayon. i feel all hollow.

ito pa ang isang nangyari sa araw ko. nakipagkita ako sa isang kaibigan na nagpaparamdam na gusto niya ako. lagi ko na lang siya di pinapansin, kaya naman dahil naudlot ang "happy time" namin ni character c, ayun. pinuntahan ko si character d sa kanila. hindi ko talaga siya gusto. kaso, bad trip nga ako sa umaga namin ni character c. nagpaunlak ako.

at kahit naman dapat maging masaya ako dahil nakadalawa ako sa isang araw. (i am the bomb!) hindi talaga ako masaya. i haven't been this low since... last year. and i'm not even sure what my issue was last year. still, i haven't hit rock bottom. kaso, i think i may well be on my way.

shet.

gusto ka na talagang maging maligaya. saan ba ako makakahanap ng maayos na kausap, may panindigan, magaling sa sex at higit sa lahat, mahal ako? :c pakiramdam ko, kapag natapos na ang lahat ng ito (kay characters a, c at d), hindi na talaga muna ako tatanggap ng kahit anong porma ng pakikipag-relasyon. nahihirapan na kasi ako. baka kailangan ko lang magpahinga.

at putang ina, ayoko nang nasasaktan. ayoko ng bigay lang ako ng bigay. putang ina, buburahin ko na number niya.

the storm has settled

yes, my friends. the storm has passed. and unlike most endings, this one gave me a realization. it's never over. he has come back.

what's strange is i'm ready to loose him all over again.

the aftermath, once more

fine. so now, that small part of the population of this country who have the right to know about us DO know about us...to a certain extent. but i hope it never comes to the point wherein the most intimate details of my relationship with character C will have to be examined.

i was very frustrated with him for saying things he shouldn't have said AND recounting things that DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING HAPPEN. what will he say next? that we slept together? god. at the rate he's going, i don't think i'll still wait around to see what happens next. in my opinion: TANG INA MO, WALA KA NA BABALIKAN!

hay. =c

~*~
i know for a fact that what happened was wrong. i will not go on and justify what happened. but for the fucking love of god...can't he just stick to what we agreed we'd say?! i know that people are pressuring him to spill the beans. but people around us are pressuring me too. but do i spill my beans? no. do i say something outside what was agreed? no. jesusfuckinglord. it's a simple statement. a simple fucking statement confirming what HAS happened and denying what can both get us into deeper shit than we can possibly handle. my god. doesn't he have any brain cells left in him? given that i've long acknowledged that he has little to no spine, but brain cells too? and he wants to be a fucking doctor? jesus h. christ.

~*~
breathe.

~*~
i don't want to be mad at him. i don't want to be bitter. i don't want to be any of these things because i brought this upon myself. and sometimes, i delude myself into thinking that despite everything that has happened; i love him. that's the only logical explanation to my putting up with all of this. this whole thing has taken a toll on me. and i do, i do want this to end.

still, he keeps me hanging. hay.

~*~
and before i forget. i remember your flight today, daddy.

the end of an affair

"hello pain, you're home again
i missed your acid smile again
i never dreamed you'd come back..."


hurt like hell, but it was worth the while. though i will have trouble explaining myself later, i will be alright. yes, it hurts. it fucking hurts. but it's nothing i can't live though. i guess from the very start, it was bound to end. at the back of my head, i kept wishing that things would turn out for the better. but no, i really has to be this way. i know that he's right. for once, he's done something right. but of course, it can't help feel wrong. i know this, for anything that hurts you will always feel wrong.

i didn't write this on my rage blog because...well, i'm not stark raving mad. i'm hurt, but i'm not mad at him for leaving me. i don't think i have to be. he left because he knew what we had was wrong and hurtful for other people. he left because he finally grew a spine. and i can't really be mad at him for doing that, can i? i can actually understand his bloody point. he really does have to fix his life before we can get a move on ours. and i appreciate that he never did point his finger at me and say, "you fix your bloody life too, goddammit!" he never did hold me accountable for anything. which i think is pretty nice.

*sigh*

must learn to live without him now. him and the great "stuff".

goodbye, it was worth all the trouble.

delusion

how many times do we have to tell ourselves that we don't have a relationship before we give up and admit that we do have one?

i need you to tell me yourself. that i'm not just some other girl you're fucking with.

but even if that were the case, i have no complaints nor regrets. :D

~*~
me: maghahanap na ako ng iba...
him: iiwan mo na ako?
me: hindi mo naman ako hahanapin...
him: hahanapin din.

seriously.

