jello shots

for most part of it..
it was ok...
he was going way too fast
with all the lip action, but it was ok.

shet.

hindi ako lasing nun.
hindi din sha lasing nun.
we were two rational adult beings.
and yet, we acted like teenagers on a hormonal rampage.

there was a choice there.
and at around two am this morning, i made a choice.
and i closed my eyes.
and that was that.

he moved my arm towards his neck.
i was surprised.
i was amused.
and i followed his lead.

and everyone else
in the condo.
just sat there watching.

o god. why the hell did i do that?
i didn't even really know pao.

oh kevy, im so sorry.
im sorry.
i fucked it up again.

....

im mad.

i don't understand.

Jess tulong.

moments of uncertainty

*deep breathing in progress.

i have no friggin idea where my life is headed. for the first time in years, i have no idea where my life is headed. yes, there are the solid college plans, the double major...the law school that comes after it...the women's studies masters that comes after law school...the national defense college that comes after that...i have those...but they seem so empty.

basta, ang labo ng lahat bigla. kahit hindi halata na i absolutely have no idea what to do with my life, i really don't know what to do with it.

im going to the states in a few weeks, if all goes well. and i may never come back. question is, what would i do there? i don't want to be there, but certain situations and problems require me to be there. this is going to be the hardest decision of my life.

and there is days. i love days. i love the people there...and if i go to the states, i will have to say goodbye to days...and i've only staffed once. that's so hard for me, because i want to staff more. sana the day will come when i can staff without the discomfort of being near a ticking bomb.

i have tried my best to be a good person and to forgive. i have tried to love with abandon, and i did. i tried to be bitter, but Jess knows that i can't really do that. there are so many things to be thankful for. and i am thankful beyond compare.

BIL.

Jess,
una sa lahat, salamat sa lakas na ipinagkaloob mo sa akin sa nakalipas na linggo. alam natin pareho kung gaano kasakit at kahirap para sa akin ang pumunta sa A28. pero sabi ko sa iyo, gagawin ko, kasi para sa iyo e. kaya nagpakalakas ako, nagpakatapang. para kayanin ang batch. umiiyak ako sa inyo noong unang gabi, kasi hirap na hirap ako noon. sabi ko sa iyo, Jess, konting lakas pa...kailangan ko talaga. hindi ko mapigilan sarili ko. iyak ako nang iyak at hindi ako makatulog. hindi mo naman ako iniwan, hindi naman ako nabigo. binigyan mo pa ako ng mga kasama. salamat Jess, salamat talaga.
ngayon Jess may kailangan pa sana ako. kailangan ko ng tatag. kailangan ko na kasi mag-move on ng todo. para sa susunod na batch hindi na ganun kahirap ang sitwasyon ko. hindi ko alam Jess kung tama ba 'tong ginagawa ko na iniiwasan ko siya. pero wala na akong ibang maisip na paraan. hindi ko alam kung tama ba itong pag-iwas na rin sa iba. pero wala din akong ibang naisip na gawin. so yun, kailangan ko ng tatag.
pinakahuli, sana Jess maging masaya na siya. kasi yoon talaga ang gusto ko para sa kanya, kahit noon pa. wala akong pakialam kung masaktan pa ako ulit, basta maging masaya lang siya. samahan nyo po siya sa bawat araw...lalo na kung nahihirapan siya. kasi Jess, hindi ko kaya samahan pa siya kung saan man siya pupunta. paki-ingatan na lang para sa akin. at sana balang araw, mapagtanto niya kung gaano siya kaimportante sa akin.

amen.

hhmmm....

ok, so ganito. nalilito nanaman ako. nagulat ako sa sinabi niya. marahil, naive lang talaga ako. that or, as usual i am in utter denial. ewan.

i want to think that things will be alright between us. i mean, hindi naman masagwa yung nangyari sa amin. kumpara sa ibang nangyari sa aking mala-telenovelang love life, that is... it's just that i feel that im not ready for him and therefore, lolokohin ko lang sha kung sasabihin ko sa kanya na, oo mahal ko rin sha. kasi yun ang point. i can't be with someone i just like and don't love. sure, if i were still in high school and i didn't know any better, i would be with him now. but im not in high school anymore and things have drastically changed since then. at ayaw ko na ng mga relasyon na wala namang basehan. at kung meron, ang basehan nito ay puros kasinungalingan.

ayon nga sa Queer as Folk...

