procastination

i've been procastinating about too many things. im less than 48 hours away from my history of political theory mid terms and i haven't actually studied. im close to having a decent relationship with ****, but i've been putting it off for weeks now. and it doesn't help that i have too many farking things to do and i don't want to move at all. i just want to sit somewhere and stare at stuff. i want to fall asleep. just fall asleep. or maybe ask myself questions till nothing makes sense anymore. but i hafta study. i really need to study.

i keep on telling myself that i can't possibly fall in love because im tired of loving. but i know that somehow, little by little...my heart is giving way. when in gives way completely, i'll be dead by then.

kung mamatay ako

parang gusto kong magpakamatay.

in church this morning, i heard about a fifth grade student who tried to commit suicide by jumping off his school building. it was very disturbing. what is more disturbing (for me, at least) is that when i look back, i also attempted suicide when i was in fifth grade. although, i was a sissy and i just drank lysol and baygon.

but still.

it's disturbing nonetheless.

im at a point in my life where i can't see anything clearly anymore on a more personal level. and it's depressing. i feel that i've lost whatever cloak of goodness i had about me. im so tired. im so fucking tired.

but at least now i know that it is possible for someone to suck the life out of you. funny how it has happened to me several times before (but not quite like this) and i still thought that all the life i had in me would stay dancing.

well. apparently, whatever notions i've had of myself aren't true at all. i am not an overflowing well of happiness and optimism. i cannot love and just love. i cannot forgive. and neither can i forget anything. and im not as strong as i seem.

im weak. and today, i whither and surrender.

masakit lang talaga, masakit.

song in my head...

suspension

Lately I’m alright
And lately I’m not scared
I figured out, that what you do to me
Feels like, I’m floating on air

I don’t need to know right now
All I know is, I believe
In the very thing that got us here
And now I can't leave

Say anything, but, say what you mean
Cause I’m caught in suspension

Now, I’m wanting this for sure
And I’ll beg for nothing more
I’ll plan all day and drive all night
You’ll love what’s in store

I cant seem to stop this now
Even if it's not so clear
And I'll take what I can get
If you want me here (If you want me here)

Say anything
But, say what you mean
When you whisper you want this
Your eyes tell the same
We are gaining speed
I can barely breathe
Cause I’m caught in suspension

It’s enough for me to get excited
Is enough for me to feel well
Whoa, whoa... whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa

Say anything
But, say what you mean
When you whisper you want this
(Your eyes tell the same)
We are gaining speed (Suspension)
I can barely breathe (Oh, I can barely breathe)
Cause I’m caught in suspension (Suspension)
I’m caught in suspension

Say anything (Say Anything, Suspension)
But, say what you mean (Oh, I can barely breathe)
I’m caught in suspension (Suspension)
I’m caught in suspension
We are gaining speed (Suspension)
I can barely breathe (Oh, I can barely breathe)
Cause I’m caught in suspension (Suspension)
I’m caught in suspension

Say anything (Say Anything, Suspension)
But say what you mean (Oh, I can barely breathe)
I’m caught in suspension

~*~
i should get a copy of this song sometime. TIME. if only i had more time on my hands. i feel that the universe is conspiring so that i'd be forced to grow up, finally. i was talking to one of my oldest college friends earlier and we both agreed that life has made us grow up before our time. we experienced things way ahaed of our time. and now, we're grovelling. we're desperately trying to hang on to the little peter pan experiences that we had.

i think im having senior's syndrome THIS farking early. im beginning to appreciate cameras and camwhoring. im beginning to see the changes ateneo has gone through. the changes me and my blockmates have gone through. the new faces in the pub room. everything.

and for the first time in my life, im actually sad that i lived/live with such rapidity. i changed loves, perpectives, clothing preferences, hair styles, orgs, commitments without hesitation. i believed in change, in trying out everything. i believed that i had all the time in the world.

now i just wish i could be at a stand still. everything goes by so fast.
~*~
lifemeter:

• people i called the love of my life:1
• people i have loved: 3
• boyfriends: 8
• girlfriends: 2
• relationships: 14
• broken hearts: 2
• instances of excruciating pain: 1
• chances at taking drugs: more than i can count
• cigarettes smoked: more than 700 sticks, i think
• bottles of beer consumed: more than 200
• bottles of vodka consumed: approx. 25
• tequila shots: about 25
• friends: 100
• best friends: 5
• enemies: 1
• regrets: 0
  

imagined freedoms

in light with the political turmoil our country has been going through, i have found myself wondering if the Philippines would ever have a break. i think that i have seen the best and the worst of situations in the Philippines (having been part of a relatively middle class family, being private school bred, having spent time in urban and rural poor communities, going from reservist of the AFP to UG activist, going from Mendiola to Starbuck's) and i've always thought that the main problem was always the fragmented sense of nationalism that each Filipino has.