"Cos little by little
We gave you everything
You ever dreamed of
Little by little
The wheels of your life
Have slowly fallen off
Little by little
You have to give it all in all your life
And all the time I just ask myself why
You're really here"

there are just some relationships that are too easy. my greatest concern however, is how i will cope once he has gone.

thursday night, was the best i ever had.

i keep on having to remind myself that this thing we're having is so fleeting. but every time i tell myself that, i try harder to make every moment with him count. but we still argue, i think. but the thing is, even our arguing never gets anywhere. the only thing that gets anywhere in this relationship are our passions.


i think the most problematic part of the whole set up is, he cannot and will not come to terms about what he feels. i think he doesn't want to. he likes hearing me say what i feel, but he never opens up. thus, i have resolved to stop telling him how i feel. i cannot take this anymore. i can't let myself become the source of another person's smugness. it is actually emotionally debilitating to never be assured of his affections.

~*~
we were at the hospital today. my cousin was there too. and he said that i should see what's in front of me: kami nga.

okay, okay.

"all i really want to say
you're the reason i want to stay
but destiny is calling...
don't change, your plans for me..."

we've been talking. and we have discovered a facet of our sexual desires...he likes getting hurt, i like hurting others. hahaha. we're going at it again later, to see where all this leads. and if we never get anywhere plausible in the future, i will be happy we had these moments.

sabi ko naman sa iyo, hindi ako takot mawalan. hindi ako takot, pakawalan ka.

we both belong to different people. that being said, even from the very beginning...this affair was doomed to fail. and yet, the most beautiful things are those things which are doomed. i read that somewhere, but i can't find it now. anyways, i'm pretty happy about our status. i think the moment i liked you best so far was when i toasted to us: "para sa mga hindi mabubuking!"

hahahaha. i will thank you, someday. thank you properly.

ice packs/rm 4

when i said yesterday that we were getting somewhere, i didn't think that we'd move ever so quickly. character C invited me to have a drink with his friends last night. i obliged and subsequently got lost on my way to the place. his friends were asking about our status, etc. and i have to say this: i answered as truthfully as i could. towards the end of the evening, one of his friends suggested that we kiss in front of everyone. we couldn't really say that we haven't done that yet.

our first kiss happened at a vietnamese restaurant, in front of all his friends. if only they knew.

the look on his face after was priceless and i can't get it out of my head.

needless to say, we went home together; fucked around and now i have an ice pack on my neck.

hay.

as things escalate

watching a film about married life last night, we had a breakthrough. we talked about said breakthrough. said breakthrough was a physical one. so there. at first he was telling me he was not ready, he's been hurt...all that jazz. but this morning, things escalate as he tells me that we should keep things under wraps until the "proper time".

ohmyfuckingjesuslord.

it.is.going.somewhere.

i don't know whether i should be glad or if should run away as fast as i can.

here i am world! and i am getting what i want again!

*cringe*

but then again, he is good at being discreet...so no worries on that aspect.

today

well. it looks like we're headed somewhere. and that somewhere is not really some place i'd like to see for myself.

dizzy

my yellow handbag being carried. a hospital. an elephant. a head on a shoulder.

and the choices we make between conversations.
~*~
i know. i've told myself to let go. i've convinced myself that even if i can get what i want without making myself look bad, i will still not go and get what i want. i know that even if people think that i have done nothing wrong, i will know deep in my heart that i did; in fact, do something wrong. something hurtful.

and i've chosen to let him go. it's the only way for now.


and it is exactly, exactly how i feel. i'm letting you go now. you were the easier route, i know. the convenient route. i've asked myself if i'm settling by doing this, why i try so hard at one relationship when something easier and better is right within reach. i keep asking myself if i really should let you go. but you said so yourself, you do want to go.