"love is just an excuse straight people give to get laid. and they end up hurting each other because the relationship was based on lies, to begin with."

iniisip ko tuloy. baka naman sinabi lang niya yun to get in my pants. putang inang yan. im sorry, i just can't help but be suspiscious. ewan.

*breathe...

oh well...ano pa nga ba magagawa ko? tapos na e. well, all i can do now is hope that he will be alright. doesn't matter now, if we will ever be friends again. what matters to me is he will get over whatever i unconsciously and consciously inflicted upon him. and yes, i miss him like hell.

punyetaaaaa....

/sobs

normal

things are going to be normal.

*breathe

cigarette butts

i know that what we have itsn't ideal at all. and i never thought it would become ideal. so why o why do you want it to be ideal???

i don't get it. i thought you liked things as they are. i liked them. why the hell do you want to change whatever we have? you knew where i was coming from...you knew the whole story. you knew i wasn't ready for anything other than what i could offer you. i made that clear from the very beginning. and i don't want to talk about changing anything. i like things as they are. please stop trying to make me change my mind. i liked you enough to make out with you...don't ask me to commit. please. a commitment is the last thing i need now. i have too many things to do.

and stop implying that you can't trust me because im not chinese. race was never an issue between us before. why should it matter now? is it because now you think there could be something more?

im telling you. i just can't do it. i care enough to be honest with you. and i can't do what you want me to do. i can't think the way you want me to think. we never agreed on everything. stop trying to make me agree to every goddamned word you say. it won't work. im my own person. just stop this nonesense.

goddammit...and i thought things would be better with you.

putang ina.

....

i can't help but see him differently now.

^_^ sana hindi mo malaman na linagay ko pa dito ito.

~*~

Unity is the beginning, success is the ending.
Though our ordeals are hard,
let patience be our guide.
For our hopes are high,
and the time is nigh.

Let it be known to all that Cadet Probationary 2nd Lieutenants Pineda and Rodriguez have undergone the COCC training this summer, and have successfully finished it. As such, they now hold the rank Cadet 2nd Lieutenant (Kadete Pulimagat), and enjoy all the privilages befitting their Commissioned Officer status.

I planned to call an officers' meeting before 01 April, but the personnel officer informed me that some officers are on vacation; thus, I will utilize this mailing group instead.As I have said in the past, I will be leaving projects to be done this summer vacation - Website, Officer's Manual, Corps Magazine, Inter-ROTC Rifle Drill Competition, and Inter-CAT Rifle Drill Competion. These projects are very dear to me, for it will show people that the Ateneo ROTC is alive and kicking, adaptive to change, and is not limited to "field duties" only. I instructed my staff, under the supervision of the Office of the Chief of Staff, to use all possible means to accomplish these missions.

I repeat, all possible means.C/2Lt Rodriguez will be heading the website construction and maintenance.The Office of the Chief of Staff will author the Officer's Manual.C/Maj Miranda will handle the production of the Corps Magazine.The Office of the Chief of Staff will head the planning of the Inter-ROTC and Inter-CAT/CAdT/CMT Rifle Drill Competitions.C/2Lt Pineda is in charge of the Marketing aspect of these projects.

I am pleased that some officers have showed their enthusiasm, initiative, dependability, loyalty, unity, and dedication by volunteering their time and effort to help in these projects.

Keep in mind that we are officers of the Ateneo ROTC. We have trained, endured trials and tribulations, and swore to uphold the honor and pride of OUR corps. Therefore, for all other officers who have not yet rendered their services, review your codes and the oaths you have taken.Our institution represents the noble traditions of Honor, Excellence and Loyalty.

