Huwebes, Abril 28

nasasaktan ako...bumalik ka rito

if you ever get to read this. know that i feel terrible about the whole ordeal. and i feel regret. deep regret. i know you may never talk to me...and you may want to annihilate me from the face of this planet...but hear me out. i know that im not as monogamous as i should i've been sorta entertaining you and such. but the thing is, i didnt expect you to stick to me. and of course, i cant stick to u all the time. i dunno. im sorry that we view relationships differently. im sorry you don't agree with how i feel. where i stand.

but please, stop ignoring me. i said i was sorry. i said i was wrong. i know what i did can't be undone. but please understand...i wasn't playing you for a fool. i was being my happy self.

please come back.

i miss u.

i lost someone important to me today. director punongbayan passed away today. he was my dad's mentor when my dad was still studying geology in UP. i got to meet him in the DOST caravan thingy...and he was telling me all sorts of stories about my dad. this indeed, is a sad day.

i sad. im productive. outwardly, im happy...chipper. but missing too many people. oh, and supposedly, ren and i would have been half a decade last sunday. shet.

Miyerkules, Abril 27

rotc and then some

training is hard.

being a commissioned officer is hard.

and hurting someone who cares so much for you, is harder still.

im sorry i blew it.

and now, you won't take me back.

Sabado, Abril 23

jello shots

for most part of it..
it was ok...
he was going way too fast
with all the lip action, but it was ok.


hindi ako lasing nun.
hindi din sha lasing nun.
we were two rational adult beings.
and yet, we acted like teenagers on a hormonal rampage.

there was a choice there.
and at around two am this morning, i made a choice.
and i closed my eyes.
and that was that.

he moved my arm towards his neck.
i was surprised.
i was amused.
and i followed his lead.

and everyone else
in the condo.
just sat there watching.

o god. why the hell did i do that?
i didn't even really know pao.

oh kevy, im so sorry.
im sorry.
i fucked it up again.

Huwebes, Abril 21


im mad.

i don't understand.

Jess tulong.

Lunes, Abril 18

moments of uncertainty

*deep breathing in progress.

i have no friggin idea where my life is headed. for the first time in years, i have no idea where my life is headed. yes, there are the solid college plans, the double major...the law school that comes after it...the women's studies masters that comes after law school...the national defense college that comes after that...i have those...but they seem so empty.

basta, ang labo ng lahat bigla. kahit hindi halata na i absolutely have no idea what to do with my life, i really don't know what to do with it.

im going to the states in a few weeks, if all goes well. and i may never come back. question is, what would i do there? i don't want to be there, but certain situations and problems require me to be there. this is going to be the hardest decision of my life.

and there is days. i love days. i love the people there...and if i go to the states, i will have to say goodbye to days...and i've only staffed once. that's so hard for me, because i want to staff more. sana the day will come when i can staff without the discomfort of being near a ticking bomb.

i have tried my best to be a good person and to forgive. i have tried to love with abandon, and i did. i tried to be bitter, but Jess knows that i can't really do that. there are so many things to be thankful for. and i am thankful beyond compare.


una sa lahat, salamat sa lakas na ipinagkaloob mo sa akin sa nakalipas na linggo. alam natin pareho kung gaano kasakit at kahirap para sa akin ang pumunta sa A28. pero sabi ko sa iyo, gagawin ko, kasi para sa iyo e. kaya nagpakalakas ako, nagpakatapang. para kayanin ang batch. umiiyak ako sa inyo noong unang gabi, kasi hirap na hirap ako noon. sabi ko sa iyo, Jess, konting lakas pa...kailangan ko talaga. hindi ko mapigilan sarili ko. iyak ako nang iyak at hindi ako makatulog. hindi mo naman ako iniwan, hindi naman ako nabigo. binigyan mo pa ako ng mga kasama. salamat Jess, salamat talaga.
ngayon Jess may kailangan pa sana ako. kailangan ko ng tatag. kailangan ko na kasi mag-move on ng todo. para sa susunod na batch hindi na ganun kahirap ang sitwasyon ko. hindi ko alam Jess kung tama ba 'tong ginagawa ko na iniiwasan ko siya. pero wala na akong ibang maisip na paraan. hindi ko alam kung tama ba itong pag-iwas na rin sa iba. pero wala din akong ibang naisip na gawin. so yun, kailangan ko ng tatag.
pinakahuli, sana Jess maging masaya na siya. kasi yoon talaga ang gusto ko para sa kanya, kahit noon pa. wala akong pakialam kung masaktan pa ako ulit, basta maging masaya lang siya. samahan nyo po siya sa bawat araw...lalo na kung nahihirapan siya. kasi Jess, hindi ko kaya samahan pa siya kung saan man siya pupunta. paki-ingatan na lang para sa akin. at sana balang araw, mapagtanto niya kung gaano siya kaimportante sa akin.


Martes, Abril 12


ok, so ganito. nalilito nanaman ako. nagulat ako sa sinabi niya. marahil, naive lang talaga ako. that or, as usual i am in utter denial. ewan.

i want to think that things will be alright between us. i mean, hindi naman masagwa yung nangyari sa amin. kumpara sa ibang nangyari sa aking mala-telenovelang love life, that is... it's just that i feel that im not ready for him and therefore, lolokohin ko lang sha kung sasabihin ko sa kanya na, oo mahal ko rin sha. kasi yun ang point. i can't be with someone i just like and don't love. sure, if i were still in high school and i didn't know any better, i would be with him now. but im not in high school anymore and things have drastically changed since then. at ayaw ko na ng mga relasyon na wala namang basehan. at kung meron, ang basehan nito ay puros kasinungalingan.

ayon nga sa Queer as Folk...

"love is just an excuse straight people give to get laid. and they end up hurting each other because the relationship was based on lies, to begin with."

iniisip ko tuloy. baka naman sinabi lang niya yun to get in my pants. putang inang yan. im sorry, i just can't help but be suspiscious. ewan.


oh well...ano pa nga ba magagawa ko? tapos na e. well, all i can do now is hope that he will be alright. doesn't matter now, if we will ever be friends again. what matters to me is he will get over whatever i unconsciously and consciously inflicted upon him. and yes, i miss him like hell.



Biyernes, Abril 8


things are going to be normal.


Lunes, Abril 4

cigarette butts

i know that what we have itsn't ideal at all. and i never thought it would become ideal. so why o why do you want it to be ideal???

i don't get it. i thought you liked things as they are. i liked them. why the hell do you want to change whatever we have? you knew where i was coming knew the whole story. you knew i wasn't ready for anything other than what i could offer you. i made that clear from the very beginning. and i don't want to talk about changing anything. i like things as they are. please stop trying to make me change my mind. i liked you enough to make out with you...don't ask me to commit. please. a commitment is the last thing i need now. i have too many things to do.

and stop implying that you can't trust me because im not chinese. race was never an issue between us before. why should it matter now? is it because now you think there could be something more?

im telling you. i just can't do it. i care enough to be honest with you. and i can't do what you want me to do. i can't think the way you want me to think. we never agreed on everything. stop trying to make me agree to every goddamned word you say. it won't work. im my own person. just stop this nonesense.

goddammit...and i thought things would be better with you.

putang ina.