flicker

lately, i've been far too busy to write anything on my blogs as well as write for other people...it sounds pretentious, but that's the bible truth. if i were to describe my personal life these past few weeks, i would have to say: humid and stormy. and if i had to describe my so-called academic life, i would have to say: falling apart.
amidst everything, i would also have to admit that i've allowed myself to have secret thoughts. these thoughts were not personal longings. rather, these were thoughts about reversing certain situations. long ago, i said on this blog (and on other blogs now that we're talking about it) that i have always had an inclination towards infidelity. it's not that i actually promote it, it's just that i always, always tend to do it. my reasons for doing so rarely matter, and most times these do not quantify as valid reasons. it has ranged from being sick and tired of le ole boyfriend to being left alone for a weekend. and there were times when i had no other reasons except that i just had to.
for most part of my life with richard, i have been faithful. when i say "for the most part", i do mean it. but i do have to admit that there have been certain characters and situations in the course of our story that do spell out infidelity on my part. but then again, what he will never find out will never come back again to haunt us. might haunt me, but never us.
this caveat in place, i will have to admit the content of these past few weeks' secret thoughts. a certain character C has taken a rather prominent role in my life. it wasn't a matter of need as of proximity. when you're with a certain person everyday, to such an extent as eating all meals together and sleeping in the same house with other people; one cannot help but feel close to that person. to my credit, i have tried to remain platonic with him, for everyone's sake. but sometimes, things are really out of one's hands. yes, i can say that i did help things/feelings go their natural course but not as much as i could have. the thing is, for the past weeks; i've been entertaining thoughts about ditching richard for C. but unlike my previous infidelities, i actually had a valid reason for this one! haha. i figured that i'd had enough struggling with my family to accept richard. instead of the daily struggle, i will now acquire a life partner whom they will accept. and these secret thoughts were not helped by C showing equal unabashed interest.
nevertheless, i resisted these thoughts with gallant efforts equal only to those knights fighting off the moors during the crusades. so far, i have kept these thoughts at bay. and thankfully, they have not been translated into action.
but what if, in an unguarded moment...i blurt them out to C?
no good will come out of it, i am sure. experience had taught me that relationships born out of infidelity almost never succeed, and if they do...they will forever be haunted by mistrust.

considering everything

the fact is, the only reason i'm pushing through with my trip to poland is my dire need for space. i need so much space that i have to hop on a 30 hour flight to get it. my mother has gone through my cabinets and found a pregnancy test kit thingy. she tells me she didn't do this intentionally...but why was she looking for the laptop in one of my cabinets thingies where it couldn't have fit? and if it was open (and i guess it was since i never lock the thing), how did she happen to "accidentally" look into it and discover a pregnancy test that was located in a not-so-accessible/not-so-obvious part of the cabinet?

i am baffled. truly baffled.

i was thinking about writing about this on my "rage" blog, but that wouldn't give this event justice. im just sick of not being able decide whether i like living with my mother or not. she's not very strict per se. but she can be really, really, really pushy. i know that i haven't been like her at all. and i know that i will never be near her personality, ever. but she has to stop insisting that she isn't comparing her twenty-ish self to me while constantly measuring me up with her moral meter. i've had enough of guilt trips. i've had enough "i stood by you but what did you do to repay me?" speeches.

and what sucks the most is, I DIDN'T EVEN REALLY DO ANYTHING!

while i would have stood by and taken the shit if i actually did something, this time round...i can honestly say that i really didn't do anything. sure i went out, but i texted way ahead of time. and that was all i did.

everything that has happened today makes me sorely tempted to just leave this house. i cannot stand this anymore. i just can't. she doesn't know what kind of pressure i am in right now. she doesn't understand that i'm fighting to get my semester over and done with right.

and i have a feeling that if i told her, she wouldn't really understand since she's never had trouble in school.

~*~
my god. i sound like a whiny teenager! sometimes, i can't be so mature when i'm being treated like a teenager.

hopefully, when i wake up later, i will be calmer. i might just slit my wrists if im not.

joke lang.
~*~
in other news...

pwede ko naman sabihing, 3 and 1/2 subejcts to go na lang! tapos na ang sem na ito! yehey! ^__^

Asiong, kamusta ka na?

natututuwa talaga ako sa blog na ito. wala kasi masyado nakaaalam na meron pala akong blogspot. palibhasa, ang pinangangalandakan ko parati ay ang livejournal ko. ok lang naman sa akin na walang comments sa blog na ito, kasi hindi naman dapat kalat na kalat sa sangkatauhan na andito nga ito.

pakshet. paano ko ba sisimulan 'to?

