hard choices

character a and i are over. i told him myself. i feel relieved. what bothers me is that character c is still weighing his options. he still loves her, goddammit.

why? why?

i might be seeing character c by friday and i want to be ready then.

even more disturbing. last monday, character c and i had a false alarm. early that morning, i was throwing up all over the staff house. he went white with concern but he couldn't really do much since everyone else was there. but i did see the look on his face. a baby is not what we need right now. we can't have a baby if he can't even goddamned decide if he wants to be with me or not. if he did get me pregnant at this point in time, i would rather not tell him. i wouldn't tell him and i'd run away. but of course, during the whole day that frantic messages were being exchanged (and we were beside each other...just not talking) while we were at the transport strike; i assured him that i would never hide the kid. that i'd let the kid have his last name. that i'd make sure he saw the kid and the kid knew that he was the dad. of course, i lied to him.

really, what was i supposed to do? tell him straight to his face that i think that if he can't even commit to the mother, i'm damn well sure he cannot commit to a kid. i couldn't and wouldn't hurt him that way. i couldn't really say: "i'm sorry, but i just don't see myself building a family with you because you're so goddamned clueless about your own bloody life." or "you can't get your act together. you can't even pick a girl friend. what makes you think you'd be a good dad?"

anyways, it was a false alarm. but god damn it and bloody hell. he told his mom. he fucking told his mom that i might be pregnant. given that he didn't say who the "girl" was, i don't think his mom has lots of options. me and her. practically the only two women in his life. i asked him why he didn't just tell his mother that i was the girl. and now, he will tell her. and not sure if i feel better now.

i just want us to be normal. i don't want to be kept hanging. how much more do i have to wait before he says that he cannot be without me. the question is: will he say that at all? or will he say that he has decided to be with her?

of course i really can't do much here. i've said all there is to say. and if he can't get it into his bloody head that with all due respect, i've been doing a better job at being a girlfriend than her...well, he can just go fuck himself. in the literal and symbolic sense.

if he still can't make a bloody decision by the time he leaves for singapore, i'm calling it quits. by god, i'm calling it quits.

and jesus h. christ. by quits, i really do mean quits.