the river runs forth

the river has sprung free.

and this blog will never be updated again.

undecided

there is a river that runs deep in the heart of the earth. for centuries it has been happy in the cool bed rock. but today the river has changed its mind and changed its course. it wishes to be one with the sea, the sea out there.
the earth will not set the river free. the river pounds and pounds on the earth's crust. it cries out desperately: "set me free! i want to see the surface for myself!"
but the earth remains silent, stubborn and unyielding. it will not let the river go for secretly, it hoped that the river would flow within it forever.
but the river only wishes to be free.

the river weeps as it pounds continously on the earth. it weeps for chances it lost. it weeps for the sea that it has not seen. and it weeps because secretly, it does not want to live without the captivity. it does not want to be without the earth.

toss coin

and you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
or the moment the truth in you lies
when everything feels like the movies
yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive

when everything's made to be broken
i just want you to know who i am...

-iris, goo goo dolls

it's been a while since i've taken a breather. and all my efforts feel so futile. my relationships always go to hell and well, apparently my degree wants to take that ride with it. which would be alright if i hadn't tried to hard to keep things in check. i haven't felt well in weeks. i've been swinging from "im getting well but not yet" to "oh god, im so fucking sick". maybe it's because i have been so stressed lately. and there's no point in convincing myself otherwise.

i keep on thinking. just thinking. i keep on analyzing my life. and most of all, i keep on trying to make a decision that i don't want to make but have to. i feel trapped. i feel like i have to put on a face that im happy. the mere fact that im posting this here and not on my LJ (where i have i think more than 70 friends) suggests that i don't want to make my helplesness common knowledge. maybe because i've always been too proud to admit that i am a helpless little girl. that im on the losing side of things today. and that i need someone to hug.

i want to toss a coin. to see if i should still do this or not. it's been hard holding back all these months.

delubyo

ito na. ito na ang hinihintay ko.
ito na ang delubyo.

mananatili akong nakatayo hanggang matangay sa wakas.

at sa wakas, mamamatay ako.

stiff

it's so hard when life smacks back at you. this afternoon, i was talking to my team mate. nothing much, actually. general things that most people know bits and pieces of. then, as i was making my exit to rush to enta...i told her: "i still love him." i smiled my ass off, but as i was walking back to RMT, i kept on crying.

i want to run away. run till i don't see anything that reminds me of you. run till my lungs burst out. i just don't want to admit defeat because i always thought that no matter what, i would win this fight. that i'd get over this. but too many things remind me of you. and i still have that urge to call you up/ask you for a hug/whine to you when things upset me. it's just that this time around, i fight that urge with all my might. this time around, i can't depend on you for support.

because you're gone. and because you never wanted to be here, with me.

~*~
and to YOU. thank you for never asking me to give what you knew was beyond me. thank you for giving me enough space to move around and grow. and thank you for being so unlike him.

~*~
super bad day today. i want to be hugged. but im alone in this house.

procastination

i've been procastinating about too many things. im less than 48 hours away from my history of political theory mid terms and i haven't actually studied. im close to having a decent relationship with ****, but i've been putting it off for weeks now. and it doesn't help that i have too many farking things to do and i don't want to move at all. i just want to sit somewhere and stare at stuff. i want to fall asleep. just fall asleep. or maybe ask myself questions till nothing makes sense anymore. but i hafta study. i really need to study.

i keep on telling myself that i can't possibly fall in love because im tired of loving. but i know that somehow, little by little...my heart is giving way. when in gives way completely, i'll be dead by then.

kung mamatay ako

parang gusto kong magpakamatay.

in church this morning, i heard about a fifth grade student who tried to commit suicide by jumping off his school building. it was very disturbing. what is more disturbing (for me, at least) is that when i look back, i also attempted suicide when i was in fifth grade. although, i was a sissy and i just drank lysol and baygon.

but still.

it's disturbing nonetheless.

im at a point in my life where i can't see anything clearly anymore on a more personal level. and it's depressing. i feel that i've lost whatever cloak of goodness i had about me. im so tired. im so fucking tired.

but at least now i know that it is possible for someone to suck the life out of you. funny how it has happened to me several times before (but not quite like this) and i still thought that all the life i had in me would stay dancing.

well. apparently, whatever notions i've had of myself aren't true at all. i am not an overflowing well of happiness and optimism. i cannot love and just love. i cannot forgive. and neither can i forget anything. and im not as strong as i seem.

im weak. and today, i whither and surrender.

masakit lang talaga, masakit.

song in my head...

suspension

Lately I’m alright
And lately I’m not scared
I figured out, that what you do to me
Feels like, I’m floating on air

I don’t need to know right now
All I know is, I believe
In the very thing that got us here
And now I can't leave

Say anything, but, say what you mean
Cause I’m caught in suspension

Now, I’m wanting this for sure
And I’ll beg for nothing more
I’ll plan all day and drive all night
You’ll love what’s in store

I cant seem to stop this now
Even if it's not so clear
And I'll take what I can get
If you want me here (If you want me here)

Say anything
But, say what you mean
When you whisper you want this
Your eyes tell the same
We are gaining speed
I can barely breathe
Cause I’m caught in suspension

It’s enough for me to get excited
Is enough for me to feel well
Whoa, whoa... whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa

Say anything
But, say what you mean
When you whisper you want this
(Your eyes tell the same)
We are gaining speed (Suspension)
I can barely breathe (Oh, I can barely breathe)
Cause I’m caught in suspension (Suspension)
I’m caught in suspension

Say anything (Say Anything, Suspension)
But, say what you mean (Oh, I can barely breathe)
I’m caught in suspension (Suspension)
I’m caught in suspension
We are gaining speed (Suspension)
I can barely breathe (Oh, I can barely breathe)
Cause I’m caught in suspension (Suspension)
I’m caught in suspension

Say anything (Say Anything, Suspension)
But say what you mean (Oh, I can barely breathe)
I’m caught in suspension

~*~
i should get a copy of this song sometime. TIME. if only i had more time on my hands. i feel that the universe is conspiring so that i'd be forced to grow up, finally. i was talking to one of my oldest college friends earlier and we both agreed that life has made us grow up before our time. we experienced things way ahaed of our time. and now, we're grovelling. we're desperately trying to hang on to the little peter pan experiences that we had.

i think im having senior's syndrome THIS farking early. im beginning to appreciate cameras and camwhoring. im beginning to see the changes ateneo has gone through. the changes me and my blockmates have gone through. the new faces in the pub room. everything.

and for the first time in my life, im actually sad that i lived/live with such rapidity. i changed loves, perpectives, clothing preferences, hair styles, orgs, commitments without hesitation. i believed in change, in trying out everything. i believed that i had all the time in the world.

now i just wish i could be at a stand still. everything goes by so fast.
~*~
lifemeter:

• people i called the love of my life:1
• people i have loved: 3
• boyfriends: 8
• girlfriends: 2
• relationships: 14
• broken hearts: 2
• instances of excruciating pain: 1
• chances at taking drugs: more than i can count
• cigarettes smoked: more than 700 sticks, i think
• bottles of beer consumed: more than 200
• bottles of vodka consumed: approx. 25
• tequila shots: about 25
• friends: 100
• best friends: 5
• enemies: 1
• regrets: 0
  

imagined freedoms

in light with the political turmoil our country has been going through, i have found myself wondering if the Philippines would ever have a break. i think that i have seen the best and the worst of situations in the Philippines (having been part of a relatively middle class family, being private school bred, having spent time in urban and rural poor communities, going from reservist of the AFP to UG activist, going from Mendiola to Starbuck's) and i've always thought that the main problem was always the fragmented sense of nationalism that each Filipino has.

although i do believe that every Filipino, no matter how cynical he may be of our current political climate does want something better for this country, each one of us have defined for ourselves concepts of this nation without taking much consideration for the greater picture. and somehow, fraternal and fillial bonds hold much more hold on us as a people than the motherland's grasp.

and our president is not above all these. from day one, there has always been suspicion about her motives. and even if in EDSA 2 she seemed like the best alternative to Erap, her pronouncements and subsequent actions (declaring that she wouldn't run in the May polls THEN running anyway) suggest a clear void in her morals. how one person, a supposely intelligent and moral one; could easily be swayed to break promises is beyond me. moreso, how one who alledgedly has faith in the Filipino people and its capabilities should see it necessary to call up a COMELEC official for fear of fraud is odd.

her actions and words don't add up at all. and as someone who believes that the Philippines deserves a leader with integrity i feel sad that we have Mrs. Arroyo for a president. someone who has murdered and cheated millions of Filipinos, here and abroad through her Gestapo like measures deftly cloathed in reforms and laws with pretty words.

