walang tulog

shet.

im still working...i've been working since 8 pm....and what time is it? it's five am...friggin half past 5 am...i am seriously contemplating getting some zz's....but i have to transcribe things for pol sci pa. omigod...defense na later...

this is not good.

this is terrible...

i wanna rest for a while, but i can't.

maybe i should just liten to the tape...so i'd know how much more i have to transcribe. o god. please, help me get through this day. im not even ready for my sci 10 LT and german LT! i have to read sci 10 in a little while!

should stop blogging away now.

...

DON'T QUIT

When things go wrong as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
When you want to smile but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest if you must but don't you quit!

Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As many of us sometimes learn.
And many a failure turns about,
When he might have won, had he stuck it out.
Don't give up though the pace seems slow,
You may succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than
What it seems to a faint and faltering man.
Often the struggler has given up
When he might have won the victor's cup.
And he learned too late when the light came down
How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out,
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt.
And you can never tell how close you are
It may be nearer when it seems far.
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit--
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit!

~*~

i won't quit. i can't. and i wouldn't be able to stand myself if i did. so here i am. with a new relationship. my second "lesbo" relationship. i don't like objectifiying people i love. i think obejectifying is a sign of dominance. therefore, i also don't like it when people objectify me. it irritates the hell out of me. but then again, people will be people. and i don't think the whole population even knows what objectifying is.

*sighs*

it's funny that it's only today i finally admitted to her that i've been more attracted to her than anyone else i've met. it's odd, actually. im with her a minimum of 6 hours a day and i didn't even have the balls (o well yes, i don't have balls to begin with, but i meant figuratively) to tell her that. even if i knew that she liked me. she wasn't even drunk when she admitted that. it was the day timothy and i got into a marvelously big fight. and i didn't even take her seriously that night. i had too much on my half tipsy mind.

all's well that ends well.

shall practice bad german, shall i?

ich möchte nicht Sie mehr lieben.und ich kann ohne Sie leben.die Sie gerade gehen können, um sich zu bumsen.
Sie wissen, was? es gibt keinen Punkt, wenn man Sie dort liebt, ist ernsthaft kein Punkt! Guter Lord, sind Sie nicht ein gutes Geschlecht gleichmäßig!verlassen Sie so einfach ein mein Leben, seit im nicht bequemem irgendwie!ich hoffe, Sie glücklich sind, daß Sie mich oben verwirrten.

Sie sind eine schreckliche Person, Sie sollten das wissen.

hahaha...

very very bad Deutsch.

moving on...

today was alright. i finally got to decide if im staying in matanglawin or moving on. i guess i was forced to decide, anyways. what can i say? im not crying over an org position. what for? and i have two, maybe three more years left in the ateneo. that's a helluva long time, if you ask me. and have to do lots of things for atenista.net and rotc. things that i have been neglecting for mata. and besides, i still have enta and soccer. i still have a lot to do. and there is simply no point in wallowing over this.and i believe there is no point in wallowing over anything. which is why today, i got myself a new girl friend. seriously, mabilis talaga ang turn over pag ako ang kausap mo. hahahaha. i hope this turns out great. meaning, i hope we don't hate each other afterwards. because as we all know, girl friends are far more precious and better at everything than any guy.

*sigh*

i miss jason

for the first time in months, i miss jason.

i really really miss him. i should get off my ass and just go there myself, or something. i know that seeing me loving someone else is painful for him. and i wish i could do something to ease his pain. i wish i could just have a change of heart and go back to him.

i wish. i wish.

but beyond the wishful thinking, i have to do a lot of things. fix a lot of things. be there for a lot of people. and basically spread myself thin for the next few weeks.

my heart is breaking.

and for the first time in weeks....i want to stop loving you. not that you did anything in specific to make me want to. but because. i am hurt. and im stressed. and loving someone right now isn't really the best thing to do. how can i make room for someone else if im too full of problems?

and i don't want to (ill say this again) drag you into my mess. maybe, someday when all of these things have blown over i'll tell you again that i love you.

but not now.

stress

im sorry for everything.

im so stressed.

pero that isn't an excuse.

these are my mistakes and i should deal with them.

