Lunes, Enero 31

putang ina

before i start ranting, i want to apologize in advance to YOU. this isn't about YOU.

thank you.

putang ina mo jason. i hate you today. i thought you wanted to work things out. i thought you wanted to get on with everything...including the wedding. pero putang ina! hindi ka naman tumawag. hindi ka nagpasabi kung bakit hindi ka makakatawag. anong akala mo? jason, i was willing to go back to you. i was willing to risk my happiness for you. and this is what you do. salamat ha. salamat dahil four the past four, fucking four years ikaw ang naging dahilan ng halos lahat ng depression na naranasan ko. linoloko ko ang sarili ko kung sasabihin ko na "it's alright, i understand". dahil putang ina, i don't understand. and no matter how i try, i can't get myself to see why you're being such an asshole. face it dear, you are a major asshole. more than most of the assholes i've encountered my whole life. and i have met a lot. (paging ren! paging joseph and let's not forget...paging JR!)

pero eto na e.

ngayon lang nagsisink-in sa akin na mag-isa na ako. mag-isa na ako bigla. takte, dumarating din pala ang point na ganito? akalain mo. hahaha.

kaya ko 'to. kahit mag-isa ako.

*chants romans 8:28*

Lord, im not really sure why all of these crap is happening. pero i know that even though i think my plans are best, you plans are PERFECT. and im sorry Lord for all the rage and cursing aforementioned. i just needed to get this out. anyways Lord, i know that you will never ever give me something i cannot handle. and if i trust in You, everything will turn out right. i believe this is so. and all im asking is for You to send me people to keep me sane for the next couple of days. focus your eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of your faith. who for the joy set before Him, denied heaven, took up the cross so that you might be saved.


*there i feel better.

Linggo, Enero 30

today & tomorrow

i will have to face the music tomorrow. i really have to. i have to talk to him. and tell him EVERYTHING..if im brave enough to do it, that is. if i have the balls to tell him that yes, i did touch someone else's balls. and he has the right to be totally mad at me. and blame me for everything.

and yes, i still love you. but thank God it doesn't hurt that much anymore. it will be alright, i know it will be. i'll always be here for you, no matter what life throws at us. and i know that God will always be there for you...especially when i can't be there for you.

and i hope you know that im not mad at you, or anything like that. and i do love you. i may never tell you again for a long time, but i do. and whatever happens, you will always have a part of my heart.

Biyernes, Enero 28


shet. pagod na pagod ako.

salamat andyan ka.

Martes, Enero 25

it will be alright

it's good that i have friends. and they understand me...i am grateful to have friends like that. it's one thing to love someone..and it's a completely different thing to sacrifice yourself for the happiness of that person.

in utter brutal honesty, gusto ko kayo magkaayos.ayaw ko na confused ka about how you feel. i know that she isn't being the best person right now, but take this as an opportunity to prove your sincerity. c'mon dear, you went to her house. i know that. you didn't tell me but i knew. i think it's only fair to her that you keep those promises you made. and i don't want her to get hurt...even if it does mean that i'd be reeling in pain for the next few months. i'd rather get hurt that see someone else get hurt because of me. and i know that deep inside of you...YOU LOVE HER...NOT ME.accepted na 'yon e. at dahil mahal kita, handa akong masaktan para sa iyo.

you're the only person who can read this blog. and i hope that you get to read this in time. oo nga, mahal na mahal kita...pero hindi ako makasarili. im not selfish. at least i try not to be when it really matters. and i hope you know that nothing will change between us. i'd still be your friend and your ally. and i'd support every decision that you'll make. even it means that i'd be stabbing myself (figuratively) in the process. it's because i'd rather see you with someone else than you be with me and that someone else getting hurt. at alam ko rin na second choice mo lang ako. ayos lang yun. pero i'd rather not be an option. you made your choice when you fell in love with her.magkakagulo lang kung piliin mo ako. and personally, i think that hindi mo kaya ipagtanggol ang sarili mo at ako kung piliin mo ako. serious ako dun.

oo nasasaktan ako sa lahat ng nangyari. pero hindi pa rin dahilan iyon para ipagpilitan ko ang sarili ko sa iyo. i'll be content to love you. just love you.

ayan e..drama nanaman.