----------

hindi kailangan ng bansang ito ang pandurugas. hindi kailangan ng mga Pilipino ng isang pinunong yumuyurak sa kalayaan na nararapat lamang na matamasa sa ilalim ng democrasya. ngayon ang panahon upang mag-aklas. Pilipinas, gumising na.

starting over

and i can see the pain in you
and i can see the love in you
fighting all the demons will take time, will take time.
-angels or devils, dishwalla

last monday's drinking spree left you and me alone. drinking once more. drinking because we knew we wouldn't get drunk anyway. and we both had scores to settle. and im not sure if the games we played that night really counted. but for all it's worth, i wanted them to. i wanted to start a mad dance with you, even if we could have died from dancing. even if we would never be happy again for the rest of our lives, i wanted that moment. that mad dance into oblivion.

but that was just me. im not sure if you wanted the same thing. from what you told me, you wanted a slow and steady walk into oblivion. i was never sure of anything with regards to you. except the fact that you would always be there when my world ceased to exist. when he left me, when i left him, when we left each other. i have no other ideas about you. except that im desperately trying to hang on to her to keep myself from falling in love with you.

to do, what to do? one, i stay with her. fuck her. be there for her. cook for her and do her laundry. and we will live happily ever after. two, i leave her and search you out again. and when i do find you, collapse in your arms. and then we will fight like nothing else. but i will love you and you will love me. and of course, we shall drink and drink and drink...and smoke and smoke and smoke.

decisions are hard to make when either way you go, you will hurt someone you care for.

but im starting over. im staring at these words im typing out and i keep on telling myself: im starting over, im starting over.

timothy

you have hurt me more than anyone else i've met in my whole life. i will never understand why. but i also have hurt you. and im sorry for everything i've said. nothing matters now. i may never be ready to be friends again, but i want you to know...

verdict: forgiven beyond any reasonable doubt.

life is too short to be bitter for long.

forces of logic

to whom it may concern:

you know who you are. i know you know. i also know what you did. it's a shame i even found out. what a great way to show me how important i am to you. put me on stealth, why don't you. i don't know what to say. i thought we were friends. great friends. close friends.

but then again, this won't be the first time in my life that i was wrong about you.

i was wrong about you, i was so wrong.

i've been here for you through everything. and today's pleasant discovery has shown me what all of those times meant to you...

NOTHING.

maybe im over reacting. but it doesn't matter now, does it? because when things DID matter, when things blatantly mattered...you couldn't care less. you didn't give a flying fuck.

im disappointed in myself.

why?

because i fooled myself into thinking i was worth anything to you.

good luck with everything.

and...

um gehen zum bumser.

lastiko

pakiramdam ko, naghahabol ako ng hangin. paikot-ikot lang ako sa isang malaking palayan...paikot-ikot sa mga gusali sa siyudad. basta, paikot-ikot lang. hindi na ako sigurado sa sarili ko. kanina, masaya naman ako. pero ngayon, tila isang halimaw ang kumitil sa mga nalalabi ko pang lakas, sa nalalabi ko pang tuwa.

ikaw ang halimaw.

alam ko iyon. pero may mga halimaw naman na napagkakatiwalaan. palagay ko, alam ko na kung bakit halos walang nakaiintindi sa uri ng relasyon natin. kasi tayo mismo sa mga sarili natin, hindi natin ito naiintindihan.

galit ako sa iyo. hindi dahil may mga bagay na pinili mong ilayo sa mga mata ko. hindi dahil may mga bulong na hindi nakarating sa mga tenga ko. galit ako sa iyo dahil napakabilis lang para sa iyo na isawalangtabi ang kahit anong bagay. kahit nasambit mo na noon na mahalaga ang bagay na iyon sa iyo, napakabilis mong bumitaw. napakatulin mong maglakbay. noon ko pa alam yan, na hindi kita talaga masasabayan. ngunit ngayon ko lang talaga naramdaman ang pagiging matulin mo. marahil ay ganoon talaga. mayroong mga taong nangunguna't mabilis na nakaaalis at mayroon naman naiiwang nakatayo habang nanonood.

manonood na lang ako.

sabi ko sa iyo kanina. pakiramdam ko, isa akong lastiko at ikaw isang batang sinusubukan ang lakas ng lastiko. susubukan ito ng bata hanggang bumigay ang lastiko. walang magagawa ang lastiko. nasa kamay siya ng yaong bata. walang kapangyarihan, wala kahit anupaman. naroon lamang siya, sa kamay ng batang iyon. nag-aantay ng huling paghila hanggang sa kumawala.

napakarami ko nang nasabi sa iyo. napakarami nang oras ang iginugol ko para malaman mong hindi ka kailanman nag-iisa. ngunit may mga bagay na sadyang may kapalarang masayang. tulad ng mga patid na lastikong itinatapon ng mga bata sa daan sa ilalim ng init ng araw.

when standing still...just isn't enough

so emo moment na naman ba?

~*~
today is supposed to be like all the other days i've had. not that nothing ever happens in my life. that's not it at all. it's more like, a lot happens in my life. and many of those things that happen in my life don't concern you at all. actually, up till this morning i haven't even thought about you.

why?

because the last time i saw you (and this was a few months back, i think) you were an inconsiderate bastard. that and i had so many other things on my mind. there was jason. there was timothy. and now presently, there is kevin. relationships, all of which i fucked up quite wonderfully. i didn't even have to try that hard to mess everything up. i just did. i think im gifted in messing up people's lives, hands down...im the winner.

but let's not talk about that now.

what pisses me off is YOU. suddenly appearing out of nowhere. waltzing back into my life like you weren't the inconsiderate bastard that you were before. and just because im too nice to tell you that yes, i seriously think you are an inconsiderate bastard, doesn't mean you aren't.

me not talking about it doesn't mean it's not there.

im not sure where you missed the message. but when i fucking walked out on you that night in galle...dude, i fucking meant it. and don't tell me to be a good christian and forget about the whole thing. because i think there are certain degrees of fuckwittage that the good Lord allows...and this isn't one of them. im sure He will understand if im not really keen on seeing you again.

why?

it's because being with you makes me doubt why im a protestant in the first place. it makes me rethink what i believe in, in a really really bad way. i ask myself: "if being a christian protestant means love and kindness and you're supposedly one with great faith and such...why o why are you SUCH AN ASSHOLE???!!!"

and why do you have to be so friggin hypocritical about everything? and why do you want to change who i am??

i've had enough boy problems in the past. do me a favor, GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME.

~*~
That being said, i want to skip the rage and move on to the melodrama. in a fit of utter dismay and/or annoyance...as of 2045 H yesterday...kevy has walked out me.

i dunno. and yes, i didn't do anything to stop him. i just stood there. looking stupidly at the falling rain in RMT. i was trying to count the actual raindrops forming from the sky or something.

why didn't i do anything?

it's because it is about time i let him go. i've been keeping him for too long. and for what? im not sure. i have to admit, someone to run to was definitely a thought. and although i've become so used to him and such...i don't miss him at all.

i don't miss him because i never loved him.

and it's really hard to miss things/people you don't even remotely love.

and yet, i feel that standing still wasn't enough. im not sure what i should have done or what i could have done...but im pretty sure i could have done something else other than just stand there, stupified. but i guess all things will work out for the best.

i will always trust the benevolent spirit..because it tells me there is nothing, absolutely nothing to be afraid of.

*sigh

~*~
im sorry. for making your life more complicated. and for not being who you needed. i hope life gives you everything you need. and i hope when i see you again on campus, you won't have an urge to hack me to death. im so sorry.