gaya ng karamihan ng tema ng mga nakasulat sa blog na ito, pag-ibig nanaman ang gusto kong i-discuss. hindi ko alam kung kung bakit tuwing naiisipan kong magsulat dito, naka-love mode ako. marahil, nakasanayan ko lang na pang love mode ito. nagsimula naman ang blog na ito dahil na-in love ako sa isang taong hindi ako pinahalagahan. kung mababasa niya ito (at may hinala akong mababasa niya ito dahil bukod sa may pagka-stalker siya ay isa siya sa tatlong taong alam na narito ang blog na ito) malamang sa malamang ay mag-protesta siya. sasabihin niya sa akin na mali ako, na nagkaroon naman ako ng halaga sa kanya at kung anu-ano pang chorva. pero kahit ano pa ang sabihin niya, may dalawang tumataginting na katotohanang hindi niya mapagkakaila. una, kahit kailan hindi niya ako minahal. pangalawa, naging napakadali para sa kanya na iwan ako. ay, may pangatlo pa pala. pangatlo, nasaktan ako ng todo ng tarantadong yun. kung iniisip mo na bitter pa ako sa mga nangyari noon, hindi naman. pero hindi ko mapagkakaila na paminsan-minsan (tulad ngayon), naiisip ko siya. pag naiisip ko siya, may dalawang bagay na maaring mangyari. una, may isang pamilyar, malamig at maliit na saksak na tumatagos sa puso ko. natitigilan ako kapag nangyayari yun. pangalawa, napapakunot ako ng noo sabay mura. hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit kahit na 2008 na ay may epekto pa sa akin ang mga bagay na nangyari noong 2005. siguro mahirap lang talaga makabangon kapag tinabunan ka ng kumunoy. aaminin ko, naiisip ko pa rin kung ano pa kaya ang nangyari kung nag-iba ang tingin niya sa akin o kaya naman kung hindi ko nakilala ang karelasyon ko ngayon. hindi naman sa mahal ko pa rin ang taong yun (tawagin natin siyang Asiong, inaksaya kasi niya ang pag-ibig ko....hayup!). hindi naman dahil may tunay akong panghihinayang sa pinakawalan ko. hindi yun eh. siguro, namimiss ko lang talaga siya. iba din talaga kasi ang samahan namin. palagay ko, kahit na nangungulila ako kay Asiong ngayong gabi hindi ibig sabihin noon na pag-gising ko bukas, proproblemahin ko pa siya. palagay ko, para ngayong gabi lang talaga ang pakiramdam ko.


kaya eto...

~*~
Mahal kong Asiong,
Kamusta ka na nga ba talaga? Marami akong nababasang pira-piraso tungkol sa iyo kung minsan kung dumadaan ako sa blog mo. Pilit kong ipinagkakabit-kabit ang mga pira-pirasong iyon para naman magkaroon ako ng ideya kung kamusta ka na nga ba talaga. Pero gaya ng maraming bagay na sinubukan kong kasama ka, hindi ako gaano nagtatagumpay. Hindi ko talaga alam kung kamusta ka na nga ba talaga, kung masaya ka ba o kung kinakaya mo pa ang mga palo ng buhay sa iyo. Pero gaya ng nakasanayan ko na, pilit kong sinusubukang humiling ng walang hanggang biyaya para sa iyo. Sinasabi ko rito na pilit kong sinusubukan dahil hanggang ngayon, hindi ko pa rin talaga maaring sabihin na talagang napatawad na kita. Pasensya ka na ha? Alam ko, inaasahan mong nakalimutan ko na ang usaping ito. Sa isang banda, nakalimutan na nga ito ng isip ko sa maraming paraan. Pero ang puso, madalas ay nahihirapang makalimot at magpatawad. Tuwing may nakikita akong gitara o pag nadadaan ako ng Tomas Morato o kaya naman kapag nanonood ako ng sine sa Gateway, hindi ko talaga mapigilan. May kumikirot pa rin sa aking puso. Ayaw ko naman talaga mangyari yun, pero parati talagang nangyayari. Hindi kita gusto guluhin, kaya nga dito na lang ako nagsusulat. Nais ko lang talaga maglabas ng sama ng loob. Alam mo, masakit talaga yung ginawa mo. Marami kang nagawa't nasabi pero sa madaling salita, ginamit mo lang talaga ako. Inabuso mo lang ang pagmamahal ko sa iyo. Wala na rin naman akong magagawa, pero gusto kong malaman mo ito. Kahit halos tatlong taon na ang nakalipas, kahit na nakahanap na ako ng magmamahal sa akin; putang ina mo hindi pa rin kita napapatawad talaga. Ngayon ko lang inamin sa sarili ko ito talaga dahil pilit kong ipinapakita sa mundo na mabait ako at mapagpatawad. Pero mahirap maging mabait kapag katulad mong tarandato ang pinag-uusapan. Pasensya ka na't hanggang ngayon may kinikimkim pa rin akong galit sa iyo. Marahil, kapag nabasa mo ito magugulat ka't magagalit rin sa akin. Sa usaping iyon, wala akong pakialam. May sarili ka namang blog, dun ka magngingit sa galit. Pero alam mo, kahit galit ako sa iyo, hinahanap-hanap din kitang gago ka. Hindi ko alam kung bakit. Matagal ka nang wala sa buhay ko. Pero dahil pakalat-kalat pa rin ako sa mga lugar kung saan tayo naglalagi noon, naalala kita parati. Baka ganoon lang talaga. Kailangan ko lang ng "change of scenery" ika nga ng iba. Kahit na nangungulila ako sa iyo, ayaw ko namang imbitahin kang bumalik sa buhay ko. Ito ay isang masakit na kabalintunaan. Ayaw ko nang bumalik ka pa sa buhay ko dahil wala akong tiwala sa iyo. Alam kong sasaktan mo lang ako ulit. Sana balang araw, maintindihan mo ito: may mga bagay na kapag nasira mo na, hindi mo na maayos at hindi mo na maaring palitan. Wala ka nang magagawa upang maibalik ang mga bagay na pinakawalan mo. Tulad ko, wala ka nang magagawa para bumalik pa ako sa iyo. Hindi lang dahil ayoko na, pero dahil alam kong hindi ko na kaya.

