waking up

"when the ice gives in beneath you
it changes how you dream"
-John Gorka
"Temporary Road"

It's true. when all is said done, all i have left to do is adapt. i have finally deleted all his messages in my inbox as well as his home and mobile number in my phone book. i am quite happy that we have not been together that long for me to be able to memorize either numbers. i feel better now. better than last night, at least. am going out with my friends tonight and i will make an effort not to mention everything that has happened lately. i don't want to start talking about it because if i do, i'll monopolize the whole conversation. therefore, i will not talk about characters a, c and d tonight. i want to catch up with my friends. i want to hear about what they have been up to.

i will be alright. i can do this. i've moved on before and i can move on now.

but jesus h. christ, why has it to be so goddamned hard?

i miss you, character c. but sadly, the shit you give me isn't what i need now or at any point in my life. i refuse to be your doormat. i refuse to validate you when the whole world walks out on you. i refuse to hold and comfort you when SHE can't do it because she has no time for you. i refuse to just give you my heart just because for the time being, you can't have hers. and then, you forget all about me when you're with her. i have better things to do with my life. and i will forget you. by god, i will forget you.

i have no regrets that i told you last night that i would wish you dead if you ever hurt me again.