...

it's official. yesterday was the worst birthday ever.

trauma shots

sometimes, i just can't help but be myself. sure i try to make myself up when i face people i have to impress or people i don't particularly like. but among friends, i am just myself. recent events though have made me contemplate.
is it just me, or should i be hiding my craziness a little better? it's not that i currently have no friends anymore due to my craziness. in fact, it seems to amuse most people i meet. but i think i maybe be getting too fucking spontaneous. maybe, im too spontaneous for my own good. and needless to say, im too stubborn for my own good. when i see something i want, im determined to get it no matter what. im not a quitter. and of course i never really do run away from anything. i guess it's because i've been living my life with this thought: life is indeed too short. as an answer to this, i sought to make the most out of every situation. i cried my heart out when i needed to cry. i laughed my lungs out when i needed to laugh.and i forgave, no matter how hard it was to do it.
i did everything with a certain drive.
and this certain drive is driving him insane.
i know that we will never agree on many things. but i was/still am willing to make a compromise. i mean, life is too short (again i say that) to not make room for change. life is too fleeting to not accomodate people you care dearly for. i want a compromise. but apparently, he doesn't see it as possible. there are no grey areas in his world. while mine is full of those. i dunno what to do anymore. i don't know whether he's being a fuckwit or im being unreasonable again. this relationship isn't what i ordered, but when push came to shove...admittedly i fucked up. but i think i should be given a little credit for trying to fix things. and when it came to that point of fuckwittage, i was the one suffering.
o great.
so what's a girl to do?
simple.
find someone else to fuck.

after all, what is life if you don't fuck and be fucked in return?

mass hysteria

im so fucking tired. of every step i took to lead to this place. i don't know what i want anymore. and today, i don't give a flying fuck anymore. once again, my plans have been blown up into oblivion. but hey, what am i complaining about anyway? given that a. my plans weren't perfect and b. i've messed up other people's plans before and i expected them to live with it.


o god.



anyways, i think i should stay away from this whole transparency thing. i hate hiding things from people i care about...but there are some things that are best kept from them. goldfishy, you know what i mean.



*nervous laughter



i hope it'll be alright. and i hope i can get away and fix my life asap. because being like this isn't exactly helping anyone at all. and im not about to stay in this place of helplesness.i am not a little helpless girl, at times i seem to be...but im not.

nasasaktan ako...bumalik ka rito

if you ever get to read this. know that i feel terrible about the whole ordeal. and i feel regret. deep regret. i know you may never talk to me...and you may want to annihilate me from the face of this planet...but hear me out. i know that im not as monogamous as i should be...as i've been sorta entertaining you and such. but the thing is, i didnt expect you to stick to me. and of course, i cant stick to u all the time. i dunno. im sorry that we view relationships differently. im sorry you don't agree with how i feel. where i stand.

but please, stop ignoring me. i said i was sorry. i said i was wrong. i know what i did can't be undone. but please understand...i wasn't playing you for a fool. i was being my happy self.

please come back.

i miss u.

~*~
i lost someone important to me today. director punongbayan passed away today. he was my dad's mentor when my dad was still studying geology in UP. i got to meet him in the DOST caravan thingy...and he was telling me all sorts of stories about my dad. this indeed, is a sad day.

~*~
i sad. im productive. outwardly, im happy...chipper. but inside...im missing too many people. oh, and supposedly, ren and i would have been half a decade last sunday. shet.

rotc and then some

training is hard.

being a commissioned officer is hard.

and hurting someone who cares so much for you, is harder still.

im sorry i blew it.

and now, you won't take me back.

jello shots

for most part of it..
it was ok...
he was going way too fast
with all the lip action, but it was ok.

shet.

hindi ako lasing nun.
hindi din sha lasing nun.
we were two rational adult beings.
and yet, we acted like teenagers on a hormonal rampage.

there was a choice there.
and at around two am this morning, i made a choice.
and i closed my eyes.
and that was that.

he moved my arm towards his neck.
i was surprised.
i was amused.
and i followed his lead.

and everyone else
in the condo.
just sat there watching.

o god. why the hell did i do that?
i didn't even really know pao.

oh kevy, im so sorry.
im sorry.
i fucked it up again.

....

im mad.

i don't understand.

Jess tulong.

moments of uncertainty

*deep breathing in progress.

i have no friggin idea where my life is headed. for the first time in years, i have no idea where my life is headed. yes, there are the solid college plans, the double major...the law school that comes after it...the women's studies masters that comes after law school...the national defense college that comes after that...i have those...but they seem so empty.

basta, ang labo ng lahat bigla. kahit hindi halata na i absolutely have no idea what to do with my life, i really don't know what to do with it.

im going to the states in a few weeks, if all goes well. and i may never come back. question is, what would i do there? i don't want to be there, but certain situations and problems require me to be there. this is going to be the hardest decision of my life.

and there is days. i love days. i love the people there...and if i go to the states, i will have to say goodbye to days...and i've only staffed once. that's so hard for me, because i want to staff more. sana the day will come when i can staff without the discomfort of being near a ticking bomb.

i have tried my best to be a good person and to forgive. i have tried to love with abandon, and i did. i tried to be bitter, but Jess knows that i can't really do that. there are so many things to be thankful for. and i am thankful beyond compare.

BIL.

Jess,
una sa lahat, salamat sa lakas na ipinagkaloob mo sa akin sa nakalipas na linggo. alam natin pareho kung gaano kasakit at kahirap para sa akin ang pumunta sa A28. pero sabi ko sa iyo, gagawin ko, kasi para sa iyo e. kaya nagpakalakas ako, nagpakatapang. para kayanin ang batch. umiiyak ako sa inyo noong unang gabi, kasi hirap na hirap ako noon. sabi ko sa iyo, Jess, konting lakas pa...kailangan ko talaga. hindi ko mapigilan sarili ko. iyak ako nang iyak at hindi ako makatulog. hindi mo naman ako iniwan, hindi naman ako nabigo. binigyan mo pa ako ng mga kasama. salamat Jess, salamat talaga.
ngayon Jess may kailangan pa sana ako. kailangan ko ng tatag. kailangan ko na kasi mag-move on ng todo. para sa susunod na batch hindi na ganun kahirap ang sitwasyon ko. hindi ko alam Jess kung tama ba 'tong ginagawa ko na iniiwasan ko siya. pero wala na akong ibang maisip na paraan. hindi ko alam kung tama ba itong pag-iwas na rin sa iba. pero wala din akong ibang naisip na gawin. so yun, kailangan ko ng tatag.
pinakahuli, sana Jess maging masaya na siya. kasi yoon talaga ang gusto ko para sa kanya, kahit noon pa. wala akong pakialam kung masaktan pa ako ulit, basta maging masaya lang siya. samahan nyo po siya sa bawat araw...lalo na kung nahihirapan siya. kasi Jess, hindi ko kaya samahan pa siya kung saan man siya pupunta. paki-ingatan na lang para sa akin. at sana balang araw, mapagtanto niya kung gaano siya kaimportante sa akin.

amen.

hhmmm....

ok, so ganito. nalilito nanaman ako. nagulat ako sa sinabi niya. marahil, naive lang talaga ako. that or, as usual i am in utter denial. ewan.

i want to think that things will be alright between us. i mean, hindi naman masagwa yung nangyari sa amin. kumpara sa ibang nangyari sa aking mala-telenovelang love life, that is... it's just that i feel that im not ready for him and therefore, lolokohin ko lang sha kung sasabihin ko sa kanya na, oo mahal ko rin sha. kasi yun ang point. i can't be with someone i just like and don't love. sure, if i were still in high school and i didn't know any better, i would be with him now. but im not in high school anymore and things have drastically changed since then. at ayaw ko na ng mga relasyon na wala namang basehan. at kung meron, ang basehan nito ay puros kasinungalingan.

ayon nga sa Queer as Folk...

"love is just an excuse straight people give to get laid. and they end up hurting each other because the relationship was based on lies, to begin with."

iniisip ko tuloy. baka naman sinabi lang niya yun to get in my pants. putang inang yan. im sorry, i just can't help but be suspiscious. ewan.

*breathe...

oh well...ano pa nga ba magagawa ko? tapos na e. well, all i can do now is hope that he will be alright. doesn't matter now, if we will ever be friends again. what matters to me is he will get over whatever i unconsciously and consciously inflicted upon him. and yes, i miss him like hell.

punyetaaaaa....

/sobs

normal

things are going to be normal.

*breathe

cigarette butts

i know that what we have itsn't ideal at all. and i never thought it would become ideal. so why o why do you want it to be ideal???

i don't get it. i thought you liked things as they are. i liked them. why the hell do you want to change whatever we have? you knew where i was coming from...you knew the whole story. you knew i wasn't ready for anything other than what i could offer you. i made that clear from the very beginning. and i don't want to talk about changing anything. i like things as they are. please stop trying to make me change my mind. i liked you enough to make out with you...don't ask me to commit. please. a commitment is the last thing i need now. i have too many things to do.

and stop implying that you can't trust me because im not chinese. race was never an issue between us before. why should it matter now? is it because now you think there could be something more?

im telling you. i just can't do it. i care enough to be honest with you. and i can't do what you want me to do. i can't think the way you want me to think. we never agreed on everything. stop trying to make me agree to every goddamned word you say. it won't work. im my own person. just stop this nonesense.

goddammit...and i thought things would be better with you.

putang ina.

....

i can't help but see him differently now.

