Linggo, Pebrero 27

post game trauma

"anything less than mad, passionate, extraordinary love is a waste of your time. there are too many mediocre things in life to deal with and love shouldn't be one of them."

- i agree.

today i realized two things:

1. all wounds do heal in time BUT when someone fouls the hell out of you, these wounds open up again and they become more painful. this applies to ALL wounds.

-it's like when someone you've been trying so hard to forget and forgive suddenly pops out of nowhere and wants to be friends. FOUL!
-it's like when someone you love hurts you and then acts like nothing wrong happened after you said "it's alright"
-it's like when i tell myself that it's over but i know that it's not.

2. there is more to life than being happy.

-pain is also good. in all its forms.
-i can be happy and yet feel pretty used inside
-i can be happy only if i let go of the things i refuse to let go of

the game was BAD. i hated the way i got injured. it hurt. and i had to get off the field because of it.


but anyways, there's more. i was doing defense against miriam. i was right in front of the goal. the ball was coming straight at me. i tried to bounce it out with my chest (yes, my boobies) but it bounced off my hand. penalty kick sila. hand ball. punyeta. pumasok pa.

my team mate (who always played forward but was sent to the wing defense by coach for god knows what reason) kept on screaming instructions to me while i was doing mid field. punyeta. i got so distracted. shet. i officially hate mid field.

coach got this bright idea and put ME of all people in mid field forward. shet. shet. it was a disaster. i couldnt penetrate the defense. three people were ganging up on me. shet.

i ended up running up and down the WHOLE field.



and to add to my misery..a quote sent out by my love sick rotc classmate...

"It's funny how we set qualifications for the right person to love while at the back of our minds we know that the person we truly love will always be an exception"
---Ally McBeal

Sabado, Pebrero 26

post retreat

given my previous lj rant, i will not rant here.

what did i realize this weekend? i should simplify my life.

and simplify i will.

god knows i will get rid of all the excess baggage i've been carrying.

must rest now.

Miyerkules, Pebrero 23

accident prone

accident prone ako. it's true, it's been proven countless painful times...

*think happy thoughts*



ice cream! ice cream! pesto! pesto! huhuhuuuu......

i want mashmallow mocha again....huhuhuuu....


i want to go stargazing.


hello. i am incoherence.

hi. im stupidity.

and we are taking over tish's brain, NOW!

*lighting strikes*

*manical laughter*

Sabado, Pebrero 19


im gearing up for the prod party by....

drinking wine...

im trying...trying to live without u...and i can't really say i've been successful...but saturday is another challenge in itself...


Huwebes, Pebrero 17

still feeling terrible

this PMS is getting to me...

and no, there is no bright side of things when it comes to this...

there is no bright side to many things in my life. in the "pseudo-us" YOU and maybe, IN ME.


must go and study for bonus long test in sci 10.

Miyerkules, Pebrero 16

today was not stellar

today might just be the most disappointing day of my life. my classes were boring (except for history, of course...which is never ever boring). so boring i was half falling asleep when i was writing down my notes.

i skipped the much needed taek training & lunch to wait for timothy, who consequently arrived too late and stayed beside me too fleetingly.

and also, the ed in chief of mata is taking a leave of absence for the next few weeks. which means that i have to stay at the pub most of the time to answer calls and queries. which also means that he will not be there should the time come that mata is faced with a barage of problems.

the printing of the 3rd issue was not good. IT WAS TERRIBLE. im suddenly scared of becoming managing ed...actually, im scared of handling any other position other than sec gen. i think im scared because of my lack of being "politicized". im not politicized and im doomed to be my little bourgieous self till i die.

it sucks.

i think staying away is the best thing to do. i just feel that you don't want me in your life anyway. with that being said, i would like to ephasize the word FEEL.

it hurts.

when will this stop? prolly when i stop loving you. but i don't want to do that.

Linggo, Pebrero 13

the cookie never crumbles

i have to thank my parents for instilling in me the urgent need to go to church on's message shall get me through this week...and the next...and the one after that.

oo nga naman. it will be alright.

and i know deep in my heart that things will turn out alright.

Sabado, Pebrero 12


im not sure how i feel...

i want to talk to you but i don't want to talk to you.

i want to keep on loving you but i want to stop this madness...

all you do is hurt me. and i can't even get myself to accept that. i want to give up. NOW. i want to but i just can't get myself to do it. i hope this one week hiatus will do us both some good. because personally, i don't know what to do anymore. if i had my way, we'd talk when classes are over. because i want you to study. i want you to work.

and i want to get used to living without you...seeing that it is highly possible at the moment.


timothy, i honestly don't know why the hell i love you. it trancends all known logic. it is illogical, unreasonable and completely irrational to love you. it really is. and i don't why i keep on doing it. but nevertheless, even if i don't know why...i still do.

i just wish you'd resolve your issues. they're not making you easier to love and understand. your issues are becoming such a pain in the arse.


i honestly think so.

Martes, Pebrero 8


my back hurts from the coins left under my sheets...
my head hurts from being in an aircon classroom to being in the pocket garden in bel...
my lungs hurt from too much smoking...

and my heart hurts...from loving you too much...

punyeta ka.

punyeta kayong lahat..

punyeta kayong lahat na nanakit sa akin. wala naman akong ginagawa ah. hindi ko kayo sinaktan. minahal ko kayong lahat. buong-buo.walang kulang. pero eto. eto ang sukli sa lahat ng pagtiyatyaga ko sa inyo.

hijo de puta!

hindi ko maintindihan kung dapat ba akong matuwa o magalit sa mga nabasa ko sa blog mo. i honestly don't know how to react. pucha. i have no idea how to react, wala talaga. i wish you well, i really do.

my only other wish is...i wish you were honest with me.

and that you loved me instead.

Linggo, Pebrero 6

over and done


for the first time in weeks...i am happy and at peace with myself..


will write more tomorrow later, if humanly possible...


Miyerkules, Pebrero 2


*in der Liebe und defektem Herzen

~*~ayoko na mag-drama. eveything hurts too much to even begin writing about it.



~*~in der Liebe und defektem Herzen.

ayaw ko na mag-drama. evertyhing is too painful to even begin writing about it.

*reels in pain.


Martes, Pebrero 1


kristel gave me hell today. about everything. but let's not talk about that.

i got a letter from jason today.

and me feeling horrible about it is an understatement. i feel more than horrible. once again, ms. tisha nami martinez has wrecked multiple lives in one shot. tang ina. i have wrecked my parents' plans, his parents' plans, our plans, his plans and consequently his heart. i have messed up jason dino kalugdan's life for the nth time. it's bad enough that he lost most of his lifelong friends because of me. and i feel terrible that i didn't love him enough...that i didn't try to understand. im so sorry jason. i should have tried to love you again. but what can i do? you said it yourself. you don't want to make this work. you want me out your life. and even though i don't love you anymore, i wanted you to be in my life. and even if you say that i'll always be part of your life and heart...somehow it does feel like i have no right to be there. because i hurt you and i destroyed whatever notion you had of stability, love and happiness. and im so sorry jason. i really am. i wish i could do something to make this work. i wish i could go there right now, and fall into you arms. i wish i could tell you that i want us to be alright and i can try to fall in love with you once again.

it hurts.

and if YOU read this. i want to cry in your arms...but i know you don't want to see me...

so there.