"my mistakes, no excuses" (one of the best things i got from ROTC)

to give and not count the costs
to fight and not heed the wounds.

tired

i am tired of this sem.

i have still have a week to go.

i am so fucking tired.
im trying so hard to see the bright side of things.

my eyes hurt

i have been awake for too long and it looks like i will be awake till tomorrow. my eyes hurt already. and frankly..i can't just stop working.

i think i should go and work (again) now.

/incoherence takes over

post game trauma

"anything less than mad, passionate, extraordinary love is a waste of your time. there are too many mediocre things in life to deal with and love shouldn't be one of them."
---A DREAM FOR AN INSOMNIAC
- i agree.

today i realized two things:

1. all wounds do heal in time BUT when someone fouls the hell out of you, these wounds open up again and they become more painful. this applies to ALL wounds.

-it's like when someone you've been trying so hard to forget and forgive suddenly pops out of nowhere and wants to be friends. FOUL!
-it's like when someone you love hurts you and then acts like nothing wrong happened after you said "it's alright"
-it's like when i tell myself that it's over but i know that it's not.

2. there is more to life than being happy.

-pain is also good. in all its forms.
-i can be happy and yet feel pretty used inside
-i can be happy only if i let go of the things i refuse to let go of

~*~
the game was BAD. i hated the way i got injured. it hurt. and i had to get off the field because of it.

fuuuucccckkk....

but anyways, there's more. i was doing defense against miriam. i was right in front of the goal. the ball was coming straight at me. i tried to bounce it out with my chest (yes, my boobies) but it bounced off my hand. penalty kick sila. hand ball. punyeta. pumasok pa.

my team mate (who always played forward but was sent to the wing defense by coach for god knows what reason) kept on screaming instructions to me while i was doing mid field. punyeta. i got so distracted. shet. i officially hate mid field.

coach got this bright idea and put ME of all people in mid field forward. shet. shet. it was a disaster. i couldnt penetrate the defense. three people were ganging up on me. shet.

i ended up running up and down the WHOLE field.

punyeta.

~*~

and to add to my misery..a quote sent out by my love sick rotc classmate...

"It's funny how we set qualifications for the right person to love while at the back of our minds we know that the person we truly love will always be an exception"
---Ally McBeal

post retreat

given my previous lj rant, i will not rant here.

what did i realize this weekend? i should simplify my life.

and simplify i will.

god knows i will get rid of all the excess baggage i've been carrying.

must rest now.

accident prone

accident prone ako. it's true, it's been proven countless painful times...

*think happy thoughts*

hmmm....

food?

ice cream! ice cream! pesto! pesto! huhuhuuuu......

i want mashmallow mocha again....huhuhuuu....

stars?

i want to go stargazing.

..::...::...:::...:::...:::...:::....:::....:::..:::..:::..:::...:::...::::....:::....::::....::::...::::.::::......::::......::::.....:::...:::....:::

hello. i am incoherence.

hi. im stupidity.

and we are taking over tish's brain, NOW!

*lighting strikes*

*manical laughter*

today

im gearing up for the prod party by....

drinking wine...

im trying...trying to live without u...and i can't really say i've been successful...but saturday is another challenge in itself...

haha.

still feeling terrible

this PMS is getting to me...

and no, there is no bright side of things when it comes to this...

there is no bright side to many things in my life. in the "pseudo-us"...in YOU and maybe, IN ME.

|sniff|

must go and study for bonus long test in sci 10.

today was not stellar

today might just be the most disappointing day of my life. my classes were boring (except for history, of course...which is never ever boring). so boring i was half falling asleep when i was writing down my notes.

i skipped the much needed taek training & lunch to wait for timothy, who consequently arrived too late and stayed beside me too fleetingly.

and also, the ed in chief of mata is taking a leave of absence for the next few weeks. which means that i have to stay at the pub most of the time to answer calls and queries. which also means that he will not be there should the time come that mata is faced with a barage of problems.