although i do believe that every Filipino, no matter how cynical he may be of our current political climate does want something better for this country, each one of us have defined for ourselves concepts of this nation without taking much consideration for the greater picture. and somehow, fraternal and fillial bonds hold much more hold on us as a people than the motherland's grasp.

and our president is not above all these. from day one, there has always been suspicion about her motives. and even if in EDSA 2 she seemed like the best alternative to Erap, her pronouncements and subsequent actions (declaring that she wouldn't run in the May polls THEN running anyway) suggest a clear void in her morals. how one person, a supposely intelligent and moral one; could easily be swayed to break promises is beyond me. moreso, how one who alledgedly has faith in the Filipino people and its capabilities should see it necessary to call up a COMELEC official for fear of fraud is odd.

her actions and words don't add up at all. and as someone who believes that the Philippines deserves a leader with integrity i feel sad that we have Mrs. Arroyo for a president. someone who has murdered and cheated millions of Filipinos, here and abroad through her Gestapo like measures deftly cloathed in reforms and laws with pretty words.

----------

hindi kailangan ng bansang ito ang pandurugas. hindi kailangan ng mga Pilipino ng isang pinunong yumuyurak sa kalayaan na nararapat lamang na matamasa sa ilalim ng democrasya. ngayon ang panahon upang mag-aklas. Pilipinas, gumising na.

starting over

and i can see the pain in you
and i can see the love in you
fighting all the demons will take time, will take time.
-angels or devils, dishwalla

last monday's drinking spree left you and me alone. drinking once more. drinking because we knew we wouldn't get drunk anyway. and we both had scores to settle. and im not sure if the games we played that night really counted. but for all it's worth, i wanted them to. i wanted to start a mad dance with you, even if we could have died from dancing. even if we would never be happy again for the rest of our lives, i wanted that moment. that mad dance into oblivion.

but that was just me. im not sure if you wanted the same thing. from what you told me, you wanted a slow and steady walk into oblivion. i was never sure of anything with regards to you. except the fact that you would always be there when my world ceased to exist. when he left me, when i left him, when we left each other. i have no other ideas about you. except that im desperately trying to hang on to her to keep myself from falling in love with you.

to do, what to do? one, i stay with her. fuck her. be there for her. cook for her and do her laundry. and we will live happily ever after. two, i leave her and search you out again. and when i do find you, collapse in your arms. and then we will fight like nothing else. but i will love you and you will love me. and of course, we shall drink and drink and drink...and smoke and smoke and smoke.

decisions are hard to make when either way you go, you will hurt someone you care for.

but im starting over. im staring at these words im typing out and i keep on telling myself: im starting over, im starting over.

timothy

you have hurt me more than anyone else i've met in my whole life. i will never understand why. but i also have hurt you. and im sorry for everything i've said. nothing matters now. i may never be ready to be friends again, but i want you to know...

verdict: forgiven beyond any reasonable doubt.

life is too short to be bitter for long.

forces of logic

to whom it may concern:

you know who you are. i know you know. i also know what you did. it's a shame i even found out. what a great way to show me how important i am to you. put me on stealth, why don't you. i don't know what to say. i thought we were friends. great friends. close friends.

but then again, this won't be the first time in my life that i was wrong about you.

i was wrong about you, i was so wrong.

i've been here for you through everything. and today's pleasant discovery has shown me what all of those times meant to you...

NOTHING.

maybe im over reacting. but it doesn't matter now, does it? because when things DID matter, when things blatantly mattered...you couldn't care less. you didn't give a flying fuck.

im disappointed in myself.

why?

because i fooled myself into thinking i was worth anything to you.

good luck with everything.

and...

um gehen zum bumser.

lastiko

pakiramdam ko, naghahabol ako ng hangin. paikot-ikot lang ako sa isang malaking palayan...paikot-ikot sa mga gusali sa siyudad. basta, paikot-ikot lang. hindi na ako sigurado sa sarili ko. kanina, masaya naman ako. pero ngayon, tila isang halimaw ang kumitil sa mga nalalabi ko pang lakas, sa nalalabi ko pang tuwa.

ikaw ang halimaw.

alam ko iyon. pero may mga halimaw naman na napagkakatiwalaan. palagay ko, alam ko na kung bakit halos walang nakaiintindi sa uri ng relasyon natin. kasi tayo mismo sa mga sarili natin, hindi natin ito naiintindihan.

