Lunes, Mayo 19

Completion without satisfaction

i have managed to start and finish my undergraduate thesis in 12 hours. how i actually managed the whole thing remains a mystery to me. i can only hope that whatever i wrote made sense. but then again, judging from the work of other people in my program; i don't think i did too badly. i thought i was the worst of the lot but at around 1 am this morning, i was talking to **** who was also doing her thesis. she told me she was stuck at 500 words. (my word count at that time was roughly 2 500 words or so. i needed around 1 500 more to be able to meet the minimum.)

i then realized that i was not the only one doing the flail dance. which was good to know.

at 3 am this morning, i finished my bloody thesis. fucking integration, migration and labor in the EU. for the ironic effect, it had a bible-theme to it coupled with a marxist framework. just so i could amuse myself. i hope people get the joke. if not, well. it's alright, i guess.

in other news, character c and i seem to be making some headway. this weekend was enlightening, actually. i think friday was the first time we had dinner and just dinner. he chose this obscure hole in the wall chinese restaurant near avenida. pinsec house, i think. of course, nothing like northpark (which happens to be one of my favorites). but delicious all the same. something he said at that point actually got to me.

him: ayaw mo sa ganito? di ka sanay?
me: *embarrassed smile*
him: di nga?
me: *more embarrassed smiling* ok lang, ok lang talaga
him: naku, dapat masanay ka na. mahilig ako sa mga ganito
me: *further reddening*

it's all these references to the future that are messing with my head. i think that he refers to our collective future more than i do. yes, that's a definite. what i really don't understand about this whole "relationship" that we have is the fact that even if i'm the one making nice pronouncements about how i feel, he's actually the one planning out the whole future ahead. which is strange. he cannot say he loves me BUT he can tell me about a future "us". it is all very strange to me. i've never been in a set up like this. and i don't think i want to be in it again.

though i don't want to force an answer out of him, soon would be nice. am actually trying to concentrate on assuring him that i'm here. that i'm not leaving anytime soon. i will leave eventually, of course. no use keeping his hopes up.

evetually, the conversation lead to a deadline. something that i both regret and want. i have this creeping sensation that i'm competing against an unknown, this character b whom i have never met nor seen pictures of. and i don't like having to compete with someone i can't gauge. i work well competing against something finite, can actually do well in that. but when it comes to character b, all i have are snippets of information. stuff such as:

1. she's some registered nurse practicing somewhere
2. she's going to canada to work, or similar
3. i vaguely remember a portion of her nouveau name (ang mean ko talaga)
4. she has a healthy sexual appetite and is more adventurous than i am since she goes for three ways and i cannot for the life of me...
5. she lives in pasig
6. her mom is from ilocos, or similar northern province

ok, that's about all i know about her. of course, i could have tried sneakily looking over character c's phonebook. but what good would that do? she may not even be there. hell, i'm not there. anyways, i dread the deadline. i dread it. i am scared that after all my efforts; character c will choose character b and i will be left with my misery. and if there's one thing i cannot stand at this point, it is loosing to someone like character b. someone that hasn't been as good as i have been for character c.

of course, i cannot possibly understand the dilemma character c is in. simply because of the lack of facts to paint such a dilemma. in any case, in six months i would have likely forgotten the whole point of this blog entry. which is not to say, i won't recall it if i urge my memory to.

today though, i have this urge to run away from everything. i have this urge not to answer anyone's calls or messages. maybe this is despair at its finest. maybe this is my way of coming to terms with what i cannot have and giving up. am not really sure.

but really. in all blunt honesty. i am giving up. i just can't take this shite. goddammit. i just can't. sure, i am neurotic as hell. and i have my moods. but sometimes, even the foulest of moods cannot equal that silent pain.

my god. it's back. that silent cold pain through the heart. i think i've talked about it before. and now, it's back. though not as intense as before, it's back.

i give up. i will not take this sitting down. i run.

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