the printing of the 3rd issue was not good. IT WAS TERRIBLE. im suddenly scared of becoming managing ed...actually, im scared of handling any other position other than sec gen. i think im scared because of my lack of being "politicized". im not politicized and im doomed to be my little bourgieous self till i die.

it sucks.

i think staying away is the best thing to do. i just feel that you don't want me in your life anyway. with that being said, i would like to ephasize the word FEEL.

it hurts.

when will this stop? prolly when i stop loving you. but i don't want to do that.

the cookie never crumbles

i have to thank my parents for instilling in me the urgent need to go to church on Sundays...somehow...today's message shall get me through this week...and the next...and the one after that.

oo nga naman. it will be alright.

and i know deep in my heart that things will turn out alright.

today

im not sure how i feel...

i want to talk to you but i don't want to talk to you.

i want to keep on loving you but i want to stop this madness...

all you do is hurt me. and i can't even get myself to accept that. i want to give up. NOW. i want to but i just can't get myself to do it. i hope this one week hiatus will do us both some good. because personally, i don't know what to do anymore. if i had my way, we'd talk when classes are over. because i want you to study. i want you to work.

and i want to get used to living without you...seeing that it is highly possible at the moment.

punyeta.

timothy, i honestly don't know why the hell i love you. it trancends all known logic. it is illogical, unreasonable and completely irrational to love you. it really is. and i don't why i keep on doing it. but nevertheless, even if i don't know why...i still do.

i just wish you'd resolve your issues. they're not making you easier to love and understand. your issues are becoming such a pain in the arse.

YOU REALLY ARE A PAIN.

i honestly think so.

horrid

my back hurts from the coins left under my sheets...
my head hurts from being in an aircon classroom to being in the pocket garden in bel...
my lungs hurt from too much smoking...

and my heart hurts...from loving you too much...

punyeta ka.

punyeta kayong lahat..

punyeta kayong lahat na nanakit sa akin. wala naman akong ginagawa ah. hindi ko kayo sinaktan. minahal ko kayong lahat. buong-buo.walang kulang. pero eto. eto ang sukli sa lahat ng pagtiyatyaga ko sa inyo.

hijo de puta!

hindi ko maintindihan kung dapat ba akong matuwa o magalit sa mga nabasa ko sa blog mo. i honestly don't know how to react. pucha. i have no idea how to react, wala talaga. i wish you well, i really do.

my only other wish is...i wish you were honest with me.

and that you loved me instead.

over and done

weee!!!

for the first time in weeks...i am happy and at peace with myself..

BUT IM REALLY TIRED...

will write more tomorrow later, if humanly possible...

:D

today

*in der Liebe und defektem Herzen

~*~ayoko na mag-drama. eveything hurts too much to even begin writing about it.

putcha

today

~*~in der Liebe und defektem Herzen.

ayaw ko na mag-drama. evertyhing is too painful to even begin writing about it.

*reels in pain.

putcha.

dying

kristel gave me hell today. about everything. but let's not talk about that.

i got a letter from jason today.

and me feeling horrible about it is an understatement. i feel more than horrible. once again, ms. tisha nami martinez has wrecked multiple lives in one shot. tang ina. i have wrecked my parents' plans, his parents' plans, our plans, his plans and consequently his heart. i have messed up jason dino kalugdan's life for the nth time. it's bad enough that he lost most of his lifelong friends because of me. and i feel terrible that i didn't love him enough...that i didn't try to understand. im so sorry jason. i should have tried to love you again. but what can i do? you said it yourself. you don't want to make this work. you want me out your life. and even though i don't love you anymore, i wanted you to be in my life. and even if you say that i'll always be part of your life and heart...somehow it does feel like i have no right to be there. because i hurt you and i destroyed whatever notion you had of stability, love and happiness. and im so sorry jason. i really am. i wish i could do something to make this work. i wish i could go there right now, and fall into you arms. i wish i could tell you that i want us to be alright and i can try to fall in love with you once again.

it hurts.

and if YOU read this. i want to cry in your arms...but i know you don't want to see me...

so there.