galit ako sa iyo. hindi dahil may mga bagay na pinili mong ilayo sa mga mata ko. hindi dahil may mga bulong na hindi nakarating sa mga tenga ko. galit ako sa iyo dahil napakabilis lang para sa iyo na isawalangtabi ang kahit anong bagay. kahit nasambit mo na noon na mahalaga ang bagay na iyon sa iyo, napakabilis mong bumitaw. napakatulin mong maglakbay. noon ko pa alam yan, na hindi kita talaga masasabayan. ngunit ngayon ko lang talaga naramdaman ang pagiging matulin mo. marahil ay ganoon talaga. mayroong mga taong nangunguna't mabilis na nakaaalis at mayroon naman naiiwang nakatayo habang nanonood.

manonood na lang ako.

sabi ko sa iyo kanina. pakiramdam ko, isa akong lastiko at ikaw isang batang sinusubukan ang lakas ng lastiko. susubukan ito ng bata hanggang bumigay ang lastiko. walang magagawa ang lastiko. nasa kamay siya ng yaong bata. walang kapangyarihan, wala kahit anupaman. naroon lamang siya, sa kamay ng batang iyon. nag-aantay ng huling paghila hanggang sa kumawala.

napakarami ko nang nasabi sa iyo. napakarami nang oras ang iginugol ko para malaman mong hindi ka kailanman nag-iisa. ngunit may mga bagay na sadyang may kapalarang masayang. tulad ng mga patid na lastikong itinatapon ng mga bata sa daan sa ilalim ng init ng araw.

when standing still...just isn't enough

so emo moment na naman ba?

~*~
today is supposed to be like all the other days i've had. not that nothing ever happens in my life. that's not it at all. it's more like, a lot happens in my life. and many of those things that happen in my life don't concern you at all. actually, up till this morning i haven't even thought about you.

why?

because the last time i saw you (and this was a few months back, i think) you were an inconsiderate bastard. that and i had so many other things on my mind. there was jason. there was timothy. and now presently, there is kevin. relationships, all of which i fucked up quite wonderfully. i didn't even have to try that hard to mess everything up. i just did. i think im gifted in messing up people's lives, hands down...im the winner.

but let's not talk about that now.

what pisses me off is YOU. suddenly appearing out of nowhere. waltzing back into my life like you weren't the inconsiderate bastard that you were before. and just because im too nice to tell you that yes, i seriously think you are an inconsiderate bastard, doesn't mean you aren't.

me not talking about it doesn't mean it's not there.

im not sure where you missed the message. but when i fucking walked out on you that night in galle...dude, i fucking meant it. and don't tell me to be a good christian and forget about the whole thing. because i think there are certain degrees of fuckwittage that the good Lord allows...and this isn't one of them. im sure He will understand if im not really keen on seeing you again.

why?

it's because being with you makes me doubt why im a protestant in the first place. it makes me rethink what i believe in, in a really really bad way. i ask myself: "if being a christian protestant means love and kindness and you're supposedly one with great faith and such...why o why are you SUCH AN ASSHOLE???!!!"

and why do you have to be so friggin hypocritical about everything? and why do you want to change who i am??

i've had enough boy problems in the past. do me a favor, GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME.

~*~
That being said, i want to skip the rage and move on to the melodrama. in a fit of utter dismay and/or annoyance...as of 2045 H yesterday...kevy has walked out me.

i dunno. and yes, i didn't do anything to stop him. i just stood there. looking stupidly at the falling rain in RMT. i was trying to count the actual raindrops forming from the sky or something.

why didn't i do anything?

it's because it is about time i let him go. i've been keeping him for too long. and for what? im not sure. i have to admit, someone to run to was definitely a thought. and although i've become so used to him and such...i don't miss him at all.

i don't miss him because i never loved him.

and it's really hard to miss things/people you don't even remotely love.

and yet, i feel that standing still wasn't enough. im not sure what i should have done or what i could have done...but im pretty sure i could have done something else other than just stand there, stupified. but i guess all things will work out for the best.

i will always trust the benevolent spirit..because it tells me there is nothing, absolutely nothing to be afraid of.

*sigh

~*~
im sorry. for making your life more complicated. and for not being who you needed. i hope life gives you everything you need. and i hope when i see you again on campus, you won't have an urge to hack me to death. im so sorry.