^_^ sana hindi mo malaman na linagay ko pa dito ito.

~*~

Unity is the beginning, success is the ending.
Though our ordeals are hard,
let patience be our guide.
For our hopes are high,
and the time is nigh.

Let it be known to all that Cadet Probationary 2nd Lieutenants Pineda and Rodriguez have undergone the COCC training this summer, and have successfully finished it. As such, they now hold the rank Cadet 2nd Lieutenant (Kadete Pulimagat), and enjoy all the privilages befitting their Commissioned Officer status.

I planned to call an officers' meeting before 01 April, but the personnel officer informed me that some officers are on vacation; thus, I will utilize this mailing group instead.As I have said in the past, I will be leaving projects to be done this summer vacation - Website, Officer's Manual, Corps Magazine, Inter-ROTC Rifle Drill Competition, and Inter-CAT Rifle Drill Competion. These projects are very dear to me, for it will show people that the Ateneo ROTC is alive and kicking, adaptive to change, and is not limited to "field duties" only. I instructed my staff, under the supervision of the Office of the Chief of Staff, to use all possible means to accomplish these missions.

I repeat, all possible means.C/2Lt Rodriguez will be heading the website construction and maintenance.The Office of the Chief of Staff will author the Officer's Manual.C/Maj Miranda will handle the production of the Corps Magazine.The Office of the Chief of Staff will head the planning of the Inter-ROTC and Inter-CAT/CAdT/CMT Rifle Drill Competitions.C/2Lt Pineda is in charge of the Marketing aspect of these projects.

I am pleased that some officers have showed their enthusiasm, initiative, dependability, loyalty, unity, and dedication by volunteering their time and effort to help in these projects.

Keep in mind that we are officers of the Ateneo ROTC. We have trained, endured trials and tribulations, and swore to uphold the honor and pride of OUR corps. Therefore, for all other officers who have not yet rendered their services, review your codes and the oaths you have taken.Our institution represents the noble traditions of Honor, Excellence and Loyalty.

Let us show these to others by uniting and showing our united strengths, especially to those who continuously attack and detract our corps. Let us show them what we can do.

"Probably the greatest thing in the world is doing something other people say you cannot do."

Esprit de Corps (Spirit of the Group)
Esprit de Corps is that inborn sentiment of courage,
of loyalty, and of duty
because of our pride in our country, our units,
and in ourselves.

Ad astra per aspera

~*~

waaahhh...mahal na kita ulet...bwahahahaha!!

joke lang.

surprises

haha.

kilala ko na kung sino ka. naaliw naman ako. pati ba dito, nasusundan mo pa buhay ko? waaah. hindi tamang nagstastalk ang isang mataas na opisyal! wahaha. salamat sa comment. hindi ko alam kung paano mo nalaman ang url ng blog ko pero salamat pa rin.

inoobserbahan mo ako?!

na-conscious naman ako bigla.

salamat pinasaya mo araw ko. yaan mo, pag kasama ko siya sa 'teneo...hindi ako magpapakita sa iyo! wahahaa...diba unbecoming of an officer pag nanapak ng civilian? baka ma-provost marshal ka nyan! pero teka, mas mataas naman rank mo sa kanya! pero pwede pa rin diba?

sorry sir, natutuwa lang ako masyado sa comment ninyo. at online ka pa ngayon! salamat sa lahat.

LONG LIVE THE WING!

plebe knowledge

i got the plebe knowledge thingies today. im in for a lot of work.

~*~

it's funny when you know someone's just pretending to be offline and you're pretending to be offline yourself. it's funny because it's sad. it's sad because we've built so many walls between us. and we've both burned our bridges. talking to you this afternoon made me realize how much farther you've backed off. it was father than i thought.

and that hurts.

although, im through with the ranting for now; im still musing about the whole thing. i see no point in ranting about things that cannot be changed. the choices you made were yours and it's just odd that i too have to live with your decisions. im not the type who runs away from whatever is at hand. i never really believed in running away, since i'd still be the same person wherever i go.

and i miss you, i really do.

and i've been counting my days from that moment in gonzaga when you walked away. and no matter what you say, you did walk out on me. not that i take it against you...it's just how it felt then and how it feels now.

i have no regrets.

i never regretted loving you. and i never regretted lashing out on you that night when i got out of your car. i don't regret getting it on with you, i don't regret getting hurt and crying over you. and i don't regret looking utterly stupid because i loved you.

these were my choices, i made them. and when you choose something it means you had some spine in you to think for yourself. and so therefore, i cannot regret my choices.

i hope all goes well in your life. rest assured, im not miserable...i never did deserve to be miserable.

....

to look life in the face...
to look it in the face and to know it.
to know it and to love it.
and lastly, to love it and to put it away.
-the Hours

/reels in pain as she looks life in the face.

stupidity 101

i can read DH Lawrence, and make sense out of it. i can read Neruda and completely immerse myself in his words. heck, i can even read Focault AND STILL THINK IT MAKES SENSE...point is, there's a lot of post modern artsy fartsy crap in this world...and i can make sense out of most of them. heck, in high school...i was the only one who understood that goddamned quasi lambda theory about the atom....

but my life?

I SIMPLY CANNOT COMPREHEND.

stupid instance #1
agreeing to see JR again. i didn't even have any second thoughts about it. i just went ahead, thinking that it would just be dinner between two old friends.

NOT.

it turned out to be a softer and toned down version of our past.

putanginangpakshetsha!

stupid instance #2
it's not just an instance, it's more like 2 WHOLE FRIGGIN' MONTHS...

i insist on loving timothy even if i know that it will...

1. blow up in my face
2. eventually hurt me
3. and that he will eventually meet someone he likes...o wait! he's already done that!

and of course, being the queen of the martyrs, i cry silently as i watch him go head over heels over my "sister". greaaaatt... but do i do anything else? do i really do anything else? NO! i just go ahead and keep my peace. i have no hold over him, anyway. he will do as he pleases.

pero putang ina. masakit.

stupid instance #3

me going on like none of these things happened. i dunno. what is it about me? i never seem to hold on to any kind of grudge. i want to, but i can't. i just can't. and it sucks. i want to be angry. at timothy, at JR and every asshole who has hurt me.

but do i do it?

NOOOOO...

i just continue living. and the moment any one of them needs any kind of help, im back at their side. and just like that, all is forgiven.


stupid. stupid. stupid.

galit ako

for once.

galit na talaga ako. as in not bitter-y type na galit.

galit ako sa iyo, Julian.

bakit ba pinakikialaman mo pa participant ko gayong wala ka naman ginagawa para sa sarili mong participant? bakit kailangan saluhin ko kapalpakan mo? ano bang problema mo? kasalanan ko ba na iresponsable kang tao at simpleng petsa lang hindi mo matandaan? simpleng APRIL15-17 lang, hindi mo pa maintindihan?hindi mo pa maitatak sa kukote mo?

aba, putang ina.

hindi ko na kasalanan iyon. so, why do you go about fucking up OTHER people's lives? alam mo ba na hindi na ako pupuntang Cebu para sa batch na ito? alam mo diba? ikaw nag-convince sa akin na wag na pumunta sa Cebu. kahit alam ko na na malilintikan ako sa magulang ko, sa pamilya ko...sa mga kaibigan kong protestante, pumayag ako. kasi putang ina, naniwala ako sa iyo.

alam mo ba na mag-cocommute ako to and fro Laguna sa April 1 para makarating sa meeting ng Days dahil may evsem sa Matanglawin sa Laguna ng march 31-April 4?

alam mo ba na halos 200 people na ang na-sendan ko ng message sa friendster ni ienne para sa palancas nya? alam mo ba na andami ko nang tinawagan na HS batchmates nya? alam mo ba na ilang beses ko na kinausap nanay nya para maayos ito? alam mo ba na kinulit ko mga kabarkada natin para magawan si ienne ng magandang scrapbook para sa palancas nya? alam mo ba na pumupunta ako sa meetings kahit na may duty ako sa ROTC at under threat of punishment ako?

para saan?

kasi naniniwala ako na worth it si ienne. kasi si ienne yun. and what do you do? you just go ahead and fuck things up.

putang ina ka!

terriblly worried

i've been trying to call tita shirley all morning today. no one was picking up the phone. i was getting worried. i decided to check if jason sent me anything. bingo. tita shirley is having a brain operation on the 23rd. although the tumor is benign, im still worried. very. very worried. and of course, jason is worried as hell.

i need to go there, fast.

question is: how?

i need to be there.

tula sa ngayon

Gnosis
Ni Edgar Calabia Samar

Walang laman ang kuweba
nang dumating sila. Kaba

ang nanuot sa kanilang laman:
ano ang nangyari sa katawan?