Asiong, sana maging tunay kang masaya. Masaya rin naman ako at alam kong mas magiging masaya ako kapag tuluyan ko nang nalimutan ang kawalanghiyaang ginawa mo sa akin.
~*~

after the storm

it's been two years since i last wrote in this blog. and i guess it's time i wrote in it again. the reasons why i stopped writing here are long gone and forgotten. rather, he is long gone and forgotten. so here i am again, writing here in the midst of my academic hell week. somehow, i always get the time to write on my blogs when i least have the time.

welcome back, blog. we've been through so much.

the river runs forth

the river has sprung free.

and this blog will never be updated again.

undecided

there is a river that runs deep in the heart of the earth. for centuries it has been happy in the cool bed rock. but today the river has changed its mind and changed its course. it wishes to be one with the sea, the sea out there.
the earth will not set the river free. the river pounds and pounds on the earth's crust. it cries out desperately: "set me free! i want to see the surface for myself!"
but the earth remains silent, stubborn and unyielding. it will not let the river go for secretly, it hoped that the river would flow within it forever.
but the river only wishes to be free.

the river weeps as it pounds continously on the earth. it weeps for chances it lost. it weeps for the sea that it has not seen. and it weeps because secretly, it does not want to live without the captivity. it does not want to be without the earth.

toss coin

and you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
or the moment the truth in you lies
when everything feels like the movies
yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive

when everything's made to be broken
i just want you to know who i am...

-iris, goo goo dolls

it's been a while since i've taken a breather. and all my efforts feel so futile. my relationships always go to hell and well, apparently my degree wants to take that ride with it. which would be alright if i hadn't tried to hard to keep things in check. i haven't felt well in weeks. i've been swinging from "im getting well but not yet" to "oh god, im so fucking sick". maybe it's because i have been so stressed lately. and there's no point in convincing myself otherwise.

i keep on thinking. just thinking. i keep on analyzing my life. and most of all, i keep on trying to make a decision that i don't want to make but have to. i feel trapped. i feel like i have to put on a face that im happy. the mere fact that im posting this here and not on my LJ (where i have i think more than 70 friends) suggests that i don't want to make my helplesness common knowledge. maybe because i've always been too proud to admit that i am a helpless little girl. that im on the losing side of things today. and that i need someone to hug.

i want to toss a coin. to see if i should still do this or not. it's been hard holding back all these months.

delubyo

ito na. ito na ang hinihintay ko.
ito na ang delubyo.

mananatili akong nakatayo hanggang matangay sa wakas.

at sa wakas, mamamatay ako.