Let us show these to others by uniting and showing our united strengths, especially to those who continuously attack and detract our corps. Let us show them what we can do.

"Probably the greatest thing in the world is doing something other people say you cannot do."

Esprit de Corps (Spirit of the Group)
Esprit de Corps is that inborn sentiment of courage,
of loyalty, and of duty
because of our pride in our country, our units,
and in ourselves.

Ad astra per aspera

~*~

waaahhh...mahal na kita ulet...bwahahahaha!!

joke lang.

surprises

haha.

kilala ko na kung sino ka. naaliw naman ako. pati ba dito, nasusundan mo pa buhay ko? waaah. hindi tamang nagstastalk ang isang mataas na opisyal! wahaha. salamat sa comment. hindi ko alam kung paano mo nalaman ang url ng blog ko pero salamat pa rin.

inoobserbahan mo ako?!

na-conscious naman ako bigla.

salamat pinasaya mo araw ko. yaan mo, pag kasama ko siya sa 'teneo...hindi ako magpapakita sa iyo! wahahaa...diba unbecoming of an officer pag nanapak ng civilian? baka ma-provost marshal ka nyan! pero teka, mas mataas naman rank mo sa kanya! pero pwede pa rin diba?

sorry sir, natutuwa lang ako masyado sa comment ninyo. at online ka pa ngayon! salamat sa lahat.

LONG LIVE THE WING!

plebe knowledge

i got the plebe knowledge thingies today. im in for a lot of work.

~*~

it's funny when you know someone's just pretending to be offline and you're pretending to be offline yourself. it's funny because it's sad. it's sad because we've built so many walls between us. and we've both burned our bridges. talking to you this afternoon made me realize how much farther you've backed off. it was father than i thought.

and that hurts.

although, im through with the ranting for now; im still musing about the whole thing. i see no point in ranting about things that cannot be changed. the choices you made were yours and it's just odd that i too have to live with your decisions. im not the type who runs away from whatever is at hand. i never really believed in running away, since i'd still be the same person wherever i go.

and i miss you, i really do.

and i've been counting my days from that moment in gonzaga when you walked away. and no matter what you say, you did walk out on me. not that i take it against you...it's just how it felt then and how it feels now.

i have no regrets.

i never regretted loving you. and i never regretted lashing out on you that night when i got out of your car. i don't regret getting it on with you, i don't regret getting hurt and crying over you. and i don't regret looking utterly stupid because i loved you.

these were my choices, i made them. and when you choose something it means you had some spine in you to think for yourself. and so therefore, i cannot regret my choices.

i hope all goes well in your life. rest assured, im not miserable...i never did deserve to be miserable.

....

to look life in the face...
to look it in the face and to know it.
to know it and to love it.
and lastly, to love it and to put it away.
-the Hours

/reels in pain as she looks life in the face.

stupidity 101

i can read DH Lawrence, and make sense out of it. i can read Neruda and completely immerse myself in his words. heck, i can even read Focault AND STILL THINK IT MAKES SENSE...point is, there's a lot of post modern artsy fartsy crap in this world...and i can make sense out of most of them. heck, in high school...i was the only one who understood that goddamned quasi lambda theory about the atom....

but my life?

I SIMPLY CANNOT COMPREHEND.

stupid instance #1
agreeing to see JR again. i didn't even have any second thoughts about it. i just went ahead, thinking that it would just be dinner between two old friends.

NOT.

it turned out to be a softer and toned down version of our past.

putanginangpakshetsha!

stupid instance #2
it's not just an instance, it's more like 2 WHOLE FRIGGIN' MONTHS...

i insist on loving timothy even if i know that it will...

1. blow up in my face
2. eventually hurt me
3. and that he will eventually meet someone he likes...o wait! he's already done that!

and of course, being the queen of the martyrs, i cry silently as i watch him go head over heels over my "sister". greaaaatt... but do i do anything else? do i really do anything else? NO! i just go ahead and keep my peace. i have no hold over him, anyway. he will do as he pleases.

pero putang ina. masakit.

stupid instance #3

me going on like none of these things happened. i dunno. what is it about me? i never seem to hold on to any kind of grudge. i want to, but i can't. i just can't. and it sucks. i want to be angry. at timothy, at JR and every asshole who has hurt me.

but do i do it?

