sinisinta kita

punyeta. in love talaga ako.

happy 4-1!

finally, am home

there are limits to my generosity. i've spent a week minding character c's family. so much so that we have been mistaken for a married couple many times. i know that character c and i move with a certain synchronicity. we move together, we think along the same lines. yes, it had the makings of two people meant for each other. something that i have missed because character a and i barely spoke the same language.

everything is just very comfortable with character c. am happy about that. what i don't like is being judged. i mean. c'mon now. we're the only ones willing to sleep in the goddamned hospital and you blame us for that? if you really didn't one us to be there, then someone else should have volunteered to do it instead. complaints without viable alternatives are a pain in the arse.

speaking of pains in the arse. his brother, (let's call him suzie) is another gigantic pain in the arse. he does need my help. i cannot imagine someone who claims to want to go into foreign service not understand BASIC concepts such as sustainable development, neo-liberalization, trade liberalization.

my gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad.

his stupidity appalls me. aside from his utter lack of respect for me and his brother (who is consequently sending him to school; whom he called useless crap), i am irritated by this brandishing of stupidity. i cannot.get.over.his.ignorance.

going the family way

i've been with character c and his family for almost a whole week. what this spells for our relationship is yet to be seen. suffice to say, it hasn't been smooth sailing. it's the first time we're stuck together for a really long time. it's not really that bad. just a little unsettling. i do have to get used to this somehow.

hot head

ewan. ang init ng ulo ko lately. grabe.

on escapism

today, i faced the day with two reading materials by my side. The Bible (a.k.a Cosmopolitan) and a fantasy book. which lead me to think about certain events unfolding in my life. for a really, really, really long while now; not much has been written on this blog that isn't (even vaguely) related to character c. with that thought in mind, i began to panic. am i loosing myself in this relationship?

panic. panic. panic.

which pretty much sums up my morning thoughts.

===

last night, we had birthday dinner for my mom and my aunt. beforehand, my mom gave a horrendous speech/sermon which REALLY DID HELP me get into the spirit of things. am not sure why my mother keeps on doing this to herself. it's as if the woman likes self destructing at crucial times. she notices everything. every minute detail. she cannot let things go, even for a time. that is why supposed happy ocassions (birthdays, weddings, christmas, new year's, etc) turn into major sob-fests. one cannot help but be a little annoyed. i wasn't annoyed last night though,

i was pissed.

it's her own birthday, god damn it. can't she just let things slide, even for one night? jesus h. christ. the woman is mad.

hanapin mo ang pinaka sweet sa picture na yan

bored? o stressed?

	Tish successfully averted WW3 with some covert operation that is top secret.
	... afterward, Tish became an ideal and disappeared.
	'How will you be remembered in history books?' at QuizGalaxy.com

quiz (totoo naman)

- May 6 -
You love literature and the arts and dreaming and traveling. You love attention and are constantly attracting people with your charm. People find you very stimulating intellectually.
Positive Traits: kind, generous, honest, trustworthy, responsible
Negative Traits: manipulative, a gossip, presumptive, codependency, controlling
'What does your Birthdate mean?' at QuizGalaxy.com

natuto na ako't nagtanda

ano ba dapat gawin kung ang isang kaibigang pinagkatiwalaan mo ng todo, inasahang mong tutulungan kang bumangon at binigay mo nang buong buo ang suporta sa kanya ay siya din naman palang magkakanulo sa iyo't magpapahiya sa harap ng maraming tao? paano mo haharapin yung katotohanang sa kabila ng lahat ng inyong pag-uusap, sa kabila ng kanyang pagsira sa iyong tiwala noon at pagsisikap mong ibalik ang tiwalang yaon; magagawa pa rin yang magsinungaling sa iyo. magagawa pa rin yang lokohin ka, paasahin ka, saktan ka?

hindi ko alam kung paano pa ako makikitungo sa kanya. sana nanging pranka na lang siya at sinabing kahit ano pa man ang sabihin ko sa kanya; ikakalat pa rin niya ang nalalaman niya sa akin, sa amin. hindi naman ako masasaktan ng ganito kung naging handa ako. ganun lang kasimple ang mga bagay. nagtiwala ako sa iyo. bilang isang kaibigan. sinabi mo noon sa akin kung anong hangganan ng mga ilalahad mo. tanga ako't naniwala pa sa iyo. tahasan mong nilagpasan ang mga hangganang yaon.

