stupidity 101

i can read DH Lawrence, and make sense out of it. i can read Neruda and completely immerse myself in his words. heck, i can even read Focault AND STILL THINK IT MAKES SENSE...point is, there's a lot of post modern artsy fartsy crap in this world...and i can make sense out of most of them. heck, in high school...i was the only one who understood that goddamned quasi lambda theory about the atom....

but my life?

I SIMPLY CANNOT COMPREHEND.

stupid instance #1
agreeing to see JR again. i didn't even have any second thoughts about it. i just went ahead, thinking that it would just be dinner between two old friends.

NOT.

it turned out to be a softer and toned down version of our past.

putanginangpakshetsha!

stupid instance #2
it's not just an instance, it's more like 2 WHOLE FRIGGIN' MONTHS...

i insist on loving timothy even if i know that it will...

1. blow up in my face
2. eventually hurt me
3. and that he will eventually meet someone he likes...o wait! he's already done that!

and of course, being the queen of the martyrs, i cry silently as i watch him go head over heels over my "sister". greaaaatt... but do i do anything else? do i really do anything else? NO! i just go ahead and keep my peace. i have no hold over him, anyway. he will do as he pleases.

pero putang ina. masakit.

stupid instance #3

me going on like none of these things happened. i dunno. what is it about me? i never seem to hold on to any kind of grudge. i want to, but i can't. i just can't. and it sucks. i want to be angry. at timothy, at JR and every asshole who has hurt me.

but do i do it?

NOOOOO...

i just continue living. and the moment any one of them needs any kind of help, im back at their side. and just like that, all is forgiven.


stupid. stupid. stupid.