Lunes, Enero 24

this is it

i feel like shit.

thank you love for messing up my life many times do you have to do this before i learn that you bring pain with you? how many times do you have to pulvurize my soul before i realize that i should run away each and every time that you rear you beautiful (too beautiful) head?

putang inang buhay 'to.

ang hirap pala maging tanga, forgiving and a friend all at the same time.

of course, ngayon ko lang na-realize na ganun pala ako.

tanga nga e.

nasaktan nanaman alam ko na walang ibang may kasalanan kundi ako...ako lang ang may kasalanan sa lahat lahat.

if i didn't choose jason four years ago, i'd probably be with aree. or joseph. but nooo...i just had to choose him over other more reasonable choices.


im trying to choose him over someone.

the difference: i don't think i love him enough to trust him again.

timo, please don't feel bad about this. this shouldn't be you problem. it's my burden.

i should start picking up the pieces RIGHT now. i should tell myself over and over again that im going to be alright...till i believe the lie myself.

ayan e.

im not bitter..just in pain.

this goes to YOU

i don't want to fall in love with you. in fact, i don't want to fall in love with anyone. i don't hate you. it's just that it's hopeless and i don't want to be writhing in pain once more. and that is reason enough for me not to fall in love with you. and it doesn't help that im just your friend. will always be just your friend. i hope you never get too see this. i hope you just forget that i ever existed. because falling in love with you would be a mistake.

and i've commited that mistake.

im falling in love with you and i barely know you.

you can't love me because you don't know me.

so what to do?

i will procastinate the hell out of here

i will move on with my life.

and i will try to teach my heart to stop loving people who cannot and will not love me.

and ill try to forget you.

that seems an awful lot to do.

loving you from a distance seems a little easier to do, less tasking.

but it would hurt more. i think.

by now, i should be used to getting hurt. but the thing is, im always optimistic. and i almost always give things a chance. i always try to see the goodness in people. and it really wasn't that hard to see the goodness that you have. it was all about you, intoxicating me. and it's sad that i never will tell you. it's sad that you'll never know. but i guess it's only right that i never tell you.

that im here. and im falling in love with you.


Linggo, Enero 23

after the game...

after the game, a new game begun.
and i feel lost.
i am tired of loving people
who will never love me back.

and i've been scared
all along
even if...
i do seem stronger than the rest

i was just sitting there
glorifying myself
in the ackward silences
that we had

i wasn't sure what to say
i didn't know what to do
and im still
in silence

people think that im brave
but in truth, im not
im just someone
who can act real well

but i think
i've acted for too long
i guess it's about time

for me to let go
let go of the idea
of the dream....
that after everything...
there is someone waiting

there is someone waiting
and i have been waiting in vain.

exactly how i feel

Tonight I Can Write
-pablo neruda

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Write, for example, ‘The night is starry
and the stars are blue and shiver in the distance.’

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

Through nights like this one I held her in my arms.
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.

She loved me, and sometimes I loved her too.
How could I not have loved her great still eyes.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.

To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is starry and she is not with me.

This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

My sight tries to find her as though to bring her closer
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.

The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.

I no longer love her, that’s for certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.

Another’s. She will be another’s. As she was before my kisses.
Her voice, her bright body. Her infinite eyes.

I am no longer in love with her, that’s certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.

Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

Though this be the last pain she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her.


masyado na ata ako natutuwa dito sa aking brand new blog. "secret" kasi sha e. kaya i can rant and rant at walang magcocomment or makababasa kasi secret nga e.

well, except si timo..malamang mababasa din nya ito. (hah!stalker ka dude!) bwahahaha...

anyways, as i said earlier i was going out for some starbuck's with nelli. nelli is my best friend and also my ex best friend. ex best friend?? baket? to make a long sordid story short, inagawan ko sha ng minamahal. so ayun, mula noon...hindi na naging maayos ang relationship namin.

back to the present. i really appreciate that she goes out of her way to spend time with me. with everything that she does (she works at a call center and is a member of UP manila's chorale) nagyayaya pa rin sha na lumabas minsan. touched nga ako kasi "best" pa rin ang tawag niya sa akin even if im not really the "best friend". baka in our case, talagang applicable yung "time heals all wounds". it's safe to say na we're rebuilding our friendship. after more than a year since the "incident". and i've come to realize that no guy is worth loosing your best friend. kasi when that guy leaves you, your best friend will still be there. kaya eto ako, nagsisisi ako na pinili ko si ren over nelli. and hindi naman ganon kagaling ang relationship namin ni ren kaya walang kwenta lang.

nelli, im so sorry for everything that happpened & the pain i inflicted on you. there's no excuse for it, best. and im not planning to make one anytime soon. i hurt you when i should have just let go of him. hindi ko kasi na-realize na marami naman palang lalaki sa mundo. i hope you know that after everything, i feel na i will always be indebted to you...kaya salamat sa pakakaibigan. nasaktan kita, at nanghihinayang ako sa panahong nawala sa atin. dapat talaga nakinig ako sa iyo noon ng mas mabuti. i should have been more sensitive. salamat nelli, sa pagintindi mo sa akin. i am grateful.

ayan, drama nanaman. ayos lang. wala namang ibang makababasa e.

tinatamad ako

yan na nga ba sinasabi natin e.

tinatamad nananman ako. as usual.

inaaya ako ni nelli mag-starbucks.

sige na nga..mamaya na ako magaaral.

*teh evol grin*

Sabado, Enero 22

mga bagay na kailangan pag-isipan

gestern starb ich schon heute

nakakaaliw naman ang phrase na yan. "yesterday i died today" ang labo if you think about it, pero i think that's what i've been doing for most part of my life. i've been killing myself way before my time. i grew up way before my time. i got beaten up by ex when i should have been enjoying my life.

in short, too many things have happened in my life.

and im only 18, for christssake's!

and things have been increasingly faster as of late.

anyways, i want to say some thank you's...
  • thank you kristel for being my best friend and seeing me through the difficult times of my life.
  • thank you makers of "american beauty" and "american history x" for showing me where im headed at this rate.
  • thank you love for the relationship that will be ending pretty soon.
  • thank you benevolent spirit for reminding me that no matter what life throws at me, there is no need to be afraid.
  • thank you jason for loving me and how human i can be. know that even if our journey as a couple is ending, i will always be here for you and i do love you. and i just want to be fair to both of us.
  • thank you jesus for giving up the glory of heaven in exchange for the shame of the cross.
  • thank you past boy friends. especially YOU jr, for making me less "tanga" and YOU ren for helping differentiate between liar, pathological liar at complete asshole.
  • and thank you to pain, for making me stronger. ika nga sa kill bill: "what doesn't kill you will only make you stronger."

ayun. ayos.

timo...kung makikita mo ito, stalker ka!! hehe.. joke lang

Biyernes, Enero 21


akalain mo ba namang may nakabasa na ng blog ko...

well, i think it's because i *ahem* "advertised" it on my YM. so meaning, my "secret blog" is not so secret anymore. *whispers to self: never ever use your blogspot addy for you YM status!!*

bukas, baka hindi ako mag-rotc. im torn between resting up and doing my schoolwork OR going to the training day to AVOID making a milcor. ayan e, umaandar nanaman katamaran ko e. gusto ko sana uminom and stuff like that tomorrow, pero HINDI pwede kasi may game kami sa sunday...maaga ang game, it's in zobel pa...malayo yun sa bahay ko... yet one more reason for me not to go to rotc tomorrow.