NOOOOO...

i just continue living. and the moment any one of them needs any kind of help, im back at their side. and just like that, all is forgiven.


stupid. stupid. stupid.

galit ako

for once.

galit na talaga ako. as in not bitter-y type na galit.

galit ako sa iyo, Julian.

bakit ba pinakikialaman mo pa participant ko gayong wala ka naman ginagawa para sa sarili mong participant? bakit kailangan saluhin ko kapalpakan mo? ano bang problema mo? kasalanan ko ba na iresponsable kang tao at simpleng petsa lang hindi mo matandaan? simpleng APRIL15-17 lang, hindi mo pa maintindihan?hindi mo pa maitatak sa kukote mo?

aba, putang ina.

hindi ko na kasalanan iyon. so, why do you go about fucking up OTHER people's lives? alam mo ba na hindi na ako pupuntang Cebu para sa batch na ito? alam mo diba? ikaw nag-convince sa akin na wag na pumunta sa Cebu. kahit alam ko na na malilintikan ako sa magulang ko, sa pamilya ko...sa mga kaibigan kong protestante, pumayag ako. kasi putang ina, naniwala ako sa iyo.

alam mo ba na mag-cocommute ako to and fro Laguna sa April 1 para makarating sa meeting ng Days dahil may evsem sa Matanglawin sa Laguna ng march 31-April 4?

alam mo ba na halos 200 people na ang na-sendan ko ng message sa friendster ni ienne para sa palancas nya? alam mo ba na andami ko nang tinawagan na HS batchmates nya? alam mo ba na ilang beses ko na kinausap nanay nya para maayos ito? alam mo ba na kinulit ko mga kabarkada natin para magawan si ienne ng magandang scrapbook para sa palancas nya? alam mo ba na pumupunta ako sa meetings kahit na may duty ako sa ROTC at under threat of punishment ako?

para saan?

kasi naniniwala ako na worth it si ienne. kasi si ienne yun. and what do you do? you just go ahead and fuck things up.

putang ina ka!

terriblly worried

i've been trying to call tita shirley all morning today. no one was picking up the phone. i was getting worried. i decided to check if jason sent me anything. bingo. tita shirley is having a brain operation on the 23rd. although the tumor is benign, im still worried. very. very worried. and of course, jason is worried as hell.

i need to go there, fast.

question is: how?

i need to be there.

tula sa ngayon

Gnosis
Ni Edgar Calabia Samar

Walang laman ang kuweba
nang dumating sila. Kaba

ang nanuot sa kanilang laman:
ano ang nangyari sa katawan?

Ito na kaya ang misteryo
ng naiwang mga aninong

iginapos ng dantaon,
hanggang ibunyag sa Tbon:

ang bungo't kalansay ay buntis
sa espiritung nanlalamig.

ser, congrats sa MA ninyo! :D

at oo, paubos na ang laman ng kuweba ko. at masakit ang dahan-dahang pag-agos ng mga laman nito.

how apt.

tish10124: as the status goes.."another suitcase in another hall..." all this week that's what i've felt...that you're no different from the other suitcases i've held and the other halls i've fled

hmmm...

im supposed to be studying. instead im blogging away...

teh poem for today...


KAHIT SANDALI

Sa ganda ng mundo

Kalungkutan sa iba'y dulot

Hawi ang puso nila

Sa pasya ng kapalaran.

Malungkot man

Magdiwang

Upang ikay ngumiti

Kahit sandali.

Dinggin ang mga ibon

Tubig sa dalampasigan

Sila'y isipin

At magpahinga.

Sa mga taong nakalipas

Ika'y magpasalamat

Sa pagdating niya.

Kahit Sandali.

Ika'y magpahinga

Kahit Sandali

Kung ang buhay

ay puno ng kalungkutan.

-val fianza

oo. magpapahinga na ako't magpapasalamat.

what now?

