flicker

lately, i've been far too busy to write anything on my blogs as well as write for other people...it sounds pretentious, but that's the bible truth. if i were to describe my personal life these past few weeks, i would have to say: humid and stormy. and if i had to describe my so-called academic life, i would have to say: falling apart.
amidst everything, i would also have to admit that i've allowed myself to have secret thoughts. these thoughts were not personal longings. rather, these were thoughts about reversing certain situations. long ago, i said on this blog (and on other blogs now that we're talking about it) that i have always had an inclination towards infidelity. it's not that i actually promote it, it's just that i always, always tend to do it. my reasons for doing so rarely matter, and most times these do not quantify as valid reasons. it has ranged from being sick and tired of le ole boyfriend to being left alone for a weekend. and there were times when i had no other reasons except that i just had to.
for most part of my life with richard, i have been faithful. when i say "for the most part", i do mean it. but i do have to admit that there have been certain characters and situations in the course of our story that do spell out infidelity on my part. but then again, what he will never find out will never come back again to haunt us. might haunt me, but never us.
this caveat in place, i will have to admit the content of these past few weeks' secret thoughts. a certain character C has taken a rather prominent role in my life. it wasn't a matter of need as of proximity. when you're with a certain person everyday, to such an extent as eating all meals together and sleeping in the same house with other people; one cannot help but feel close to that person. to my credit, i have tried to remain platonic with him, for everyone's sake. but sometimes, things are really out of one's hands. yes, i can say that i did help things/feelings go their natural course but not as much as i could have. the thing is, for the past weeks; i've been entertaining thoughts about ditching richard for C. but unlike my previous infidelities, i actually had a valid reason for this one! haha. i figured that i'd had enough struggling with my family to accept richard. instead of the daily struggle, i will now acquire a life partner whom they will accept. and these secret thoughts were not helped by C showing equal unabashed interest.
nevertheless, i resisted these thoughts with gallant efforts equal only to those knights fighting off the moors during the crusades. so far, i have kept these thoughts at bay. and thankfully, they have not been translated into action.
but what if, in an unguarded moment...i blurt them out to C?
no good will come out of it, i am sure. experience had taught me that relationships born out of infidelity almost never succeed, and if they do...they will forever be haunted by mistrust.