so ayun.

my heart is still breaking, and i don't think anyone will be here to save it. so ayan, parang gusto ko nanaman mawala na lang sa mundong ibabaw. pero hindi naman pwede na gawin ko lang basta, diba? pero anyways...hindi naman ganoon kasagwa ang buhay ko. actually (nasabi ko na ito sa LJ ko) i have a lot to be thankful for.

lately lang, napansin ko na bilga ako nagkaka-angst tuwing ako na maghuhugas ng pinggan sa bahay namin. bigla ko naiisip na maliit talaga ang allowance ko, no matter what angle i choose to matter how i look at it, maliit talaga para sa isang college student. it is not humanly possible to live on 1800 a month, na hindi ka hinahatid at sinusundo ng car papunta sa school at kung saan-saan pa. ewan ko ba sa parents ko kung bakit hindi ata nila maintindihan ang concept ng inflation kapag ina-apply sa tunay na buhay.


tapos sisisihin ko sila kasi nagpaka "we will live by faith" sila nung bata pa ako. kaya hindi sila nagsumikap na magpakayaman. mga tipong ganon. sana lang ha, walang mangulit sa akin habang naghuhugas ako ng pinggan kasi baka may masabi pa akong hindi kalugodlugod.


anways, i have to go now. family dinner thingy. shet.

Lunes, Enero 17





kailangan lumayo.

~*~grabe. first ever post sa akin bran spanking new blog. at ganito.

~*~ pero ayos lang..wala naman ibang ngayon.

let me start by saying...

putang ina.

hindi ito ang panahon para ma-depress ako.

but im really depressed.

after talking to some friends (whom i will not mention anymore) i realized, i should be depressed. it's because of everything that's happening. i know deep in my heart that God has perfect plans for me but somehow i feel that for those perfect plans to come true, i will have to accept some pain in my life. not just FEEL the pain. ACCEPT that pain is present in my life. i've always tried to shield myself from pain. but right now, i think the better thing to do is open myself up to pain in order to be healed. because i need to be broken before God. before He can make me whole again. and i know that the Lord hears me right now, and i know that He can relate to my pain. emphathy.

malamang, mayroon talagang mga panahon na kailangan lumayo.

masakit ang lahat.

akala ko kasi nalampasan ko na. akala ko, nalampasan na natin. pero hindi pa pala. hindi na ata talaga maaayos ang relasyon na ito. gusto kong lumaban, pero wala na akong lakas. hindi na kita kayang mahalin dahil MASAKIT kang mahalin. sana maintindihan mo, hindi ko na kasi kaya ito e.

sana maintindihan mo, na minsan kailangan lumayo para hindi na masaktan.

nasasaktan ka rin.

at hindi ko kaya ang ganoon.

dahil ang buhay ay napakatulin.

ngayon ko lang tunay na naisip na ang bilis talaga ng buhay. isang araw andito lang ang kakilala mo, ngayon wala na siya. hindi ko na siya makikita. at masakit pala kahit hindi siya malapit sa iyo. kasi nasa buhay mo rin siya. mistulang may nahugot sa aking mundo, hindi na ito kasing balanse tulad ng dati. at kung tutuusin, maliit ka lamang na bahagi ng aking buhay.. pero masakit pala.

at para sa iyo, aking minamahal: mabilis ang buhay. ayokong mabuhay ka na nasasaktan. ayoko rin mabuhay na parating nasasaktan ng kaisa-isang taong nagsilbing buhay ko. mahal na mahal kita, sana naman ngayon matapos ang lahat lahat, alam mo na iyan. pero may mga pagkakataon na kailangan iwanan ang mga taong lubos na minamahal upang maging mas mabuting tao sila. palagay ko, kailangan ko mawala para tumino ka. kahit masakit sa akin, gagawin ko. tumino ka lang.

mahal na mahal kita. pero kailangan ko na magpaalam.