dying

kristel gave me hell today. about everything. but let's not talk about that.

i got a letter from jason today.

and me feeling horrible about it is an understatement. i feel more than horrible. once again, ms. tisha nami martinez has wrecked multiple lives in one shot. tang ina. i have wrecked my parents' plans, his parents' plans, our plans, his plans and consequently his heart. i have messed up jason dino kalugdan's life for the nth time. it's bad enough that he lost most of his lifelong friends because of me. and i feel terrible that i didn't love him enough...that i didn't try to understand. im so sorry jason. i should have tried to love you again. but what can i do? you said it yourself. you don't want to make this work. you want me out your life. and even though i don't love you anymore, i wanted you to be in my life. and even if you say that i'll always be part of your life and heart...somehow it does feel like i have no right to be there. because i hurt you and i destroyed whatever notion you had of stability, love and happiness. and im so sorry jason. i really am. i wish i could do something to make this work. i wish i could go there right now, and fall into you arms. i wish i could tell you that i want us to be alright and i can try to fall in love with you once again.

it hurts.

and if YOU read this. i want to cry in your arms...but i know you don't want to see me...

so there.