Lunes, Hunyo 30

i tried

Last weekend, character c and i celebrated our first month as a couple. and it ended in disaster. We were doing fine till the sunday morning. that's when things began to get awry. he wasn't so up to having sex the whole time. but i figured it was because he was so tired from work. at around 6am, i was tired of being enthusiastic. a little dark green thought had formed in my head. maybe, he wasn't up for the challenge because he had had sex with character b again. mistakenly, i blurted this out.

and he was so mad.

i was relieved that before he left, he assured me that he wasn't mad at me anymore.

i was mistaken.

last night, character c has called for space. cool off. am not sure what it all means. he told me that i had hurt him, that i did not trust him enough. i kept on explaining and apologizing. i kept on tellling him that i only had a fleeting fit of jealousy. that it was unfounded and that i did not really believe he was cheating on me. i felt that we didn't need this cool off set up. that i didn't understand and that i was and am afraid of loosing him. i asked him if he still loved me. he said: "mahirap magmahal ng puro duda."

since sunday moring, he hasn't told me again that he loves me. i am in pain. i know that i hurt him, but did he really have to this? countless times he has hurt me and yet i kept on loving him. i'm not sure about what i should do. i feel so broken. i feel like i have been put aside. i don't know where all this is leading. i don't know how things blew up like this.

i have tried my hardest to undestand. i have given character c all the leeway i could ever give. and yet, here he is. what strikes me is how easy it is for him to let this go. and it is what gives me doubt and pain. i have always believed that if you love someone, you will do everything in you power for that someone to stay in your life. and here he is, pushing me away at the first sight of trouble.

i don't regret loving character c. i don't regret choosing him, convincing myself that we should be together. i cannot just up and go from all this. i cannot just call it quits. i am in pain but i am trying to understand. im trying my damnest to understand. i just wish he could see. that this is such a small issue. that it is not worth all the pain that he has inflicted upon both of us. and i just wish he will realize that i cannot wait forever. that i have had enough of waiting for him.
he broke my heart again.

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