The Very Personal Top Ten

(Continued)

The last recent peace-making effort was from (again) character c (on full throttle, no doubt). At another social gathering, he called me over while he was talking to Kidney; someone who had betrayed me (and him!). I came over and character c was prompting me to converse with the traitorous bastard. It went like this...

Kidney: "Galit ka pa ba sa akin?" (Are you still mad at me?)
Me: "I have to be honest with you, yes I am still mad.

What followed was an unfeeling conversation about people Kidney and I both knew and a silent ride home with character c.

This is my point: "I like being true to myself and others. I don't like making phony conversations with people I'd rather ignore. Stop trying to make me bury the hatchet. I like my hatchets within reach, thank you."

#6 Drinking One Too Many Slushy Drinks

Due to all of the paper-pushing I've been doing lately, I have been thirstier than usual. 711, McDonalds and Starbucks have all made money from my slush-drink cravings. I think it's a bad sign. I now need paralyzing cold to jump start my brain.

Hurrah for sugar, ice and all things nice.

Drinks of choice:
1. Bumbulbee Slurpee
2. Dunkin' Donuts Coffee Iceblast
3. Mcdo Milk Shakes
4. Starbucks Iced Caramel Mocha

#5 Discovering better places to eat

All that traveling makes me a hungry girl. Though I usually hate eating fast food, I have found great alternatives. One such is PinoyDon at the Podium. Its fusion menu; with both Japanese and Filipino influences is sure to satisfy any one's cravings. Their expansive menu has Bangus in tempura batter with Teriyaki sauce, Tortang Talong Maki, Adobo-inspired Katsudons and more. Top it with a serving of their one of a kind green tea ice cream, you've got one of the best meals in the Ortigas area.

A runner up would be, New Bombay at the Columns, Makati. This Indian resto also has an expansive menu; friendly to vegetarians, meat lovers and dieters alike. Whether you want to carbo load with its meat and potatoes-esque meals or have a light lunch with a serving of nan bread and Yogurt shake; this is a resto that gives you what you need for the day.

#4. Palawan, my long awaited beach trip

Summer came über late for me. But late this July, I finally...finally got to the beach. Good thing it was sunny in Palawan even if it was storming in Manila.

#3. Knowing that everything shall pass.

A lot of frustrating things happened during online hiatus. But am glad to say: everything passed, character c and I are alright. We're happier than before, we've survived the many init-ulo moments we had in the last months.

Of course, all this is compounded by the many issues my family also had. Though I cannot elaborate my family's difficulties here, (to do so would be invasive and unfair)... Let's just say that the past few months were turbulent. And that, oftentimes trying to keep my patience has tried my patience.

But all things do pass. I don't think Murphy's Law had anything to do with the last few months. For when my relationship issues were resolved, my familial and financial issues were resolved likewise.

#2. Tough Decisions

It is no secret that I have been living independently. But what never comes to light is the sacrifices it entails. Deciding not to live in lovely suburban homes means living in a bare urban apartment. I have always recognized my good fortune of having 2 suburban homes at my disposal, these are always appreciated. However, deciding to live on my own has prompted me to let go of their comforts.

Letting all that go was hard for me. When I made the decision to break away from my family late last year, I knew I was starting on a perilous path. What I did not know was being relatively absent from my family's affairs would also become a comforting thought. Coming home to an empty apartment does not always give one loneliness. I finally got to rest up, finally had a routine I could rely on.

As I am a closet OC personality; having routine, being able to schedule my days and knowing what to expect when I got home has given me relaxation. This peace of mind was unattainable when I was living at my lola's house; where I had to absorb the constant dramatics of its occupants, where I had to withstand everything said and left unsaid simply because I am the eldest of our brood.

Conversely, I doubt that I will have the same peace if I move into my mom's new house.

I like to think that I just need some space, some kind of distance. I don't think it's a matter of shirking from my responsibilities. It's a matter of letting myself breathe some. I will always be their grand daughter, her daughter, their sister, their niece. But I think it is also time I became just myself.

#1 My private self rediscovered

I have again found this out. The past half decade has not changed me much. I share things about me but withhold my bottom lines. I don't do it on purpose. I feel I withhold my private thoughts because I never really found the need to spell myself out...then and now.

As such, I have been reminded in the past few months that though I have many friends and have had many lovers; very few know the intents of my actions and my private hurts and pains. It may be that I have become a duality of sorts, alternately giving and withholding information at need.