...

it's official. yesterday was the worst birthday ever.

trauma shots

sometimes, i just can't help but be myself. sure i try to make myself up when i face people i have to impress or people i don't particularly like. but among friends, i am just myself. recent events though have made me contemplate.
is it just me, or should i be hiding my craziness a little better? it's not that i currently have no friends anymore due to my craziness. in fact, it seems to amuse most people i meet. but i think i maybe be getting too fucking spontaneous. maybe, im too spontaneous for my own good. and needless to say, im too stubborn for my own good. when i see something i want, im determined to get it no matter what. im not a quitter. and of course i never really do run away from anything. i guess it's because i've been living my life with this thought: life is indeed too short. as an answer to this, i sought to make the most out of every situation. i cried my heart out when i needed to cry. i laughed my lungs out when i needed to laugh.and i forgave, no matter how hard it was to do it.
i did everything with a certain drive.
and this certain drive is driving him insane.
i know that we will never agree on many things. but i was/still am willing to make a compromise. i mean, life is too short (again i say that) to not make room for change. life is too fleeting to not accomodate people you care dearly for. i want a compromise. but apparently, he doesn't see it as possible. there are no grey areas in his world. while mine is full of those. i dunno what to do anymore. i don't know whether he's being a fuckwit or im being unreasonable again. this relationship isn't what i ordered, but when push came to shove...admittedly i fucked up. but i think i should be given a little credit for trying to fix things. and when it came to that point of fuckwittage, i was the one suffering.
o great.
so what's a girl to do?
simple.
find someone else to fuck.

after all, what is life if you don't fuck and be fucked in return?

mass hysteria

im so fucking tired. of every step i took to lead to this place. i don't know what i want anymore. and today, i don't give a flying fuck anymore. once again, my plans have been blown up into oblivion. but hey, what am i complaining about anyway? given that a. my plans weren't perfect and b. i've messed up other people's plans before and i expected them to live with it.


o god.



anyways, i think i should stay away from this whole transparency thing. i hate hiding things from people i care about...but there are some things that are best kept from them. goldfishy, you know what i mean.



*nervous laughter



i hope it'll be alright. and i hope i can get away and fix my life asap. because being like this isn't exactly helping anyone at all. and im not about to stay in this place of helplesness.i am not a little helpless girl, at times i seem to be...but im not.

nasasaktan ako...bumalik ka rito

if you ever get to read this. know that i feel terrible about the whole ordeal. and i feel regret. deep regret. i know you may never talk to me...and you may want to annihilate me from the face of this planet...but hear me out. i know that im not as monogamous as i should be...as i've been sorta entertaining you and such. but the thing is, i didnt expect you to stick to me. and of course, i cant stick to u all the time. i dunno. im sorry that we view relationships differently. im sorry you don't agree with how i feel. where i stand.

but please, stop ignoring me. i said i was sorry. i said i was wrong. i know what i did can't be undone. but please understand...i wasn't playing you for a fool. i was being my happy self.

please come back.

i miss u.

~*~
i lost someone important to me today. director punongbayan passed away today. he was my dad's mentor when my dad was still studying geology in UP. i got to meet him in the DOST caravan thingy...and he was telling me all sorts of stories about my dad. this indeed, is a sad day.

~*~
i sad. im productive. outwardly, im happy...chipper. but inside...im missing too many people. oh, and supposedly, ren and i would have been half a decade last sunday. shet.

rotc and then some

training is hard.

being a commissioned officer is hard.

and hurting someone who cares so much for you, is harder still.

im sorry i blew it.

and now, you won't take me back.

jello shots

for most part of it..
it was ok...
he was going way too fast
with all the lip action, but it was ok.

shet.

hindi ako lasing nun.
hindi din sha lasing nun.
we were two rational adult beings.
and yet, we acted like teenagers on a hormonal rampage.

there was a choice there.
and at around two am this morning, i made a choice.
and i closed my eyes.
and that was that.

he moved my arm towards his neck.
i was surprised.
i was amused.
and i followed his lead.

and everyone else
in the condo.
just sat there watching.

o god. why the hell did i do that?
i didn't even really know pao.

oh kevy, im so sorry.
im sorry.
i fucked it up again.

....

im mad.

i don't understand.

Jess tulong.

moments of uncertainty

*deep breathing in progress.

i have no friggin idea where my life is headed. for the first time in years, i have no idea where my life is headed. yes, there are the solid college plans, the double major...the law school that comes after it...the women's studies masters that comes after law school...the national defense college that comes after that...i have those...but they seem so empty.

basta, ang labo ng lahat bigla. kahit hindi halata na i absolutely have no idea what to do with my life, i really don't know what to do with it.

im going to the states in a few weeks, if all goes well. and i may never come back. question is, what would i do there? i don't want to be there, but certain situations and problems require me to be there. this is going to be the hardest decision of my life.

and there is days. i love days. i love the people there...and if i go to the states, i will have to say goodbye to days...and i've only staffed once. that's so hard for me, because i want to staff more. sana the day will come when i can staff without the discomfort of being near a ticking bomb.

i have tried my best to be a good person and to forgive. i have tried to love with abandon, and i did. i tried to be bitter, but Jess knows that i can't really do that. there are so many things to be thankful for. and i am thankful beyond compare.