Ito na kaya ang misteryo
ng naiwang mga aninong

iginapos ng dantaon,
hanggang ibunyag sa Tbon:

ang bungo't kalansay ay buntis
sa espiritung nanlalamig.

ser, congrats sa MA ninyo! :D

at oo, paubos na ang laman ng kuweba ko. at masakit ang dahan-dahang pag-agos ng mga laman nito.

how apt.

tish10124: as the status goes.."another suitcase in another hall..." all this week that's what i've felt...that you're no different from the other suitcases i've held and the other halls i've fled

hmmm...

im supposed to be studying. instead im blogging away...

teh poem for today...


KAHIT SANDALI

Sa ganda ng mundo

Kalungkutan sa iba'y dulot

Hawi ang puso nila

Sa pasya ng kapalaran.

Malungkot man

Magdiwang

Upang ikay ngumiti

Kahit sandali.

Dinggin ang mga ibon

Tubig sa dalampasigan

Sila'y isipin

At magpahinga.

Sa mga taong nakalipas

Ika'y magpasalamat

Sa pagdating niya.

Kahit Sandali.

Ika'y magpahinga

Kahit Sandali

Kung ang buhay

ay puno ng kalungkutan.

-val fianza

oo. magpapahinga na ako't magpapasalamat.

what now?

"Another Suitcase In Another Hall"

[Eva:]
I don't expect my love affairs to last for long
Never fool myself that my dreams will come true
Being used to trouble I anticipate it
But all the same I hate it, wouldn't you?

[Chorus:]

[Eva:] So what happens now?
[Che:] Another suitcase in another hall
[Eva:] So what happens now?
[Che:] Take your picture off another wall
[Eva:] Where am I going to?
[Che:] You'll get by, you always have before
[Eva:] Where am I going to?

Time and time again I've said that I don't care
That I'm immune to gloom, that I'm hard through and through
But every time it matters all my words desert me
So anyone can hurt me, and they do

[chorus]

Call in three months time and I'll be fine, I know
Well maybe not that fine, but I'll survive anyhow
I won't recall the names and places of each sad occasion
But that's no consolation here and now.

[chorus, with Che's lines being sung by the starlets]

[Huevo:]
Don't ask anymore.

i don't have to ask?

duwag duwag duwag

sabi noon sa akin ni sir egay (isa sa mga paborito kong guro sa Ateneo), madalas daw inuulit ang mga salita sa panitikan upang magkaroon ng emphasis o di kaya, ng paglago ang salita. ano ngayon, diba?

duwag duwag duwag...

parang ayoko nang gumalaw. ayoko nang huminga. ayoko nang maglakad. ni isang yabag. ayoko na talaga. ayoko ko na pumunta ng 'teneo. ayoko nang makita ka. ayoko na masaktan. ayoko nang mahalin ka. ayoko nang umiyak. ayoko nang mabaliw.

ang dami ko namang ayaw gawin.

bakit?

dahil duwag ako. lubos na akong naduduwag sa mga panahong ito. lubos akong takot ko sa kahit ano pang sasabihin mo. nakapanlulunos isipin na sa ilang sandali, magkikita tayo. at doon magsisimula ang katapusan ng lahat. at natatakot ako doon.

gusto ko nananaman umalagwa. gusto kong tumakbo at 'wag nang lumingon. gusto kong lumipad at masunog ng araw. basta, gusto ko nang lumayo sa putang inang lugar na ito. kasi wala namang saysay ang pagiging "ako" sa lugar na ito. walang saysay ang meron na ako sa lugar na ito. mainit sa lugar na ito. mag-isa ako at walang tubig. disyerto ang buhay ko. isang buwakananginang disyerto. at mag-isa ako dito. walang mesias or ponsyo pilatong sasagip. walang kasama.

mag-isa...mag-isa...mag-isa...mag-isa...PUTANG INA! MAG-ISA!

magmamahal...magmamahal...
magkakalayo...magkakalayo....
mababaliw...mababaliw...mababa....

tanga tanga tanga

Bagong panahon
ang kaharap ngayon.
Nalilitong diwa,
Iba't-ibang bersyon.
Gunaw daw ang kasunod.
Delubyo.
Baha.
Pagyanig.
Apoy.
Linlangin ang pangamba,
basagin ang takot.
-Transisyon, Reynaldo F. Tamayo

malupit ang tadahana. malupit din ako sa sarili ko. naniwala ako na tama ang mga senysales, na tama ang kutob ko. sinabi ko sa iyo na hindi na tayo kailanman dapat mag-usap. hindi ako nagbigay ng kahit ano pang dahilan, kahit ano pang paliwanag. basta, sinabi ko na lang na hindi na tayo dapat mag-usap.

may dahilan ako. marami akong dahilan.

akala ko kasi, kakayanin ko mag-isa. kaya kong masaktan mag-isa, kayang kong malasing mag-isa, kaya kong pasanin ang mundo mag-isa. kaya ko lahat mag-isa. pero tinitignan ko ang sarili ko ngayon, mali ako.

palagay ko rin kagabi, mas mabuti nang ganito. tutal, wala naman talagang mawawala sa iyo. ang problema nga lang, lahat nawala sa akin. kalunos-lunos ang takbo ng agos ng buhay ko. sinubukan kong pigilan, lagyan ng piring ang aking mga mata. ngunit hindi ito sapat upang huwag nang matuloy ang delubyong dumating.

naniwala ako na kailangan mo ng isang taong hindi na magdadala sa iyo ng sakit. isang taong mamahalin ka lang. isang taong hindi komplikado (at hindi ako iyon). isang taong gumagamit ng utak. ako kasi, puso ko lang ginagamit ko. at tignan mo ang nangyari? nasaktan lang kita.

duwag ako.

duwag na duwag. natakot akong saktan ka pa nang labis. natakot akong mahalin ka pa nang labis. matapos ang lahat nang sinabi nila sa akin, naiintindihan na kita. hindi ko sinabi sa iyo na hindi lang ako sa iyo tumatakbo. hindi ko sinabi sa iyo, na pag masakit na talaga..nagwawala ako sa piling nila. hindi ko rin sinabi sa iyo na ikaw talaga ang kailangan ko noong mga panahong iyon pero hindi naman maari na parati kang andyan sa tabi ko.

tulad ngayon.

tulog na tulog ka. pagod na pagod sa maraming bagay. marahil, pagod ka na rin sa akin. sa aking mga problema, sa akin mga galit, sa aking mga kakatwang mga dinadala. hindi kita masisisi. dahil sinubukan mo naman makinig. sinubukan mo naman akong intindihin. subalit napakahirap kong intindihin. malimit, hindi ko rin maintindihan ang aking sarili.

tanga ako.

tanga ako kasi sinubukan kong mahalin ka. inisip ko na hindi titigil ang pagmamahal. na iingatan ako nito. na magiging kanlungan ko ito. inisip ko na magiging kalatas ko ito laban sa anumang sakit na maaring dumating.

tanga ako kasi naging kampante ako. hindi ako nag-ingat. naging palagay ako na hindi ka mawawala. na hindi mo ako pakakawalan. na hindi ka titigil sa paglalakad kasama ko. lihis na ang mga landas natin ngayon. at natatakot akong lumiko umpang makita kang muli.

ano ngayon?

ayoko na sabihin na wala kang pakialam sa akin dahil alam ko naman na hindi totoo iyon. sa ganang akin, kung ang pakialam na iyon ay nagdadala sa iyo ng suliranin, hagupit at kung anu-ano pa, mas gugustuhin kong wala na lang.

dahil mahal na mahal kita at ayokong nahihirapan ka. mas gugustuhin kong lumayo at mapag-isa habang buhay kaysa nariyan ka sa tabi ko't nasasaktan. hindi ako nag-sisisi na minahal kita. datapwa't walang nasasayang sa pagmamahal. naniniwala ako diyan. kaya patuloy pa rin kitang mamahalin. hindi lang dahil gusto ko, ngunit dahil wala akong ibang alam gawin.

