kung mamatay ako

parang gusto kong magpakamatay.

in church this morning, i heard about a fifth grade student who tried to commit suicide by jumping off his school building. it was very disturbing. what is more disturbing (for me, at least) is that when i look back, i also attempted suicide when i was in fifth grade. although, i was a sissy and i just drank lysol and baygon.

but still.

it's disturbing nonetheless.

im at a point in my life where i can't see anything clearly anymore on a more personal level. and it's depressing. i feel that i've lost whatever cloak of goodness i had about me. im so tired. im so fucking tired.

but at least now i know that it is possible for someone to suck the life out of you. funny how it has happened to me several times before (but not quite like this) and i still thought that all the life i had in me would stay dancing.

well. apparently, whatever notions i've had of myself aren't true at all. i am not an overflowing well of happiness and optimism. i cannot love and just love. i cannot forgive. and neither can i forget anything. and im not as strong as i seem.

im weak. and today, i whither and surrender.

masakit lang talaga, masakit.