BIL.

Jess,
una sa lahat, salamat sa lakas na ipinagkaloob mo sa akin sa nakalipas na linggo. alam natin pareho kung gaano kasakit at kahirap para sa akin ang pumunta sa A28. pero sabi ko sa iyo, gagawin ko, kasi para sa iyo e. kaya nagpakalakas ako, nagpakatapang. para kayanin ang batch. umiiyak ako sa inyo noong unang gabi, kasi hirap na hirap ako noon. sabi ko sa iyo, Jess, konting lakas pa...kailangan ko talaga. hindi ko mapigilan sarili ko. iyak ako nang iyak at hindi ako makatulog. hindi mo naman ako iniwan, hindi naman ako nabigo. binigyan mo pa ako ng mga kasama. salamat Jess, salamat talaga.
ngayon Jess may kailangan pa sana ako. kailangan ko ng tatag. kailangan ko na kasi mag-move on ng todo. para sa susunod na batch hindi na ganun kahirap ang sitwasyon ko. hindi ko alam Jess kung tama ba 'tong ginagawa ko na iniiwasan ko siya. pero wala na akong ibang maisip na paraan. hindi ko alam kung tama ba itong pag-iwas na rin sa iba. pero wala din akong ibang naisip na gawin. so yun, kailangan ko ng tatag.
pinakahuli, sana Jess maging masaya na siya. kasi yoon talaga ang gusto ko para sa kanya, kahit noon pa. wala akong pakialam kung masaktan pa ako ulit, basta maging masaya lang siya. samahan nyo po siya sa bawat araw...lalo na kung nahihirapan siya. kasi Jess, hindi ko kaya samahan pa siya kung saan man siya pupunta. paki-ingatan na lang para sa akin. at sana balang araw, mapagtanto niya kung gaano siya kaimportante sa akin.

amen.

hhmmm....

ok, so ganito. nalilito nanaman ako. nagulat ako sa sinabi niya. marahil, naive lang talaga ako. that or, as usual i am in utter denial. ewan.

i want to think that things will be alright between us. i mean, hindi naman masagwa yung nangyari sa amin. kumpara sa ibang nangyari sa aking mala-telenovelang love life, that is... it's just that i feel that im not ready for him and therefore, lolokohin ko lang sha kung sasabihin ko sa kanya na, oo mahal ko rin sha. kasi yun ang point. i can't be with someone i just like and don't love. sure, if i were still in high school and i didn't know any better, i would be with him now. but im not in high school anymore and things have drastically changed since then. at ayaw ko na ng mga relasyon na wala namang basehan. at kung meron, ang basehan nito ay puros kasinungalingan.

ayon nga sa Queer as Folk...

"love is just an excuse straight people give to get laid. and they end up hurting each other because the relationship was based on lies, to begin with."

iniisip ko tuloy. baka naman sinabi lang niya yun to get in my pants. putang inang yan. im sorry, i just can't help but be suspiscious. ewan.

*breathe...

oh well...ano pa nga ba magagawa ko? tapos na e. well, all i can do now is hope that he will be alright. doesn't matter now, if we will ever be friends again. what matters to me is he will get over whatever i unconsciously and consciously inflicted upon him. and yes, i miss him like hell.

punyetaaaaa....

/sobs

normal

things are going to be normal.

*breathe

cigarette butts

i know that what we have itsn't ideal at all. and i never thought it would become ideal. so why o why do you want it to be ideal???

i don't get it. i thought you liked things as they are. i liked them. why the hell do you want to change whatever we have? you knew where i was coming from...you knew the whole story. you knew i wasn't ready for anything other than what i could offer you. i made that clear from the very beginning. and i don't want to talk about changing anything. i like things as they are. please stop trying to make me change my mind. i liked you enough to make out with you...don't ask me to commit. please. a commitment is the last thing i need now. i have too many things to do.

and stop implying that you can't trust me because im not chinese. race was never an issue between us before. why should it matter now? is it because now you think there could be something more?

im telling you. i just can't do it. i care enough to be honest with you. and i can't do what you want me to do. i can't think the way you want me to think. we never agreed on everything. stop trying to make me agree to every goddamned word you say. it won't work. im my own person. just stop this nonesense.

goddammit...and i thought things would be better with you.

putang ina.