"Hindi Mahalaga"

hindi mahalaga
ano man ang nangyari
ang mahalaga ay
nagkatagpo tayo
hindi mahalaga
kung lumisan ka
ang mahalaga ay
pinilit kitang manatili
hindi mahalaga
kung doon ka tumingin
ang mahalaga ay
sinubukan kong
mapalingon ka
hindi mahalaga
kung gusto mong pumikit
ang mahalaga ay
niyaya kitang dumilat
hindi mahalaga
kung naisip mong
ako ay kalimutan
ang mahalaga ay
naalala kita
hindi mahalaga
kung nawala ka
ang mahalaga ay
narito pa rin ako
para sa akin
narito pa rin tayo

ni: Reynaldo F. Tamayo (1994-1997)

stellar

when everything that could go wrong did go wrong...you came along and made things a little less unbearable. thank you for lighting up my world with stars at noon.

i am grateful.

i'll support you. whatever path you take, whoever you want to pursue *ahem* i will support you. not just because i love you but because we're friends and i consider you one of my best allies.

thank you for posting what you posted. it made me feel less alone.

mahal na mahal kita. and as i said before, when i said i loved you, i loved all you. even the asshole-ish, bratty and insensitive parts of you.i loved/love everything.

^__^

walang tulog

shet.

im still working...i've been working since 8 pm....and what time is it? it's five am...friggin half past 5 am...i am seriously contemplating getting some zz's....but i have to transcribe things for pol sci pa. omigod...defense na later...

this is not good.

this is terrible...

i wanna rest for a while, but i can't.

maybe i should just liten to the tape...so i'd know how much more i have to transcribe. o god. please, help me get through this day. im not even ready for my sci 10 LT and german LT! i have to read sci 10 in a little while!

should stop blogging away now.

...

DON'T QUIT

When things go wrong as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
When you want to smile but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest if you must but don't you quit!

Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As many of us sometimes learn.
And many a failure turns about,
When he might have won, had he stuck it out.
Don't give up though the pace seems slow,
You may succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than
What it seems to a faint and faltering man.
Often the struggler has given up
When he might have won the victor's cup.
And he learned too late when the light came down
How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out,
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt.
And you can never tell how close you are
It may be nearer when it seems far.
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit--
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit!

~*~

i won't quit. i can't. and i wouldn't be able to stand myself if i did. so here i am. with a new relationship. my second "lesbo" relationship. i don't like objectifiying people i love. i think obejectifying is a sign of dominance. therefore, i also don't like it when people objectify me. it irritates the hell out of me. but then again, people will be people. and i don't think the whole population even knows what objectifying is.

*sighs*

it's funny that it's only today i finally admitted to her that i've been more attracted to her than anyone else i've met. it's odd, actually. im with her a minimum of 6 hours a day and i didn't even have the balls (o well yes, i don't have balls to begin with, but i meant figuratively) to tell her that. even if i knew that she liked me. she wasn't even drunk when she admitted that. it was the day timothy and i got into a marvelously big fight. and i didn't even take her seriously that night. i had too much on my half tipsy mind.

all's well that ends well.

shall practice bad german, shall i?

ich möchte nicht Sie mehr lieben.und ich kann ohne Sie leben.die Sie gerade gehen können, um sich zu bumsen.
Sie wissen, was? es gibt keinen Punkt, wenn man Sie dort liebt, ist ernsthaft kein Punkt! Guter Lord, sind Sie nicht ein gutes Geschlecht gleichmäßig!verlassen Sie so einfach ein mein Leben, seit im nicht bequemem irgendwie!ich hoffe, Sie glücklich sind, daß Sie mich oben verwirrten.

Sie sind eine schreckliche Person, Sie sollten das wissen.

hahaha...

very very bad Deutsch.

moving on...

today was alright. i finally got to decide if im staying in matanglawin or moving on. i guess i was forced to decide, anyways. what can i say? im not crying over an org position. what for? and i have two, maybe three more years left in the ateneo. that's a helluva long time, if you ask me. and have to do lots of things for atenista.net and rotc. things that i have been neglecting for mata. and besides, i still have enta and soccer. i still have a lot to do. and there is simply no point in wallowing over this.and i believe there is no point in wallowing over anything. which is why today, i got myself a new girl friend. seriously, mabilis talaga ang turn over pag ako ang kausap mo. hahahaha. i hope this turns out great. meaning, i hope we don't hate each other afterwards. because as we all know, girl friends are far more precious and better at everything than any guy.

*sigh*

i miss jason

for the first time in months, i miss jason.

i really really miss him. i should get off my ass and just go there myself, or something. i know that seeing me loving someone else is painful for him. and i wish i could do something to ease his pain. i wish i could just have a change of heart and go back to him.

i wish. i wish.

but beyond the wishful thinking, i have to do a lot of things. fix a lot of things. be there for a lot of people. and basically spread myself thin for the next few weeks.

my heart is breaking.

and for the first time in weeks....i want to stop loving you. not that you did anything in specific to make me want to. but because. i am hurt. and im stressed. and loving someone right now isn't really the best thing to do. how can i make room for someone else if im too full of problems?

and i don't want to (ill say this again) drag you into my mess. maybe, someday when all of these things have blown over i'll tell you again that i love you.

but not now.

stress

im sorry for everything.

im so stressed.

pero that isn't an excuse.

these are my mistakes and i should deal with them.

"my mistakes, no excuses" (one of the best things i got from ROTC)

to give and not count the costs
to fight and not heed the wounds.

tired

i am tired of this sem.

i have still have a week to go.

i am so fucking tired.
im trying so hard to see the bright side of things.

my eyes hurt

i have been awake for too long and it looks like i will be awake till tomorrow. my eyes hurt already. and frankly..i can't just stop working.

i think i should go and work (again) now.

/incoherence takes over

post game trauma

"anything less than mad, passionate, extraordinary love is a waste of your time. there are too many mediocre things in life to deal with and love shouldn't be one of them."
---A DREAM FOR AN INSOMNIAC
- i agree.

today i realized two things:

1. all wounds do heal in time BUT when someone fouls the hell out of you, these wounds open up again and they become more painful. this applies to ALL wounds.

-it's like when someone you've been trying so hard to forget and forgive suddenly pops out of nowhere and wants to be friends. FOUL!
-it's like when someone you love hurts you and then acts like nothing wrong happened after you said "it's alright"
-it's like when i tell myself that it's over but i know that it's not.

2. there is more to life than being happy.

-pain is also good. in all its forms.
-i can be happy and yet feel pretty used inside
-i can be happy only if i let go of the things i refuse to let go of

~*~
the game was BAD. i hated the way i got injured. it hurt. and i had to get off the field because of it.

fuuuucccckkk....

but anyways, there's more. i was doing defense against miriam. i was right in front of the goal. the ball was coming straight at me. i tried to bounce it out with my chest (yes, my boobies) but it bounced off my hand. penalty kick sila. hand ball. punyeta. pumasok pa.

my team mate (who always played forward but was sent to the wing defense by coach for god knows what reason) kept on screaming instructions to me while i was doing mid field. punyeta. i got so distracted. shet. i officially hate mid field.

coach got this bright idea and put ME of all people in mid field forward. shet. shet. it was a disaster. i couldnt penetrate the defense. three people were ganging up on me. shet.

i ended up running up and down the WHOLE field.

punyeta.

~*~

and to add to my misery..a quote sent out by my love sick rotc classmate...

"It's funny how we set qualifications for the right person to love while at the back of our minds we know that the person we truly love will always be an exception"
---Ally McBeal

post retreat

given my previous lj rant, i will not rant here.

what did i realize this weekend? i should simplify my life.

and simplify i will.

god knows i will get rid of all the excess baggage i've been carrying.

must rest now.

accident prone

accident prone ako. it's true, it's been proven countless painful times...

*think happy thoughts*

hmmm....

food?

ice cream! ice cream! pesto! pesto! huhuhuuuu......

i want mashmallow mocha again....huhuhuuu....

stars?

i want to go stargazing.

..::...::...:::...:::...:::...:::....:::....:::..:::..:::..:::...:::...::::....:::....::::....::::...::::.::::......::::......::::.....:::...:::....:::

hello. i am incoherence.

hi. im stupidity.

and we are taking over tish's brain, NOW!