stiff

it's so hard when life smacks back at you. this afternoon, i was talking to my team mate. nothing much, actually. general things that most people know bits and pieces of. then, as i was making my exit to rush to enta...i told her: "i still love him." i smiled my ass off, but as i was walking back to RMT, i kept on crying.

i want to run away. run till i don't see anything that reminds me of you. run till my lungs burst out. i just don't want to admit defeat because i always thought that no matter what, i would win this fight. that i'd get over this. but too many things remind me of you. and i still have that urge to call you up/ask you for a hug/whine to you when things upset me. it's just that this time around, i fight that urge with all my might. this time around, i can't depend on you for support.

because you're gone. and because you never wanted to be here, with me.

~*~
and to YOU. thank you for never asking me to give what you knew was beyond me. thank you for giving me enough space to move around and grow. and thank you for being so unlike him.

~*~
super bad day today. i want to be hugged. but im alone in this house.

procastination

i've been procastinating about too many things. im less than 48 hours away from my history of political theory mid terms and i haven't actually studied. im close to having a decent relationship with ****, but i've been putting it off for weeks now. and it doesn't help that i have too many farking things to do and i don't want to move at all. i just want to sit somewhere and stare at stuff. i want to fall asleep. just fall asleep. or maybe ask myself questions till nothing makes sense anymore. but i hafta study. i really need to study.

i keep on telling myself that i can't possibly fall in love because im tired of loving. but i know that somehow, little by little...my heart is giving way. when in gives way completely, i'll be dead by then.

kung mamatay ako

parang gusto kong magpakamatay.

in church this morning, i heard about a fifth grade student who tried to commit suicide by jumping off his school building. it was very disturbing. what is more disturbing (for me, at least) is that when i look back, i also attempted suicide when i was in fifth grade. although, i was a sissy and i just drank lysol and baygon.

but still.

it's disturbing nonetheless.

im at a point in my life where i can't see anything clearly anymore on a more personal level. and it's depressing. i feel that i've lost whatever cloak of goodness i had about me. im so tired. im so fucking tired.

but at least now i know that it is possible for someone to suck the life out of you. funny how it has happened to me several times before (but not quite like this) and i still thought that all the life i had in me would stay dancing.

well. apparently, whatever notions i've had of myself aren't true at all. i am not an overflowing well of happiness and optimism. i cannot love and just love. i cannot forgive. and neither can i forget anything. and im not as strong as i seem.

im weak. and today, i whither and surrender.

masakit lang talaga, masakit.

song in my head...

suspension

Lately I’m alright
And lately I’m not scared
I figured out, that what you do to me
Feels like, I’m floating on air

I don’t need to know right now
All I know is, I believe
In the very thing that got us here
And now I can't leave

Say anything, but, say what you mean
Cause I’m caught in suspension

Now, I’m wanting this for sure
And I’ll beg for nothing more
I’ll plan all day and drive all night
You’ll love what’s in store

I cant seem to stop this now
Even if it's not so clear
And I'll take what I can get
If you want me here (If you want me here)

Say anything
But, say what you mean
When you whisper you want this
Your eyes tell the same
We are gaining speed
I can barely breathe
Cause I’m caught in suspension

It’s enough for me to get excited
Is enough for me to feel well
Whoa, whoa... whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa

Say anything
But, say what you mean
When you whisper you want this
(Your eyes tell the same)
We are gaining speed (Suspension)
I can barely breathe (Oh, I can barely breathe)
Cause I’m caught in suspension (Suspension)
I’m caught in suspension

Say anything (Say Anything, Suspension)
But, say what you mean (Oh, I can barely breathe)
I’m caught in suspension (Suspension)
I’m caught in suspension
We are gaining speed (Suspension)
I can barely breathe (Oh, I can barely breathe)
Cause I’m caught in suspension (Suspension)
I’m caught in suspension

Say anything (Say Anything, Suspension)
But say what you mean (Oh, I can barely breathe)
I’m caught in suspension

~*~
i should get a copy of this song sometime. TIME. if only i had more time on my hands. i feel that the universe is conspiring so that i'd be forced to grow up, finally. i was talking to one of my oldest college friends earlier and we both agreed that life has made us grow up before our time. we experienced things way ahaed of our time. and now, we're grovelling. we're desperately trying to hang on to the little peter pan experiences that we had.