"Another Suitcase In Another Hall"

[Eva:]
I don't expect my love affairs to last for long
Never fool myself that my dreams will come true
Being used to trouble I anticipate it
But all the same I hate it, wouldn't you?

[Chorus:]

[Eva:] So what happens now?
[Che:] Another suitcase in another hall
[Eva:] So what happens now?
[Che:] Take your picture off another wall
[Eva:] Where am I going to?
[Che:] You'll get by, you always have before
[Eva:] Where am I going to?

Time and time again I've said that I don't care
That I'm immune to gloom, that I'm hard through and through
But every time it matters all my words desert me
So anyone can hurt me, and they do

[chorus]

Call in three months time and I'll be fine, I know
Well maybe not that fine, but I'll survive anyhow
I won't recall the names and places of each sad occasion
But that's no consolation here and now.

[chorus, with Che's lines being sung by the starlets]

[Huevo:]
Don't ask anymore.

i don't have to ask?

duwag duwag duwag

sabi noon sa akin ni sir egay (isa sa mga paborito kong guro sa Ateneo), madalas daw inuulit ang mga salita sa panitikan upang magkaroon ng emphasis o di kaya, ng paglago ang salita. ano ngayon, diba?

duwag duwag duwag...

parang ayoko nang gumalaw. ayoko nang huminga. ayoko nang maglakad. ni isang yabag. ayoko na talaga. ayoko ko na pumunta ng 'teneo. ayoko nang makita ka. ayoko na masaktan. ayoko nang mahalin ka. ayoko nang umiyak. ayoko nang mabaliw.

ang dami ko namang ayaw gawin.

bakit?

dahil duwag ako. lubos na akong naduduwag sa mga panahong ito. lubos akong takot ko sa kahit ano pang sasabihin mo. nakapanlulunos isipin na sa ilang sandali, magkikita tayo. at doon magsisimula ang katapusan ng lahat. at natatakot ako doon.

gusto ko nananaman umalagwa. gusto kong tumakbo at 'wag nang lumingon. gusto kong lumipad at masunog ng araw. basta, gusto ko nang lumayo sa putang inang lugar na ito. kasi wala namang saysay ang pagiging "ako" sa lugar na ito. walang saysay ang meron na ako sa lugar na ito. mainit sa lugar na ito. mag-isa ako at walang tubig. disyerto ang buhay ko. isang buwakananginang disyerto. at mag-isa ako dito. walang mesias or ponsyo pilatong sasagip. walang kasama.

mag-isa...mag-isa...mag-isa...mag-isa...PUTANG INA! MAG-ISA!

magmamahal...magmamahal...
magkakalayo...magkakalayo....
mababaliw...mababaliw...mababa....

tanga tanga tanga

Bagong panahon
ang kaharap ngayon.
Nalilitong diwa,
Iba't-ibang bersyon.
Gunaw daw ang kasunod.
Delubyo.
Baha.
Pagyanig.
Apoy.
Linlangin ang pangamba,
basagin ang takot.
-Transisyon, Reynaldo F. Tamayo

malupit ang tadahana. malupit din ako sa sarili ko. naniwala ako na tama ang mga senysales, na tama ang kutob ko. sinabi ko sa iyo na hindi na tayo kailanman dapat mag-usap. hindi ako nagbigay ng kahit ano pang dahilan, kahit ano pang paliwanag. basta, sinabi ko na lang na hindi na tayo dapat mag-usap.

may dahilan ako. marami akong dahilan.

akala ko kasi, kakayanin ko mag-isa. kaya kong masaktan mag-isa, kayang kong malasing mag-isa, kaya kong pasanin ang mundo mag-isa. kaya ko lahat mag-isa. pero tinitignan ko ang sarili ko ngayon, mali ako.

palagay ko rin kagabi, mas mabuti nang ganito. tutal, wala naman talagang mawawala sa iyo. ang problema nga lang, lahat nawala sa akin. kalunos-lunos ang takbo ng agos ng buhay ko. sinubukan kong pigilan, lagyan ng piring ang aking mga mata. ngunit hindi ito sapat upang huwag nang matuloy ang delubyong dumating.