In my short life, I have lost many things. I have lost people I loved. I have lost memories. I have been left many times. I have seen horrible things. I have kept many secrets. But after all that pain, all that loss; I realized all of it has left me steeled for the future. Loosing so many loves has only made me more willing to loose more.

My private thoughts remain undaunted to the many entreaties from friends and family. I still refuse to bear my heart. And though at times I may wear my heart on my sleeve, the heart you see is only a minute reflection of those deeper yearnings.

For that, I am grateful

A Very Personal Top Ten

Things have been spinning round wildly. But that wouldn't be news. So let me rephrase it. The past few weeks have offered me no hope of coherence. My would-be posts became as wily as my grandma's logic. As such, blogging has been on the back burner.

Now that most crap is in order, I have the time to list down ten things that have kept me on the tailspin.

#10. Change of Employment

Not many people know what I actually do for a living. It's mostly because (compared to the average Filipino yuppie) I hate talking shop. All the positions I've held always had to do with words. I am thankful to have had a malleable vocation. Something that adapts to my needs and the jobs I accept. However, my convictions aren't so flexible. The past 2 weeks have been a barrage of pushing papers, considering (and refusing) job offers and making silent concessions with myself.

In an earlier post, I discussed my employment conundrum. I'm glad to say things have progressed since then. On the 20th, I will start working as a business analyst for corporation A. A job that will not ask for creativity and (hopefully) not too much social skills. I have my reasons for taking this on, this "uncreative" job. All of which I won't discuss here.

#9. Falling in Love with the Sidelines

For the past half decade, I have embraced the headlines. I believed I needed to take part in history as it happened. The first quarter of this year has forced me to the sides, to toe the lapping waters of history rather than swim in it. Though I miss being in the middle of things; it hasn't been all bad. Time for reflection can never be bad.

Now that I am well-rested and have had enough reflection; I'm ready to dive into history's depths once more.

#8. Reading Good and Not-so Good Books

Waiting at government offices is great for catching up on your reading. Iris Murdoch forced me into philosophy as I delved in her well-crafted plots. I especially loved:
I also loved "The Principles of Love" by Emily Franklin. Its amusing treatise on pop culture and art coupled with dynamic narration makes it seem like a book within a book. A witty mix of self-exploration, rock & roll, pop psychiatry all told by one off beat voice.

My reading list also included "The Secret Word" by Jennifer Paddock, "The Gift of Acabar" by Og Mandino and (surprisingly) "The Elements of Style" by Strunk and White.




#7 Cornered and Still Standing

I make few enemies. But those I make, I mark for life. I don't like being forced into reconciliation or meaningless small talk by well-meaning common friends.

Perhaps, I have been too polite to make this clear. On three separate occasions, I was conned into conversing with 3 people I didn't even want to acknowledge.

Two of these incidents, character c was to blame. His philosophy of "putting it all behind us" never really did jive well with my "to the death!" philosophy. When he tried to make me talk to Sidney and Kidney on two separate occasions, I gave him a look that could have withered all the plants on Ayala Avenue.

The last and most devastating of all: one mid-June afternoon, character c and I were supposed to meet my friend D for some coffee and dinner. I was raring to see friend D and introduce him to character C; whom he had heard of but never met. Friend D inevitably rolls round with a lady friend in tow.

The said lady friend; was an old friend of mine. Someone who had the gall to call my mother and inform my mother that:

1. I was sleeping around
2. I was living with different men at a time
3. Her strange whack-job, street person type mother disapproves of me.

It was only natural I stopped talking to the manipulative, daughter of a cult-leader and street person; character E. (She was banned from setting foot on our house, my mother was THAT pissed).

But since my good friend D was so full of good peace-making intentions; I decided to put on a plastic mask and keep my seething anger at bay.Our dinner conversation was filled with trivial high school memories. Character E better be thankful that I am not at her level of crass. Else, I would have asked her the following questions over dinner:

1. How is your father and what does he do again for a living?
2. How is your mom and how are her rice cakes faring? Does she still sell them over at EDSA cor Aurora?
3. How are your illegitimate nephews and nieces? Is your sister still sleeping with exotic dancers?

Oh, and: "Kindly recount the night you called my mother up..."

But I did tell friend D that he had my support. That I was still rooting for them. What I meant to say was: "This is your grave you're digging. I fully support that. It's the only way you'll learn."

To be continued.