i think im having senior's syndrome THIS farking early. im beginning to appreciate cameras and camwhoring. im beginning to see the changes ateneo has gone through. the changes me and my blockmates have gone through. the new faces in the pub room. everything.

and for the first time in my life, im actually sad that i lived/live with such rapidity. i changed loves, perpectives, clothing preferences, hair styles, orgs, commitments without hesitation. i believed in change, in trying out everything. i believed that i had all the time in the world.

now i just wish i could be at a stand still. everything goes by so fast.
~*~
lifemeter:

• people i called the love of my life:1
• people i have loved: 3
• boyfriends: 8
• girlfriends: 2
• relationships: 14
• broken hearts: 2
• instances of excruciating pain: 1
• chances at taking drugs: more than i can count
• cigarettes smoked: more than 700 sticks, i think
• bottles of beer consumed: more than 200
• bottles of vodka consumed: approx. 25
• tequila shots: about 25
• friends: 100
• best friends: 5
• enemies: 1
• regrets: 0
  

imagined freedoms

in light with the political turmoil our country has been going through, i have found myself wondering if the Philippines would ever have a break. i think that i have seen the best and the worst of situations in the Philippines (having been part of a relatively middle class family, being private school bred, having spent time in urban and rural poor communities, going from reservist of the AFP to UG activist, going from Mendiola to Starbuck's) and i've always thought that the main problem was always the fragmented sense of nationalism that each Filipino has.

although i do believe that every Filipino, no matter how cynical he may be of our current political climate does want something better for this country, each one of us have defined for ourselves concepts of this nation without taking much consideration for the greater picture. and somehow, fraternal and fillial bonds hold much more hold on us as a people than the motherland's grasp.

and our president is not above all these. from day one, there has always been suspicion about her motives. and even if in EDSA 2 she seemed like the best alternative to Erap, her pronouncements and subsequent actions (declaring that she wouldn't run in the May polls THEN running anyway) suggest a clear void in her morals. how one person, a supposely intelligent and moral one; could easily be swayed to break promises is beyond me. moreso, how one who alledgedly has faith in the Filipino people and its capabilities should see it necessary to call up a COMELEC official for fear of fraud is odd.

her actions and words don't add up at all. and as someone who believes that the Philippines deserves a leader with integrity i feel sad that we have Mrs. Arroyo for a president. someone who has murdered and cheated millions of Filipinos, here and abroad through her Gestapo like measures deftly cloathed in reforms and laws with pretty words.

----------

hindi kailangan ng bansang ito ang pandurugas. hindi kailangan ng mga Pilipino ng isang pinunong yumuyurak sa kalayaan na nararapat lamang na matamasa sa ilalim ng democrasya. ngayon ang panahon upang mag-aklas. Pilipinas, gumising na.

starting over

and i can see the pain in you
and i can see the love in you
fighting all the demons will take time, will take time.
-angels or devils, dishwalla

last monday's drinking spree left you and me alone. drinking once more. drinking because we knew we wouldn't get drunk anyway. and we both had scores to settle. and im not sure if the games we played that night really counted. but for all it's worth, i wanted them to. i wanted to start a mad dance with you, even if we could have died from dancing. even if we would never be happy again for the rest of our lives, i wanted that moment. that mad dance into oblivion.

but that was just me. im not sure if you wanted the same thing. from what you told me, you wanted a slow and steady walk into oblivion. i was never sure of anything with regards to you. except the fact that you would always be there when my world ceased to exist. when he left me, when i left him, when we left each other. i have no other ideas about you. except that im desperately trying to hang on to her to keep myself from falling in love with you.

to do, what to do? one, i stay with her. fuck her. be there for her. cook for her and do her laundry. and we will live happily ever after. two, i leave her and search you out again. and when i do find you, collapse in your arms. and then we will fight like nothing else. but i will love you and you will love me. and of course, we shall drink and drink and drink...and smoke and smoke and smoke.

decisions are hard to make when either way you go, you will hurt someone you care for.

but im starting over. im staring at these words im typing out and i keep on telling myself: im starting over, im starting over.

timothy

you have hurt me more than anyone else i've met in my whole life. i will never understand why. but i also have hurt you. and im sorry for everything i've said. nothing matters now. i may never be ready to be friends again, but i want you to know...

verdict: forgiven beyond any reasonable doubt.

life is too short to be bitter for long.