naniwala ako na kailangan mo ng isang taong hindi na magdadala sa iyo ng sakit. isang taong mamahalin ka lang. isang taong hindi komplikado (at hindi ako iyon). isang taong gumagamit ng utak. ako kasi, puso ko lang ginagamit ko. at tignan mo ang nangyari? nasaktan lang kita.

duwag ako.

duwag na duwag. natakot akong saktan ka pa nang labis. natakot akong mahalin ka pa nang labis. matapos ang lahat nang sinabi nila sa akin, naiintindihan na kita. hindi ko sinabi sa iyo na hindi lang ako sa iyo tumatakbo. hindi ko sinabi sa iyo, na pag masakit na talaga..nagwawala ako sa piling nila. hindi ko rin sinabi sa iyo na ikaw talaga ang kailangan ko noong mga panahong iyon pero hindi naman maari na parati kang andyan sa tabi ko.

tulad ngayon.

tulog na tulog ka. pagod na pagod sa maraming bagay. marahil, pagod ka na rin sa akin. sa aking mga problema, sa akin mga galit, sa aking mga kakatwang mga dinadala. hindi kita masisisi. dahil sinubukan mo naman makinig. sinubukan mo naman akong intindihin. subalit napakahirap kong intindihin. malimit, hindi ko rin maintindihan ang aking sarili.

tanga ako.

tanga ako kasi sinubukan kong mahalin ka. inisip ko na hindi titigil ang pagmamahal. na iingatan ako nito. na magiging kanlungan ko ito. inisip ko na magiging kalatas ko ito laban sa anumang sakit na maaring dumating.

tanga ako kasi naging kampante ako. hindi ako nag-ingat. naging palagay ako na hindi ka mawawala. na hindi mo ako pakakawalan. na hindi ka titigil sa paglalakad kasama ko. lihis na ang mga landas natin ngayon. at natatakot akong lumiko umpang makita kang muli.

ano ngayon?

ayoko na sabihin na wala kang pakialam sa akin dahil alam ko naman na hindi totoo iyon. sa ganang akin, kung ang pakialam na iyon ay nagdadala sa iyo ng suliranin, hagupit at kung anu-ano pa, mas gugustuhin kong wala na lang.

dahil mahal na mahal kita at ayokong nahihirapan ka. mas gugustuhin kong lumayo at mapag-isa habang buhay kaysa nariyan ka sa tabi ko't nasasaktan. hindi ako nag-sisisi na minahal kita. datapwa't walang nasasayang sa pagmamahal. naniniwala ako diyan. kaya patuloy pa rin kitang mamahalin. hindi lang dahil gusto ko, ngunit dahil wala akong ibang alam gawin.

"Hindi Mahalaga"

hindi mahalaga
ano man ang nangyari
ang mahalaga ay
nagkatagpo tayo
hindi mahalaga
kung lumisan ka
ang mahalaga ay
pinilit kitang manatili
hindi mahalaga
kung doon ka tumingin
ang mahalaga ay
sinubukan kong
mapalingon ka
hindi mahalaga
kung gusto mong pumikit
ang mahalaga ay
niyaya kitang dumilat
hindi mahalaga
kung naisip mong
ako ay kalimutan
ang mahalaga ay
naalala kita
hindi mahalaga
kung nawala ka
ang mahalaga ay
narito pa rin ako
para sa akin
narito pa rin tayo

ni: Reynaldo F. Tamayo (1994-1997)

stellar

when everything that could go wrong did go wrong...you came along and made things a little less unbearable. thank you for lighting up my world with stars at noon.

i am grateful.

i'll support you. whatever path you take, whoever you want to pursue *ahem* i will support you. not just because i love you but because we're friends and i consider you one of my best allies.

thank you for posting what you posted. it made me feel less alone.

mahal na mahal kita. and as i said before, when i said i loved you, i loved all you. even the asshole-ish, bratty and insensitive parts of you.i loved/love everything.

^__^