sabi mo kagabi, ituring kita hindi lang bilang kaibigan kundi bilang kasama din. ito ang sagot ko sa iyo: hinding hindi na kita ituturing na kaibigan. kahit kailan, hinding hindi na ako magtitiwala sa iyo. kaya kong ituring ka bilang kasama. pero hinding hindi na kita ituturing na kaibigan. huling pagkakataon na itong magpapaloko ako sa iyo't magtitiwala. huli na ito. magtatanda na ako sa susunod na lumapit ka pa sa aking nagkukunwaring magkaibigan pa rin tayo. sana, huwag ka nang umasang babalik pa ang dati nating samahan, ang dati kong tiwala sa iyo. kasi, sigurado akong hinding hindi na ako papayag maibalik pa yaon.

drunken

for all it's worth, character c and i are doing fine.

timing

last night, character c and i got out of the staff house as a legitimate couple. the events that unfolded beforehand were, in no small measure, of my own gauge of people around us. it was time to tell the world the real score between character c and i. it made a difference. a disconcerting difference for some, but a difference nonetheless. and to the dynamics of our relationship, telling the world that we are a couple makes a world of difference from hiding in the shadows and stolen moments. i love you, character c.

finally

alam na ng lahat na kami nga. :D

3

in less than two hours, character and i will be celebrating 3 months of having a functional relationship. that being said, no one still knows that we are really together. although, when we are with other people, they way we act around each other screams couplehood. even if we don't hold hands in public, or at least when there are other people around... it is still very much obvious that we are together.

tomorrow. zoo. movies and lots of sweet things. will gush about it soon. hahahahha.

...

there are no catty remarks or witty phrases today

a picture will do.

improvements

my relationship with character c has been steadily improving. he's done with his work. we've been spending much more time together, and we've been talking more as of late. last night. we were walking th flooded streets of manila. character c had to carry me a number of times. it was reassuring and sweet. i felt like i was being taken care of. we had dinner at his house before hand. his family was warm as usual.

today, he surprised me by bringing me pizza at home.

i'll stop gushing now. :D

motivation, lack thereof

i think that even though am nearing getting my degree (time wise), i am in fact farther from it than when i started. i lack motivation to finish this semester. it's getting depressing. i have been home for four straight days and i'm pretty sure i didn't accomplish anything by staying at home. in fact, the only things i did while stay at home are: 1. sleep 2. interwebs and 3. smoke. i need to get out of this house.

i should get a move on and finish my degree. god. 6 fucking subjects to go and i can't even swing it. where have all my energies gone lately?

ok. so maybe i do know why i am like this. character a has been giving me a hard time. this has been the most emotionally draining 3 weeks of my life. i want this to end. only three months till i finish and i still can't get myself to do this. i've maxed out all my cuts on all my classes and i feel like i'm back in junior year when i was doing badly in everything except philosophy. i don't know who i should turn to for this. my mom will murder me when she finds out all about my little lack of motivation. murder will be putting it lightly.

i asked a friend of mine, **** about it. and he said that i was just plain lazy. kthanks for the pick me up. really now. gads. maybe i am just being lazy. but whatdapak am i supposed to do now? my academic life has become a cesspool of resentment. i have no idea where to go from here.

another friend, ** said that she thinks i won't graduate at all. which in fact started this whole lack of motivation thing. i know she means well. but telling your already down in the dumps friend that you think she won't graduate is a bit rich. bloody rich. a little consideration please.

to make matters worse, character c has been pushing me to graduate. i don't have the heart to tell him that his little "study hard, etc" reminders are in fact pushing me against the wall and not helping at all. now, i know that he loves me and he does mean well. but please. please. for the love of god. don't treat me like i;m in grade school.

hay.

pursed lips

as much as i wouldn't want to admit it. i have to. my relationship with character c lacks spice.

me and my mom

my mom and i have a rather complex relationship. she is the first and last person i run to when i'm in trouble. we talk about just about anything but we hardly see each other. i love hearing her stories, she loves hearing mine but we both don't know what each person actually does in a day.

confusing?

maybe. but i enjoy being with her. we just don't talk too much about jobs and such, i guess. i do know all the sordid details of her heartbreaks as she does mine. what am trying to say is. am grateful.

~*~
oh, character c's mom is getting headway into my life. or is it the other way around? am i getting headway into hers? i really, really like her. except for the fact that i feel she won't approve of my, uhm, lifestyle?

~*~
i miss character c, dammit.

secret smiles

"see that saucer of iodized salt?
if you can count the grains,
you'd know how much i love you."
-character c

am hopelessly in love with character c now. and the secret smiles we have grow in number.