*lighting strikes*

*manical laughter*

today

im gearing up for the prod party by....

drinking wine...

im trying...trying to live without u...and i can't really say i've been successful...but saturday is another challenge in itself...

haha.

still feeling terrible

this PMS is getting to me...

and no, there is no bright side of things when it comes to this...

there is no bright side to many things in my life. in the "pseudo-us"...in YOU and maybe, IN ME.

|sniff|

must go and study for bonus long test in sci 10.

today was not stellar

today might just be the most disappointing day of my life. my classes were boring (except for history, of course...which is never ever boring). so boring i was half falling asleep when i was writing down my notes.

i skipped the much needed taek training & lunch to wait for timothy, who consequently arrived too late and stayed beside me too fleetingly.

and also, the ed in chief of mata is taking a leave of absence for the next few weeks. which means that i have to stay at the pub most of the time to answer calls and queries. which also means that he will not be there should the time come that mata is faced with a barage of problems.

the printing of the 3rd issue was not good. IT WAS TERRIBLE. im suddenly scared of becoming managing ed...actually, im scared of handling any other position other than sec gen. i think im scared because of my lack of being "politicized". im not politicized and im doomed to be my little bourgieous self till i die.

it sucks.

i think staying away is the best thing to do. i just feel that you don't want me in your life anyway. with that being said, i would like to ephasize the word FEEL.

it hurts.

when will this stop? prolly when i stop loving you. but i don't want to do that.

the cookie never crumbles

i have to thank my parents for instilling in me the urgent need to go to church on Sundays...somehow...today's message shall get me through this week...and the next...and the one after that.

oo nga naman. it will be alright.

and i know deep in my heart that things will turn out alright.

today

im not sure how i feel...

i want to talk to you but i don't want to talk to you.

i want to keep on loving you but i want to stop this madness...

all you do is hurt me. and i can't even get myself to accept that. i want to give up. NOW. i want to but i just can't get myself to do it. i hope this one week hiatus will do us both some good. because personally, i don't know what to do anymore. if i had my way, we'd talk when classes are over. because i want you to study. i want you to work.

and i want to get used to living without you...seeing that it is highly possible at the moment.

punyeta.

timothy, i honestly don't know why the hell i love you. it trancends all known logic. it is illogical, unreasonable and completely irrational to love you. it really is. and i don't why i keep on doing it. but nevertheless, even if i don't know why...i still do.

i just wish you'd resolve your issues. they're not making you easier to love and understand. your issues are becoming such a pain in the arse.

YOU REALLY ARE A PAIN.

i honestly think so.

horrid

my back hurts from the coins left under my sheets...
my head hurts from being in an aircon classroom to being in the pocket garden in bel...
my lungs hurt from too much smoking...

and my heart hurts...from loving you too much...

punyeta ka.

punyeta kayong lahat..

punyeta kayong lahat na nanakit sa akin. wala naman akong ginagawa ah. hindi ko kayo sinaktan. minahal ko kayong lahat. buong-buo.walang kulang. pero eto. eto ang sukli sa lahat ng pagtiyatyaga ko sa inyo.

hijo de puta!

hindi ko maintindihan kung dapat ba akong matuwa o magalit sa mga nabasa ko sa blog mo. i honestly don't know how to react. pucha. i have no idea how to react, wala talaga. i wish you well, i really do.

my only other wish is...i wish you were honest with me.

and that you loved me instead.

over and done

weee!!!

for the first time in weeks...i am happy and at peace with myself..

BUT IM REALLY TIRED...

will write more tomorrow later, if humanly possible...

:D

today

*in der Liebe und defektem Herzen

~*~ayoko na mag-drama. eveything hurts too much to even begin writing about it.

putcha

today

~*~in der Liebe und defektem Herzen.

ayaw ko na mag-drama. evertyhing is too painful to even begin writing about it.

*reels in pain.

putcha.

dying

kristel gave me hell today. about everything. but let's not talk about that.

i got a letter from jason today.

and me feeling horrible about it is an understatement. i feel more than horrible. once again, ms. tisha nami martinez has wrecked multiple lives in one shot. tang ina. i have wrecked my parents' plans, his parents' plans, our plans, his plans and consequently his heart. i have messed up jason dino kalugdan's life for the nth time. it's bad enough that he lost most of his lifelong friends because of me. and i feel terrible that i didn't love him enough...that i didn't try to understand. im so sorry jason. i should have tried to love you again. but what can i do? you said it yourself. you don't want to make this work. you want me out your life. and even though i don't love you anymore, i wanted you to be in my life. and even if you say that i'll always be part of your life and heart...somehow it does feel like i have no right to be there. because i hurt you and i destroyed whatever notion you had of stability, love and happiness. and im so sorry jason. i really am. i wish i could do something to make this work. i wish i could go there right now, and fall into you arms. i wish i could tell you that i want us to be alright and i can try to fall in love with you once again.

it hurts.

and if YOU read this. i want to cry in your arms...but i know you don't want to see me...

so there.

putang ina

before i start ranting, i want to apologize in advance to YOU. this isn't about YOU.

thank you.

putang ina mo jason. i hate you today. i thought you wanted to work things out. i thought you wanted to get on with everything...including the wedding. pero putang ina! hindi ka naman tumawag. hindi ka nagpasabi kung bakit hindi ka makakatawag. anong akala mo? jason, i was willing to go back to you. i was willing to risk my happiness for you. and this is what you do. salamat ha. salamat dahil four the past four, fucking four years ikaw ang naging dahilan ng halos lahat ng depression na naranasan ko. linoloko ko ang sarili ko kung sasabihin ko na "it's alright, i understand". dahil putang ina, i don't understand. and no matter how i try, i can't get myself to see why you're being such an asshole. face it dear, you are a major asshole. more than most of the assholes i've encountered my whole life. and i have met a lot. (paging ren! paging joseph and let's not forget...paging JR!)

pero eto na e.

ngayon lang nagsisink-in sa akin na mag-isa na ako. mag-isa na ako bigla. takte, dumarating din pala ang point na ganito? akalain mo. hahaha.

kaya ko 'to. kahit mag-isa ako.

*chants romans 8:28*

Lord, im not really sure why all of these crap is happening. pero i know that even though i think my plans are best, you plans are PERFECT. and im sorry Lord for all the rage and cursing aforementioned. i just needed to get this out. anyways Lord, i know that you will never ever give me something i cannot handle. and if i trust in You, everything will turn out right. i believe this is so. and all im asking is for You to send me people to keep me sane for the next couple of days. focus your eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of your faith. who for the joy set before Him, denied heaven, took up the cross so that you might be saved.

galatians says: tish, FORGIVE OTHERS AS CHRIST HAS FORGIVEN YOU.

*there i feel better.

today & tomorrow

i will have to face the music tomorrow. i really have to. i have to talk to him. and tell him EVERYTHING..if im brave enough to do it, that is. if i have the balls to tell him that yes, i did touch someone else's balls. and he has the right to be totally mad at me. and blame me for everything.

and yes, i still love you. but thank God it doesn't hurt that much anymore. it will be alright, i know it will be. i'll always be here for you, no matter what life throws at us. and i know that God will always be there for you...especially when i can't be there for you.

and i hope you know that im not mad at you, or anything like that. and i do love you. i may never tell you again for a long time, but i do. and whatever happens, you will always have a part of my heart.

pagod

shet. pagod na pagod ako.

salamat andyan ka.

it will be alright

it's good that i have friends. and they understand me...i am grateful to have friends like that. it's one thing to love someone..and it's a completely different thing to sacrifice yourself for the happiness of that person.

in utter brutal honesty, gusto ko kayo magkaayos.ayaw ko na confused ka about how you feel. i know that she isn't being the best person right now, but take this as an opportunity to prove your sincerity. c'mon dear, you went to her house. i know that. you didn't tell me but i knew. i think it's only fair to her that you keep those promises you made. and i don't want her to get hurt...even if it does mean that i'd be reeling in pain for the next few months. i'd rather get hurt that see someone else get hurt because of me. and i know that deep inside of you...YOU LOVE HER...NOT ME.accepted na 'yon e. at dahil mahal kita, handa akong masaktan para sa iyo.

you're the only person who can read this blog. and i hope that you get to read this in time. oo nga, mahal na mahal kita...pero hindi ako makasarili. im not selfish. at least i try not to be when it really matters. and i hope you know that nothing will change between us. i'd still be your friend and your ally. and i'd support every decision that you'll make. even it means that i'd be stabbing myself (figuratively) in the process. it's because i'd rather see you with someone else than you be with me and that someone else getting hurt. at alam ko rin na second choice mo lang ako. ayos lang yun. pero i'd rather not be an option. you made your choice when you fell in love with her.magkakagulo lang kung piliin mo ako. and personally, i think that hindi mo kaya ipagtanggol ang sarili mo at ako kung piliin mo ako. serious ako dun.

oo nasasaktan ako sa lahat ng nangyari. pero hindi pa rin dahilan iyon para ipagpilitan ko ang sarili ko sa iyo. i'll be content to love you. just love you.

ayan e..drama nanaman.

this is it

i feel like shit.

thank you love for messing up my life again...how many times do you have to do this before i learn that you bring pain with you? how many times do you have to pulvurize my soul before i realize that i should run away each and every time that you rear you beautiful (too beautiful) head?

putang inang buhay 'to.

ang hirap pala maging tanga, forgiving and a friend all at the same time.

of course, ngayon ko lang na-realize na ganun pala ako.

tanga nga e.

nasaktan nanaman ako...at alam ko na walang ibang may kasalanan kundi ako...ako lang ang may kasalanan sa lahat..sa lahat lahat.

if i didn't choose jason four years ago, i'd probably be with aree. or joseph. but nooo...i just had to choose him over other more reasonable choices.

AND NOW....

im trying to choose him over someone.

the difference: i don't think i love him enough to trust him again.

timo, please don't feel bad about this. this shouldn't be you problem. it's my burden.

i should start picking up the pieces RIGHT now. i should tell myself over and over again that im going to be alright...till i believe the lie myself.

ayan e.

im not bitter..just in pain.

this goes to YOU

i don't want to fall in love with you. in fact, i don't want to fall in love with anyone. i don't hate you. it's just that it's hopeless and i don't want to be writhing in pain once more. and that is reason enough for me not to fall in love with you. and it doesn't help that im just your friend. will always be just your friend. i hope you never get too see this. i hope you just forget that i ever existed. because falling in love with you would be a mistake.

and i've commited that mistake.

im falling in love with you and i barely know you.

you can't love me because you don't know me.

so what to do?

i will procastinate the hell out of here

i will move on with my life.

and i will try to teach my heart to stop loving people who cannot and will not love me.

and ill try to forget you.

that seems an awful lot to do.

loving you from a distance seems a little easier to do, less tasking.

but it would hurt more. i think.

by now, i should be used to getting hurt. but the thing is, im always optimistic. and i almost always give things a chance. i always try to see the goodness in people. and it really wasn't that hard to see the goodness that you have. it was all about you, intoxicating me. and it's sad that i never will tell you. it's sad that you'll never know. but i guess it's only right that i never tell you.

that im here. and im falling in love with you.

pakshet.

after the game...

after the game, a new game begun.
and i feel lost.
i am tired of loving people
who will never love me back.

and i've been scared
all along
even if...
i do seem stronger than the rest

i was just sitting there
glorifying myself
in the ackward silences
that we had

i wasn't sure what to say
i didn't know what to do
and im still
in silence

people think that im brave
but in truth, im not
im just someone
who can act real well

but i think
i've acted for too long
i guess it's about time

for me to let go
let go of the idea
of the dream....
that after everything...
there is someone waiting

there is someone waiting
and i have been waiting in vain.

exactly how i feel

Tonight I Can Write
-pablo neruda

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Write, for example, ‘The night is starry
and the stars are blue and shiver in the distance.’

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

Through nights like this one I held her in my arms.
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.

She loved me, and sometimes I loved her too.
How could I not have loved her great still eyes.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.

To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is starry and she is not with me.

This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

My sight tries to find her as though to bring her closer
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.

The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.

I no longer love her, that’s for certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.

Another’s. She will be another’s. As she was before my kisses.
Her voice, her bright body. Her infinite eyes.

I am no longer in love with her, that’s certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.

Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

Though this be the last pain she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her.

rebuilding...

masyado na ata ako natutuwa dito sa aking brand new blog. "secret" kasi sha e. kaya i can rant and rant at walang magcocomment or makababasa kasi secret nga e.

well, except si timo..malamang mababasa din nya ito. (hah!stalker ka dude!) bwahahaha...

anyways, as i said earlier i was going out for some starbuck's with nelli. nelli is my best friend and also my ex best friend. ex best friend?? baket? to make a long sordid story short, inagawan ko sha ng minamahal. so ayun, mula noon...hindi na naging maayos ang relationship namin.

back to the present. i really appreciate that she goes out of her way to spend time with me. with everything that she does (she works at a call center and is a member of UP manila's chorale) nagyayaya pa rin sha na lumabas minsan. touched nga ako kasi "best" pa rin ang tawag niya sa akin even if im not really the "best friend". baka in our case, talagang applicable yung "time heals all wounds". it's safe to say na we're rebuilding our friendship. after more than a year since the "incident". and i've come to realize that no guy is worth loosing your best friend. kasi when that guy leaves you, your best friend will still be there. kaya eto ako, nagsisisi ako na pinili ko si ren over nelli. and hindi naman ganon kagaling ang relationship namin ni ren kaya walang kwenta lang.

nelli, im so sorry for everything that happpened & the pain i inflicted on you. there's no excuse for it, best. and im not planning to make one anytime soon. i hurt you when i should have just let go of him. hindi ko kasi na-realize na marami naman palang lalaki sa mundo. i hope you know that after everything, i feel na i will always be indebted to you...kaya salamat sa pakakaibigan. nasaktan kita, at nanghihinayang ako sa panahong nawala sa atin. dapat talaga nakinig ako sa iyo noon ng mas mabuti. i should have been more sensitive. salamat nelli, sa pagintindi mo sa akin. i am grateful.

ayan, drama nanaman. ayos lang. wala namang ibang makababasa e.

tinatamad ako

yan na nga ba sinasabi natin e.

tinatamad nananman ako. as usual.

inaaya ako ni nelli mag-starbucks.

sige na nga..mamaya na ako magaaral.

*teh evol grin*

mga bagay na kailangan pag-isipan

gestern starb ich schon heute

nakakaaliw naman ang phrase na yan. "yesterday i died today" ang labo if you think about it, pero i think that's what i've been doing for most part of my life. i've been killing myself way before my time. i grew up way before my time. i got beaten up by ex when i should have been enjoying my life.

in short, too many things have happened in my life.

and im only 18, for christssake's!

and things have been increasingly faster as of late.

anyways, i want to say some thank you's...

• thank you kristel for being my best friend and seeing me through the difficult times of my life.
• thank you makers of "american beauty" and "american history x" for showing me where im headed at this rate.
• thank you love for the relationship that will be ending pretty soon.
• thank you benevolent spirit for reminding me that no matter what life throws at me, there is no need to be afraid.
• thank you jason for loving me and how human i can be. know that even if our journey as a couple is ending, i will always be here for you and i do love you. and i just want to be fair to both of us.
• thank you jesus for giving up the glory of heaven in exchange for the shame of the cross.
• thank you past boy friends. especially YOU jr, for making me less "tanga" and YOU ren for helping differentiate between liar, pathological liar at complete asshole.
• and thank you to pain, for making me stronger. ika nga sa kill bill: "what doesn't kill you will only make you stronger."

ayun. ayos.

timo...kung makikita mo ito, stalker ka!! hehe.. joke lang

haha

akalain mo ba namang may nakabasa na ng blog ko...

well, i think it's because i *ahem* "advertised" it on my YM. so meaning, my "secret blog" is not so secret anymore. *whispers to self: never ever use your blogspot addy for you YM status!!*

bukas, baka hindi ako mag-rotc. im torn between resting up and doing my schoolwork OR going to the training day to AVOID making a milcor. ayan e, umaandar nanaman katamaran ko e. gusto ko sana uminom and stuff like that tomorrow, pero HINDI pwede kasi may game kami sa sunday...maaga ang game, it's in zobel pa...malayo yun sa bahay ko... yet one more reason for me not to go to rotc tomorrow.

so ayun.

my heart is still breaking, and i don't think anyone will be here to save it. so ayan, parang gusto ko nanaman mawala na lang sa mundong ibabaw. pero hindi naman pwede na gawin ko lang basta, diba? pero anyways...hindi naman ganoon kasagwa ang buhay ko. actually (nasabi ko na ito sa LJ ko) i have a lot to be thankful for.

lately lang, napansin ko na bilga ako nagkaka-angst tuwing ako na maghuhugas ng pinggan sa bahay namin. bigla ko naiisip na maliit talaga ang allowance ko, no matter what angle i choose to take..no matter how i look at it, maliit talaga para sa isang college student. it is not humanly possible to live on 1800 a month, na hindi ka hinahatid at sinusundo ng car papunta sa school at kung saan-saan pa. ewan ko ba sa parents ko kung bakit hindi ata nila maintindihan ang concept ng inflation kapag ina-apply sa tunay na buhay.

ewan.

tapos sisisihin ko sila kasi nagpaka "we will live by faith" sila nung bata pa ako. kaya hindi sila nagsumikap na magpakayaman. mga tipong ganon. sana lang ha, walang mangulit sa akin habang naghuhugas ako ng pinggan kasi baka may masabi pa akong hindi kalugodlugod.

ayun.

anways, i have to go now. family dinner thingy. shet.